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Hudibras; written in the time of the late 



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SAMUEL BUTLER 

HUDIBRAS 

WRITTEN IN THE TIME OF THE LATE 

WARS 



THE TEXT EDITED BY 

A. R. WALLER 




Cambridge: 
at the University Press 

1905 



'RES 



CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY PRjESS WAREHOUSE, 

C. F. CLAY, MaiJager. 

ILonllan: AVE MARIA LANE, E.G. 

eimsuaia: 50, WELLINGTON STREET. 




Eeipjis: F. A. BROCKHAUS. 

jjeio gotft: THE MACMILLAN COMPANY. 

aSomiBH sn" ffalcutta: MACMILLAN AND CO., Ltd. 



NOTE. 



THE first edition of the First Part of Samuel 
Butler's Hudibras was 'Printed by J. G. for 
Richard Marriot, under Saint Duns tan's Church in 
Fkei street. 1663.' It was puUished^_anonYniouslj; and 
carries the ' Imprimatur ' of ' Jo : Berkenhead. l^ovemb. 
II. 1662.' The title runs thus: — HUDIBRAS. | 
THE FIRST PART. | Written in the time of the late 
Wars. |, followed by the design of a wreath. The 
book measures 4^ x 7 ins., contains 268 pages, and a few 
errata are given at the foot of the last page. Though 
dated 1663, it was on sale soon after the date of the 
License, for Mr Pepys, who does not seem to have been 
greatly attracted to the poem at his first reading, 
records, under date December 26, 1662: 'To the 
Wardrobe. Hither come Mr Battersby ; and we 
falling into discourse of a new book of drollery in 
use called Hudebras, I would needs go find it out, and 
met with it at the Temple : cost me is. 6d. But when 
I came to read it, it is so silly an abuse of the Presbyter 
Knight going to the warrs, that I am ashamed of it ; 
and by and by meeting at Mr Townsend's at dinner, 
I sold it to him for lid.' He appears, however, to 
have repented of this rash act, for six weeks later 
(February 6, 1 662-3) ^^ writes: 'And so to a bookseller's 
in the Strand, and there bought Hudibras again, it 
being certainly some ill humour to be so against that 
which all the world cries up to be an example of wit; 



NOTE 

for which I am resolved once again to read him, and see 
whether I can find it or no.' (Ed. Wheatley, 1893.) 

The Second Part, ' By the Authour of the First,' 
was 'Printed by T. R. for John Martyn, and James 
Allestry at the Bell in St Fauh Church Yard, 1664.'- 
A block on the title page contains the design of a bell 
and the publishers' initials 'MA' interlaced. The 
'Imprimatur' is signed 'Roger L'Estrange. Novemb. 5*- 
1663.' The book measures 4-^x7 ins., contains 216 
pages and has a few errata noted at the foot of the last 
page. 

These first editions of Parts I. and II. do not 
contain either the ' Annotations ' or ' An Heroical 
Epistle of Hudibras to Sidrophel,' which were added 
later. Both parts were ' corrected and amended, with 
several additions and annotations ' in 1 674. An issue 
of the year 1678 forms the basis of the present edition, 
and in the Appendix will be found the variations 
between the issues of 1678 and the first editions of 
1663-4. 

' The Third and last Part. Written by the Author 
of the First and Second Parts,' ' Printed for Simon 
Miller, at the sign of the Star at the West End of 
St Pauls,^ (4x7 i^s.) was published in 1678 and reprinted 
in 1679, froi" 3- copy of which later issue the present 
text has been printed. A few trifling variations between 
1678 and 1679 will be found noted in the Appendix 
to the present edition, where also will be found a list 
of errors in the three parts deemed to be misprints and 
therefore altered in the present text. 

Of the numerous editions which appeared after the 
death of Butler, mention need only be made of the 
elaborately annotated two volume edition of Zachary 
Grey, LL.D., * Adorn'd with a new Set of Cuts ' (by 
Hogarth), published at Cambridge in 1744 and 'Printed 
vi 



NOTE 

by J. Bentham, Printer to the University, for 
^. Innys, A. Ward, Mess. J. and P. Knapton, D. 
Browne, S. Birt, T. Longman, T. Woodward, C. Hitch, 
J. Oswald, J. Shuckburgh, J. Hodges, E. Wicksteed, 
Mess. Ward and Chandler, G. Hawkins, Mess. J. and 
R. Tonson, M. Cooper, R. Wellington, and C. Bathurst, in 
London.' Dr Grey gives the reading he prefers, when 
confronted with earHer and later readings, and in other 
respects his text is 'edited.' Its annotations are its 
great merit. 

The purchaser of early editions of Butler's Hudibras 
may be warned against the spurious or pirated issues 
that accompanied the first edition of Part I. ; the 
particulars given above should suffice to identify the 
first genuine impression. The matter is further com- 
plicated by the existence of genuine texts in a smaller 
state, concerning which Lowndes (ed. H. G. Bohn, 
1862) states 'When the legitimate "author's edition," 
in small 8vo. came out in 1663, another smaller edition, 
the size of the spurious one, appears to have been 
published at the same time, and by the same publishers, 
probably to compete in cheapness with its rival.' 

I have taken the alternative readings of Parts L and 
II. from the copy of the first genuine 8vo. state in the 
Cambridge University Library (Syn. 7, 66, 55). Of the 
various states of the first edition of Part III. particulars 
are given in an interesting correspondence in Notes and 
Queries, 6th ser., vi. pp. 108, 150, 276, 311, 370 and 
454. The copies collated in the preparation of the present 
text are those in the British Museum (G. 11450 and 
11623. c. 23. (2.)). A useful bibliography of illustrated 
editions of Hudibras, translations, spurious editions, 
imitations, etc., will be found in Mr R. B. Johnson's 
edition of the poetical works of Samuel Butler, Vol. i., 
1893, and some interesting states of the early issues of 

vii 



NOTE 

Parts I. and 11. are described in Messrs Pickering 
and Chatto's Book Lover's Leaflet, No. 137. 

The method adopted in the editing of the present 
text is the same as that adopted for the other volumes of 
the Cambridge English Classics. Evident misprints 
in punctuation have been corrected but all such cases 
are set forth in the Appendix at the end. In all other 
respects, what are now regarded as eccentricities of 
punctuation have been left as originally printed, just as 
inconsistencies of spelling have been left ' unedited.' 
Even to students who have only acquired a slight 
familiarity with the literature of two or three hundred 
years ago, the ' pointing ' of those days is no more a 
stumbling-block than the spelling ; it is no greater 
hindrance to appreciation and understanding ; and it 
gives to the general reader an added sense of nearness 
to the actual form in which the author made his 
appearance. 

A. R. WALLER. 

Cambridge, 

16 December, 1904. 



vm 



HUDIBRAS. 

T'he First and Second T^arts. 

Written in the Time of the 

Late Wars. 



CORRECTED & AMENDED, 

With 
Several Additions and Annotations. 

LONDON: 

Printed by 1". N. for John Martyn and Henry 
Herringman, at the Bell in St. Pauls Church- 
yard, and at the Atichor in the Lower 
Walk of the New Exchange, 1678, 



HUDIBRAS. 

The Argument of the First 
CANTO. 



Sir Hudibras his passing worth. 
The manner how he sally'd forth : 
His Arms and Equipage are shown ; 
His Horse's Fertues, and his own. 
TV' Adventure of the Bear and Fiddle 
Is sung, but breaks off in the middle. 



CANTO I. 



WHen civil fury first grew high, 
And men fell out they knew not why, 
When hard Words, fealousies, and Fears, 
Set Folks together by the Ears, 
And made them fight, like mad or drunk. 
For Dame Religion as for Punk, 
Whose honesty they all durst swear for. 
Though not a man of them knew wherefore : 
When Gospel-Trumpeter surrounded. 
With long-ear'd rout to Battel sounded, 
And Pulpit, Drum Ecclesiastick, 
Was beat with fist, instead of a stick : 
Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling, 
And out he rode a Colonelling. 

A 2 



HUDIBRAS 

A Wight he was, whose very sight wou'd 
Entitle him Mirror of Knighthood; 
That never bent his stubborn knee 
To any thing but Chivalry, 
Nor put up blow, but that which laid 
Right worshipful on Shoulder-blade: 
Chief of Domestick Knights and Errant, 
Either for Chartel or for Warrant : 
Great on the Bench, Great in the Saddle, 
That could as well bind o'er, as swaddle. 
Mighty he was at both of these, 
And styl'd of War as well as Peace. 
(So some Rats of amphibious nature. 
Are either for the Land or Water) 
But here our Authors make a doubt. 
Whether he wgrejnore wise, or stout. 
Some hoid*tHeonei and someTKe~other : 
But howsoe'er they make a pother. 
The difference was so small, his Brain 
Outweigh'd his Rage but half a Grain : 
Which made some take him for a Tool 
Tjiat Knaves do work with, call'd a Fool. 
AnSToHerToHay 'wagers"that 
As Mountaigne playing with his Cat, 
Complains she thought him but an Ass, 
Much more she would Sir Hudibras. 
(For that's the Name our valiant Knight 
To all his Challenges did write.) 
But they're mistaken very much, 
'Tis plain enough he was no such. 
We grant, although he had much w;it, 
I' IT was very ^ie ofusing"it, 
AnSeingToath^to wear it out. 
And therefore bore it not about. 
Unless on Holy-days, or so, 
As Men their best Apparel do. 
Beside, 'tis known he could speak Greek, 
As naturally as Pigs squeek : ^ 

That Latine was no more difficile, 
Than to a Black-bird 'tis to whistle. 



FIRST PART, CANTO I 
/ 

Being rich in both, he never scanted 

His Bounty unto such as wanted; 

But much of either would afford. 

To many that had not one word. 

For Hebrew Roots, although th' are found 

To flourish most in barren ground, 

He had such plenty as suffic'd 

"l^^ojnakesome think him circumcis'd : 

And _trueIy~^g ;;;;; gerHaps, lTe"w^s 

'T is ma ny a Pious Ch ristians case. * 

He was in ho^kk a great Critick, 
Profound ly skill'd in Analytick. 
He coulddisti'nguish, and divide 
A Hair 'twixt South and South-West side: 
On either which he would dispute. 
Confute, change hands, and still confute. 
He'd undertake to prove by force 
Of Argument, a Man's no Horse. 
He'd prove a Buzard is no Fowl, 
And that a Lord may be an Owl, 
, A Calf an Alderman, a Goose zjmtice. 
And Rooks Committee-men, and Trustees; 
He'd run in Debt by Disputation, 

And pay with Ratiocination^ 

All this by Syllogism, true___ 

In mood and Figure, he would do. 

ror_ Rhetorick he could not ope 
His mouth, but out there flew a Trope: 
And when he hapned to' break off 
I'th' middle of his speech, or cough, 
H' had hard words, ready to shew why. 
And tell what Rules he did it by. 
Else w hen with greatest^Art he spoke, 
Yojrd_Tffink hFlalimike^other folk, 
For all TTnr6t5rrcians"" Rules "7~" 
l eacg~no tEing~Eiut to nanie hisJTools, 
His ordinary Kate~oF Speec"Br 
In loftiness of sound was rich. 



HUDIBRAS 

A Babylonish dialedt, 

Which learned Pedants much afFeiSt. 

It was a parti-colour'd dress 

Of patch'd and pyball'd Languages : 

'Twas English cut on Greek and Latin, 

Like Fustian heretofore on Sattin. 

It had an odd promiscuous Tone, 

As if h' had talk'd three parts in one. 

Which made some think when he did gabble, 

Th' had heard three Labo'rers of Babel; 

Or Cerberus himself pronounce 

A Leash of Languages at once. 

This he as volubly would vent 

As if his stock would ne'er be spent. 

And truly to support that charge 

He had supplies as vast and large. 

Forhe coul d coin or counterfeit. 

Ngw^ords~witIi littl e or no wit: 

Words so de'bas'd and hard, no stone 

Was hard enough to touch them on. 

And when with hasty noise he spoke 'em. 

The Ignorant for currant took 'em. 

That had the Orator who once, 

Did fill his Mouth with Pibble Stones 

When he harangu'd, but known his Phrase, 

He would have us'd no other ways. 

in Mathematicks he was greater 
Than Tycho Brahe, or Erra Pater: 
For he, by Geometrick scale, 
Could take the size of Pots of Ale; 
Resolve by Signs and' Tangents streight. 
If Bread or Butter wanted weight; 
And wisely tell what hour o'th' day 
The Clock doth strike, by Algebra. 

Beside he was a shrewd PJiilosofylrer^ 
And had read every Text and gloss over: 
What e'er the crabbed'st Author hath 
He understood b' implicit Faithj 



FIRST PART, CANTO I 

What ever Sceptick could inquire for; 
For every why he had a wherefore; 
Knew more than forty o ftheni do . 
As far__as words' aad_ tem^" could go . 
Air^icli he -Understood by Kotej|" i 
And "as'occasion serv'd, would quote; ' 
N o matter wh ether rj^t o^jwrong: 
'I'hev might 'EeeithersaiH'or suns 



lis NotionsntteH things so~weI] 
That which was which he could not tell; 
But oftentimes mistook th' one 
For th' other, as great Clerks have done. 
He could reduce all things to A6ts, 
^^[Tnew theirJNatures_5L5]^5tirafts, 
WTiere^nHty~anH~'Quiddity — -— — 
The Ghosts of defundl Bodies flie; 
Where Truth in Person does appear. 
Like words congeal'd in Northern Air. 
He knew what's what, and that's as high 
As Metaphysick Wit can fly, 
In School Divinity as able 
As he that hight Irrefragable; 
Profound in all the Nominal 
And real ways beyond them all ; 
And with as delicate a Hand, 
Could twist as tough a Rope of Sand. 
And weave fine Cobwebs, fit for Skull 
That's empty when the Moon is fiiU ; 
Such as take Lodgings in a Head 
That's to be lett unfurnished. 
He could raise Scruples dark and nice, 
And after solve 'em in a trice : 
As if Divinity had ca tch'd 
T heTTch , oF~^rpbse~to^be scratch'd; 
Pr T like "a~^ ountebah"k, did' wound 
And stab KeF selfwrth doubts profound, 
Qnly~to shew with how small pain 
TTie~sores' of faith are cur'd again; 
AlthougTTTjy woful proof we fin?, 
They always leave a Scar behind. 



HUDIBRAS 

He knew the Seat of Paradise, 

Could tell in what degree it lies : 

And as he was dispos'd, could prove it, 

Bfejlow the Moon, or else above it. 

What Adam dreamt of when his Bride 

Came from her Closet in his side: 

Whether the Devil tempted her 

By a High Dutch Interpreter: 

If either of them had a Navel ; 

Who first made Musick malleable: 

Whether the Serpent at the fall 

Had cloven Feet, or none at all. 

All th is without a Glossjor Comment, 

flie woutd urinJd le" in a mo men t : 

Irfp roper t erms, sucTi aJ^m en ^smattej- 

When t;Key~throw out and^ miss thematter. 




l&U f^0R_ it was fin 

parnine; a nd his /^j^ : 
'Twas ^resbytenanS jivus blew. 
For he was of that stubborn Crew 
^^ Erra^n t Saints, whom all men grant 
To "Be' the trueXhurch Militant: 
Such as do build their Faith upon 
The holy Text of Pike and Gun; 
Decide all Controversies by. 
Infallible Artillery; 
And prove their Dodtrine Orthodox 
By Apostolick Blows and Knocks; 

Call_JFire_aJT^_S word_ aiid_J2fia^ i , 
A" god ly-thorough-Rfformaiian^^ 

Which always must be carry'd on. 
And still be doing, never done: 
As if Religi on were intended 
For nothing" ^se but to be 'mende4 - 
A"Se£f, wnose chief Ijevotion lies 
In odd perverse Antipathies; 
In falling out with that or this. 
And finding somewhat still amiss : 
More peevish, cross, and splenetick. 



FIRST PART, CANTO I 

Than Dog distiaft, or Monky sick. 
That with more care keep Holy-day 
The wrong, than others the right way: 
Compound for Sins, they are inclin'd to; 
By damning those they have no mind to; 
Still so perverse and opposite. 
As if they worshipp'd God for spight. 
The self-same thing they will abhor 
Q ne way, and long another for. 
ffree-will they one way disavow, 
lAnoth er, nodiing else allow. 
Ajl fiety co nsists therein 
In them, "m other Men akl Sin. 

That which they love most tenderly. 

Quarrel with min^d Pies, and disparage 

Their best and dearest friend, Pbim-porridge i 

Fat Pig and Goose it self oppose, 

And blaspheme Custard through the Nose. 

Th' Apostles of this fierce Religion, 

Like Mahomet's, w^ere Ass and Widgeon, 

To w^hom our Knight, by fast instinfl: 

Of Wit and Temper was so linkt. 

As if Hipocrisie and Non-sence 

Had got th' Advouson of his Conscience. 

Thus was he gifted and accouter'd. 
We mean on th' inside, not the outward : 
That next of all we shall discuss ; 
Then Usten Sirs, it followeth thus: 

His tawny Beard was th' equal grace 
Both of his Wisdom and his Face ; 
In Cut and Dy so like a Tile, 
A sudden view it would beguile : 
The upper part thereof was Whey, 
The nether Orange mixt with Grey. 
This hairy Meteor did denounce 
The fall of Scepters and of Crowns ; 
With grizly type did represent 



HUDIBRAS 

Declining Age of Government ; 

And tell with Hieroglyphick Spade, 

Its own grave and the State's were niaae. 

Like Sampson's Heart-breakers, it gre^ 

fn time to make a Nation rue ; 

Though it contributed its own fall, 

To wait upon the publick downfall. 

It was Canonick, and did grow 

In Holy Orders by stridt vow ; 

Of Rule as sullen and severe. 

As that of rigid Cordeliere : 

'Twas bound to suffer Persecution 

And Martyrdome with resolution ; 

T' oppose it self against the hate 

And vengeance of th' incensed State : 

In whose defiance it was worn. 

Still ready to be pull'd and torn, 

With red-hot Irons to be tortur'd, 

Revil'd, and spit upon, and martyr'4 

Maugre all which, 'twas to stand faa. 

As long as Monarchy should last. 

But when the State should hap to reel, 

'Twas to submit to fatal Steel, 

And fall, as it was consecrate 

A Sacrifice to fall of State ; 

Whose thred of life the fatal Sisters 

Did twist together with its Whiskers, 

And twine so close, that time should neyer, 

In life or death, their fortunes sever; 

But with his rusty Sickle mow 

Both down together at a blow. 



So learned Taliacotius from 
The brawny part of Porter's Bum, 
Cut supplemental Noses, which 
Would last as long as Parent breech : 
But when the Date of Nock was out. 
Off dropt the Sympathetick Snout. 



lo 



FIRST PART, CANTO I 

His Back^ or rather Burthen show'd 
As if it stoop'd with its own load. 
For as /Eneas bore his Sire, 
Upon his S[h]oulders through the Fire : 
Ou r Kni ght did bear no less a Pack 
X)f his "own Bmrocks on his Back : 
'which novvTiaJ almost got the Upper- 
Hand of his Head, for want of Crupper. 
To poize this equally, he bore 
A. Paunch of the same bulk, before.^. 
Which still he had a special care 
To keep well cramm'd with thrifty fare ; 
As White-pot, Butter-milk, and Curds, 
Such as a Countrey house affords ; 
W[i]th other Vidlual, which anon, 
We further shall dilate upon, 
When of his Hose we come to treat. 
The Cub-bord where he kept his meat. 

His Doublet was of sturdy BufF, 

And though not Sword, yet Cudgel-proof; 

Whereby 'twas fitter for his use. 

That fear'd no blows but such as bruise. 

His Breeches were of rugged Woollen, 

And had been at the Siege of Bullen, 

To old King Harry so well known. 

Some Writers held they were his own. 

Through they were lin'd with many a piece, 

Of Ammunition-Bread and Cheese, 

And fat Black-puddings, proper food 

For Warriers that delight in Bloo d ; 

For, as we said, he alway chose,. 

To carry Vittle in his HosC;^ 

That often tempted Rats, and Mice, 

The Ammunition to surprize : 

Arid when he put a Hand but in 

The one or th' other Magazine, 

They stoutly in defence on't stood 

And from the wounded Foe drew bloud, 



II 



HUDIBRAS 

And till th' were storm 'd and beaten out, 

Ne'r left the fortifi'd Redoubt; 

And though Knights Errant, as some think, 

Of old did neither eat nor drink, 

Because when thorough Desarts vast 

And Regions Desolate they past, 

Where Belly-timber above ground 

Or under was not to be found. 

Unless they graz'd, there's not one word 

Of their Provision on Record : 

Which made some confidently write. 

They had no stomachs but to fight, 

'Lis false : for Arthur wore in Hall 

Round Table like a Farthingal, 

On which, with Shirt puU'd out behind. 

And eke before his good Knights din'd. 

Though 'twas no Table, some suppose, 

But a huge pair of round Trunk-hose ; 

In which he carry'd as much meat 

As he and all his Knights could eat ; 

When laying by their Swords and Truncheons, 

They took their Breakfasts, or their Nuncheons ; 

But let that pass at present, lest 

We should forget where we digrest ; 

As learned Authors use, to whom 

We leave it, and to th' purpose come, 

His Puissant Sword unto his side 

Near his undaunted Heart was ty'd, 

With Basket-hilt, that wou'd hold broth. 

And serve for Fight, and Dinner both. 

In it he melted Lead for Bullets, 

To shoot at Foes, and sometimes Pullets ; 

To whom he bore so fell a Grutch, 

He ne'er gave quarter t' any such. 

The trenchant blade, Toledo trusty. 

For want of fighting was grown rustjj,/) 

And eat into it self, for lack 

Of some body to hew and hack. o 

The peaceful Scabbard where it dwelt, 

The Rancor of its Edge had felt : 

12 



FIRST PART, CANTO I 

For of the lower end two handful, 

It had devoured 'twas so manful ; 

And so much scorn'd to lurk in case, 

As if it durst not shew its face. 

In many desperate Attempts 

Of Wars, Exigents, Contempts, 

It had appear'd with Courage bolder 

Than Sergeant Bum, invading shoulder. 

Oft had it ta'en possession. 

And Pris'ners too, or made them run. 

This Sword a Dagger had his Page. 

But was but little for his age : 

And therefore waited on him so, i 

As Dwarfs upon Knights Errant do. 

It was a serviceable Dudgeon, 

Either for fighting or for drudging ; 

When it had stab'd or broke a head. 

It would scrape Trenchers, or chip Bread, 

Toast Cheese or Bacon, though it were 

To bait a Mouse-trap, 'twould not care. 

'Twould make clean shooes, and in the Earth 

Set Leeks and Onions, and so forth. 

It had been Prentice to a Brewer, 

Where this and more it did endure. 

But left the Trade, as many more 

Have lately done on the same score. 

In th' Holsters, at his Saddle-bow, 
Two aged Pistols he did stow. 
Among the surplus of such meat 
As in his Hose he could not get. 
They were upon hard Duty still. 
And every night stood Sentinel, 
tTo guard the Magazine i'th' Hose 
/From two legg'd and from four legg'd Foes. 

Thus clad and fortifi'd, Sir Knight 
From peaceful home set forth to fight. 
But first with nimble aftive force 



13 



HUDIBRAS 

He got on th' outside of his Horse. 
For having but one stirrup ty'd 
T' his Saddle, on the further side, 
It was so short, h' had much adoe 
To reach it with his desperate Toe. 
But after many strains and heaves 
He got up to the Saddle eaves. 
From whence he vaulted into th' Seat 
With so much vigor, strength, and heat, 
That he had almost tumbled over 
With his own weight, but did recover. 
By laying hold of Tail and Mane, 
Which oft he us'd instead of Rein. 

But now we talk of mounting Steed. 
Before we f[ur]ther do proceed, 
' It doth behove us to say something. 
Of that which bore our valiant Bumkin. 
The Beast was sturdy large and tall, 
With Mouth of Meal and Eyes of Wall : 
I would say Eye, for h' had but one. 
As most agree, though some say none. 
He was well stay'd, and in his Gate 
Preserv'd a grave majestick state. 
At Spur or Switch no more he skipt. 
Or mended pace, than Spaniard whipt : 
And yet so fiery, he would bound. 
As if he griev'd to touch the Ground : 
That Casar's Horse, who, as Fame goes. 
Had Corns upon his Feet and Toes, 
Was not by half so tender-hooft, 
Nor trode upon the ground so soft. 
And as that Beast would kneel and stoop, 
(Some write) to take his Rider up : 
So Hudibras his ('tis well known,) 
Would often do, to set him down. 
We shall not need to say what lack 
Of Leather was upon his back : 
For that was hidden under pad, 
And breech of Knight gall'd fiill as bad. 



H 



FIRST PART, CANTO I 

His strutting Ribs on both sides show'd 
Like furrows he himself had plow'd : 
For underneath the skirt of Pannel, 
'Twixt every two there was a Channel. 
His dragling Tail hung in the Dirt, 
Which on his Rider he would flirt 
Still as his tender side he prickt, 
With arm'd heel or with unarm'd kickt:. 
For Hudibras wore but one Spur, 
As wisely knowing, could he stir 
Tp aftive trot one side of's Horse, 
The other would not hang an Arse : 



An equal stock of Wit an 



A S quire he had whose name was iRallih, 
That in th adventure went his HaTf. 
Though Writers (for more statelier tone) 
Do call him Ralpho, 'tis all one : 
And when we can with Meeter safe, 
We'll call him so, if not plain Ralph, 
For Rhi me the Rudder is of Verses, 
Wkh^^uch- Itlce tihip s tTTey ^ ear nieir courses. 

"WiT^OIIISr 
3^ birth afTaYjorj, 



An equal stock or 

He 'ha3_laiJ~i^|[^^_ 

The TnigKtyTjir7«« "Queenth^t gain'd 
With subtle shreds a Tradt of Land, 
Did leave it with a Castle fair 
To his great Ancestor, her Heir : 
From him descended cross-Ieg'd Knights, 
Fam'd for their Faith and Warlike Fights 
Against the bloudy Caniball, 
Whom they destroy'd both great and small. 
Xhis sturdy Squire h ad a^jyeH -^ 

As_the_ bold_^>2i£2-..^iliiSli£££l. '}Sl^' 
Not with a "co u nterS ^Be d" ?ass~ 
pt tjolden iJ ough, but true Trold-lace. 
His lcnowIe3ge was not far BeHTncI 
The Knights, but of another kind. 
And he another way came by't, 
^.ai£L call _it .<?///, an'l some NeW- lights. 
A liberal Art, that costs no pains 



HUDIBRAS 

Of_^udy, Industry, or Brains. 

His 'WitT-w&ee-ieTnr-brSrfoT^ a Token, 

B ut I'nThe Car riage craclct an3~5roken 

Like Commendation Nine-pence, crookt 

With to and from my Love, it lookt. 

He ne'r consider'd it, as loath 

To look a Gift-horse in the Mouth ; 

And ver^ wisely would lay forth 

No more upon it than 'twas worth. 

But as he got it freely, so 

He spent it frank and freely too. 

For Saints themselves will sometimes be, 

Of Gifts that cos[t] them nothing, free. 

By means of this, with hem and cough, 

Prolongers to enlightned SnufF, 

He could deep Mysteries unriddle, 

As easily as thread a Nee[d]le ; 

For as of Vagabonds we say. 

That they are ne'r beside their way : 

What e'r men speak by th i s New Light, — 

StUl they are sure to be_rth^ f 'S!^.^' 

'Tis a i>ari-Lant)}orn of the spirit, 

Which none see by but those that bear it. 

A Light that falls down from on high, 

For Spiritual Trades to couzen by : 

An Ignis Fatuus that bewitches^ 

^nd leads Men into Pools and Ditches, 

To make them rf/^ 'themselves, and sound 

For Christendom [in] dirty Pond; 

To dive like Wild-foul for Salvation, 

And fish to catch Regeneration. 

This_Light^jnspire3-,.jind--plays upon 

Tjhe nosfi., of, Saint like Bag-pipe drone, 

And speaks through hollow empty Soul, 

As through a Trunk, or whisp'ring hole. 

Such language as no mortal Ear 

But spiritual Eve-droppers can hear.' 

So Phoebus or some friendly Muse 

Into small Poets song infuse ; 

Which they at second-hand rehearse 

i6 



FIRST PART, CANTO I 

Through Reed or Bag-pipe, Verse for Verse. 

Thus Ralph became infellible, 

As three or four-leg'd Oracle, 

The ancient Cup, or modern Chair, 

Sp oke tr uth _B pint-blank^ though unaware : 

For m}ratick Learning, wondrous able^ 

In Magick Talisman, and Cabal, 

Whose Primitive Tradition reaches 

As far as Adamh first green Breeches : 

Deep-sighted in Intelligences, 

Idea's, Atomes, Influences ; 

And much of Terra Incognita, 

Th' intelligible World could say; 

A deep occult Philosopher, 

As learn'd as the Wild Irish are. 

Or Sir Agrippa, for profound 

And solid Lying much renown'd : 

He Anthroposophus, and Floud, 

And Jacob Behmen understood ; 

Knew many an Amulet and Charm, 

That would do neither good nor harm 

In Rosy-Crucian Lore as Learned, 

As he that f^eri adeptus earned. 

He understood the speech of Birds 

As well as they themselves do words : 

Could tell what subtlest Parrots mean. 

That speak and think contrary clean ; 

What Member 'tis of whom they talk 

When they cry Rope, and Walk Knave, walk. 

He'd extraiSi: numbers out of matter. 

And keep them in a Glass, like water, 

Of Sov'raign pow'r to make men wise ; 

For dropt in Were, thick-sighted Eyes, 

They'd make them see in darkest night, 

Like Owls, though pur-blind in the light. 

By help of these (as he profest) 

He had First Matter seen undrest : 

He took her naked all alone. 



17 



HUDIBRAS 

Before one Rag of Form was on. 
The Chaos too he had descry'd, 
And seen quite through, or else he ly'd : 
Not that of Past-board which men shew 
For Groats at Fair of BarthoV mew ; 
But its great Gransire, first o'fh' name, 
Whence that and Reformation came : 
Both Cousin-Germans, and right able 
T'inveigle and draw in the Rabble. 
But Reformation was, some say, /- 
O'th' younger house to Puppet-Play. 
He could foretell whats'ever was 
By consequence to come to pass. 
As Death of Great Men, Alterations^ 
Diseases, Battels, Inundations. 
All this without th' Eclipse of Sun, 
Or dreadful Comet, he hath done 
By inward Light, a way as good. 
And easie to be understood. 
But with more lucky hit than those 
That use to make the Stars depose, 
' Like Knights o' th' Post, and falsly charge 

ton themselves what others forge : 
if they were consenting to 
mischief in the World men do : 
like the Dev'l, did tempt and sway 'em 
To Rogueries, and then betray 'em. 
They'l search a Planet's house, to know. 
Who broke and robb'd a house below : 
Examine Venus^ and the Moon 
Who stole a Thimble and a Spoon : 
And though they nothing will confess. 
Yet by their very looks can guess. 
And tell what guilty AspeiSt bodes. 
Who stole, and who receiv'd the Goods. 
They'l question Mars^ and by his look 
^DetetS who 'twas that nimm'd a Cloke : 
Make Mercury confess and peach 
Those Thieves which he himself did teach. 
They'l find i' th' Phisiognomies 



i8 



FIRST PART, CANTO I 

O' th' Planets all mens destinies. 

Like him that took the Doftor's Bill, 

And swallow'd it instead o' th' Pill. 

Cast the Nativity o' th' Question, 

And from Positions to be guest on. 

As sure as if they knew the Moment 

Of Natives birth, tell what will come on't. 

They'l feel, the Pulses of the Stars, 

To find out Agues, Coughs, Catarrhs ; 

And tell what Crysis does divine 

The Rot in Sheep, or Mange in Swine : 

In Men what gives or cures the Itch, 

What make[s] them Cuckolds, poor or rich : 

What gains or loses, hangs or saves ; 

What makes men great, what fools or knaves ; 

But not what wise, for only of those 

The Stars (they say) cannot dispose, 

No more than can the Astrologians. 

There they say right, and lik true Trojans. 

This Ralpho knew, and therefore took 

The other course, of which we spoke. 

Thus was th' accomplish'd Squire endu'd 

With Gifts and Knowledge, per'lous shrew'd. 

Never did trusty Squire with Knight, 

Or Knight with Squire jump more right. 

Their Arms and Equipage did fit. 

As well as Virtues, Parts, and Wit. 

Their Valors too were of a Rate, 

And out they sally'd at the Gate. 

Few miles on horseback had they jogged. 

But fortune unto them turn'd dogged. 

For they a sad adventure met, 

Of which we now prepare to Treat : 

But e'er we venture to unfold 

Atchievements so resolv'd and bold. 

We should as learned Poets use. 

Invoke the assistance of some Muse ; 

However Criticks count it sillier 

Than Juglers talking t' a Familiar. 

B 2 19 



HUDIBRAS 

We think 'tis no great matter which, 
They're all alike, yet we shall pitch 
On one that fits our purpose most, 
Whom therefore thus do we accost. 

Thou that with Ale or viler Liquors, 
Didst inspire Withers, Prin, and Ficiars, 
And force them, though it were in spight 
Of Nature, and their Stars, to write ; 
Who, as we finde in sullen Writs, 
And cross-graind Works of modern Wits, 
With Vanity, Opinion, Want, 
The wonder of the Ignorant, 
The Praises of the Author, penn'd 
By himself, or wit-ensuring friend. 
The Itch of Pidture in the Front, 
With Bays, and wicked Rhime upon't 
All that is left o'th' forked Hill 
To make men scribble without skill. 
Canst make a Poet, spight of fate. 
And teach all People to translate ; 
Though out of Languages in which 
They understand no Part of Speech : 
Assist me but this once, I'mplore, 
And I shall trouble thee no more. 



In Western Clime there is a Town 

To those that dwell therein well known ; 

Therefore there needs no more be sed here 

We unto them refer our Reader : 

For brevity is very good. 

When w'are, or are not understood. 

To this Town People did repair 

On days of Market or of Fair, 

And to crack'd Fiddle, and hoarse Tabor 

In merriment did drudge and labor : 

But now a sport more formidable 

Had rak'd together Village rabble. 

'Twas an old way of Recreating, 

20 



FIRST PART, CANTO I 

Which learned Butchers call Bear-baiting: 

A bold advent'rous exercise, 

With ancient Heroe's in high prize ; 

For Authors do affirm it came 

From Istlhlmian or Nemean game ; 

Others derive it from the Bear 

That's fixt in Northern Hemisphere, 

And round about the Pole does make 

A circle like a Bear at stake. 

That at the Chain's end wheels about, 

And over-turns the Rabble-rout. 

For after solemn Proclamation 

In the Bear's name (as is the fashion, 

According to the Law of Arms, 

To keep men from inglorious harms) 

That none presume to come so near 

As forty foot of stake of Bear ; 

If any yet be so fool-hardy, 

T'expose themselves to vain Jeopardy ; 

If they come wounded off and lame 

No honour's got by such a maim. 

Although the Bear gain'd much b'ing bound 

In honour to make good his ground. 

When he's engag'd, and take no notice. 

If any press upon him, who 'tis, 

But let them know at their own cost 

That he intends to keep his post. 

This to prevent, and [other] harms, 

Which always wait on feats of Arms, 

(For in the hurry of a Fray 

'Tis hard to keep out of harm's way) 

Thither the Knight his course did stear. 

To keep the peace 'twixt Dog and Bear ; 

As he believ-'d h' was bound to doe, 

In Conscience and Commission too. 

And therefore thus bespoke the Squire ; 

We that are wisely mounted higher 
Then Constables, in Curule wit. 
When on . Tribunal bench we sit, 

21 



HUDIBRAS 

■Like Speculators, should foresee 
From Pharos of Authority, 
Portended Mischiefs farther then 
Low Proletarian Tithing-men. 
And therefore being inform'd by bruit. 
That Dog and Bear are to dispute ; 
For so of late men fighting name, 
Because they often prove the same ; 
(For where the first does hap to be 
The last does coincidere) 

fuantum in nobis, have thought good, 
o save th' expence of Christian blood, 
And try if we by Mediation 
Of Treaty and accommodation 
Can end the quarrel, and compose 
The bloudy Duel without blows. 
Are notjourLiberties, our Lives, 
TTie I^awSj_TKel igion,'and our_3yives 
EnougH"^t^^i eS to lie at stake. 
Yoi Confhant and the Causes s^te_£ 
&3|Tn]^^SF]!|^arreP^^ and'_^^flrj 
As ^vell as we m ust ven ture ^ieics ? 
This Feud hfjesutts invented. 
By evil Counsel is fomented. 
There is a Machiavilian Plot, 
(Though ev'ry Nare olfa£i it not) 
A deep design in't to divide 
The well-affe£l:ed that confide. 
By setting Brother against Brother, 
To claw and curry one another. 
Have we not enemies plus satis, 
That Cane £ff angue pejus hate us ? 
And shall we turn our fangs and claws 
Upon our selves without a cause ? 
That some occult design doth lie 
In bloudy CynarSlomachy 
Is plain enough to him that knows 
How Saints lead Brothers by the Nose. 
I wish my self a Pseudo-Prophet, 
But sure some mischief will come of it ; 



22 



FIRST PART, CANTO I 

Unless by providential wit 

Or force we averruncat e it. 

For what design, what interest 

Can Beast have to encounter Beast? 

They fight for no espoused Cause ; 

Frail Priviledge, Fundamental Laws, 

Nor for a thorough Reformation, 

Nor Covenant, nor Protestation ; 

Nor Liberty of Consciences, 

Nor Lords and Commons Ordinances ; 

Nor for the Church, nor for ^Church Lands, 

To get them in their own no Hands; 

Nor evil Counsellors to bring 

To Justice that seduce the King ; 

Nor for the worship of us men. 

Though we have done as much for them. 

Th' Egyptians worshipp'd Dogs, and for 

Their faith made fierce and zealous Warr. 

Others ador'd a Rat, and some 

For that Church suffer'd Martyrdome. 

The Indians fought for the truth 

Of th' Elephant, and Monkey's Tooth : 

And many, to defend that faith. 

Fought it out mordicus to death. 

" But no Beast e ver w3s. „so slig ht, 

For_MSi, as for~ms Godj^ to fig ht. 

Thej^Jiave rn ore wit, das T_anj kno vy 

T^e^^ ^Tr~an3" us_bett^^^^aflI^/ 

'Slit' we, we onely do infuse 

The Rage in them like Boute-feus. 

'Tis our example that instills 

In them th' infection of our ills. 

For as some late Philosophers 

Have well observed, Beasts that converse 

With Man, take after him, as Hogs 

Get Pigs all th' year, and Bitches Dogs. 

Just so by our example Cattle 

Learn to give one another Battel. 

We read in Nero's time, the Heathen, 

When they destroy'd the Christian Brethren, 



HUDIBRAS 

They sow'd them in the skins of Bears, 
And then set Dogs about their Ears : 
From whence, no doubt, th' invention came 
Of this lewd Antichristian Game. 

To this, quoth Ralpho, Verily, 

The Point seems very plain to be. 

It is an Antichristia[n] Game, 

Unlawful both in thing and name ; 

First for the Nafjie^JThit_iKord^_Be^^czksiting, 

Is CarnalT'and'^ nian's_^ crsafing : 

For certainly there's no suchjjKord 

In all the Scrij>ture^n l^ecorcL, 

Therefore unlawful an3 a" sin. 

And so is (secondly) the thing. 

A vile Assembly 'tis, that can 

No more be prov'd by Scripture than 

Provincial, Classici, National i 

Mere humane Creature-Cobwebs all. 

Thirdly, it is Idolatrous : 

For when men run a-whoring thus 

With their Inventions whatsoe'r 

The thing be, whether Dog or Bear, 

It is Idolatrous and Pagan 

No less than worshipping of Dagon. 

Quoth Hudibras, I smell a Rat; 

Ralpho, thou dost prevaricate. 

For though the Thesis which thou lay'st 

Be true ad amussim as thou say'st : 

(For that Bear-baiting should appear 

"Jure Divino lawfuller 

Than Synods are, thou dost deny, 

Totidem verbis so do I) 

Yet there's a fallacy in this : 

For if by sly Homoeosis, 

Thou would'st Sophistically imply 

Both are unlawful, I deny. 

And I (quoth Ralpho) do not doubt 
24 



FIRST PART, CANTO I 

But Bear-baiting may be made out 

In Gospel-times, as lawful as is 

Provincial or Parochial Classis : 

And that both are so near of kin. 

And like in all as well as sin, 

That put them in a bag and shake 'em, 

Your self o' th' sudden would mistake 'em. 

And not know which is which, unless 

You measure by their wickedness : 

For 'tis not hard t' imagine whether 

O' th' two is worst, though I name neither. 

Quoth Hudibras, thou ofFer'st much, 
But art not able to keep touch. 
Mira de lente^ as 'tis i' th' Adage, 
Id est, to make a Leak a Cabbage. 
Thou canst at best but overstrain 
A Paradox, and th' own hot brain : 
For what can Synods have at all 
With Bears that's Analogical ? 
Or what relation has debating 
(Si Church- Affairs with Bear-baiting? 
A just comparison still is, 
Of things ejusdem generis. 
And then what Genus rightly doth, 
Include and comprehend them both ? 
If Animal, both of us may 
As justly pass for Bears as they. 
For we are Animals no less. 
Although of different Specieses. 
But, Ralpho this is no fit place, 
Nor time to argue out the Case: 
For now the Field is not far off. 
Where we must give the world a proof 
Of Deeds, /not Wo rds\ and such^ as suit 
ASother nranner of Dispute. "" 
A Controversie that afForjs- ^ 
Aflions ^r Arguments, mot \Vordr?^ 
X^TTicEfwe must manage at a rate 
Of Prowess and Conduct adequate ; 

25 



HUDIBRAS 

To what our place and fame doth promise, 

And all the godly expeft from us. 

Nor sTTall" they be deceiv'd, unless 

W are flurr'd and outed by success : 

Success, the Mark no mortal Wit, 

0f~^urest hand can always hit : 

For whatsoe're we perpetrate, 

We do but row, we'are steer'd by Fate, 

Which in success oft disinherits. 

For spurious Causes, noblest merits. 

Great Aftions are not always true Sons 

Of great and mighty Resolutions ; 

Nor doth the bold'st attempts bring forth 

Events still equal to their worth ; 

But sometimes fail, and in their stead. 

Fortune and Cowardise succeed, 

Yet we have no great cause to doubt. 

Our aftions still have born us out. 

Which though th' are known to be so ample. 

We need no copy from example, 

We'are not the onely person durst 

Attempt this Province, nor the first. 

In Northern Clime a valorous Knight 

Did whilom kill his Bear in fight. 

And wound a Fidler ; we have both 

Of these the objects of our Wroth, 

And equal Fame and Glory from 

■^h' Attempt or Viftory to come. 

'Tis sung, There is a valiant Marmaluke 

In foreign Land, yclep'd 

To whom we have been oft compar'd 
For Person, Parts, Address and Beard : 

/ Both equally reputed stout, 

I And in the same Cause both have fought. 
He oft in such Attempts as these 
Came off with glory and success. 
Nor will we fail in th' execution, 
For want of equal Resolution. 
Honour iSjJikeaWidoWjWpn 
[ jth"~bnsE^^Attem pt^^3jputtin^ 



26 



FIRST PART, CANTO I 

WuhjentVing manfully^n d urging ; 
Notslow approacn es^,"J ik"e^ Vir^n. 

This said, as once the Phrygian Knight, 

So ours, with rusty steell, did smite 

His Trojan Horse, and just as much 

He mended pace upon the touch ; 

But from his empty stomach groan'd 

Just as that hollow Beast did sound. 

And angry answer'd from behind. 

With brandish'd Tail and blast of Wind. 

So have I seen with armed heel, 

A Wight bestride a Commonweal; 

Whil'st still the more he kick'd and spurr'd. 

The less the sullen Jade has stirr'd. 



27 



HUDIBRAS 



The Argument of the Second 
CANTO. 



The Catalogue and CharaSier 

Of the Enemies best Men of 'War ; 

IVhom in a bald Harangue, the Knight 

Defy's, and challenges to fight : 

H' incounters Talgol, routs the Bear, 

And takes the Fidler Prisoner; 

Conveys him to enchanted Castle, 

There shuts him fast in wooden Bastile. 



CANTO II. 



THere was an ancient sage Philosopher, 
That had read Alexander Ross over, 
And swore the world, as he could prove, 
Was made of Fighting and of Love : 
Just so Romances are, for what else 
Is in them all, but Love''a.nd Battels? 
O^ th' first of these w'have no great matter 
To treat of, but a world o' th' latter : 
In which to do the injur'd Right 
/ We mean in what concerns just fight. 
Certes our Authors are to blame, 
For to make some well-sounding name 
A Pattern fit for modern Knights, 
To copy out in Frays and Fights, 
(Like those that a whole street do raze. 
To build a Palace in the place.) 



28 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

They never care how many others 

They kill, without regard of Mothers, 

Or Wives, or Children, so they can 

Make up some fierce dead-doing man, 

Compos'd of many ingredient Valors 

Just like the Manhood of nine Tailors. 

So a wilde Tartar when he spies 

A man that's handsome, valiant, wise. 

If he can kill him, thinks t'inherit 

His Wit, his Beauty, and his Spirit : 

As if just so much he enjoy'd 

As in another is destroy'd. 

For when a Giant's slain in fight, 

And mow'd o'erthwart, or cleft downright, 

It is a heavy case, no doubt, 

A man should have his Brains beat out, 

Because he's tall, and has large Bones ; 

As Men kill Beavers for their Stones. 

But as for our part, we shall tell 

The naked Truth of what befell ; 

And as an equal friend to both 

The Knight and Bear, but more to Troth, 

With neither iaftion shall take part, 

But give to each his due desert : 

And never coyn a formal lye on't, 

To make the Knight o'rcome the Giant. 

This b'ing profest, we hope's enough. 

And now go on where we left ofF. 

They rode, but Authors having not 
Determin'd whether Pace or Trot, 
(That is to say, vi'hether Tolutation, 
As they do term't, or Succussatton) 
We leave it, and go on, as now 
Suppose they did, no matter how. 
Yet some from subtle hints [h]ave got 
Mysterious light, it was a Trot. 
But let that pass : they now begun 
To spurr their living Engines on. 
For as whipp'd Tops and bandy 'd Balls, 



29 



HUDIBRAS 

The learned hold, are Animals, 
So Horses they affirm to be 
Mere Engines made by Geometry, 
And were invented first from Engins, 
As Indian Britains were from Penguins. 
So let them be, and, as I was saying. 
They their live Engines ply'd, not staying 
Until they reach'd the fatal Champain, 
Which the Enemy did then encamp on, 
The dire Pharsalian Plain, where Battel 
Was to be wag'd 'twixt puissant Cattel, 
And fierce Auxiliary Men, 
That came to aid their Brethren : 
Who now began to take the Field 
As from his Steed the Knight beheld : 
For as our modern Wits behold, 
Mounted a Pick-back on the Old, 
Much further off, much further he 
Rais'd on his aged Beast could see : 
But not sufficient to descry 
All postures of the Enemy. 
And therefore orders the bold Squire 
T' advance, and view their Body nigher. 
That when their motions he had known, 
He might know how to fit his own. 
Mean while he stopp'd his willing Steed : 
To fit himself for Martial deed : 
Both kinds of mettle he prepar'd. 
Either to give blows or to ward, 
Courage within, and Steel without 
To give, or to receive a Rout. 
His Death-charg'd Pistols he did fit well 
Drawn out from life-preserving Vittle. 
These being prim'd, with force he labour'd 
To free's Sword from retentive Scabbard : 
And after many a painful pluck, 
He clear 'd at length the rugged Tuck. 
Then shook himself, to see that Prowess 
In Scabbard of his Arms set loose ; 
And rais'd upon his desperate foot 



3° 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

On stirrup side he gaz'd about, 
Portending Bloud, like Blazing Star, 
The Beacon of approaching War. 
The Squire advanc'd with greater speed ; 
Then could b' expefted from his Steed ; 
But far more in returning made, 
For now the Foe he had survey'd 
Rang'd, as to him they did appear, 
With Van^ main Battel, Wings and Rear. 

In th' head of all this Warlike Rabble 

Crowdero march'd, expert and able : 

Instead of Trumpet and of Drum, 

That makes the Warrier's stomach come, 

Whose noise whets Valour sharp, like Beer 

By Thunder turn'd to Vineger : 

For if a Trumpet sound, or Drum beat. 

Who has not a months mind to combat ? 

A squeaking Engine he apply'd, 

Unto his Neck on North-east side, 

Just where the Hangman does dispose. 

To special Friends the fatal Noose : 

For 'tis great Grace when Statesmen straight 

Dispatch a Friend, let others wait. 

His warped Ear hung o'er the strings. 

Which was but Souce to Chitterlings : 

For Guts, some write, e're they are sodden. 

Are fit for Musick, or for Pudden : 

From whence men borrow ev'ry kind 

Of Minstrelsy, by string or wind. 

His grizly Beard was long and thick. 

With which he strung his Fiddle-stick : 

For he to Horse-tail scorn'd to owe, 

For what on his own chin did grow. 

Chiron, the four legg'd Bard, had both 

A Beard and Tail of his own growth ; 

And yet by Authors 'tis averr'd. 

He made use onely of his Beard. 

In Staffordshire, where Virtuous worth 

Does raise the Minstrelsie, not Birth ; 



HUDIBRAS 

Where Bulls do chuse the boldest King 

And Ruler, o'er the men of string ; 

(As once in Persia, 'tis said, 

Kings were proclaim'd by a Horse that neigh'd) 

He bravely vent'ring at a Crown, 

By chance of War was beaten down. 

And wounded sore : his Leg then broke, 

Had got a Deputy of Oke : 

For when a shin in fight is cropt, 

The knee with one of timber's propt ; 

Esteem'd more honorable than the other. 

And takes place, though the younger Brother. 

Next march'd brave Orstn^ famous for 

Wise Conduit, and success in War : 

A skilful Leader, stout, severe, 

Now Marshal to the Chamgion Bear. 

With Truncheon tip'd~witnlrbn head. 

The Warrior to the Lists [he] led ; 

With solemn march and stately pace. 

But far more grave and solemn face : 

Grave as the Emperor of Pegu, 

Or Spanish Potentate Don Diego. 

This Leader was of knowledge great, 

Either for Charge or for Retreat. 

Knew when t' engage his Bear Pel-mel 

And when to bring him ofF as well. 

So Lawyers, least the Bear Defendent, 

And Plaintiff Dog should make an end on't, 

Do stave and tail with Writs of Error, 

Reverse of Judgement, and Demurrer, 

To let them breathe awhile and then 

Cry whoop, and set them on agen. 

As Romulus a Wolf did rear, 

So he was dry-nurs'd by a Bear, 

That fed him with the purchas'd prey 

Of many a fierce and bloody fray ; 

Bred up where Discipline most rare is, 

In Military Garden-Paris. 

For Soldiers heretofore did grow 



32 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

In Gardens, Just as Weeds do now ; 

Until some splay-foot Politicians 

T' Apollo ofFer'd up Petitions, 

For licensing a new invention 

Th' 'ad found out of an antique Engine 

To root out all the Weeds that grow 

In publick Garden at a blow. 

And leave th' Herbs standing. Quoth Sir Sun, 

My friends, that is not to be done. 

Not done ? quoth Statesmen ; yes, an't please ye, 

When 'tis once known, ypu'l say 'tis easie. 

Why, then let's know it, quoth Apollo. 

We'll beat a Drum, and they'll all follow. 

A Drum (quoth Phoebus) troth that's true, 

A pretty invention quaint and new. 

But though of Voice and Instrument 

We are ('tis true) chief President ; 

We such loud Musick do n't profess, 

The Devil's Master of that Office, 

Where it must pass, if't be a Drum, 

He'l sign it with Cler. Pari. Dom. Com. 

To him apply your selves, and he 

Will soon dispatch you, for his Fee. 

They did so, but it prov'd so ill, 

Th' had better have let them grow there stil. 

But to resume what we discoursing 

Were on before, that is stout Orsin : 

That which [so] oft by sundry writers, 

Has been apply 'd to almost all fighters, 

More justly may b' ascrib'd to this. 

Than any other Warrior (viz.) 

None [ever] afted both parts bolder, 

Both of a Chieftain and a Soldier. 

He was of great descent and high. 

For splendor and antiquity ; 

And from Cselestial origine 

Deriv'd himself in a right Line. 

Not as the ancient Heroes did. 

Who, that their base births might be hid, 

(Knowing they were of doubtful gender, 

c 33 



HUDIBRAS 

And that they came in at a Windore) 

Made Jupiter himself and others 

O' th' Gods Gallants to their own Mothers. 

To get on them a Race of Champions, 

Of which old Homer first made Lampoons, 

Ar£tophylax^ in Northern Sphere, 

Was his undoubted Ancestor : 

From [him] his Great Forefathers came, 

And in all Ages bore his name. 

Learn'd he was in Med'c'nal Lore, 

For by his side a Pouch he wore 

Replete with strange Hermetick Powder, 

That Wounds six Miles point-blank would solder. 

By skilful Chymist with great cost 

Extracted from a rotten Post ; 

But of a heav'nlier influence, 

Than that which Mountebanks dispense; 

Though by Promethean Fire made, 

As they do quack that drive that Trade, 

For as when Slovens do amiss 

At others doors by Stool or Piss, 

The Learned write, a Red-hot Spit, 

B'ing prudently apply'd to it. 

Will convey mischief from the Dung, 

Unto the part that did the wrong : 

So this did healing, and as sure 

As that did mischief, this would cure. 

Thus virtuous Orsin was endu'd, 
With Learning, Conduft, Fortitude, 
Incomparable : and as the Prince 
Of Poets, Homer, sung long since, 
A skilful Leech is better far 
Than half a hundred Men of War ; 
So he appear'd, and by his skill, 
No less than Dint of Sword could kill. 

The Gallant Bruin marcht next' him. 
With Visage formidably grim. 
And rugged as a Saracin, 



3+ 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

Or Turk of Mahomet's own kin ; 

Clad in a Mantle de la Guer 

Of rough impenetrable Fur ; 

And in his Nose, like Indian King, 

He wore for Ornament a Ring; 

About his Neck a three-fold Gorget, 

As tough as trebled leathern Tar[g]et; 

Armed^ as Heralds cant^ and langu\e]d^ 

Or, as the Vulgar say, sharp fanged. 

For as the Teeth in Beasts of Prey 

Are Swords, with which they fight in Fray. 

So Swords in Men of War, are Teeth, 

Which they do eat their Vittle with. 

He was, by birth, some Authors write, 

A Russian^ some a M[u'\scovite, 

And 'mong the Cossacks had been bred. 

Of whom we in Diurnals read, 

That serve to fill up Pages here, 

As with their Bodies Ditches there. 

Scrimansky was his Cousin-german 

With whom he serv'd and fed on Vermin : 

And when these fail'd he'd suck his claws, 

And quarter himself upon his paws. 

And though his Country-men, the Huns, 

Did use to stew between their Bums, 

And their warm Horses backs, their meat. 

And every man his Saddle eat : 

He was not half so nice as they, 

But eat it raw when 't came in 'is way. 

He had trac'd Countreys far and near. 

More than Le Blanc the Traveller ; 

Who writes, He Spous'd in India, 

Of noble house, a Lady gay. 

And got on her a Race of Worthies 

As stout as any upon Earth is. 

Full many a Fight for him between 

Talgol and Orsin oft had been ; 

Each striving to deserve the Crown 

Of a sav'd Citizen : the one 

To guard his Bear, the other fought 

c 2 



35 



HUDlBKAb 

/ To aid his Dog ; both made more stout 
I By sev'ral spurs of neighborhood, 

Church-fellow-membership^ and blood : 

But Talgol, mortal foe to Cows, 

Never got ought of him but blows ; 

Blows hard and heavy, such as he 

Had lent, repay'd with Usury. 

Yet Talgol was of Courage stout. 

And vanquish'd oftner than he fought : 

Inur'd to labor, sweat, and toyl. 

And like a Champion, shone with Oyl. 

Right many a Widow his keen blade. 

And many a Fatherless, had made. 

He many a Bore and huge Dun Cow 

Did, like another Guy^ o'erthrow. 

But Guy with him in fight compar'd. 

Had like the Bore or Dun Cow far'd. 

With greater Troops of Sheep h' had fought 

Than Ajax, or bold Don ^ixot: 

And many a Serpent of fell kind. 

With wings before, and stings behind, 

Subdu'd ; as Poets say, long agone 

Bold Sir George, Saint George did the Dragon. 

Nor Engine, nor Device Polemick, 

Disease, nor Dodtor Epidemick, 

Though stor'd with Deletery Med'cines, 

(Which whosoever took is Dead since) 

E'er sent so vast a Colony 

To both the under-worlds as he. 

For he was of that noble Trade 

That Demi-gods and Heroes made. 

Slaughter and knocking on the head ; 

The Trade to which they all were bred ; 

And is, like others, glorious when 

'Tis great and large, but base if mean. 

The former rides in Triumph for it ; 

The latter in a two wheel'd Chariot, 

For daring to prophane a thing 

So Sacred, with vile bungling. 



36 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

Next these the brave Magngno came, 
Magnano great in Martial Fame. 
Yet when with Ornn he wag'd fight, 
'Tis sung he got but little by't. 
Yet he was fierce as Forest-Bore, 
Whose Spoils upon his Back he wore. 
As thick as Ajax seven-fold Shield, 
Which o'er his brazen A[r]ms he held. 
But Brass was feeble to resist 
The fury of his armed fist ; 
Nor could the hardest Ir'n hold out 
Against his blows, but they would through't. 

In Magkk he was deeply read. 
As he that made the Brazen-head; 
Profoundly skill'd in the Black Art, 
As English Merlin for his heart ; 
But far more skilful in the Spheres 
Than he was at the Sieve and Shears. 
He could transform himself in Color, 
As like the Devil as a Collier; 
As like as Hypocrites in show 
Are to true Saints, or Crow to Crow. 

Of Warlike Engines he was Author, 

Devis'd for quick dispatch of slaughter : 

The Cannon, Blunderbuss, and Saker, 

He was th' Inventer of and Maker : 

The Trumpet and the Kettle-Drum 

Did both from his Invention come. 

He was the first that e'r did teach 

To make, and how to stop a breach. 

A Lance he bore with Iron pike. 

The one half would thrust, the other strike : 

And when their forces he had join'd. 

He scorn'd to turn his Parts behind. 

He Trulla lov'd, Trulla mpre_bdght;. 
Than burnish'd Armor of her Knight : 
A bold Virago, stout and tall 



37 



38 



HUDIBRAS 

As 'Joan of France^ or English Mall, 
Through perils both of Wind and Limb, 
Through thick and thin she follow'd him, 
In ev'ry Adventure h' undertook, 
And never him, or it forsook. 
At breach of Wall, or Hedge surprize. 
She shar'd i' th' hazard and the prize : 
At beating Quarters up, or Forage, 
Behav'd her self with matchless courage ; 
And laid about in fight more bus'ly, 
Than the Amazonian Dame, Penthesile. 

'And though some Criticks here cry shame. 
And say our Authors are [to] blame, 
That spight of all Philosophers, 
Who hold no Females stout but Bears, 
And heretofore did so abhor 
Their Women should pretend to War, 

iThey would not suffer the stout'st Dame, 

[To swear by Hercules his Name, 
Make feeble Ladies, in their Works, 
To fight like Termagants and Turks ; 
To lay their native Arms aside. 
Their modesty, and ride a-stride ; 
To run a-Tilt at Men, and wield 
Their naked Tools in open field j 
As stout Armida, bold Thalestris, 
And she that would have been the Mistriss 
Of Gundibert, but he had grace. 
And rather took a Country Lass : 

' They say 'tis false, without all sense 
BuiT'oFpermcious consequence 
To Govefnment, which they suppose 
CmT never be upheld" in Prose: 
Strip Nature naked to the skin. 
You'll find about her no such thing. 
It may be so, yet what we tell 
Of- Trulla, that's improbable. 
Shall be depos'd by those have seen't. 
Or, what's as good, produc'd in print: 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

And if they will not take our word, 
We'll prove it true upon record. 

The upright Cerdon next advanc't 

Of all his Race the Valiant'st ; 

Cerdon the Great, renown'd in Song, 

Like Herc'les, for repair of wrong : 

He rais'd the low, and fortifi'd 

The weak against the strongest side. 

Ill has he read, that never hit 

On him in Muses deathless writ. 

He had a weapon keen and fierce. 

That through a Bull-hide shield would pierce. 

And cut it in a thousand pieces. 

Though tougher than the Knight of Greece his ; 

With whom his black thumb'd Ancestor 

Was Comrade in the ten years War : 

For when the restless Greeks sate down 

So many years before Troy Town, 

And were renown'd, as Homer writes, 

For well-soVd Boots, no less than Fights ; 

They ow'd that Glory onely to 

His Ancestor, that made them so. 

Yj&t Friend he was to Reformation, 

Until 'twas worn xjuite 6ut of fashion. 

Next Reftifier of Wry Law, 

And would make three, to cure one flaw. 

Learned he was, and could take note. 

Transcribe, CoUedt, Translate and Quote. 

But Preaching was his chiefest Talent, 

Or Argument, in which b'ing valiant, 

He us'd to lay about and stickle, 

Like Ram or Bull, at Conventicle : 

For Disputants like Rams and Bulls, 

Do fight with Arms that spring from Skulls, 

Last Colon came, bold Man of War, 
Destin'd to blows by fatal Star ; 
Right expert in Command of Horse, 
But cruel, and without remorse. 



39 



HUDIBRAS 

That which of Centaure long ago 

Was said, and has been wrested to 

Some other Knights, was true of this, 

He and his Horse, were of a piece. 

One Spirit did inform them both. 

The self-same Vigor, Fury, Wroth : 

Yet he was much the rougher part, 

And always had the harder heart ; 

Although his Horse had been of those, 

That fed on Man's flesh. As Fame goes. 

Strange food for Horse ! and yet, alas. 

It may be true, for Flesh is Grass, 

Sturdy he was, and no less able 

Than Hercules to cleanse a Stable ; 

As great a Drover, and as great 

A Critick too in Hog or Neat, 

He ripp'd the Womb up of his Mother, 

Dame Tellus, 'cause she wanted fother 

And Provender wherewith to feed 

Himself and his less cruel Steed. 

It was a question whether He 

Or's Horse were of a Family 

More Worshipful : till Antiquaries, 

(After th' 'ad almost por'd out their Eyes) 

Did very learnedly decide 

The bus'ness on the Horse's side, 

And prov'd not onely Horse, but Cows, 

Nay Pigs, were of the elder house : 

For Beasts, when man was but a piece 

Of earth himself, did th' earth possess. 

These Worthies were the chief that led 
The Combatants, each in the head 
Of his Command, with Arms and Rage, 
Ready and longing to engage. 
The numerous Rabble was drawn out 
Of several Companies round about; 
From Villages remote, and Shires, 
Of East and Western Hemispheres : 
From forain Parishes and Regions, 



40 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

Of different Manners, Speech, Religions, 
Came Men and Mastives ; some to fight 
For Fame and Honor, some for sight. 
And now the field of Death, the Lists 
Were ent'red by Antagonists, 
And blood was ready to be broached ; 
When Hudibras in haste approached, 
With Squire and Weapons to attack 'em : 
But first thus from his Horse bespake 'em. 

What Rage, O Citizens, what fury 
Doth you to those dire acSions hurry .? 
What Oestrum^ what phrenetick mood 
Makes you thus lavish of your blood. 
While the proud Vies your Trophies boast, 

And unreveng'd walks ghost ? 

What Towns, what Garisons might you 
With hazard of this blood subdue. 
Which now y' are bent to throw away 
In vain, untriumphable fray ? 

Shall Saints in Civil bloudshed wallow^ 
Of Saints, and let the Cause lie fallow 
The Cause for which we fought and swor^ 
So boldly, shall we now give o'er .? 
Then because Quarrels still are seen 
With Oaths and Swfearing to begin. 
The Solemn League and Covenant 
Will seem a meer God-dam-me Rant ; 
And we that took it, and have fought, 
As lewd as Drunkards that fall out. 
For as we make War for the King 
'Against himself, the self-same thing 
Some will not stick to swear we do 
For God and for Religion too. 
For if Bear-baiting we allow. 
What "good can Reforrmtion do t 
The'BTou3~and~Treasure'~tfiat's laid out, 
Is thrown away, and goes for nought. 
Are these the fruits o' th' Protestation, 



41 



HUDIBRAS 

The Prototype of Reformation, 

Which all the Saints, and some, since Martyrs, 

Wore in their Hats, like Wedding-Garters, 

When 'twas resolved by their House 

Six Members quarrel to espouse ? 

Did they for this draw down the Rabble, 

With zeal and noises forinidable ; 

And make all Cries about the Town 

Joyn throats to cry the Bishops down ? 

Who having round begirt the Palace, 

(As once a month they do the Gallows) 

As Members gave the sign about 

Set up their throats with hideous shout. 

When Tinkers bawl'd aloud, to settle 

C^iinh" Discipline, for patching Kettle^ 

No Sow-gelder did blow his Horn 

To geld a Cat, but cry'd Reform. 

The Oyster-wom\/\n lock'd their Fish up, ■ 

And trudg'd away to cry No Bishop. 

The Mouse-trap men laid Save-alls by, 

And 'gainst Ev'l Counsellors did cry. 

Botchers left old C baths in the lurchj. 

And fell to turn and patch the^ Church. 

Some cry '3 the Covenant instead 

Of Pudding-pies and Ginger-bread: 

And some for Broom, old Boots, and Shooes, 

Baul'd out to purge the Commons House : 

Instead of Kitchin-stuff, some cry 

A Gospel-pr caching-Ministry ; 

And some for Old Suits, Coats, or Cloak, 

No Surplices, nor Service-Book. 

A strange harmonious inclination 

Of all degrees to Reformation. 

And is this all ? is this the end 

To which these carr'ings on did tend ? 

Hath Publick Faith like a young heir 

For this ta'en up all sorts of Ware, 

And run int' ev'ry Tradesman's Book, 

Till both turn'd Bankrupts, and are broke ? 

Did Saints for this bring in their Plate, 

42 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

And crowd as if they came too late ? 

For when they thought the Cause had need on't, 

Happy was he that could be rid on't. 

Did they coyn Piss-pots, Bowls, and Flaggons, 

Int' Officers of Horse and Dragoons ; 

And into Pikes and Musqueteers 

Stamp Beakers, Cups, and Porringers? 

A Thimble, Bodkin, and a Spoon 

Did start up living men as soon 

As in the Furnace they were thrown, 

Just like the Dragons teeth being sown. 

Then wasthe Cause all^d[d..and._Elate, 

The Breihrens ofF'rings, consecrate 

Like th' Hebrew-calf, and down before it 

The Saints fell prostrate, to adore it. 

So Say the Wicked and will you 

Make that Sarcasmous Scandal true, 

By running after Dogs and Bears, 

Beasts more unclean than Calves and Steers .? 

Have powerful Preachers ply'd their tongues, 

And laid themselves out and their Lungs ; 

Us'd all means both diredl and sinister 

I' th' power of Gospel-Preaching Minister? 

Have they invented Tones, to win 

The Women, and make them draw in 

The Men, as Indians with a Female 

Tame Elephant inveigle the Male .? 

Have they told Prov dence what it must do. 

Whom to avoid, and whom to trust to ? 

Discover'd xh^ Enemy's design. 

And which way best to countermine ; 

Prescrib'd what ways he hath to work, 

Or it will ne'r advance the Kirk, 

Told it the News o' th' last express. 

And after good or bad success 

Made Prayers, not so like Petitions, 

As Overtures and Propositions, 

(Such as the Army did present 

To their Creator th' Parliament) 

In which they freely will confess. 



43 



HUDIBRAS 

They will not, cannot acquiesce. 
Unless the Work be carry'd on 
In the same way they have begun, 
By setting Church and Common-weal, 
Airon'a flame brighT'as their zeal^ 
Off which the Saints were all-a-gog. 
And all this for a Bear and Dog. 



The Parliament drew up Petitions 

To 't self, and sent them, like Commissions, 

To Well-affeSied Persons down. 

In ev'ry City and great Town ; 

With pow'r to levy Horse and Men, 

Only to bring them back agen : 

For this did many, many a mile, 

Ride manfully in Rank and File, 

With Papers in their Hats, that show'd 

As if they to th' Pillory rode, 

Have all these courses, these efforts, 

Been try'd by people of all sorts, 

Velis £sf Remis, omnibus Nervis, 

And all t' advance the Causers service: 

And shall all now be thrown away 

In petulant intestine fray : 

Shall we that in the Covenant swore, 

Each man of us to run before 

Another still in Reformation, 

Give Dogs and Bears a Dispensation ? 

How will dissenting Brethren relish it ? 

What will Malignants say ? Videlicet, 

That each man swore to do his best. 

To damn and perjure all the rest : 

And bid the Devil take the hindmost. 

Which at this Race is like to win most. 

They'll say our bus'ness to reform 

The Church and State is but a worm ; 

For to subscribe unsight, unseen, 

T' an unknown Churches Discipline : 

What is it else, but before-hand, 

T' ingage, and after understand ? 



44 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

F or when, we s wore to carry on 
The pr esent IJeJirmatip n, 
Accorgin g rto^he j' urest mod e 
Of Churches , best"^eform'd a broad, 

^J^^^-*^' -~^^-™-^'^^"--S*^*^ a.-yaw 
To d'b we lSiowjipt what, nor h ow ? 

For no three of lis will agree 

Where, or what Churches these should be. 

And is indeed the self-same case 

With theirs that swore Et cateras ; 

Or the French League, in which men vow'd 

To fight to the last drop of bloud. 

These slanders will be thrown upon 

The Cause and Work we carry on. 

If we permit men to run headlong 

T' exorbitancies fit for Bedlam, 

Rather then Gospel-walking times, 

When slighted Sins are greatest Crimes. 

But we the matter so shall handle, 

As to remove that odious scandal 

In name of King and Parliament, 

I charge ye all, no more foment 

This feud, but keep the Peace between 

Your Brethren and your Countrey-men 

And to those places straight repair 

Where your respe<5i:ive dwellings are. 

But to that purpose_ first surrender, 

The Fidler, as the prime offender, 

Th' Incendiary vile, that is the chief 

Author and T)nginier of mischief; 

That makes division between friends. 

For prophane and malignant ends. 

He and that Engine of vile noise, 

On which illegally he plays. 

Shall {di£lum factum) both be brought 

To condigne Punishment as th'y ought. 

This must be done, and I would fain see 

Mortal so sturdy as to gain-say : 

For then [I]'II take another course. 

And son Reduce you all by force. 

45 



HUDIBRAS 

This said, he clapt his hand on Sword, 
To shew he meant to keep his word. 

But Talgol, who had long supprest 
Enflamed wrath in glowing breast, 
Which now began to rage and burn as 
Implacably as flame in Furnace, 
Thus answer'd him. Thou Vermin wretched, 
As e'er in Meazel'd Pork was hatched ; 
Thou Tail of Worship, that dost grow 
On Rump of Justice as of Cow ; 
How dar'st thou with that sullen Luggage 
[O'] thy self, old I'rn and other Baggage, 
With which thy Steed of Bones and Leather 
Has broke his wind in halting hither ; 
How durst th', I say, adventure thus 
T' oppose thy Lumber against us ? 
Could thine Impertinence find out 
No work t'employ it self about. 
Where thou secure from Wooden blow 
Thy busy vanity might'st show? 
Was no disputeaioot_betweejj, 
i)aeCatt erwaulinz Brethren ? 
l?o~ subtle Question rais'd among 

th'^wrojig? 
I?o~prIze'between those Combatants 

tn'~Times, the Land and Water-Sazwi^ ; 
WHere tfiou ' migKt'st stickle without hazard 
X){ o utrage to thy hide and mazard. 



And not for want of bus'ness come 

To us to be thus troublesome. 

To interrupt our better sort 

Of Disputants, and spoil our sport ? 

Was there no Felony, no Bawd, 

Cut-purse, nor Burglary abroad ? 

No Stolen Pig, nor Plunder'd Goose, 

To tye thee up from breaking loose ? 

No Ale unlicenc'd, broken hedge, 

For which thou Statute might'st alledge. 

To keep thee busie from foul evil, 



46 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

And shame due to thee from the Devil ? 
Did no Committee sit, where he 
Might cut out journy-work for thee ; 
And set th' a task, with subornation, 
To stitch up sale and sequestration ; 
To cheat with Holiness an d ZeaL^ 

Much better had it been for thee, "" 

H'had kept thee where th'art us'd to be; 

Or sent th'on bus'ness any whither, 

So he had never brought thee hither. 

But if th'hast Brain enough in Sk[u]ll 

To keep within it's lodging whole. 

And not provoke the rage of Stones 

And Cudgels to thy Hide and Bones ; 

Tremble, and vanish while thou may'st 

Which I'll not promise if thou stay'st. 

At this the Knight grew high in wroth. 

And lifting hands and eyes up both, 

Three times [he] smote on stomach stout. 

From whence at length these words broke out. 

Was I for this entitled Sir, 

And girt with trusty Sword and Spur, 

For Fame and Honor to wage Battel, 

Thus to be brav'd by Foe to Cattel? 

Not all that Pride that makes thee swell 

As big as thou dost blown-up Veal ; 

Nor all thy tricks and slights to cheat, 

And sell thy Carrion for good Meat ; 

Not all thy Magick to repair 

Decay'd old age in tough lean ware. 

Make Natural Death appear thy work. 

And stop the Gangreen in stale Pork ; 

Not all that force that makes thee proud. 

Because by Bullock ne'er withstood ; 

Though arm'd with all thy Clevers, Knives, 

And Axes made to hew down lives; 

Shall save or help thee to evade 
(The hand of Justice, or this blade 
\ Which I her Sword-bearer do carry, 

47 



HUDIBRAS 

For civil Deed and Military. 

Nor shall these words of Venom base, 

Which thou hast from their Native place, 

Thy stomach, pump'd to fling on me, 

Go unreveng'd, though I am free. 

Thou down the same throat shalt devour 'em, 

Like tainted Beef, and pay dear for 'em. 

Nor shall it e'er be said, that wight 

With Gantlet blew and Bases white. 

And round blunt Dudgeon by his side, 

So great a man at Arms defy'd 

With words far bitterer than Wormwood, 

That would in fob or Grizel stir mood. 

Dogs with their Tongues their Wounds do heal 

But Men with hands as thou shalt feel. 

This said, with hasty rage he snatch'd 

His Gun-shot, that in holsters watch'd ; 

And bending Cock, he level'd full 

Against th' outside of Talgol's Skull, 

Vowing that he would ne'er stir further. 

Nor henceforth Cow or Bullock murther. 

B\it Pal/as cam e jj i shape of Rust^ 

And ^w ixt the Spring an 3TIammer thrust 

He r (jgr^g«-shiel d whjcli" made the Cock 

^tancL^tffl_^sjif2tw^""^^n^~^ 

MeanwMe" Strc&'Tafgcil gatirring~might, . 

With rugged Trunclaeon charg'd the Knight. 

And he his rusty Pistel" held 

To take the blow on, like a Shield ; 

The Gun recoyl'd, as well it might. 

Not us'd to such a kind of fight. 

And shrunk from its great Master's gripe, 

Knock'd down and stunn'd with mortal stripe. 

Then Hudibras with fiirious haste 

Drew out his sword j yet not so fast. 

But Talgol first with hardy thwack 

Twice bruis'd his head, and twice his back. 

But when his nut-brown Sword was out. 

Courageously he lai3~about, 

Imprinting many a wound upon 



48 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

His mortal foe the Truncheon. 

The trusty Cudgel did oppose 

It self against dead-doing blows, 

To guard its Leader from fell bane, 

And then reveng'd it self again. 

And though the sword (some understood) 

In force had much the odds of Wood ; 

'Twas nothing so, both sides were ballanc't 

So equal, none knew which was valiant'st. 

For Wood with Honor be'ng engag'd, 

Is so implacably enrag'd. 

Though Iron hew and mangle sore, 

Wood wounds and bruises Honor more. 

And now both Knights were out of breath, 

Tir'd in the hot pursuit of Death ; 

While all the rest amaz'd stood still, 

Expedling which should take, or kill. 

This Hudihras observ'd, and fretting 

Conquest should be so long a getting. 

He drew up all his force into 

One Body, and that into one Blow. 

But Talgol wisely avoided it 

By cunning slight ; for had it hit. 

The Upper part of him the Blow 

Had slit, as sure as that below. 

Mean while th' incomparable Colon, 

To aid his Friend began to fall on. 

Him Ralph encountred, and straight grew 

A fierce Dispute betwixt them two : 

Th'one arm'd with Metall, t'other with Wood ; 

This fit for bruise, and that for Blood. 

With many a stiff thwack, many a bang. 

Hard Crab-tree and old Iron rang ; 

While none that saw them could divine 

To which side Conquest would encline : 

Until Magnano, who did envy 

That two should with so many men vye. 

By subtle stratagem of brain 

Perform'd what force could ne'er attain. 



49 



HUDIBRAS 

For he by foul hap having found 
Where Thistles grew on barren ground, 
In haste he drew his weapon out 
And having crop'd them from the Root 
He clapp'd them under th' Horses Tail 
With prickles sharper than a Nail : 
The angry Beast did strait resent 
The wrong done to his Fundament, 
Begun to kick, and fling, and wince. 
As if h'had been beside his sense. 
Striving to disingage from Smart, 
And raging Pain, th'afflidled Part, 
Instead of which he threw the pack 
Of Squire and Baggage from his back ; 
And blundring still with smarting rump, 
He gave the Champions Steed a thump, 
That stagger'd him. The Knight did stoop 
And sate on further side aslope, 
This Talgol viewing, who had now 
By flight escap'd the fatal blow. 
He rally'd, and again fell to't ; 
For catching him by nearer foot. 
He lifted with such might and strength. 
As would have hurl'd him twice his length. 
And dash'd his brains (if any) out. 
But Mars that still prpte£ls. the stout. 
In Pudding-time came to his aid. 
And under him the Bear convey'd. ; 
The Bear, upon whose soft Fur-Gown 
The Knight with all his weight fell down. 
The friendly Rug preserv'd the ground, 
And headlong Knight from bruise or wound. 
Like Feather-Bed betwixt a Wall, 
And heavy brunt of Cannon-ball. 
As Sancho on a Blanket fell. 
And had no hurt ; ours far'd as well 
In body, though his mighty Spirit, 
.B'ing heavy, did not so well bear it. 
The Bear was in a greater fright, 
iBeat down and worsted by the Knight. 



50 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

He roar'd, and rag'd, and flung about, 

To shake ofF bondage from his snout. 

His wrath enflam'd boil'd o'er, and from 

His jaws of Death he threw the fome. 

Fury in stranger postures threw him, 

And more, than ever Herald drew him, 

He tore the Earth, which he had sav'd 

From squelch of Knight^ and storm'd and rav'd 

And vext the more, because the harms 

He felt were 'gainst the Law of Arms : 

For Men he always took to be 

His friends, and Dogs the Enemy : 

Who never so much hurt had done him. 

As his own side did falling on him. 

It griev'd him to the Guts, that they 

For whom h' had fought so many a fray, 

And serv'd with loss of blood so long. 

Should offer such inhumane wrong'; 

Wrong of unsoldier-like condition : 

For which he flung down his Commission, 

And laid about him, till his Nose 

From thrall of Ring and Cord broke loose. 

Soon as he felt himself enlarg'd, 

Through thickest of his foes he charg'd. 

And made way through th'amazed crew, 

Some he o'er ran, and some o'er threw 

But took none ; for by hasty flight 

He strove t'avoid the conqu'ring Knight. 

From whom he fled with as much haste 

And dread as he the Rabble chac'd. 

In haste he fled, and so did they, 

Each and his fear a several way. 

' Crowdero only kept the field, 
Notstirring from the place he held. 
Though beaten down and woundgjL sore . 
r th' Fiddle, and a Leg that bore 
Gne side of him, not that of bone. 
But much its betters, th'wooden one. 
He spying Hudibras lye strow'd 

D 2 51 



HUDIBRAS 

Upon the ground, like log of Wood, 

With fright of fall, supposed Wound, 

And loss of Urine, in a swound. 

In haste he snatch'd the Wooden limb 

That hurt in th' anckle lay by him. 

And fitting it for sudden fight. 

Straight drew it up, t'attack the Knight. 

For getting up on stump and buckle, 

He with the foe began to buckle. 

Vowing to be revengM for breach 

Of Crowd and SHih upon the Wretch, 

Sole Author of all Detrinient 

He and his Fiddle underwent. 

But Ralpho (who had now begun 

T' adventure Resurreftion 

From heavy Squelch, and had got up 

Upon his Legs with sprained Crup) 

Looking about beheld the Bard 

To charge the Knight intranc'd prepar'd, 

He snatch't his Whiniard up, that fled 

When he was falling off^ his Steed, 

(As Rats do from a falling house) 

To hide it self from rage of blows ; 

And wing'd with speed and fury, flew 

To rescue Knight from black and blew. 

Which e're he could atchieve, his Sconce 

The Leg encounter'd twice and once : 

And now 'twas rais'd, to smite agen, 

When Ralpho thrust himself between. 

He took the blow upon his Arm, 

To shield the Knight from further harm ; 

And joining wrath with force, bestow'd 

O' th' wooden member such a load, 

That down it fell, and with it bore 

Crowdero^ whom it prop'd before. 

To him the Squire did right nimbly run. 

And setting his bold foot upon 

His Trunk, thus spoke : What desperate Frenzie 

Made thee, (thou whelp of sin) to fancy 

Thy self and all that Coward Rabble 

52 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

T' encounter us in battel able ? 

How durst th', I say, oppose thy Curship ; 

'Gainst Arms, Authority, and Worship ? 

And Hudibras, or me provoke, 

Though all thy Limbs were heart of Oke, 

And th' other half of thee as good 

To bear out blows as that of Wood ? 

Could not the whipping-post prevail 

With all its Rhet'rick, nor the Jail, 

To keep from flaying scourge thy skin. 

And ankle free from Iron Gin ? 

Which now thou shalt but first our care 

Must see how Hudibras doth fare. 
This said, he gently rais'd the Knight, 
And set him on his Bum upright : 
To rouze him from Lethargick dump ; 
He tweak'd his Nose with gentle thump; 
Knock'd on his breast, as iPt had been 
To raise the Spirits lodg'd within. 
They waken'd with the noise, did fly 
From inward Room to Window eye. 
And gently op'ning lid, the Casement, 
Lookt out, but yet with some amazement. 
This gladed Ralpho much to see, 
Who thus bespoke the Knight : Quoth he 
'Tweaking his Nose, You are, great Sir, 
A Self-denying Conqueror; 
As high, viftorious and great. 
As e'er fought for the Churches yet, 
If you will give your self but leave 
To make out what y' already have ; 
That's Viftory. The foe, for dread 
Of your Nine-worthiness, is fled, 
All save Crowdero, for whose sake 
You did th' espous'd Cause undertake : 
And he lies pris'ner at your feet, 
To be dispos'd as you think meet : 
Either for Life, or Death, or Sale, 
The Gallows, or perpetual Jail. 
For one wink of your pow'rful Eye 



53 



HUDIBRAS 

Must Sentence him to live or dye. 

His Fiddle is your proper purchase, 

Won in the service of the Churches ; 

And by your doom must be allow'd 

To be, or be no more, a Crowd. 

For though success did not confer 

Just Title on the Conquerer ; 

Though dispensations were not strong 

Conclusions whether right or wrong; 

Although Out-goings did not confirm, 

And Owning were but a mere term : 

Yet as the wicked have no right 

To th'' Creature, though usurp'd by might. 

The property is in the Saint, 

From whom th' injuriously detain't ; 

Of him they hold their Luxuries, 

Their Dogs, their Horses, Whores and Dice, 

Their Riots, Revels, Masks, Delights, 

Pimps, BuiFoons, Fidlers, Parasites : 

All which the Saints have Title, to,- 

And ought t'enjoy, if th' had their due. 

What we take from them is n o more 

Than what was ours by right before. 

For we are their true Landlords still, 

And they our Tenants but at will. 

At this the Knight begun to rouse, 

And by degrees grow valorous. 

He star'd about, and seeing none 

Of all his foes remain but one, 

He snatch'd his weapon that lay near him, 

And from the ground began to rear him ; 

Vowing to make Crowdero pay 

^or all the rest that ran away. 

But Ralpho now in colder blood. 

His fury mildly thus withstood : 

Great Sir, quoth he, your mighty Spirit 

Is rais'd too high, this Slave does merit 

To be the Hangman's bus'ness sooner 

Than from your hand to have the honour 



54 



FIRST PART, CANTO II 

Of his destruction. I that am 

So much below in Deed and Name, 

Did scorn to hurt his forfeit Carcass, 

Or ill intreat his Fiddle or Case. 

Will you, Great Sir, that Glory blot 

In cold bloud, which you gain'd ia hot ? 

Will you employ your Conque'ring Sword, 

To break a Fiddle and your Word ? 

For though I fought, and overcame. 

And quarter gave, 'twas in your name. 

For great Commanders always own 

What's prosperous by the Soldier done. 

To save, where you have pow'r to kill, 

Argues your Pow'r above your Will ; 

And that your Will and Pow'r have less 

Than both might have of Selfishness. 

This Pow'r which now alive with dread 

He trembles at, if he were dead. 

Would no more keep the Slave in awe. 

Than if you were a Knight of Straw : 

For death would then b' his Conqueror, 

Not you, and free him from that terror. 

If danger from his life accreu. 

Or honour from his death to you ; 

'Twere Policy, and Honor too. 

To do as you resolv'd to do ; 

But, Sir, 'twould wrong your valor much. 

To say it needs or fears a Crutch. 

Great Conquerors greater glory gain 

By Foes in Triumph led, than slain : • 

The Lawrels that adorn their brows 

Are pull'd from living, not dead boughs. 

And living foes the greatest fame 

Of Cripple slain can be but lame. 

One half of him's already slain. 

The other is not worth your pain. 

Th' honor can but on one side light. 

As Worship did, when y'were dubb'd Knight. 

Wherefore I think it better far. 

To keep him Prisoner of War ; 

55 



HUDIBRAS 

And let him fast in bonds abide, 

At Court of Justice to be try'd : 

Where if h' appear so bold or crafty ; 

There may be danger in his safety ; 

If any Member there dislike 

His Face, or to his Beard have pike ; 

Or if his death will save, or yield. 

Revenge, or fright, it is reveaVd^ 

Though he has quarter, ne'ertheless 

Y'have pow'r to hang him when you please 

This hath been often done by some 

Of our great Conqu'rors, you know whom : 

And has by most of us beeii held 

Wise Justice, and to some reveaVd. 

For Words and Promises that yoke. 

The Conqu'ror, are quickly broke. 

Like Samson's CufFs, though by his own 

Direction and advice put on. 

Forifweshould_fight for the Cause 

jjy "ruIer"or_military2^aws. 

And only do whatTRe^_calliust, 

The Cause w ^fai'""quickIy~la nto dust. 

TEir"we~aftrong our selves may~speak, 

But to the Wicked or the Weak 

We must be cautious to declare 

Perfe£lion-truths, such as these are. 

This said, the high outrageous mettle 
Of Knight began to cool and settle. 
He lik'd the Squire''s advice, and soon 
Resolv'd to see the bus'ness done : 
And therefore charg'd him first to bind 
Crowdero's hands on rump behind ; 
And to its former place and use 
The Wooden member to reduce : 
But force it take an Oath before. 
Ne'er to bear Arms against him more. 

Ralpho dispatch'd with speedy haste 
And having ty'd Crowdero fast, 



56 



FIRST PART, GANTO II 

He gave Sir Knight the end of Cord 

To lead the Captive of his Sword 

In triumph while the Steeds he caught, 

And them to further service brought. 

The Squire in state rode on before 

And on his nut-brown Whiniard bore 

The Trophee Fiddle and the Qy^, 

PlaC'd~on-1iiT' shoulder like a Mace. 

The Knight himself did after ride, 

Leading Crowdero by his side, 

And tow'd him, if he lagg'd behind. 

Like Boat against the Tide and Wind. 

Thus grave and solemn they march on. 

Until quite through the Town th' had gone, 

At further end of which there stands 

An ancient Castle, that commands 

Th' adjacent parts ; in all the fabrick 

You shall not see one stone nor a brick : 

But all of Wood, by pow'rfiil Spell 

Of Magick made impregnable. 

There's neither Iron-bar, nor Gate, 

Portcullis, Chain, nor Bolt, nor Grate : 

And yet men durance there abide. 

In Dungeon scarce three inches wide ; 

With Roof so low, that under it 

They never stand, but lie, or sit. 

And yet so foul, that whoso is in. 

Is to the middle-leg in Prison, 

In Circle Magical confin'd, 

With Walls of subtle Air and Wind, 

Which none are able to break thorough. 

Until th' are freed by head of Borough. 

Thither arriv'd the advent'rous Knight 

And bold Squire from their Steeds alight. 

At th' outward Wall, near which [there] stands 

A Bastile built t'imprison hands ; 

By strange enchantment made to fetter 

The lesser parts, and free the greater. 

For though the Body may creep through, 

The Hands in Grate are fast enough. 

57 



HUDIBRAS 

And when a Circle 'bout the Wrist 

Is made by Beadle Exorcist, 

The Body feels the Spur and Switch, 

As if 'twere ridden Post by 'witch 

At twenty miles an hour pace. 

And yet ne'er stirs out of the place. 

On top of this there is a Spire, 

On which Sir Knight first bids the Squire, 

The Fiddle, and its Spoils, the Case, 

In manner of a Trophee place. 

That done, they ope the Trap-dore-gate, 

And let Crowdero down thereat. 

Crowdero making doleful face. 

Like Hermit poor in pensive place. 

To Dungeon they the wretch commit. 

And the survivor of his feet : 

But th' other that had broke the peace. 

And head of Knighthood, they release. 

Though a Deliltilquent false and forged. 

Yet b'ing a stranger, he's enlarged ; 

While his Comrade that did no hurt. 

Is clapt up fast in prison for't. 

So Justice, while she winks at Crimes, 

Stumbles on Innocence sometimes. 



58 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 



The Argument of the Third 
CANTO. 



The scattered Rout return and rally. 
Surround \t\he Place ; the Knight does sally. 
And is made Prisoner : then they seize 
Th' Inchanted Fort by storm, release 
Crowdero, and put the Squire in's place. 
I should have first said, Hudibras. 



CJNTO III. 



A Y me ! what perils do environ 
xA. The Man that meddles with cold Iron ! 
What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps 
Do dog him still with after-claps ! 
For though Dame Fortune seem to smile 
And leer upon him for a while ; 
She'll after shew him, in the nick 
Of all his Glories, a Dog-trick, 
This any man may sing or say 
I' th' Ditty call'd, What if a Day : 
v* For Hudibras, who thought h' had won 
The Field as certain as a Gun, 
And having routed the whole Troop, 
With Vidtgry was Cock-a-hoop ; 

59 



HUDIBRAS 

Thinks h' had done enough to purchase 
Thanksgiving Day among the Churches^ 
Wherein his Mettle and brave Worth 
Might be explain'd by Holder-forth, 
And Register'd by Fame eternal, 
In Deathless Pages of Diurnal; 
Found in few minutes, to his Cost, 
He did but Count without his Host ; 
And that a Turn-stile is more certain. 
Than in events of War Dame Fortune. 

For nowr the late faint-hearted Rout 
O'erthrown and scatter'd round about, 
Chac'd by the horror of their fear 
From bloody fray of Knight and Bear, 
(All but the Dogs, who in pursuit 
Of the Knight's Vicftory stood to't, 
And most ignobly sought to get 
The honor of his blood and sweat) 
Seeing the Coast was free and clear 
O' th' Conquer'd and the Conquerer, 
Took heart again, and fac'd about, 
As if they meant to stand it out : 
For now the half-defeated Bear 
Attack'd by th' Enemy i' th' rear. 
Finding their number grew too great 
For him to make a safe retreat, 
Like a bold Chieftain fac'd about ; 
But wisely doubting to hold out, 
Gave way to fortune, and with haste 
Fac'd the proud foe, and fled, and fac'd, 
Retiring still, until he found 
H' had got th' advantage of the ground ; 
And then as valiantly made head, 
To check the foe, and forthwith fled ; 
Leaving no Art untry'd, nor Trick 
Of Warrior stout and Politick, 
Until in spight of hot pursuit, 
He gain'd a Pass, to hold dispute 
On better terms, and stop the course 

60 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

Of the proud foe. With all his force 

He bravely charg'd, and for a while 

Forc'd their whole Body to recoil: 

But still their numbers so increast 

He found himself at length opprest, 

And all evasions so uncertain, 

To save himself for better fortune. 

That he resolv'd, rather than yield, 

To die with honour in the field. 

And sell his Hide and Carcass at 

A price as high and desperate 

As e'er he could. This Resolution 

He forthwith put in execution, 

And bravely threw himself among 

The Enemy i'th' greatest throng. 

But what could single Valor do 

Against so numerous a foe ? 

Yet much [he] did, indeed too much 

To be believ'd. where th' odds was such : 

But one against a multitude. 

Is more than mortal can make good. 

For while one party he oppos'd, 

His Rear was suddenly enclos'd. 

And no room left him for retreat, 

Or fight against a foe so great. 

For now the Mastives charging home 

To blows and handy-gripes were come ; 

While manfully himself he bore. 

And setting his right foot before. 

He rais'd himself to shew how tall 

His person was above them all. 

This equal shame and envy stirr'd 

r th' Enemy, that one should beard 

So many Warriors and so stout, 

As he had done, and stand it out. 

Disdaining to lay down his Arms, 

And yield on honorable terms. 

Enraged thus some in the rear 

Attack'd him, and some ev'ry where, 

Till down he fell, yet falling fought. 



6i 



HUDIBRAS 

And being down still laid about ; 
As JViddrington in doleful dumps 
Is said to fight upon his stumps. 

But all, alas ! had been in vain, 

And he inevitably slain, 

If Trulla and Cerdon in the nick 

To rescue him had not been quick. 

For Trulla^ who was light of foot, 

As shafts which long-field Parthians shoot 

(But not so light as to be born 

Upon the Ears of standing Corn, 

Or [trip] it o'er the water quicker 

Than Witches when their staves they liquor, 

As some report) was got among 

The foremost of the Martial throng ; 

Where pittying the vanquish'd Bear, 

She call'd to Cerdon who stood near 

Viewing the bloudy fight, to whom 

Shall we (quoth she) stand still hum drum. 

And see stout Bruin all alone 

^y numbers basely overthrown ? 

Such feats already h' has atchiev'd, 

In story not to be believ'd : 

And 'twould to us be shame enough. 

Not to a[t]tempt to fetch him ofF. 

I would (quoth he) venture a Limb 

To second thee, and rescue him : 

But then we must about it straight, 

Or else our aid will come too late. 

Quarter he scorns, he is so stout. 

And therefore cannot long hold out. 

This said, they wav'd their weapons round 

About their heads, to clear the ground ; 

And joining forces laid about 

So fiercely, that th' amazed rout 

Turn'd tail again, and straight begun. 

As if the Devil drove, to run. 

Mean while th' aproach'd the place where Bruin 



62 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

Was now engag'd to mortal ruine : 

The conquering foe they soon assail'd ; 

First Trulla stav'd, and Cerdon tail'd, 

Until their Mastives loos'd their hold : 

And yet alas ! do what they could, 

The worsted Bear came ofF with store 

Of bloudy wounds, but all before. 

For as Achilles dipt in Pond, 

Was Anabaptized free from wound. 

Made proof against dead-doing steel 

All over but the Pagan heel, 

So did our Champion's Arms defend 

All of him but the other end, 

His Head and Ears, which in the Martial 

Encounter lost a Leathern parcel, 

For as an Austrian Archduke once 

Had one ear (which in Ducatoons 

Is half the Coyn) in Battel par'd 

Close to his head ; so Bruin far'd : 

But tugg'd and pull'd on th'other side. 

Like Scrivener newly crucify'd ; 

Or like the late-correfted Leathern 

Ears of the circumcised Brethren. 

But gentle Trulla into th' Ring 

He wore in's Nose, conveyed a string. 

With which she march'd before, and led ./ 

The Warrior to a grassie Bed, 

As Authors write, in a cool shade. 

Which Eglentine and Roses made, 

Close by a softly-murm'ring stream 

Where Lovers us'd to loll and dream. 

There leaving him to his repose. 

Secured from pursuit of foes. 

And w[a]nting nothing but a Song, 

And a well-tun'd Theorbo hung 

Upon a Bough, to ease the pain 

His tugg'd ears sufFer'd, with a strain. 

They both drew up, to march in quest 

Of his great Leader, and the rest. 



63 



HUDIBRAS 

For Orsin (who was more renown'd 

For stdiut maintaining of his ground 

In standing fights than for pursuit, 

As being not so quick of foot) 

Was not long able to keep pace 

With others that pursu'd the Chace, 

But found himself left far behind, 

Both out of heart and out of wind ; 

Griev'd to behold his Bear pursu'd 

So basely by a multitude, 

And like to fall, not by the prowess, 

But numbers of his Coward foes. 

He rag'd and kept as heavy a coyl as 

Stout Hercules for loss of Hylas, 

Forcing the Valleys to repeat 

The Accents of his sad regret. 

He beat his Breast, and tore his Hair, 

For loss of his dear Crony Bear : • 

That Eccho from the hollow ground 

His doleful wailings did resound 

More wistifully by many times. 

Than in small Poets splay-foot Rhimes, 

That make her, in their ruthful stories. 

To answer to Inter'gatories, 

And most unconscionably depose 

To things of which she nothing knows : 

And when she has said all she can say, 

'Tis wrested to the Lover's fancy. 

Quoth he, O whether, wicked Bruin, 

Art thou fled to my Eccho, ruin ? 

I thought th' hadst scorn'd to budge a step 

For fear. (Quoth Eccho) Marry guep. 

Am I not here to take thy [part?] 

Then what has quail'd thy stubborn heart ? 

Have these Bones ratled, and this Head 

So often in thy quarrel bled ? 

Nor did I ever winch or grudge it. 

For thy dear sake, (Quoth she) Mum budget. 

Think'st thou 'twill not be laid i' th' dish. 

Thou turn'dst thy back? Quoth Eccho, Pish, 



64 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

To run from those th' hadst overcome i 

Thus cowardly ? Quoth Eccho, Mum. 

But what a-vengeance makes thee fly 

From me too, as thine Enemy ? 

Or if thou hast no thought of me 

Nor what I have endur'd for thee. 

Yet shame and honor might prevail 

To keep thee thus from turning tail : 

For who would grutch to spend his bloud in 

His honors cause ? Quoth she, a Puddin. 

This said, his grief to anger turn'd. 

Which in his manly stomach burn'd ; 

Thirst of Revenge and Wrath, in place 

Of Sorrow now began to blaze. 

He vow'd the Authors of his woe 

Should equal vengeance undergo ; 

And with their Bones and Flesh pay dear 

For what he suffer'd, and his Bear. 

This b'ing resolv'd, with equal speed 

And rage he hasted to proceed 

To adlion streight, and giving o'er 

To search for Bruin any more. 

He went in quest of Hudibras, 

To find him out, where e'er he was : 

And if he were above ground, vow'd 

He'd ferret him, lurk where he wou'd. 

But scarce had he a furlong on 

This resolute adventure gone. 

When he encounter'd with that Crew 

Whom Hudibras did late subdue. 

Honor, Revenge, Contempt, and Shame, 

Did equally their breasts enflame. 

'Mong these the fierce Magnano was, 

And Talgol foe to Hudibras ; 

Cerdon and Colon, Warriors stout 

And resolute as ever fought : 

Whom furious Orsin thus bespoke. 

Shall we (quoth he) thus basely brook 
The vile affront that paultry Ass 



65 



HUDIBRAS 

And feeble Scoundrel Hudibras, 
With that more paultry Ragamuffin 
Ralpho, with vapouring and huffing, 
Have put upon us like tame Cattel, 
As if th' had routed us in battel ? 
For my part, it shall ne'er be sed, 
I for the w^ashing gave my Head : 
Nor did I turn my back for fear 
Of them, but loosing of my Bear, 
Which novir I 'm like to undergo ; 
For whether these fell wounds, or no. 
He has receiv'd in fight are mortal, 
Is more than all my skill can foretel. 
Nor do I know what is become 
Of him, more than the Pope of Rome. 
But if I can but find them out 
That cau'sd it, (as I shall no doubt. 
Where e'er th' in hugger-mugger lurk) 
I'll make them rue their handy-work ; 
And wish that they had rather dar'd 
To pull the Devil by the Beard. 

Quoth Cerdon, noble Orsin th' hast 

Great reason to do as thou say'st. 

And so has every body here 

As well as thou hast, or thy Bear. 

Others may do as they see good ; 

But if this Twig be made of Wood 

That will hold tack, I'll make the Fur 

Fly 'bout the Ears of that old Cur, 

And th' other mungrel Vermin, Ralph, 

That brav'd us all in his behalf. 

Thy Bea;r is safe and out of peril. 

Though lugg'd indeed, and wounded very ill. 

My self and Trulla made a shift 

To help him out at a dead lift ; 

And having brought him bravely off, 

Have left him where he's safe enough. 

There let him rest ; for if we stay. 

The Slaves may hap to get away. 



66 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

This said, they all engag'd to join 

Their forces in the same design : 

And forthwith put themselves in search 

Of Hudibras upon their march. 

Where leave we them a while, to tell 

What the Viftorious Knight befel : 

For such, Crowdero being fast 

In Dungeon shut, we left him last. 

Triumphant Laurels seem'd to grow 

No where so green as on his brow : 

Laden with which, as well as tir'd 

With conquering toil, he now retir'd 

Unto a neighb'ring Castle by. 

To rest his Body, and apply 

Fit Med'cines to each glorious bruise 

He got in fight Keds, Blacks, and Blews ; 

To mollifie the uneasie pang 

Of ev'ry honorable bang. 

Which b'ing by skilful Midwife drest. 

He laid him down to take his rest. 

But all in vain. H' had got a hurt 

O' th' inside of a deadlier sort. 

By Cupid made, who took his stand 

Upon^a Widows Jointure-Land, 

(For he, in all his amorous battels 

No 'dvantage finds like Goods and Chattels) 

Drew home his Bow, and aiming right, 

Let fly an Arrow at the Knight. 

The shaft against a Rib did glance. 

And gall him in the Purtenance. 

But time had somewhat swag'd his pain. 

After he found his suit in vain. 

For that proud Dame for whom his soul 

Was burnt in's belly like a coal, 

(That belly that so oft did ake 

And suffer griping for her sake 

Till purging Comfits and Ants Eggs 

Had almost brought him off his Legs) 

Us'd him so like a base Rascallion, 

E 2 67 



HUDIBRAS 

That old Pyg- (what d'y' call him) malion. 

That cut his Mistress out of stone, 

Had not so hard-a-hearted-one. 

She had a thousand jadish tricks, 

Worse than a Mule that flings and kicks : 

'Mong which one cross-grain'd freak she had, 

As insolent as strange and mad : 

She could love none but onely such 

As scorn'd and hated her as much. 

'Twas a strange Riddle of a Lady; 

Not love, if any lov'd her, ha day ! 

So Cowards never use their might, 

But against such as will not fight. 

So some diseases have been found 

Onely to seize upon the sound. 

He that gets her by heart must say her 

The back-way, like a Witches Prayer. 

Mean while the Knight had no small task. 

To compass what he durst not ask. 

He loves, but dares not make the motion ; 

Her ignorance is his devotion. 

Like Caitiff vile, that for misdeed, 

Rides with his face to rump of Steed, 

Or rowing Scull, he's fain to love, 

Look one way, and another move ; 

Or like a tumbler that does play 

His game, and look another way : 

Until he seize upon the Cony : 

Just so does he by Matrimony, 

But all in vain : her subtle snout 

Did quickly wind his meaning out ; 

Which she return'd with too much scorn. 

To be by man of honor born. 

Yet much he bore, till the distress 

He suffer'd frorn his spightful Mistress 

Did stir his stomach, and the Pain 

He had endur'd from her disdain 

Turn'd to regret, so resolute. 

That he resolv'd to wave his suit, 

And either to renounce her quite, 



68 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

Or for a while play least in sight, 
This resolution b'ing put on. 
He kept some months, and more had done ; 
But being brought so nigh by Fate, 
The Vicftory h' atchiev'd so late 
Did set his thoughts agog, and ope 
A door to discontinu'd hope, 
;That seem'd to promise he might win 
His Dame too now his hand was in ; 
And that his valor and the honor 
H' had newly gain'd might work upon her : 
These reasons made his mouth to water 
With amorous longings to be at her. 

Thought he unto himself. Who knows 
But this brave Conquest o'er my foes, 
May reach her heart, and make that stoop, 
As I but now have forc'd the Troop ? 
If nothing can oppugne love, 
And virtue envious ways can prove, 
What may not he confide to do 
That brings both love and virtue too ? 
But thou bring'st valor too and wit. 
Two things that seldom fail to hit. 
Valor's a Mouse-trap, Wit a Gin, 
Which Women oft are taken in. 
Then, Hudibras, why should'st thou fear 
To be, that art, a Conquerer ? 
Fortune th' audacious doth juvare, 
But lets the timidous miscarry. 
Then while the honour thou hast got 
Is spick and span-new, piping hot. 
Strike her up bravely thou had'st best. 
And trust thy fortune with the rest. 

Such thoughts as these the Knight did keep. 
More than his bangs or fleas, from sleep. 
And as an Owl that in a Barn 
Sees a Mouse creeping in the Corn, 
Sits still, and shuts his round blew eyes 

69 



HUDIBRAS 

As if he slept, until he spies 

The little beast within his reach, 

Then starts, and seizes on the wretch : 

So from his Couch the Knight did start, 

To seize upon the Widow's heart ; 

Crying with hasty tone and hoarse, 

Ralpho, dispatch, to horse, to horse, 

And 'twas but time, for now the Rout 

We left engag'd to seek him out, 

By speedy marches were advanc'd 

IJp to the Fort where he ensconc'd. 

And had all th' avenues possest 

About the place, from East to West. 

That done, a while they made a halt. 

To view the Ground, and where t' assault : 

Then call'd a Councel, which was best. 

By siege or onslaught, to invest 

The enemy : and 'twas agreed. 

By storm and onslaught to proceed. 

This b'ing resolv'd, in comely sort, 

They now drew up t' attack the Fort. 

When Hudihras about to enter 

Upon another gate's adventure ; 

To Ralpho call'd aloud to arm. 

Not dreaming of approaching storm. 

Whether Dame Fortune, or the care 

Of Angel bad, or Tutelare, 

Did arm or thrust him on a danger, 

To which he was an utter stranger : 

That foresight might, or might not blot 

The glory he had newly got ; 

Or to his shame it might be sed, 

They took him napping in his bed : 

To them we leave it to expound. 

That deal in Sciences profound. 

His Courser scarce he had bestrid, 

And Ralpho that on which he rid, 

When setting ope the Postern Gate, 

To take the Field and sally at. 

The Foe appear'd, drawn up and drill'd. 



70 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

Ready to charge them in the field. 

This somewhat startl'd the bold Knight^ 

Surpriz'd with th' unexpefted sight 

The bruises of his Bones and Flesh, 

He thought began to smart afresh : 

Till recollecSing wonted Courage, 

His fear was soon converted to rage. 

And thus he spoke : The Coward Foe, 

Whom we but now gave quarter to, 

Look, yonder's rally'd, and appears, 

As if they had out-run their fears. 

The Glory we did lately get. 

The Fates command us to repeat, 

And to their wills we must succumb, 

^ocunque trahunt, 'tis our doom. 

This is the same numerick Crew 

Which we so lately did subdue, 

The self-same individuals that 

Did run, as Mice do from a Cat, 

When we courageously did wield 

Our Martial weapons in the field, 

To tug for Vidlory : and when 

We shall our shining blades agen 

Brandish in terror o'er our heads, 

They'll straight resume their wonted dreads. 

Fear is an Ague, that forsakes 

And haunts by fits those whom it takes. 

And they'll opine they feel the pain 

And blows, they felt to day, again. 

Then let us boldly charge them home. 

And make no doubt to overcome. 

This said, his Courage to enflame, 
He call'd upon his Mistriss name. 
His Pistol next he cockt anew, 
' And out his nut-brown Whiniard drew. / 
And placing Ralpho- in the fi;ont, 
Reserv'd himself to bear the ^runt | 
As expert Warriors use:"" then ply'd 
With Iron heel his Courser's side. 



71 



HUDIBRAS 

Conveying Sympathetick speed 

From heel of Knight to heel of Steed. 

Mean while the foe with equal rage 
And speed advancing to engage, 
Both parties now were drawn so close, 
Almost to come to handiblows. 
When Orsin first let fly a stone 
At Ralpho ; not so huge a one 
As that which Diomed did maul 



ine^ on the Bu m with al 
retbig enougi57Tl' rightly hurl'd, 
T' have sent him to another world ; 
Whether above-ground, or below, 
Wiuch^Saints_Jud£e_di^t_^3ire__^e^i^^ 
The danger startled the bold Squire, 
And made him some few steps retire. 
But Hudibras advanc'd to's aid, 
And rouz'd his Spirits half dismay'd. 
He, wisely doubting lest the shot 
Of th' Enemy now growing hot, 
Might at a distance gall, prest close. 
To come, pell-mell, to handiblows : 
And that he might their aim decline, 
Advanc'd still in an oblique line ; 
But prudently forbore to fire, 
Till breast to breast he had got nigher : 
As expert Warriors use to do. 
When hand to hand they charge the foe. 
This order the advent'rous Knight 
Most Soldier-like observ'd in fight : 
When_Fortune (as she's wont) turn'd fickle. 
And for the Toe began to stickle., 
The more shame for her Goody-ship, 
To give so near a friend the slip. 
For Colon chusing out a stone, 
Levell'd so right, it thumpt upon 
His manly panch with such a force, 
As almost beat him ofF his Horse. 
He loos'd his weapon, and the Rein ; 



72 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

But laying fast hold on the Mane 

Preserv'd his seat : Aod as a Goose 

In death contradls his Talons loose-; 

So did the Knight, and with one Claw 

The tricker of his Tistol draw. 

The Gun went off: and as it was 

Still fatal to stout Hudibras, 

In all his feats of Arms, when least 

He dreamt of it to prosper best ; 

So now he far'd, the shot let fly 

At randome 'mong the Enemy, 

Pierc'd TalgoPs Gabberdine, and grazing 

Upon his Shoulder, in the passing 

Lodg'd in Magnano's brass Habergeon, 

Who straight a Surgeon cry'd, a Surgeon. 

He tumbled down, and as he fell. 

Did Murther, murther, murther yell. 

This startled their whole Body so, 

That if the Knight had not let go 

His Arms, but been in warlike plight, 

H' had won (the second time the fight.) 

As if the Squire had but fal'n on, 

He had inevitably done : 

But he diverted with the care 

Of Hudihras his wound forbare 

To press th' advantage of his fortune, 

While danger did the rest dishearten. 

He had with Cerdon been engag'd 

In close encounter, which both wag'd 

So desp'rately, 'twas hard to say 

Which side was like to get the day. 

And now the busie work of death 

Had tir'd them so, th' agreed to breath, 

Preparing to renew the fight ; 

When th' heard the disaster of the Knight 

And th' other party did divert 

And force their sullen Rage to part 

Ralpho prest up to Hudihras, 

And Cerdon where Magnano was ; 

Each striving to confirm his party 

73 



HUDIBRAS 

With stout encouragements and hearty. 

Quoth Ralpho^ Courage, valiant Sir, 

And let Revenge and Honour stir 

Your spirits up, once more fall on, 

The shatter'd Foe begins to run : 

For if but half so well you knew 

To use your Viftory as subdue. 

They durst not, after such a blow 

As you have giv'n them, face us now ; 

But from so formidable a Soldier 

Had fled like Crows when they smell Powder. 

Thrice have they seen your Sword aloft 

Wav'd o'er their heads, and fled as oft : 

But if you let them recolleft 

Their spirits, now dismay'd and checkt. 

You'll have a harder game to play. 

Than yet y' have had to get the day. 

Thus spoke the stout Squire ; but was heard 

By Hudibras with small regard. 

His thoughts were fuller of the bang 

He lately took, than Ralph's harangue ; 

To which he answer'd. Cruel fate 

Tells me thy Counsel comes too late. 

The knotted blood within my hose. 

That from my wounded body floWs, 

With mortal Crisis doth portend 

My days to appropinque an end. 

I am for action now unfit. 

Either of Fortitude or Wit. 

Fortune my foe begins to frown, 

Resolv'd to pull my stomach down. 

I am not apt upon a wound. 

Or trivial basting, to despond : 

Yet I'd be loath my days to curtal. 

For if I thought my wounds not mortal. 

Or that we'd time enpugh as yet 

To make an honourable retreat, 

'Twere the best course : but [if] they find 

We fly, and leave our Arms behind, 



74 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

For them to seize on, the dishonor 
And danger too is such, I'll sooner 
Stand to it boldly, and take quarter. 
To let them see I am no starter. 
In all the trade of War, no feat 
Is nobler than a brave retreat. 
For those that run away, and fly. 
Take Place at least of th' enemy. 

This said, the Squire with aftive speed, 
Dismounted from his bony Steed, 
To seize the Arms which by mischance 
Fell from the bold Knight in a trance. 
These being found out, and restor'd 
To Hudibras, their nat'ral Lord, 
The a£live Squire with might and main 
Prepar'd in haste to mount again. 
Thrice he assay'd to mount aloft. 
But by his weighty Bum as oft 
He was pull'd back : till having found 
Th' advantage of the rising ground. 
Thither he led his warlike Steed, 
And having plac'd him right, with speed 
Prepar'd again to scale the Beast. 
When Orsin, who had newly drest 
The bloudy scar upon the shoulder 
Of Talgol with Promethean Powder, 
And now was searching for the shot 
That laid Magnano on the spot. 
Beheld the sturdy Squire aforesaid 
Preparing to climb up his Horse side. 
He left his Cure, and laying hold 
Upon his Arms with Courage bold 
Cry'd out, 'Tis now no time to dally, 
The Enemy begins to rally : 
Let us that are unhurt and whole 
Fall on, and happy man he's dole. 

This said, like to a Thunderbolt 
He flew with fury to th' assault, 



75 



HUDIBRAS 

Striving the Enemy to attack 
Before he reacht his Horse's back. 
Ralpho was mounted now, and gotten 
O'erthwart his Beast with adlive vau'ting. 
Wrigling his body to recover 
His seat, and cast his right Leg over ; 
When Or sin rushing in, bestow'd 
On Horse and Man so heavy a load, 
The Beast was startled, and begun 
To kick and fling like mad, and run ; 
Bearing the tough Squire like a Sack, 
Or stout King Richard on his back : 
Till stumbling, he threw him down. 
Sore bruis'd and cast into a swoun. 
Mean while the Knight began to rowse 
The sparkles of his wonted prowess ; 
He thrust his Hand into his Hose, 
And found bothj^ hisEyesa nd Nose , 
'Twas_wilYCKoK^^]anJ^^^S~Bloudj 

ThaF^^^om_]KT£_^Qun3erBoHy2^^ • 
Thls^witK the hazard oi ins Squire, 
Inflam'd him with despightful Ire ; 
Courageously he fac'd about. 
And drew his other Pistol out. 
And now had half-way bent the Cock, 
When Cerdon gave so fierce a shock. 
With sturdy truncheon thwart his Arm 
That down it fell, and did no harm ; 
Then stoutly pressing on with speed, 
Assay'd to pull him off his Steed. 
The Knight his Sword had onely left. 
With which he Cerdon's Head had cleft, 
Or at the least cropt oiF a Limb, 
But Orsin came and rescu'd him. 
He with his Lance attac'd the Knight 
Upon his quarters opposite. 
But as a Bark that in foul weather, 
Toss'd by two adverse winds together, 
Is bruis'd and beaten too and fro. 
And knows not which to turn him to : 



76 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

So far'd the Knight between two foes, 

And knew not which of them t' oppose. 

Till Orsin charging with his Lance 

At Hudibras, by spightful chance 

Hit Cerdon such a bang, as stunn'd 

And laid him flat upon the ground. 

At this the Knight began to chear up. 

And raising up himself on stirrup, 

Cry'd out ViEtoria ; lie thou there. 

And I shall straight dispatch another. 

To bear thee company in death : 

But first I'll halt awhile and breath. 

As well he might : for Onin griev'd 

At th' wound that Cerdon had receiv'd 

Ran to relieve him with his lore 

And cure the hurt he made before. 

Mean while the Knight had wheel'd about. 

To breathe himself, and next find out 

Th' advantage of the ground, where best 

He might the ruffled foe infest. 

This b'ing resolv'd, he spurr'd his Steed ; 

To run at Orsin with full speed, 

While he was busie in the care 

Of Cerdon's wound, and unaware : 

But he was quick, and had already 

Unto the part apply'd remedy ; 

And seeing th' enemy prepar'd. 

Drew up, and stood upon his guard. 

Then like a Warrior right expert 

And skilful in the martial Art, 

The subtle Knight straight made a halt. 

And judg'd it best to stay th' assault, 

Until he had reliev'd the Squire, 

And then (in order) to retire; 

Or, as occasion should invite, 

With Forces join'd renew the fight. 

Ralpho by this time disentranc'd, 

Upon his Bum himself advanc'd. 

Though sorely bruis'd ; his Limbs all o're 

With ruthless bangs were stiiF and sore. 

77 



HUDIBRAS 

Right fain he would have got upon 
His feet again, to get him gone ; 
When Hudibras to aid him came. 

Quoth he, (and call'd him by his name) 

Courage, the day at length is ours. 

And we once more as Conquerors, 

Have both the Field and Honor won, 

The Foe is profligate and run ; 

I mean all such as can, for some 

This hand hath sent to their long home ; 

And some lie sprauling on the ground. 

With many a gash and bloody wound. 

Cissar himself could never say 

He got two Victories in a day ; 

As I have done, that can say. Twice I 

In one day, Feni, vidi, vici, 

The foe's so numerous, that we 

Cannot so often vincere 

As they perire, and yet enough 

Be left to strike an after-blow. 

Then lest they rally, and once more 

Put us to fight the bus'ness o'er. 

Get up, and mount thy Steed, dispatch. 

And let us both their motions watch. 

Quoth Ralph, I should not, if I were 
In case for adlion, now be here ; 
Nor have I turn'd my back, or hang'd 
An Arse, for fear of being bang'd : 
It was for you I got these harms, 
Advent'ring to fetch ofF your Arms. 
The blows and drubs I have receiv'd. 
Have bruis'd my body, and bereav'd 
My Limbs of strength : unless you stoop, 
And reach your hand to pull me up, 
I shall lie here, and be a prey 
To those who now are run away. 

That shalt thou not (quoth Hudibras) 
We read, the Ancients held it was 



78 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

More honorable far Servare 

Civem, than slay an adversary. 

The one yve oft to day have done ; 

The other shall dispatch anon. 

And though th' art of a different Church, 

I will not leave thee in^ thel lurch. 

This" said, He jogg'd his good Steed nigher. 

And steer'd him gently toward the Squire. 

Then bowing down his Body, stretcht 

His Hand out, and at Ralpho reacht ; 

When Trulla, whom he did not mind, 

Charg'd him like Lightening behind. 

She had been long in search about 

Magnanoh wound, to find it out : 

But could find none, nor where the shot 

That had so startl'd him was got. 

But having found the worst was past. 

She fell to her own work at last 

The pillage of the Prisoners, 

Which all in feat of Arms was hers : 

And now to plunder Ralph she flew, 

When Hudibras his hard fate drew 

To succor him ; for as he bow'd 

To help him up, she laid a load 

Of blows so heavy, and plac'd so well. 

On th' other side, that down he fell. 

Yield Scoundrel base, (quoth she) or dye ; 

Thy Life is mine and Liberty. 

But if thou think'st I took thee tardy. 

And dar'st presume to be so hardy, 

To try thy fortune o'er afresh, 

I'll wave my Title to thy flesh. 

Thy Arms and Baggage, now my right : 

And if thou hast the heart to try't, 

I'll lend [thee] back thy self awhile. 

And once more for that carcass vile 

Fight upon tick Quoth Hudibras, 

Thou oiFer'st nobly, valiant Lass, 
And I shall take thee at thy word. 



79 



HUDIBRAS 

First let me rise, and take my sword ; 
That sword which has so oft this day 
Through Squadrons of my foes made way. 
And some to other worlds dispatcht, 
Now wit h a feeble Spinster niatcht, 
"Wifl blush with bloud ignoble stain'd, 
By which no honor's to be gain'd. 
But if thou'lt take m' advice in this. 
Consider while thou may'st, what 'tis 
To interrupt a Viftor's course, 
B' opposing such a trivial force. 
For if with Conquest I come off, 
(And that I shall do sure enough) 
Quarter thou canst not have, nor grace, 
By Law of Arms in such a case ; 
Both which I now do oiFer freely. 

I scorn (quoth she) thou Coxcomb silly, 

(Clapping her hand upon her breech. 

To shew how much [s]he priz'd his speech) 

Quarter or Counsel from a foe : 

If thou canst force me to it, do. 

But lest it should again be sed. 

When I have once more won thy head, 

I took thee napping unprepar'd. 

Arm and betake thee to thy Guard. 

This said, she to her Tackle fell, 

And on the Knight let fall a peal 

Of blows so fierce, and prest so home. 

That he retir'd and follow'd's Bum. 

Stand to't (quoth she) or yield to mercy 

It is not fighting Arsie-versie 

Shall serve thy turn — This stirr'd his spleen 

More than the danger he was in, 

The blows he felt, or was to feel, 

Although the' already made him reel. 

Honor, despight, revenge, and shame. 

At once unto his stomach came ; 

Which fir'd it so, he rais'd his Arm 



80 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

Above his Head, and rain'd a storm 

Of blows so terrible and thick. 

As if he meant to hash her quick. 

But she upon her truncheon took 'em ; 

And by oblique diversion broke 'em ; 

Waiting an opportunity 

To pay all back with usury. 

Which long she fail'd not of, for now 

The Knight with one dead-doing blow 

Resolving to decide the fight, 

And she with quick and cunning slight 

Avoiding it, the force and weight 

He charg'd upon it was so great, 

As almost sway'd him to the ground. 

No sooner she th' advantage found. 

But in she flew, and seconding 

With home-made thrust the heavy swing, 

She laid him flat upon his side, 

And mounting on his Trunk a-stride, 

Quoth she, I told thee what would come 

Of all thy vapouring base Scum. 

Say, will the Law of Arms allow 

I may have Grace, and Quarter now ? 

Or wilt thou rather break thy word, 

And stain thine Honor, than thy Sword. 

A Man of War to damn his Soul, 

In basely breaking his Parole. 

And when before the Fight, th' hadst vow'd 

To give no quarter in cold blood : 

Now thou hast got me for a Tartar^ 

To make m' against my will take quarter ? 

Why dost not put me to the sword, 

But cowardly fly from thy word ? 

Quoth Hudibras, the days thine own ; 

Thou and thy stars have cast me down : 

My Laurels are transplanted now. 

And flourish on thy conqu'ring brow : 

My loss of Honor's great enough. 

Thou need'st not brand it with a scoiFi 

Sarcasmes may eclipse thine own, 

F 8i 



HUDIBRAS 

But cannot blur my lost renown : 
I am not now in Fortune's power. 
He that is down can fall no lower. 
The ancient Hero's were illustrious 
For b'ing benigne, and not blustrous, 
Against a vanquish'd foe : their swords 
Were sharp and trencheant, not their words ; 
And did in fight but cut work out 
T' employ their courtesies about. 

Quoth she, although thou hast deserv'd. 

Base Slubberdegullion, to be serv'd 

As thou did'st vow to deal with me. 

If thou had'st got the Viftory ; 

Yet I shall rather aft a part 

That suits my Fame, than thy desert. 

Thy Arms, thy Liberty, beside 

All that's o' th' out-side of thy Hide, 

Are mine by Military Law, 

Of which I will not bate one straw : 

The rest, thy Life and Limbs, once more. 

Though doubly forfeit, I restore. 

Quoth Hudibras, it is too late 

For me to treat, or stipulate ; 

What thou Command'st I must obey : 

Yet those whom I expugn'd to day, 

Of thine own party, I let go. 

And gave them life and freedom too, 

Both Dogs and Bears, upon their parol. 

Whom I took pris'ners in this quarrel. 

Quoth Trulla, Wh[e]ther thou or they 
Let one another run away. 
Concerns not me ; but was't not thou 
That gave Crowdero quarter too ? 
Cfowd^re-, whom in Irons bound. 
Thou basely threw'st into Lob's pound; 
Where still he lies, and wifh regret 
His generous Bowels rage and fret. 



82 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

But now thy Carcass shall redeem, 
And serve to be exchange for him. 

This said, the Knight did straight submit. 
And laid his weapons at her feet. 
Next he disrob'd his Gaberdine, 
And with it did himself resigne. 
She took it, and forthwith devesting 
The Mantle that she wore, said jesting. 
Take that, and wear it for my sake ; 
Then threw it o'er his sturdy back. 
And as the French we conquer'd once 
Now give us Laws for Pantaloons, 
The length of Breeches, and the gathers 
Port-cannons, Perriwigs, and Feathers ; 
Just so the proud insulting Lass 
Array'd and dighted Hudibras. 

Mean while the other Champions, [yjerst 

In hurry of the fight disperst, 

Arriv'd when Trulla 'd won the day, 

To share in th' Honor and the Prey, 

And out of Hudibras his Hide 

With vengeance to be satisfi'd ; 

Which now they were about to pour 

Upon him in a wooden showr. 

But Trulla thrust her self between. 

And striding o'er his back agen. 

She brandisht o'er her head his sword, 

And vow'd they should not break her word ; 

Sh' had given him quarter, and her blood 

Or theirs, should make their quarter good. 

For she was bound by Law of Arms 

To see him safe from further harms. 

In Dungeon deep Crowdero cast 

By Hudibras as yet lay fast. 

Where to the hard and ruthless stones 

His great Heart made perpetual mones. 

Him she resolv'd that Hudibras 

Should ransome, and supply his place. 

F2 83 



HUDIBRAS 



This stopt the fury and the basting 

Which toward Hudibras was hasting. 

They thought it was but just and right, 

That what she had atchiev'd in fight, 

She should dispose of how she pleas'd : 

Crowdero ought to be releas'd ; , 

Nor could that any way be done 

So well as this she pitcht upon : 

For who a better could imagine ? 

This therefore they resolv'd t' engage in. 

The Knight and Squire first they made 

Rise from the ground ''where they were laid ; 

Then mounted both upon their Horses, 

But with their Faces to the Arses. 

Orsin led Hudibras's beast. 

And Talgol that which Ralpho prest. 

Whom stout Magnano, valiant Cerdon, 

And Colon waited as a guard on, 

All ush'ring Trulla, in the reer 

With th' Arms of either prisoner. 

In this proud order and array 

They put themselves upon their way. 

Striving to reach th' inchanted Castle, 

Where stout Crowdero in durance lay still. 

Thither with greater speed, than shows 

And triumphs over conquer'd foes 

Do use t' allow, or then the Bears 

Or Pageants born before Lord Mayors 

Are wont to use, they soon arriv'd 

In order Soldier-like contriv'd. 

Still marching in a warlike posture, 

As fit for Battel as for Muster. 

The Knight and Squire they first unhorse, 

And bending 'gainst their Fort their force. 

They all advanc'd, and round about 

Begirt the Magical Redoubt, 

MagnarC led up in this adventure. 

And made way for the rest to enter. 

For he was skilful in Black Art 



84 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

No less than he that left the Fortj 

And with an Iron Mace laid flat 

A breach, which straight all enter'd at. 

And in the wooden Dungeon found 

Crewdero laid upon the ground. 

Him they release from durance base, 

Restor'd t' his Fiddle and his Case, 

And liberty, his thirsty rage 

With lushious vengeance to asswage. 

For he no sooner was at large, 

But Trulla straight brought on her charge, 

And in the self-same Limbo put 

The Knight 2M.i Squire where he was shut. 

Where leaving them i' th' wretched hole. 

Their bangs and durance to condole 

Confin'd and conjur'd into narrow 

Enchanted Mansion, to know sorrow ; 

In the same order and array 

Which they advanc'd, they marcht away. 

But Hudibras, who scorn'd to stoop 

To Fortune, or be said to droop, 

Chear'd up himself with ends of Verse, 

And sayings of Philosophers. 

Quoth he, Th' one half of Man, his Mind 

Is Sui juris unconfin'd. 

And cannot be laid by the heels, 

What e'er the other moiety feels. 

'Tis not Restraint or Liberty 

That makes Men prisoners or free ; 

But perturbations that possess 

The Mind or Equanimities. 

The whole world was not half so wide 

To Alexander when he cry'd. 

Because h' had but one to subdue, 

As was a paultry narrow tub to 

Diogenes, who is not said 

(For ought that ever I could read) 

To whine, put finger i' th' eye, and sob 

Because h' had ne'er another Tub. 

85 



HUDIBRAS 

The ancient[s] make two several kinds 

Of Prowess in heroick minds, 

The AStive and the Passive valiant ; 

Both which are pari libra gallant : 

For both to give blows and to carry. 

In fights are equenecessary ; 

But in defeats, the Passive stout 

Are always found to stand it out 

Most desp'rately, and to out-doe 

The Aftive, 'gainst a conquering foe. 

Though we with blacks and blews are suggil'd. 

Or, as the vulgar say are cudgeVd: 

He that is valiant, and dares fight, 

Though drubb'd, can lose no honor by't. 

Honour's a lease for lives to come. 

And cannot be extended from 

The legal Tenant : 'tis a Chattel, 

Not to be forfeited in Battel. 

If he that in the field is slain, 

Be in the Bed of Honor lain : 

He that is beaten may be sed 

To lie in Honor's Truckle-bed. 

For as we see th' eclipsed Sun 

By mortals is more gaz'd upon. 

Than when adorn'd with all his light 

He shines in Serene Sky most bright : 

So Valor in a low estate 

Is most admir'd and wonder'd at. 

Quoth Ralph, How great I do not know 

We may by being beaten grow ; 

But none that see how here we sit 

Will judge us overgrown with Wit. 

As gifted Brethren preaching by 

A Carnal Hour-glass, do imply 

Illumination can convey 

Into them what they have to say. 

But not how much ; so well enough 

Know you to charge, but not to draw ofi^. 

For who without a Cap and Bauble, 



86 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

Having subdu'd a Bear and Rabble, 
And might with Honor have come off, 
Would put it to a second proof: 
A politick exploit, right fit 
For Presbyterian Zeal and lVit._ 

Quoth Hudibras, That Cuckolds tone, 

Ralphs, thou always harp'st upon : 

When tho[u] at any thing would'st rail. 

Thou mak'st Presbytery thy scale 

To take the height on't, and .explain 

To what degree it is prophane, 

Whats'ever will not with thy {what d' ye call) 

Thy light yump right thou call'st Synodical. 

As if Presbytery were a standard 

To size whats'ever's to be slander'd. 

Dost not remember how this day 

Thou to my Beard wast bold to say. 

That thou could'st prove Bear-baiting equal 

With Synods, Orthodox and legal ? 

Do if thou can'st, for I deny't. 

And dare thee to't with all thy light : 

Quoth Ralpho, Truely that is no 
Hard matter for a man to do, 
That has but any Guts in's Brains, 
And could believe it worth his pains. 
But since you dare and urge me to it, 
You'l find I've light enough to do it. 

Sy«o^sare_jnystical Bear-garderis^, 

Where Elders, DeputilJ^^Chilfch-wardens, 

And other Members of the Court, 

Manage the Babylonish sport. 

For Prolocutor, Scribe, and Bearward, 

Do differ onely in a mere word. 

Both are but several Synagogues 

Of carnal Men, and Bears and Dogs : 

Both Antichristian Assemblies, 

To mischief bent as far's in them lies 

Both stave and tail, with fierce contests. 



87 



HUDIBRAS 

The one with Men, the other Beasts. 

The difF'rence is, The one fights with 

The Tongue, the other with the Teeth ; 

And that they bait but Bears in this, 

In th' other Souls and Consciences ; 

Where Saints themselves are brought to stake 

For Gospel light, and Conscience sake ; 

Expos'd to Scribes and Presbyters, 

Instead of Mastive Dogs and Curs ; 

Then whom th' have less humanity, 

For these at Souls of Men will fly. 

This to the Prophet did appear, 

Who in a Vision saw a Bear, 

Prefiguring the beastly rage 

Of Church-rule in this latter Age : 

As is demonstrated at full 

By him that baited the Popes Bull. 

Bears naturally are Beasts of prey. 

That live by Rapine, so do they ; 

What are their Orders, Constitutions, 

Church Censures, Curses, Absolutions, 

But sev'ral mystick chains they make, 

To tye poor Christians to the stake ? 

And then set Heathen Officers, 

Instead of Dogs, about their Ears. 

For to prohibit and dispence. 

To find out, or to make offence : 

Of Hell and Heaven to dispose ; 

To play with Souls at fast and lose ; 

To set what Charadlers they please. 

And mulfts of sin or Godliness ; 

Reduce the Church to Gospel-Order, 

By Rapine, Sacriledge, and Murder ; 

To make Presbytery supreme, 

And Kings themselves submit to them ; 

And force all people, though against 

'Their Consciences, to turn Saints, 

Must prove a pretty thriving Trade, 

When Saints Monopolists are made. 

When pious frauds and holy shifts 



88 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

Are dispensations and gifts., 

There Godliness becomes mere ware, 

And ev'ry Synod but a Fair. 

Synods are whelps of th' Inquisition, W' 

A-THOngrel breed of like pernicion. 

And growing up became the Sires 

Of Scribes, Commissioners, and Triers ; 

Whose bus'ness is, by cunning slight 

To cast a figure for mens Light ; 

To find in lines of Beard and Face, 

The Phisiognomy of Grace ; 

And by the sound and twang of Nose, 

If all be sound within disclose. 

Free from a crack or flaw of sinning, 

As Men try Pipkins by the ringing. 

By Black Caps underlaid with White, 

Give certain guess at inward Light ; 

Which Serjeants at the Gospel wear, 

To make the Spiritual Calling clear. 

The Hand\k'\er chief about the neck 

(Canonical Crabat of Smeck, 

From whom the Institution came 

When Church and State they set on flame. 

And worn by them as badges then 

Of Spiritual Warfaring Men) 

Judge rightly if Regeneration 

Be of the newest Cut in fashion. 

Sure 'tis an Orthodox opinion 

That Grace is founded in Dominion. 

Great Ptety consists in Pride ; 

"To rule is to be sanSlifd : 

To domineer and to controul 

Botho'er the Body_and the Soul, 

Is the most perfeft discipline 

Of Church-rule, and by right divine. 

Bell and the Dragons Chaplains were 

More moderate than these by far i 

For they (poor Knaves) were glad to cheat, 

To get their Wives and Children Meat : 

89 



HUDIBRAS 

But these will not be fobb'd ofF so, 

They must hav e. We^ lt.h ^"_4 ^gH^I ^"°' 

Or else with bloodand desolation, 

The^Trj^"'*^ out o' llTTTeart o^'^th^_Nation, 

Sure til Se~lEeins3ves~FronrT'rimitive 

And Heathen Priesthood do derive, 

When Butchers were the only Clerks, 

Elders and Presbyters of Kirks, 

Whose Directory was to Kill; 

And some believe it is so still. 

The onely difF'rence is, that then 

They slaughter'd only Beasts, now Men. 

For then to sacrifice a Bullock, 

Or now and then a Child to Moloch, 

They count a vile Abomination, 

But not to slaughter a whole Nation. 

Presbytery ^dee&- but translate 

'iTie" Papacjr"toa~F rgf_ Stat e, 

A^JI^mmonwealt6 ofTopery^ 

Whea. e v'ry yiWage ^^^ J^' 

AswelT^s Aome, anTmust maintain 

A Tithe Pig Metropolitane : 

Where ev'ry Presbyter and Deacon 

Commands the Keys for Cheese and Bacon ; 

And ev'ry Hamlet's governed 

By's Holiness, the Church's Head, 

More haughty and severe in's place 

Than Gregory and Boniface. 

Such Church must (surely) be a Monster 

With many heads : for if we conster 

What in th' Apocalypse we find. 

According to th' Apostles mind, 

'Tis that the Whore of Babylon 

With many heads did ride upon ; 

Which Heads denote the sinful Tribe 

Of Deacon, Priest, Lay-Elder, Scribe, 

Lay-Elder, Simeon to Levi, 

Whose little finger is as heavy 

As loins of Patriarchs, Prince-Prelate, 



90 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

Archbishop-secular. This Zelot 

Is of a mungrel, divers kind, 

Clerick before, and Lay behind ; 

A Lawless Linsy-woolsy Brother, 

Half of one Order, half another ; 

A Creature of amphibious nature. 

On Land a Beast, a Fish in Water, 

That always preys on Grace, or Sin ; 

A Sheep without, a Wolf within, 

Thij fierce Inquisitor has chief^' 

Dominion over Mens Belief 

And Manners : Can pronounce a Saint 

Idolatrous, or ignorant. 

When superciliously^ he_si|i:s, 

Tlvrouglr~c6ureeit~Boult«:^_others gifts. 

For^airTPTennve and judge arniss~ 

Whose Talents jump not just with his. 

He'll lay on Gifts with hands, and place 

On dullest noddle light and grace. 

The manufadture of the Kirk, 

Whose Pastors are but th' Handiwork 

Of his Mechanick Paws, instilling 

Divinity in them by feeling. 

From whence they start up chosen Vessels, 

Made by Contaft, as Men get Mea%les. 

So Cardinals, they say, do grope 

At th' other end the new made Pope. 

Hold, hold, quoth Hudibras, Soft fire. 

They say, does make sweet Malt. Good Squire. 

Festina lente, not too fast ; 

For haste (the Proverb says) makes waste. 

The Quirks and Cavils thou dost make 

Are false, and built upon mistake. 

And I shall bring you, with your pack 

Of Falacies, t' Elenchi back ; 

And put your Arguments in mood 

And figure to be understood. 

I'll force you by right ratiocination 

To leave your Fitilitigation, 

91 



HUDIBRAS 

And make you keep to th' question close, 
And argue DialeSiim^. 

The Question then, to state it first, 

Is which is better, or which worst. 

Synods or Bears. Bears 1 avow 

To be the worst, and Synods thou. 

But to make good th' Assertion, 

Thou say'st th' are really all one. 

If so, not worst; for if th' are idem. 

Why then, Tantundem dat tantidem. 

For if they are the same, by course 

Neither is better, neither worse. 

But I deny they are the same. 

More than a Maggot and I am. 

That both are Animalia, 

I grant, but not Rationalia : 

For though they do agree in kind, 

Specifick difference we find. 

And can no more make Bears of these. 

Than prove my Horse is Socrates. 

That Synods are Bear-gardens too, 
Thou dost affirm ; but I say no : 
And thus I prove it, in a word, 
Whats'ever Assembly's not impowr'd 
To censure, curse, absolve, and ordain. 
Can be no Synod: but Bear-garden 
Has no such pow'r. Ergo 'tis none. 
And so thy Sophistry's o'erthrown. 

But yet we are beside the Question 

Which thou did'st raise the first contest on ; 

For that was, Whether Bears are better 

Than Synod-men, I say Negatur. 

That Bears are Beasts, and Synods Aden, 

Is held by all : They'r better then. 

For Bears and Dogs on four Legs go, 

As Beasts, but Synod-men on Two. 



92 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

'Tis true, they all have Teeth and Nails ; 

But prove that Synod-men have tails ; 

Or that a rugged, shaggy Fur 

Grovs^s o'er the Hide of Presbyter; 

Or that his snout and spacious Ears 

Do hold proportion w^ith a Bear's. 

A Beards a savage Beast, of all 

Most ugly and unnatural, 

Whelpt without form, until the Dam 

Have lickt him into shape and frame ; 

But all thy light can ne'er evift 

That ever Synod-man was licit ; 

Or brought to any other fashion 

Than his own Will and Inclination. 

But thou dost further yet in this 
Oppugne thy self and sense, that is, 
Thou would'st have Presbyters to go 
For Bears and Dogs, and Bearwards too. 
A strange Chimara of Beasts and Men, 
Made up of pieces Heterogene, 
Such as in Nature never met 
In eodem Subje£to yet. 

Thy other Arguments are all 

Supposures, Hypothetical, 

That do but beg, and we may chuse 

Either to grant them, or refuse. 

Much thou hast said, which I know when, 

And where, thou stol'st from other Men 

(Whereby 'tis plain thy light and gifts 

Are air but plagiary shifts ;) 

And is the same that Ranter sed. 

That arguing with me, broke my head. 

And tore a handful of my Beard : 

The self-same Cavils then I heard. 

When b'ing in hot dispute about 

This Controversie, we fell out ; 

And what thou know'st I answer'd then, 

Will serve to answer thee agen. 



93 



HUDIBRAS 

Quoth Ralpho, Nothing but th' abuse 

Of Humane Learning you produce ; 

Learning that Cobweb of the Brain, 

Profan e, erroniouSj^ anj Y-'",-' 

A'traHe ot" knowledge as repleat 

As others are with fraud and cheat ; 

An Art t' incumber Gifts and Wit, 

And render both for nothing fit ; 

Makes light unadlive, dull and troubled, 

Like iittte~D«w2r in Saul's Doublet; ' 

A cheat that Scholars put upon 

Other mens reason and their own ; 

A Fort of Error, to ensconce 

Absurdity and Ignorance ; 

That renders all the avenues 

To Truth impervious and abstruse, 

By making plain things, in debate, 

By Art, perplext and intricate : 

For nothing goes for Sense or Light 

That will not with old rules jump right. 

As if Rules were not in the Schools 

Deriv'd from Truth, but Truth from Rules. 

This Pagan, Heathenish invention^ 
Is good for nothing but Contention. 
For as in Sword-and-Buckler Fight, 
All blows do on the Target light : 
So when Men argue, the great'st part 
O' th' Contest falls on terms of Art, 
Until the Fustian stuff be spent. 
And then they fall to th' Argument. 

Quoth Hudihras, Friend Ralph, thou hast 
Out-run the Constable at last ; 
For thou art fallen on a new 
Dispute, as sensless as untrue. 
But to the former opposite, 
And contrary as black to white ; 
Mere Disparata,^thai.^ concerning 
Presbytery, this Humane Learning ; 



94 



FIRST PART, CANTO III 

Two things^averse^the^ never yet 
But_in|2Ky["ranibTing_^ncJJ met. 
But r''Sair talEe'T'fit occasion 
To evince thee by Ratiocination, 
Some other time, in place more proper 
Than this w' are in : therefore let's stop here, 
And rest our wearied bones a while, 
Already tir'd with other toil. 



95 



HUDlBRAb 

Annotations 

TO THE 

FIRST PART. 

That could as well bind o're as swaddle. 

Bind over to the Sessions, as being a Justice of the Peace in his 
Country, as well as Colonel of a Regiment of Foot, in the 
Parliaments Army, and a Committee-man. 

As Mountaigne playing with his Cat. 

Mountaigne in his Essays supposes his Cat thought him a Fool, for loosing 
his time, in playing with her. 

Profoundly skill'd in Analytique. 

Analytique is a part of Logick that teaches to Decline and Construe Reason, 
as Grammar does JVords. 

A Babilonish Dialeft. 

A confiision of Languages, such, as some of our Modem Vtrtuoii use to 
express themselves in. 

That had the Orator, who once, 

Demosthenes, who is said to have a defeft in his Pronunciation, which he 
cur'd by using to speak with little stones in his mouth. 

He could reduce all things to Afts. 

The old Philosophers thought to extraft Notions out of Natural things, as 
Chymists do Spirits and Essences ; and when they had refin'd them into 
the nicest subtleties, gave them as insignificant Names, as those Operators 
do their Extraftions : But (as Seneca says) the subtler things are 
render'd, they are but the nearer to Nothing. So are all their definitions 
of things by A6ls, the nearer to Nonsense. 

96 



ANNOTATIONS TO THE FIRST PART 

Where Truth in person does appear. 

Some Authors have mistaken Truth for a Real thing, when it is nothing 
but a right Method of putting those Notions, or Images of things (in 
the understanding of Man) into the same state and order, that their 
Originals hold in Nature, and therefore Aristotle says, unumquodque sicut 
je habet secundum esse, ita se habet secundum veritatem. Met. 1. a. 

Like Words congeal'd in Northern Air. 

Some report, that in No-va Zemble, and Greenland, Mens words are wont 
to be Frozen in the Air, and at the Thaw may be heard. 

He knew the Seat of Paradise. 

There is nothing more ridiculous than the various opinions of Authors 
about the Seat of Paradise ; Sir Walter Ranuleigh has taken a great deal 
of pains to collect them; in the beginning of his History of the World; 
where those who are unsatisfied, may be fully inform'd. 

By a High Dutch Interpreter. 

Goropius Becanus endeavours to prove that High-Dutch was the Language 
that Adam and Eve spoke in Paradise. 

If either of them had a Navel. 

Adam and Eve being Made, and not Conceiv'd, and Form'd in the 
Womb, had no Navel, as some Learned Men have suppos'd, because 
they had no need of them. 

Who first made Musick Malleable. 

Musick is said to be invented by Pythagoras, who first found out the 
Proportion of Notes, from the sounds of Hammers upon an Anvil. 

Like Mahomet's were Ass and Widgeon. 

Mahomet had a tame Dove that used to pick Seeds out of his Ear, that it 
might be thought to whisper and Inspire him. His Ass was so intimate 
with him, that the Mahometans believe it carry^d him to Heaven, and 
stays there with him to bring him back again. 

It was Canonique, and did grow 
In Holy Orders by stricSt Vow. 

He made a Vow never to cut his Beard, until the Parliament had subdued 
the King, of which Order of Phanatique Votaries, there were many in 
those times. 

G 97 



HUDIBRAS 



So Learned Taliacotius, &c. 

TaliacotiuJ was an Italian Chirurgeon, that found out a way to repair lost 
and decay'd Noses. 

But left the Trade, as many more, 
Have lately done, &c. 

Oliver Cromiuel and Colonel Pride had been both Brewers. 

That Casar's Horse, who as Fame goes. 
Had Corns upon his Feet and Toes. 

Julius Ciesar had a Horse with Feet like a Man's. Vtebatur equo iniigni, 
pedibiu prope Humanii, its' in modum Digitorum ungulis fijiis, 

Sueton in Jul. Cap. 6i. 

The mighty Tyrian Queen that gain'd 
With subtle shreds, a Traft of Land. 

Dido Queen of Carthage, who bought as much Land as she could compass 
with an Oxes Hide, which she cut into small Thongs and cheated the 
owner of so much ground, as serv'd her to build Carthage upon. 

As the bold Trojan Knight seen Hell. 

JE,neas whom Virgil reports to use a Golden Bough, for a Pass to Hell, 
and Tailors call that place Hell, where they put all they steal. 

In Magick, Talisman, and Cabal. 

Talisman is a Device to destroy any sort of Vermin by casting their 
Images in Metal, in a precise minute, when the Stars are perfectly 
inclin'd to do them all the mischief they can. This has been experi- 
mented by some modern Virtuosi, upon Rats, Mice, and Fleas, and 
found (as they affirm) to produce the Effect with admirable success. 

Raymund Lully interprets Cabal, out of the Arabick, to signifie Scientia 
superabundans, which his Comentator Cornelius Agrifpa, by over 
magnifying, has render'd a very superfluous Foppery. 

As far as Adam's first Green Breeches. 

The Author of Magia Adamica endeavours to prove the Learning of the 
antient Magi, to be deriv'd from that knowledge which God himself 
taught Adam in Paradise, before the Fall. 



98 



ANNOTATIONS TO THE FIRST PART 

And much of Terra Incognita 
The Intelligible world could say. 

The Intelligible world, is a kind of Terra del Fuego, or Psittacorum Regio, 
discover'd only by the Philosophers, of which they talk, like Parrots, 
what they do not understand. 

As Learn'd as the wild Irish are. 

No Nation in the World is more addicted to this occult Philosophy, than 
the Wild Irish, as appears by the whole praiHce of their Lives, of 
which see Cambden in his description of Ireland. 

In Rosy-Crucian Love as Learned 
As he that vera Adeptus earned. 

The Fraternity of the Rosy-Crucians is very like the Sect of the antient 
Gnostici who call'd themselves so, from the excellent Learning they 
pretended to, although they were really the most ridiculous Sots of all 
Mankind. 

Vere Adeptus, is one that has Commenc'd in their Fanatique extravagance. 

Thou that with Ale or viler Licquors 
Did'st inspire Withers., Pryn, and Vickars. 

This Vickars was a Man of as great Interest and [Authority] in the late 
Reformation, as Pryn, or Withers, and as able a Poet ; He Translated 
Virgils JEneids into as horrible Travesty in earnest, as the French 
Scaroon did in Burlesque, and was only out-done in his way by the 
Politick Author of Oceana. 



We that are wisely mounted higher. 

This Speech is set down as it was deliver'd by the Knight in his own 
words : but since it is below the Gravity of Heroical Poetry, to admit 
of Humor, but all men are oblig'd to speak wisely alike. And too 
much of so extravagant a Folly would become tedious, and impertinent, 
the rest of his Harangues have only his Sense exprest in other words, 
unless in some few places where his own words could not be so well 
avoided. 

In Bloudy Cynarftomarchy. 

Cynarftomarchy signifies nothing in the World, but a Fight between 
Dogs and Bears, though both the Learned and Ignorant agree, that in 
such words very great Knowledge is contained : and our Knight as one, 
or both of those, was of the same opinion. 

G 2 99 



HUDIBRAS 



Or Force, we averruncate it. 

Another of the same kind, which though it appear ever so Learned, and 
Profound, means nothing else but the weeding of Corn. 

The Indians fought for the Truth 
Of th' Elephant, and Monkeys Tooth. 

The History of the White Elephant, and the Monkeys Tooth, which the 
Indians ador'd, is written by Monsieur Le Blanc. This Monkey's Tooth 
was taken by the Portuguese from those that worship'd it, and though 
they ofFer'd a vast Ransom for it, yet the Christians were perswaded by 
their Priests, rather to bum it. But as soon as the fire was kindled, all 
the People present were not able to indure the horrible stink that came 
from it, as if the Fire had been made of the same Ingredients, with 
which Seamen use to compose that kind of Granado's, which they call 
Stinkards. 

This rage in them like Bout-feus. 

Bout-feus is a French word, and therefore it were uncivil to suppose any 
English Person (especially of Quality) ignorant of it, or so ill-bred as to 
need an Exposition. 

As Indian Brittains are from Penguins. 

The American Indians call a great Bird they have, with a white head a 
Penguin ; which signifies the same thing in the Brittish Tongue : from 
whence (with other words of the same kind) some Authors have 
endeavour'd to prove. That the Americans are originally deriv'd from 
the Brittains. 

And though his Country-men the Huns. 

This custom of the Huns is describ'd by Ammianus Marcellinus. Hunii 
Semicruda cujus-vis Pecoris came vescuntur, quam inter femora sua (tsf 
equorum terga subsertam, fotu calefaciunt bre-vi. Pag. 686. 

-He spous'd in India 



Of Noble House a Lady gay. 

This story in Le Blanc, of a Bear that married a Kings Daughter, is no 
more strange than many others in most Travellers, that pass with 
allowance, for if they should write nothing but what is possible, or 
probable, they might appear to have lost their labor, and observed 
nothing, but what they might have done as well at home. 

100 



ANNOTATIONS TO THE FIRST PART 

They would not suffer the stout'st Dame 
To swear by Hercules'& Name. 

The old Romans had particular Oaths for Men and Women to swear by, 
and therefore Macrob'ms says, Viri per Castorem non jurabant antiquitus, 
nee MuUeres per Herculem, ^depol autem juramentum erat tarn mulieribus 
quam •viris commune. Sec. 

As Stout Armida, bold Thalestris. 

Two formidable Women at Arms, in Romances, that were cudgell'd into 
Love by their Gallants. 

Wore in their Hats like Wedding garters. 

Some few days after the King had accus'd the Five Members of Treason 
in the House of Commo[n]s ; great crouds of the Rabble came down to 
Westminster-Hall, with Printed Copies of the Protestation, ty'd in their 
Hats like Favors. 

Make that Sarcasmous scandal true ! 

Abusive, or insulting had been better, but our Knight believ'd the Learned 
Languages, more convenient to understand in, then his own Mother- 
tongue. 

And is indeed the self-same case 
With theirs that swore t' Et cateras. 

The Convocation in one of the short Parliaments that usher'd in the long 
one (as Dwarfs are wont to do Knights Errant) made an Oath to be 
taken, by the Clergy, for observing of Canonical obedience ; in which 
they injoyn'd their Brethren, out of the abundance of their Consciences, 
to swear to Articles with is'c. 

Or the French League in which men vow'd 
To fight to the last drop of Bloud. 

The Holy League in France, design'd and made for the Extirpation of the 
Protestant Religion, was the Original, out of which the Solemn League 
and Covenant here, was (with difference only of Circumstances) most 
faithfully Transcrib'd. Nor did the success of both differ more than the 
Intent and Purpose ; for after the destrufilion of vast numbers of People 
of all sorts, both ended with the Murthers of two Kings, whom they 
had both sworn to defend : and as our Covenanters swore every Man, 
to run one before another in the way of Reformation, So did the French 
in the Holy League, to fight to the last drop of Bloud. 

lOI 



HUDIBRAS 

First Trulla stav'd, and Cerdon tail'd. 

Staving and Tailing are terms of Art us'd in the Bear-Garden, and signifie 
there only the parting of Dogs and Bears, though they are us'd 
Metaphorically, in several other Professions, for moderating, as Lav»^, 
Divinity, Hectoring, i^c. 

Or like the late correfted Leathern 
Ears of the Circumcised Brethren. 

Pryn, Basttuyck, and Burton, who laid down their Ears as Proxies for 
three Professions of the Godly Party, who not long after maintain'd 
their Right and Title to the Pillory, to be as good and lawful, as theirs, 
who first of all took possession of it in their Names. 

By him that Baited the Popes Bull. 

A Learned Divine in King James's time wrote a Poleraick Work against 
the Pope, and gave it that unlucky Nick-Name, of The Popes Bult 
Baited. 

Canonical Crabat of Smec. 

Smeib/mnius was a Club of ParUamentary Holders-forth, The Characters 
of whose Names and Talents were by themselves exprest, in that senseless 
insignificant word; They wore flandkerchers about their Necks for a 
Note of Distinction, (as the Officers of the Parliament Army then did) 
which afterwards degenerated into Carnal Crabats. 

And leave your Vitilitigation. 

Vitilitigation is a word the Knight was passionately in love with, and never 
fail'd to use it upon all possible occasions: and therefore to omit it, when 
it fell in the way, had argu'd too great a Neglect of his Learning, and 
Parts, though it means no more than a perverse humour of wrangling. 



102 



HUDIBRAS. 

T'he Second T^art. 

By the Author of the First. 

CORRECTED & AMENDED, 

With 
Several Additions and Annotations. 

LONDON: 

Printed by T. N. for John Martyn and Henry 
Herringman, at the Bell in St. Pauls Church- 
yard, and at the Anchor in the Lower 
Walk of the New Exchange, i6yS. 



The Second PART of 

HUDIBRAS. 

The Argument of the first Canto. 



The Knight being clapp'd by th' heels in prison. 

The last unhappy Expedition, 

Love brings his ASlion on the Case, 

And lays it upon Hudibras. 

How he receives the Ladies visit, 

And cunningly sollicites his sute. 

Which she deferrs : yet on Parol, 

Redeems him from th' Inchanted Hole. 



CANTO I. 



BUt now t'observe Romantique method 
Let rusty Steel a while be sheathed; 
And all those harsh and rugged sounds 
Of Bastinado's, Cuts, and Wounds 
Exchang'd to Love's more gentle stjle^ 
To let our Reader breathe a whTle : 
In which, that we may be as brief as 
Is possible, by way of Preface. 
Is't not enough to make one strange. 
That some mens fancies should ne'er change ? 
But make all people do, and say. 
The same things still the self-same way: 
Some Writers make all Ladies purloin'd, 

105 



HUDIBRAS 

And Knights pursuing like a Whirlwind : 

Others make all their Knights, in fits 

Of Jealousie, to lose their wits ; 

Till drawing blood o'th' Dames, like Witches, 

Th' are forthwith cur'd of their Capriches. 

Some always thrive in their Amours, 

By pulling Plaisters off their Sores ; 

As Cripples do to get an Alms, 

Just so do they, and win their Dames. 

Some force whole Regions, in despight 

O' Geography, to change their site : 

Make former times shake hands with latter. 

And that which was before, come after. 

But those that write in Rhime, still make 

The one Verse for the others sake : 

For, one for Sense, and one for Rhime, 

I think's sufficient at one time. 

But we forget in what sad plight 
We lately left the Captiv'd Knight, 
And pensive Squire both bruis'd in body. 
And conjurM into safe Custody : 
Tir'd with Dispute, and speaking Latine, 
As well as basting, and Bear-baiting; 
And desperate of any course, 
To free himself by wit or force. 
His onely Solace was, That now 
His dog-bolt Fortune was so low : 
That either it must quickly end. 
Or turn about again, and mend : 
In which he found th' event, no less, 
Than other times beside his guess ; 
There is a tall long-sided Dame, 
(But wondrous light) ycleped Fame, 
That like a thin Camelion Bourds 
He[r] self on Air, and eats her words : 
Upon her shoulders wings she wears, 
Like Hanging-sleeves, lin'd through with Ears, 
And Eies, and Tongues, as Poets list. 
Made good by deep Mythologist. 
With these, she through the Welkin flies. 



1 06 



SECOND PART, CANTO I 

And sometimes carries Truth, oft Lies ; 
With Letters hung like Eastern Pidgeons ; 
And Mercuries of farthest Regions ; 
Diurnals writ for Regulation 
Of Lying, to inform the Nation : 
And by their publick use to bring down 
The rate of Whetstones in the Kingdom. 
About her neck a Yziza^et-Male, 
Fraught with Advice, some fresh, some stale. 
Of Men that walk'd when they were dead. 
And Cows of Monsters brought to bed : 
Of Hailstones big as Pullets Eggs, 
And Puppies whelp'd with twice two legs : 
A Blazing-Star seen in the West, 
By six or seven Men at least. 
Two Trumpets she does sound at once. 
But both of clean contrary tones. 
But whether both with the same Wind, 
Or one before, and one behind. 
We know not ; only this can tell, 
Th' one sounds vilely, th' other well. 
And therefore vulgar Authors name 
Th' one good, th' other Evil Fame. 
This tatling Gossip knew too well. 
What mischief Hudibras befel ; 
And straight the spightful tidings bears, 
Of all, to th' unkind Widows Ears. 
Democritus ne'er laugh'd so loud 
To see Bauds carted through the crowd. 
Or Funerals with stately Pomp, 
March slowly on in solemn dump ; 
As she laugh'd out, until her back 
As well as sides, was like to crack. 
She vow'd she would go see the Sight, 
And visit the distressed Knight, 
To do the OiSce of a Neighbor, 
And be a Gossip at his Labor : 
And from his wooden Jail the Stocks, 
To set at large his Fetter-locks, 
And by Exchange, Parole, or Ransome, 



107 



HUDIBRAS 

To free him from th' Inchanted Mansion. 

This b'ing resolv'd, she call'd for hood 

And Usher, Implements abroad, 

Which Ladies wear, beside a slender 

Young waiting Damsel to attend her. 

All which appearing, on she went. 

To find the Knight in Limbo pent : 

And 'twas not long before she found 

Him, and his stout Squire in the Pound ; 

Both coupled in Inchanted Tether, 

By further Leg behind together: 

For as he sate upon his Rump, 

His Head like one in doleful dump, 

Between his knees, his hands apply'd 

Unto his Ears on either side. 

And by him, in another hole, 

Afflicfted Ralpho, Cheek by Joul ; 

She came upon him in his wooden 

Magicians Circle, on the sudden, 

As Spirits do t' a Conjurer, 

When in their dreadful shapes th' appear. 

No sooner did the Knight perceive herJ 

But straight he fell into a Fever, 

Inilam'd all over with disgrace, 

To be seen by her in such a place ; . 

Which made him hang the head, and scowl, 

And wink and goggle like an Owl, 

He felt his Brains begin to swim. 

When thus the Dame accosted him ; 

This place (quoth she) they say's Inchanted, 

And with Deli\n']quent Spirits haunted ; 

That here are ty'd in 'Chains, and scourg'd. 

Until their guilty Crimes be purg'd ; 

Look, there are two of them appear 

Like Persons I have seen somewhere : 

Some have mistaken Blocks and Posts, 

For Speifres, Apparations, Ghosts 

With Sawcer-eyes, and Horns ; and some 

Have heard the Devil beat a Drum : 

But if our Eyes are not false Glasses, 



io8 



SECOND PART, CANTO I 

That give a wrong account of Faces ; 
That Beard and I should be acquainted, 
Before 'twas conjur'd and inchanted. 
For though it be disfigur'd somewhat, 
As if't had lately been in Combat ; 
It did belong t' a worthy Knight, 
Howe'er this Goblin is come by't. 

When Hudibras the Lady heard 
To take kind notice of TiisBearc?, 
A"n3~sp«i3c'~witTr such respeat~an3 honor, 
Both of the Beard, and the Beard's Owner, 
He thought it best to set as good 
A face upon it as he cou'd. 
And thus he spoke ; Lady, your bright 
And radiant Eyes are in the right : 
The Beard's th' Identique Beard you knew. 
The same numerically true : 
Nor is it worn by Fiend or Elf, 
But its Proprietor himself. 

Oh Heavens ! quoth she, can that be true ? 
I do begin to fear 'tis you : 
Not by your Individual Whiskers, 
But by your Dialeft and Discourse ; 
That never spoke to JVIan or Beast, 
In notions vulgarly exprest. 
But what malignant Star, alass, 
Has brought you both to this sad pass ? 

Quoth he, the fortune of the War, 
Which I am less afflifted for. 
Than to be seen with Beard and Face, 
By you, in such a homely case. 

Quoth she. Those need not be asham'd. 
For being honorably maim'd ; 
If he that is in battel conquer'd, 
Have any Title to his own Beard. 
Though yours be sorely lugg'd and torn, 
It does your visage more adorn, 
Than if 'twere prun'd, and starch'd, and lander'd 
And cut square by the Russian Standerd. 
A torn Beard's like a tatter'd Ensign, 

109 



HUDIBRAS 

That's bravest which there are most rents in. 
That Petticoat about your Shoulders, 
Does not so well become a Soldiers, 
And I'm afraid they are worse handled. 
Although i'th' reer, your Beard the Van led. 
And those uneasie bruises make 
My heart for company to ake, 
To see so worshipful a friend 
I'th' Pillory set, at the wrong end. 

Quoth Hudihras, This thing call'd Pain, 
Is (as the Learn'd Stoicks maintain) 
Not bad simpliciter, nor good. 
But merely as 'tis understood. 
Sense is deceitfiil, and may faign, 
As well in counterfeiting pain. 
As other gross Phienomena's, 
In which it oft mistakes the Case. 
But since th' immortal Intelledl 
(That's free from Error and Defeft, 
Whose objefts still persist the same) 
Is free from outward bruise or maim, 
Which nought external can expose 
To gross material bangs or blows : 
It follows, we can ne'er be sure. 
Whether we pain or not endure : 
And just so far are sore and griev'd, 
As by the Fancy is believ'd. 
Some have been wounded with conceit, 
And dy'd of mere opinion streight. 
Others, though wounded sore in reason. 
Felt nor contusion nor discretion. 
A Saxon Duke did grow so fat. 
That Mice, (as Histories relate) 
Eat Grots and Labyrinths to dwell in 
His Postique parts, without his feeling ; 
Then how is't possible a kick, 
Should e'er reach that way to the quick ? 

Quoth she, I grant it is in vain, 
For one that's basted, to feel pain ; 
Because the Pangs his bones endure, 

1 10 



SECOND PART, CANTO I 

Contribute nothing to the Cure : 
Yet Honor hurt, is wont to rage 
With Pain no Med'cine can assuage. 

Quoth he, That Honor's very squeemish 
That takes a basting for a blemish : 
For what's more honorable than scars. 
Or skin to tatters rent in Wars? 
Some have been beaten till they know 
What Wood a Cudgel's of by th' blow ; 
Some kick'd, until they can feel whether 
A Shooe be Spanish or Neats-Leather : 
And yet have met, after long running, 
With some whom they have taught that cunning. 
The furthest way about, t' o'ercome, 
r th' end does prove th' nearest home ; 
By Laws of Learned Duellists, 
They that are bruis'd with Wood, or Fists 
And think one beating may for once 
Suffice, are Cowards, and Pultroons : 
But if they dare engage t' a second, 
They're stout and gallant fellows reckon'd. 
Th' old Romans, freedom did bestow ; 
Our Princes worship, with a blow : 
King Pyrrhus cur'd his splenetick 
And testy Courtiers with a kick. 
The Negus, when some mighty Lord, 
Or Potentate's to be restor'd 
And Pardon'd for some great ofFence 
With which he's willing to dispence : 
First has him laid upon his Belly, 
Then beaten back, and side, t' a "Jelly, 
That done, he rises, humbly bows, 
And gives thanks for the gracious blows ; 
Departs not meanly proud, and boasting, 
Of his magnificent Rib-roasting. 
The beaten Soldier, proves most manful, 
That like his Sword, endures the Anvile : 
And justly's held more formidable, 
The more his Valor's malleable. 
But he thJlt fears a Bastinado, 

III 



HUDIBRAS 

Will run away from his own shadow. 
And though I'm now in durance fast, 
By our own Party basely cast, 
Ransome, Exchange, Parole, refus'd. 
And worse than by th' Enemy us'd ; 
In close Catasta shut, past hope 
Of Wit, or Valor, to elope. 
As Beards, the nearer that they tend 
To th' Earth, still grow more reverend : 
And Cannons shoot the higher pitches, 
The lower we let down their Breeches : 
I'll make this low dejedled fate 
Advance me to a greater height. 

Quoth she, Y've almost made__m'_Jn J^oye 
Wifli~Ehat-wfiiclr'3rd"lny P^tJLjnove : 
- GitiaTTFJ^^^^^j^ators, like great5?«to, 
B^sohietimS''sink'"with th;gtfo wh w «ghts : 
THe~extfeamS of Glory, and of Shame, 
Like East and West, become the same : 
No Indian Prince has to his Palace 
More foUow'rs than a Thief to th' Gallows. 
But if a beating seem so brave. 
What Glories must a whipping have ? 
Such great Atchievements cannot fail. 
To cast Salt on a Womans Tail, 
For if I thought your natural Talent 
Of Passive Courage, were so Gallant ; 
As you strain hard to have it thought, 
I could grow amorous, and dote. 

When Hudibras this language heard, 
He prick'd up's ears, and strok'd his Beard : 
Thought he, this is the Luciy hour. 
Wines work, when Vines are in the flower ; 
This Crisis then I'll set my rest on, 
And put her boldly to the ^^uestion. 

Madam, what you would seem to doubt, 
Shall be to all the world made out. 
How I've been Drubh'd, and with what Spirit, 
And Magnanimity, I bear it ; 
And if you doubt it to be true, 

112 



SECOND PART, CANTO I 

I'll stake my $elf down against you : 
And if I fail in Love or Troth, 
Be you the Winner, and take both. 

Quoth she, I've heard old cunning Stagers 
Say, Fools for Arguments use wagers. 
And though I prais'd your Valor, yet 
I did not mean to baulk your IVit, 
Which if you have, you must needs know 
What, I have told you before now, 
And you b' experiment have prov'd, 
I cannot Love where I'm beloved. 

Quoth Hudibras, 'tis a Caprich 
Beyond th' infliftion of a Witch ; 
So Cheats to play with those still aim, 
That do not understand the Game. 
Love in your heart as idly burns, 
As Fire in antique Roman-Urns, 
To warm the Dead, and vainly light 
Those only, that see nothing by't. 
Have you not power to entertain. 
And render Love for Love again ? 
As no man can draw in his breath. 
At once, and force out Air beneath ? 
Or do you love your self so much, 
To bear all Rivals else a Grutch ? 
What Fate can lay a greater Curse, 
Than you upon your self would force ; 
For Wedlock without love, some say, j 

Is but a Lock without a Key. 
It is a kind of Rape to Marry 
One, that negledls, or cares not for ye : 
For, what does make it Ravishment, 
But b'lng against the Mind's Consent ? 
A Rape, that is the more inhumane. 
For being a(^e3~ ByT~ /^g^a«r " 

^^hy^ ZTc'yavi^ fair, "biJE~tb~'entice us 
To love you, that you may despise us ? 
But though you cannot love, you say, 
Out of your own Fanatique way. 
Why should you not, at least, allow. 



113 



HUDIBRAS 

Those that love you, to do so too : 
For, as you fly me, and pursue 
Love more averse, so I do you : 
And am by your own Doifrine taught. 
To praftise what you call a fault. 

Quoth she, If what you say be true, 
You must fly me, as I do you. 
But 'tis not what we do, but say. 
In Love and Preachings that must sway. 

Quoth he, to bid me not to love. 
Is to forbid my Pulse to move. 
My Beard to grow, my Ears to^jirick__up. 
Or (when I'm in a fit) t o hickup : 
Command me to piss out'the Moon, 
An3~*{wilPas~~easil^Jfedone. 
i^w^powernoo great to be withstood 
By feeble humane [^]«A and blood. 
'Twas he, that brought upon his knees 
The HeSPring Kill-Cow Hercules ; 
Reduc'd his Leager-lions skins 
T' a Petticoat, and made him spin : 
Seiz'd on his Club, and made it dwindle 
T' a feeble Distaff, and a Spindle. 
'Twas he made Emperors Gallants 
To their own Sisters, and their Aunts ; 
Set Po^££jand Cardinals agog 



To pl gywith Pages at Leap-frog ; , 
'Twas he tfiaT'gave our SenaTT purges, 
And fluxt the House of many a Burgess ; 
Made those that represent the Nation 
Submit, and suffer amputation : 
And all the Grandees o' th' Cabal, 
Adjourn to Tubs, at spring and fall. 
He mounted Synod-men and rode 'em 
To Durty-lane, and little Sodom ; 
Made 'em Corvett, like Spanish Jenets, 

And take the Ring at Madam 

'Twas he that made Saint Francis do 
More than the Devil could tempt him [to] ; 
In cold and frosty weather grow 

114 



SECOND PART, CANTO I 



Which_^er in enjoyment queiichin 
Garland on \i\s~ £!n^~ 



Enatnor'd of a Wife of Snow ; 
And though she were of rigid temper, 
With melting flames accost and tempt her : , 

lenching, 
T!n^ne7 
if Love have these efFefts, 
Why is it not forbid our Sex? 
Why is't not damn'd, and interdifted, 
For Diabolical and wicked ? 
And song, as out of tune, against, 
As Turk and Pope are by the Saints ?• 
I find, I've greater reason for it. 
Than I believ'd before t' abhor it. 

Quoth Hudibras, These sad efFefts 
Spring from your Heathenish negle£ts 
Of Love''s great pow'r, which he returns 
Upon your selves with equal scorns ; 
And those who worthy Love[rs'\ slight. 
Plague's with prepost'rous appetite ; 
This made the beautious ^een of Crete 
To take a Town-Bull for her Sweet ; 
And from her greatness stoop so low, 
To be the Rival of a Cow. 
Others to prostitute their great Hearts, 
To be Baboons, and Monkeys Sweet-hearts. 
Somewith^_die__[igvT_iunjselfJn^ 
By'j_Ke5^sentat iye a Neer iL. 
'Tv^ this ma3e"7^«f«/- Maids love-sick, 
And venture to be bury'd Quick. 
Some by their Fathers and their Brothers, 
To be made Mistrisses, and Mothers : 
'Tis this that Proudest Dames enamors 
On Lacquies, and Varlets des-Chambres 
Their haughty Stomachs overcomes, 
And makes 'em stoop to Durty Grooms, 
To slight the World, and to disparage 
Claps, Issue, Infamy, and Marriage. 

Quoth she, these Judgements are severe. 
Yet such, as I should rather bear. 
Than trust men with their Oaths, or prove 

H 2 115 



HUDIBRAS 

Their faith, and secresie in love. 
Says he, There is as weighty reason, 
For Secresie in Love as Treason. 
Love is a Burglarer, a Felon, 
That at the Windore-eie does steal in 
To rob the Heart, and with his prey 
Steals out again a closer way, 
Which whosoever can discover, 
He's sure (as he deserves) to suffer. 
L m)e is_a fire, thatburns and sparkles. 
In Merij zs^ nat'rally as iiC Tjpar-coah , 
WKicK_^^02ty Chjmists sto p in ho leg, 
When^gut^, Wood^ theyjextra£jt, CcJes ; 
So Zw^rj, should their Passlotisjdtio^, 
Thayt thpugh_J:hey burrij theyjn^jj^ 
'Tis like that sturdy 'Thief that stole. 
And drag'd Beasts backwards, into's hole : 
So Zflwdoes Loversj^ and us Men 
Draws by riie'T^JIg into h is Den ; 
TKat no impression may discover, 
And trace t' his Cave, the wary Lover. 
But if you doubt I should reveal 
What you entrust me under Seal, 
I'll prove my self as close and virtuous, 
As, your own Secretary, Albertus. 

Quoth she, I grant you may be close 
In hiding what your aims propose : 
Love-Passions are like Parables, 
By which men still mean something else 
Though Love be all the worlds pretence, 
Mony's the Mythologic fence. 
The real substance of the shadow. 
Which all Address and Courtship's made to. 

Thought he, I understand your Play, 
And how to quit you your own way ; 
He that will win his Dame, must do. 
As Love do's, when he bends his Bow : 
With the one hand thrust the Lady from, 
And with the other pull her home. 
I grant, quoth he, Wealth is a great 

ii6 



SECOND PART, CANTO I 

Provocative, to am 'reus heat ; 

It is all Philters, and high Diet 

That makes Love Rampant, and to fly out : 

'Tis Beauty always in the Flowfer, 

That buds and blossoms at fourscore : 

'Tis that by which the Sun and Moon, 

At their own weapons are out-done ; 

That makes Knights Errant fall in trances, 

And lay about 'em in Romances. 

'Tis Virtue, Wit, and Worth, and all ' 

That Men Divine and Sacred call. 

For what is Worth in any thing, 

But so much Money as 'twill bring ? 

Or what but Riches is there known. 

Which man can solely call his own ; -, 

In which, no Creature goes his half. 

Unless it be to squint and laugh? 

I do confess, with Goods and Land, 

I'd have a Wife, at second hand ; 

And such you are : Nor is't yourperson, 

Mystomach's set so Iharp, ixvS. fierce on, 

But^is (your better part) your Riches, 

That my enamor'd heart bewitches ; 

Let me your fortune but possess, 

And settle your person how you please : 

Or make it o'er in trust to th' Devil, 

You'l find me reasonable and civil. 

Quoth she, I like this plainness better' 
Than false Mock-Passion, Speech, or Letter, 
Or any feat of qualm or sowning. 
But hanging of your self, or drowning; 
Your onely way with me, to break 
Your mind, is breaking of your Neck : 
For as when Merchants break, o'erthrown 
Like Nine-Pins; they strike others down ; 
So, that would break my heart, which done|, 
My tempting fortune is your own. 
These are but trifles, ev'ry Lover 
Will damn himself, over and over, 
And greater matters undertake, 



"7 



HUDIBRAS 

For a less worthy Mistriss sake : 

Yet th' are the onely ways to prove 

'Iliejyif£dgn!d_jY«^ri«jjf,X«u£j^ 

For hejhat hangg3_orbeats^.0Ait's brains, 

The Demls jo hitp if he feiggSt-. 

Quoth Hudibras, this way's too rough, 
For mere experiment, and proof; 
It is no jesting, trivial matter, 
To swing in th' Air, or plunge in Water, 
And like a Water-witch, try love. 
That's to destroy, and not to prove : 
As if a man should be dissefled. 
To find what part is disafFe£l:ed : 
Your better way is to make over. 
In Trust, your fortune to your Lover ; 
Trust is a Tryal, if it break, 
'Tis not so desp'rate as a Neck : 
Beside, th' experiment's more certain. 
Men venture Necks to gain a Fortune ; 
The Soldier do's it ev'ry day 
(Eight to the week) for sixpence pay : 
Your Pettifoggers damn their Souls, 
To share with Knaves in Cheating Fools : 
And Merchants vent'ring through the Main, 
Slight Pirats, Rocks, and Horns for gain. 
This is the way I advise you to, 
Trust me, and see what I will do. 

Quoth she, I should be loath to run 
My self all th' hazard, and you none. 
Which must be done, unless some deed 
Of yours, aforesaid do precede ; 
Give but your self one gentle swing. 
For tryal, and I'll cut the string: 
Or give that Reverend Head, a maul, 
Or two, or three, against a Wall ; 
To shew you are a man of mettle, 
And I'll engage my self, to settle. 

Quoth he, my Head's not made of brass. 
As Frier Bacon's noddle was : 
Nor (like the Indian's scull) so tough, 



1x8 



SECOND PART, CANTO I 

That Authors say, 'twas Musket-proof: 
As it had need to be to enter, 
As yet, on any new Adventure ; 
You see what bangs it has endur'd, 
That would, before new feats, be cur'd : 
But if that's all you stand upon ; 
Here, strike me Ituk, it shall be done. 

Quoth she. The matter's not so far gone 
As you suppose, Tw« words f a Bargain, 
That may be done, and time enough. 
When you have given down-right proof: 
And yet 'tis no Fantastick pike, 
I have to love, nor coy dislike ; 
'Tis no implicite, nice Aversion 
T' your Conversation, Meen, or Person : 
But a just fear, lest you should prove. 
False, and perfidious in Love ; 
For if I thought you could be true, 
I could love twice as much as you. 

Quoth he, My faith as Adamantine 
As Chains of Destiny, I'll maintain ; 
True as Apollo ever spoke. 
Or Oracle from heart of Oak. 
And if you'll give my flame but vent. 
Now in close hugger-mugger pent. 
And shine upon me but benignly. 
With that one, and that other Pigsny, 
The Sun and Day shall sooner part, 
Than Love, or you, shake off my heart. 
The Sun that shall no more dispence 
His own, but your bright influence ; 
I'll carve your name on Barks of Trees, 
With True-loves knots, and Flourishes ; 
That shall infuse eternal spring. 
And everlasting flourishing : 
Drink every Letter on't, in Stum ; 
And make it brisk Champaign become j 
Where e'er you tread, your foot shall set 
The Primrose and the Violet ; 
All Spices, Perfumes, and sweet Powders, 



119 



HUDIBRAS 

Shall borrow from your breath their Odors ; 
Nature her Charter shall renew, 
And take all lives of things from you ; 
The World depend upon your Eye^ 
And when you frown upon it, die. 
Only our loves shall still survive, 
New Worlds and Natures to out-live ; 
And, like to Heralds Moons, remain 
All Crescents, without change or wane. 

Hold, hold, quoth she, no more of this. 
Sir Knight, you take your aim amiss ; 
For you will find it a hard Chapter, 
To catch me with Foeiique Rapture, 
In which your Mastery of jirt 
^^^'''^^rjr^t^^ ^i'n^r jmxT Heart ; 
Norwill yoMraiseTn m\n& comEustio'n, 
By dint of high Heroick fustion : 
She that with Poetry is won. 
Is but a Desk to write upon ; 
And what men say of her, they mean. 
No more than that on which they lean; 
Some with Arabian Spices strive 
To embalm her cruelly alive ; 
Or season her, as French Cooks use 
Their Haut-gusts, BuolUes, or Ragusts ; 
Use her so barbarously ill. 
To grind her Lips upon a Mill, 
Until the Facet Doublet doth 
Fit their Rhimes rather than her mouth ; 
Her mouth compar'd t' an Oyster's, with ' 
A row of Pearl in't, stead of Teeth ; 
Others, make Posies of her Cheeks, 
Where red, and whitest colors mix ; 
In which the Lily, and the Rose 
For Indian Lake, and Ceruse goes. 
The Sun, and Moon, by her bright eyes, 
Eclips'd, and darkn'd in the Skies ; 
Are but Black-patches that she wears, 
Cut into Suns, and Moons, and Stars, 
By which Astrologers, as well 

120 



SECOND PART, CANTO I 

As those in Heaven above, can tell 

What strange Events they do foreshovir 

Unto her Under-world below. 

Her Voice the Mustek of the Spheres, 

So loud it deafens mortal ears ; 

As wise Philosophers have thought, 

And that's the cause we hear it not. 

Th is ha s been done by somej_whothose 

x'h' aJor'd in 'R'hirne,' woulakidcT n~Prajg ; 

An3^n~tKose'^^z?^wf would' have K urig^ 

OF whic^~ln9 53 iously "jfaey suf^ 

ihat have the hard fate, to write best 

Of those still that deserve it least ; 

It matters not, how false, or forced. 

So the best things be said o' th' worst ; 

It goes for nothing when 'tis sed, 

Onely the Arrow's drawn to th' head. 

Whether it be Swan or Goose 

They level at : So Shepherds use 

To set the same mark on the hip 

Both of their sound and rotten Sheep. 

For Wits that carry low or wide. 

Must be aim'd higher, or beside. 

The mark, which else they ne'er come nigh. 

But when they take their aim awry. 

But I do wonder you should chuse 

This way t' attaque me with your Muse, 

As one cut out to pass your tricks on, 

With Fulhams of Poetic fiSIion : 

I rather hop'd, I should no more 

Hear from you, o' th' Gallanting score : 

For hard dry-bastings use to prove 

The readiest Remedies of Love, 

Next a dry-diet; But if those fail, 

Yet this uneasj e Loop-hold T_ail 

In which y' dcte/hampef' a by the fe t-lock, 

Caniiot tu t" put y'j n niinS of IVedlocF T 

Wedlock, that's worse than any hole here, 

If that may serve you for a Cooler ; 

T' allay your Mettle, all agog 

121 



HUDIBRAS 

Upon a Wife, the heavi'r clog. 

Nor rather thank your gentle Fate, 

That, for a bruis'd or broken Pate, 

Has freed you from t hose i»gfej_ t hat gro w 

MTich fiar3erj £"■ t Re'^g^ry|j~ _^^w ^ • 

But ITno^afeacI" cari cooT'your Courage, 

From vent'ring on that Dragon, Marriage ; 

Yet give me garter, and advance 

To nobler aims, your Puissance : 

Level at Beauty, and at Wit, 

The fairest mark is easiest hit. 

Quoth Hudibras, I'm before-hand 
In that already, with your command : 
For where does Beauty, and high Wit, 
But in your Constellation, meet ? 

Quoth she, What does a Match imply, 
But likeness and equality ? 
I know you cannot think me fit, 
To be th' Yoke-fellow of your Wit : 
Nor take one of so mean Deserts, 
To be the Partner of your Parts ; 
A Grace, which if I could believe, 
I've not the conscience to receive. 

That Conscience, Quoth Hudibras, 
Is mis-inform'd ; I'll state the Case. 
A man may be a Legal Donor 
Of any thing whereof he's Owner ; 
And may confer it where he lists, 
I' th' Judgment of all Casuists : 
Then Wit, and Parts, and Falor ma) 
Be ali'nated^ and made away, 
By those that are Prop[r']ietors ; 
As I may give or sell my Horse. 

Quoth she, I grant the Case is true, 
And proper 'twixt your Horse and you ; 
But whether I may take, as well 
As you may give away, or sell ? 
Buyers you know are bid beware ; 
And worse than Thieves Receivers are. 
How shall I answer Hue and Cry, 

ia2 



SECOND PART, CANTO I 

For ^ Ro an-Geldings twelve hands high : 

Allspurr'd'and switch'd, a Lock on's hoof, 

A sorrel-mane ? can I bring proof, 

Where, when, by whom, and what y' are sold for, 

And in the open Market toU'd for? 

Or should I take you for a stray. 

You must be kept a year and day 

(Ere I can own you) here i' th' pound. 

Where, if y' are sought, you may be found : 

And in the mean time I must pay 

For all your Provender and Hay. 

Quoth he. It stands me much upon 
T' enervate this OhjeSiion^ 
And pr ove niy self, by 'Topic clear, 
No Trg^/wy, a^~yo u wou!3~Infen 
toss of FirilitJYsY~Sverr'<r 
To be the cause of loss of Beard, 
That does (like Embryo in the womb) 
Abortive on the Chin become. ' 

This first a Woman did invent. 
In envy of Mans ornament. 
Semiramis of Babylon, 
Who first of all cut men o' th' Stone : 
To mar their Beards, and laid foundation 
Of Sow-geldering operation. 
Look on this Beard, and tell me whether. 
Eunuchs [wear] such, or Geldings either. 
Next it appears, I am no Horse, 
That I can argue, and discourse. 
Have but two legs, and ne'er a tail. 

Quoth she. That nothing will avail ; 
For some Philosophers of late here. 
Write, Men have four legs by Nature, 
And that 'tis Custom makes them go 
Erroneously upon but two ; 
As 'twas in Germany made good, 
B' a Boy, that lost himself in a Wood; 
And growing down t' a man, was wont 
With Wolves upon all four to hunt. 
As for your reasons drawn from tayls. 



123 



HUDIBRAS 

We cannot say, they 'are true or false, 
Till you explain your self, and show, 
B' experirhent, 'tis so or no. 

Quoth he, If you'll join issue ont't, 
I'll give you satisfadlory account ; 
So you will promise, if you lose. 
To settle all, and be my Spouse. 

That never. . will be done (quoth she) 
To one that wants a Tayl, ,byme_: 
For Tayls byTSatureTlure were meant, 
As well as Beards^ for ornament : 
And though the Vulgar count them homely, 
In man or beast, they are so comely. 
So Gentee, Allamode, and handsom, 
I'll never marry man that wants one : 
And till you~carr demonstrate plain 
You have one equal to your Mane, 
I'll be torn piece-meal by a Horse, 
Ere I'll take you for better or worse. 
The Prince of Cambay's daily food. 
Is Aspe, Basilisque, and Toad, 
Which makes him have so strong a breath, 
Each night he stinks a ^een to death ; 
Yet I shall rather lie in's Arms, 
Than yours, on any other tearms. 

Quoth he, What Nature can afford, 
I shall produce upon my word ; 
And if she ever gave that boon 
To man, I'll prove that I have one ; 
I mean, by postulate Illation, 
When you shall offer just occasion ; 
But since y' have yet deny'd to give 
My Heart, your Prisoner, a Reprieve, 
But made it sink down to my heel, 
Let that at least your pity feel. 
And for the sufferings of your Martyr, 
(jive its poor Entertainer quarter; 
And by Discharge, or Main-prise grant 
Delivery from this base Restraint. 

Quoth she, I grieve to see your Leg 



124 



SECOND PART, CANTO I 

Stuck in a hole here like a Peg, 

And if I knew which way to do't, 

(Your Honor safe) I'd let you out. 

That Dames by jail-delivery 

Of Errant Knights have been set free, 

When by Enchantment they have been, 

And sometimes for it too, laid in ; 

Is that which Knights are bound to do 

By Order, Oath, and Honor too : 

For what are they renown d and famous else 

But aiding of distress'd Damosels ? 

But for a Lady no ways Errant, 

To free a Knight, we have no w[a]rrant 

In "any Authentical Romance, 

Or Classic Author yet of France : 

An J I'd be loath to have you break 

Xn]^ ancient Custom for a freak, 

Or Innovation introduce 

In place of things of antique use ; 

To free your heels by any course, 

That <|pight b' unwholesome to your Spurs : 

Which if I should consent unto, 

It is not in my power to do ; 

For 'tis a service must be done ye. 

With solemn previous Ceremony. 

Which always has been us'd t' untie 

The Charms of those who here do lie ; 

For as the Ancients heretofore 

To Honor's Temple had no dore, 

But that which thorough Virtue's lay ; 

So, from this Dungeon, there's no way 

To honoured freedom, but by passing 

That other Virtuous School of Lashing, 

Where Knights are kept in narrow lists. 

With wooden Lockets 'bout their wrists, 

In which they for a while are Tenants, 

And for their Ladies suffer Penance : 

Whipping, that's Virtues Governess, 

Tutress of Arts and Sciences ; 

That mends the gross mistakes of Nature, 



125 



s 



HDDIBRAS 

And puts new life into dull matter; 
That lays foundation for Renown, 
And all the honors of the Gown : 
Thus sufFer'd, they are set at large, 
And freed with honor'ble discharge : 
Then in their Robes the Penitentials, 
Are straight presented with Credentials, 
And in their way attended on 
By Magistrates of every Town ; 
And all respeft and charges paid, 
They're to their ancient Seats convey'd. 
Now if you'll venture for my sake, 
To try the toughness of your back. 
And suffer (as the rest have done) 
The laying of a Whipping on, 
(And may you prosper in your suit. 
As you with equal vigor do't) 
I here engage to be your Bail, 
And free you from th' Unknightly yail. 
But since our Sex's modesty 
Will not allow I should be by. 
Bring me on Oath, a fair account, 
And honor too, when you have don't ; 
And I'll admit you to the place. 
You claim as due in my good grace. 
If Matrimony and Hanging go 
By Dest'ny, why not fVhipping too? 
What med'cine else can cure the fits 
Of Lovers when they lose their Wits ? 
Love is a Boy, by Poets styl'd. 
Then Spare the Rod, and spill the Child. 
A Persian Emp'ror whipp'd his Grannum 
The Sea, his Mother f^enus came on ; 
And hence some Rev'rend men approve 
Of Rosemary in making Love. 
As skilful Coopers hoop their Tubs 
With Lydian and with Phrygian Dubs; 
Why may not Whipping have as good 
A Grace, perform'd in Time and Mood ; 
With comely movement, and by Art, 



SECOND PART, CANTO I 

Raise Passion in a Lady's heart ? 

It is an easier way, to make 

Love by, than that which many take. 

Who would not rather suffer Whipping, 

Than swallow Toasts of bits of Ribbin ? 

Make wicked Verses, Treats, and Faces, 

And spell Names over, with Beer-glasses ? 

Be under Vows to hang and die 

Lofves Sacrifice, and all a lie ? 

With China-Oranges and Tarts, 

And whining Plays, lay baits for Hearts ? 

Bribe Chamber-maids with love and money. 

To break no Roguish jeasts upon ye ; 

For Lilies limn'd on Cheeks, and Roses, 

With painted perfiimes, hazard Noses ? 

Or vent'ring to be brisk and wanton. 

Do Penance in a Paper Lanthom ? 

AU this you may compound for, now 

By suff'ring what I offer you : 

Which is no more than has been done. 

By Knights for Ladies long agone : 

Did not the Grrat La Mancha d o so, 

Fof^^^^^^ntaTjeTT^boso ? 

Did" not th "Ulustnous ^Swa'niake 

Himself a Slave for Missis sake ? 

And with Bulls Pizle, for her love. 

Was taw'd as gentle as a Glove ? 

Was not young Florio sent (to cool 

His flame from Biancafiore) to School, 

Where Pedant made his Pathick Bum 

For her sake suffer Martyrdom ? 

Did not a certain Lady whip, 

Of late, her Husband's own Lordship ? 

And though a Grandee of the House, 

Clawd him with Fundamental blows, 

Ty'd him stark-naked to a Bed-post, 

And firk'd his hide as if sh' had rid post ; 

And after in the Sessions-Court, 

Where Whippings judg'd, had honor for't ? 

This swear you will perform, and then 



127 



HUDIBRAS 

I'll set you from th' Inchanted Den, 
And the Magician Circle clear. 

Quoth he, I do profess and swear. 
And will perform what you enjoyn, 
Or may I never see you mine. 

Amen (quoth she) Then turn'd about, 
And bid her Squire let him out. 
But ere an Artist could be found 
T' undo the Charms another bound, 
The Sun grew low, and left the Skies, 
Put down (some write) by Ladies eyes. 
The Moon pull'd ofF her veil of Light, 
That hides her face by day from sight, 
(Mysterious Veil, of brightness made. 
That's "both" her lustre, "and her shade) 
Arid" in the Night as freely shon. 
As if her Rays had been her own : 
For Darkness is the proper Sphere, 
Where all false Glories use t' appear. 
The twinkling Stars b egan to ip uster, 
And glitter with their [borrowY^^^^^ 
While Sleep the weary*d'*?FJrS'T«nev'd, 
By counterfeiting Death reviv'd. 
Our Fot'ry thought it best t' adjorn 
His Whipping-penznce till the morn. 
And not to carry on a Wori 
Of such importance, in the Dark, 
With erring haste, but rather stay. 
And do't i' th' open face of Day; 
And in the mean time, go in quest 
Of next Retreat to take his Rest. 



128 



SECOND PART, CANTO II 



cjNro II. 



THE 
ARGUMENT. 

The Knight and Squire in hot Dispute, 

Within an Ace of falling out; 

Are parted with a sudden fright 

Of strange Alarm, and stranger Sight ; 

With which adventuring to stickle. 

They 're sent away in nasty pickle. 



"Tp*Is strange how some men's Tempers suit 
X (Like Bawd and Brandee) with Dispute, 
That for their own Opinions stand fast, 
Only to have them claw'd and canvast. 
That kept their Consciences in Cases, 
As Fidlers do their Crowds and Bases, 
Ne'er to be us'd but when they're bent 
To play a fit for Argument. 
Make true and false, unjust and just. 
Of no use but to be discust. 
Dispute and set a Paradox, 
Like a strait Boot upon the Stocks, 
And stretch it more unmercifully, 
ThanHelmont^^^ 

So th'~antiSir'S?9lf?rTnthei?Pordi, 
With fierce dispute maintain'd their Church, 
Beat out their Brains in fight and study, 

I 129 



HUDIBRAS 

To prove that Virtue is a Body, 

That Bonum is an Animal, 

Made good with stout Polemique Braul : 

In which, some hundreds on the place 

Were slain outright, and many a fece 

Retrench'd of Nose, and Eyes, and Beard, 

To maintain what their Se£f averr'd. 

All which the Knight and Squire in wrath 

Had like t' have suffer'd for their faith ; 

Each striving to make good his own, 

As by the sequel shall be shown. 

The Sun had long since in the Lap 

Of Thetis, taken out his Nap, 

And like a Lobster boyl'd, the Morn 

From black to red began to turn. 

When Hudibras, whom thoughts and aking 
'Twixt sleeping kept all night, and waking, 
Began to rouse his drousie eyes. 
And from his Couch prepar'd to rise ; 
Resolving to dispatch the Deed 
He vow'd to do, with trusty speed. 
But first, with knocking loud and hauling. 
He rous'd the Squire, in Truckle lolling, 
And, after many Circumstances, 
Which vulgar Authors in Romances, 
Do use to spend their time and wits on, 
To make impertinent Description ; 
They got (with much ado) to Horse, 
And to the Castle bent their Course, 
In which he to the Dame before 
To suffer whipping Duty swore : 
Where now arriv'd, and half unharnest. 
To carry on the work in earnest. 
He stopp'd and paus'd upon the sudden, 
And with a serious forehead plodding. 
Sprung a new Scruple in his head, 
Which first he scratch'd and after sed ; 
Whether it be direft infringing 
An Oath, if I should wave this swinging. 
And what I've sworn to bear, forbear. 



130 



SECOND PART, CANTO II 

And so b' Equivocation swear ; 

Or whether 't be a lesser Sin, 

To be forsworn, than ail the thing, 

Are deep and subtle points, which must, 

T' inform my Conscience, be discust, 

In which to err a little, may 

To errors infinite make way : 

And therefore I desire to know 

Thy Judgment, ere we farther go. 

Quoth Ralpho, since you do injoin't 
I shall enlarge upon the Point. 
And for my own part do not doubt 
Th' Affirmative may be made out. 
But first to state the Case aright. 
For best advantage of our light : 
And thus 'tis : Whether 't be [a] Sin, 
To claw and curry your own skin 
Greater, or less, than to forbear. 
And that you are forsworn, forswear. 
But first, o' th' first : The Inward Man, 
And Outward, like a Clan and Clan, 
Have always been at Daggers-drawing, 
And one another Clapper-clawing : 
Not that they really cufF or fence. 
But in a Spiritual Mistique sence, 
Which to mistake, and make 'em squabble. 
In literal fray, 's abhominable ; 
'Tis Heathenish, in frequent use, 
With Pagans, and Apostate Jews, 
To offer Sacrifice of Bridewels : 
Like modern Indians to their Idols, 
And mungrel Christians of our times, 
That expiate less with greater Crimes, 
And call the foul Abhomination, 
Contrition, and Mortification. 
Is't not enough w're bruis'd and kicked. 
With sinful members of the wicked ; 
Our Vessels, that are sanSlifi'd, 
ProfarCd and curried, back and side ; 
But we must claw our selves, with shamefiil, 

I 2 131 



HUDIBRAS 



And Heathen stripes, by their example ? 

Which (were there nothing to forbid it) 

Is impious because they did it. 

This therefore may be justly reckon'd 

A heinous sin. Now to the second, 

That Saints may claim a Dispensation 

To swear and forswear on occasion ; 

I doubt not, but it will appear. 

With pregnant ligjij. The point is clear. 

Oaths^zre^hj^^^^^SjJmAwords but wind^ 

Toofcebk_Tm]^ements~tow«^ 

And _hoI3"witli deeds_ proportion,_so 

Aswtf^ow7~to''a~raw?^«c?~3o^ 

Then w'hen~'they'sfrive^for~^Z!7c^, 'tis fit 

TheJjt!^|£r_F£fi:j?7^^ 

ATtHough your Church be opposite 

To ours, as Black Friers are to White, 

In Rule and Order: Yet I grant 

You are a Reformado Saint ; 

And what the Saints do claim as due, 

You may pretend a Title to : 

But Saints, whom Oaths or Vows oblige. 

Know little of their Priviledge; 

Farther (I mean) than carrying on 

Some self-advantage of their own. 

For if the Z>gi>y , _to serve his turn, 

CaiTL teif~Truth ^w^hiy^theotf^«?i should scorn, 



When It serves 

Ijhi^Tl _ 

Else h' has a greater pow'r than they. 

Which 'twere impiety to say. 

W' are not commanded to forbear, 

Indefinitely, at all to swear. 

But to swear idly; and in vain. 

Without self-interest or gain. 

For, breaking of an Oath, and Lying, 

Is but a kind of Self-denying, 

A Saint-like virtue, and from hence, 

Some have broke Oaths by Providence : 

Some, to the Glory of the Lord, 



theirs, Xa swear^^n^ 
RttleTeason_why ; 



132 



SECOND PART, CANTO II 

Perjur'd themselves, and broke their word : 

And this, the constant Rule and PraSlise 

Of all our late Apostles A£ls is. 

Was not the Cause at first begun 

With Perjury, and carry'd on ? 

Was there an Oath the Godly took, 

But, in due time and place, they broke ? 

Did we not bring our Oaths in first, 

Before our Plate, to have them burst, 

And cast in fitter models, for 

The present use of Church and War ? 

Did not our Worthies of the House, 

Before they broke the Peace, break Vows ? 
'For having freed us, first, from both 

Th' Allegiance and Supremacy Oath ; 
I Did they not, next, compel! the Nation, 

To take, and break the Protestation ? 

To swear, and after to recant 

The Solemn League and Covenant ? 

To take th' Engagement, and disclaim it, 

Enforc'd by those, who first did frame it ? 

Did they not swear at first, to fight 

For the KING's Safety, and His Right ? 

And after march'd to find him out. 

And charg'd him home with Horse and Foot ? 

And yet still had the confidence. 

To swear it was in his defence ? 

Did they not swear to live and die 

With Essex, and streight laid him by? 

If that were all, for some have swore 

As false as they, if th' did no more. 

Did they not swear to maintain Law, 

In which that swearing made a Flaw ? 

For Protestant Religion Vow, 

That did that Vowing disallow ? 

For Priviledge of Parliament, 

In which that swearing made a Rent ? 

And, since, of all the three, not one 

Is left in being, 'tis well known. 

Did they not swear, in express words; 



'33 



HUDIBRAS 



To prop and back the House of Lords ? 
And after turn'd out the whole House-ful 
Of Peers., as dang'rous, and unuseful ? 
So Cromwel with deep Oaths and Fows, 
Swore all the Commons out o' th' House., 
Vow'd that the Red-coats would disband, 
I marry would they at their Command. 
And troul'd'em on, and swore., and swore., 
Till th' Army turn'd 'em out of Door ; 
This^tella^us^gl ainly, what th ey__thgiight, 
TnatJOa^Af and iw^«r2W£_goes__for_nou^t. 
And thar"E)rTKem"~rfr^~vm^eoneiyin^^ 
To serve for an Expedient. 
What was the Publick Faith found out for, 
But to slur men of what they fought for ? 
The P ublick Faith, w hich_evlry ope 
Is~bounJ~t' observ^" yetkeptby none ; 
AnTTTlliar'go'^Fn^hingT^wh^"" 
"SHouI^^rPrnJaTFTa/VA "Have sucha tye? 
''~t7flif2?~we?B"Tiot~purpos'3 inbre^tfian Law, 
To keep the Good and Just in aw. 
But to confine the Bad and Sinful, 
Like Moral Cattle in a Pinfold. 
A_^«i«/]s_jaf_ALJiMyenly,^R^alm_a_^^ 
And as no Peer is bound to swear, 
ButoiTthe Gospel pi imJHonor^ 
OfwEiSi he may dispose^as Owner ; 
It follows, though the thing be forgery. 
And false, th' affirm^ it is" njfT^^^r^, 
But a mere Ceremony, and a breach 
Of nothing, but-a form of speech, 
And goes for no more when 'tis took. 
Than mere saluting of the Book. ^~' 
Suppose the Scriptures are of force. 
They 're but Commissions of Course, 
And Saints haye freedom to digress, 
And vary from 'em as they please ; 
Or_ misinterpret them, 'by private 
InstruSiions, to all Aims they drive at. 
Then why should we our selves abridge 



i34 



SECOND PART, CANTO II 

And Curtail our own Priviledge ? 

fakers (that like to Lanthorns, bear 

Their light within 'em) will not swear. 

Their Gospel is an Jccidence, 

By which they construe Conscience, 

And hold no sin so deeply red. 

As that of breaking Priscian's head ; 

(The Head and Founder of their Order, 

That stirring Hats held worse than murder) 

These thinking th' are obliged to Troth 

In swearing, will not take an Oath; 

Like JVIules, who if th' have not their will 

To keep their own pace, stand stock still ; 

But they are weak, and little know 

What Free-born Consciences may do, 

'Tis the temptation of the Devil, 

That makes all humane actions evil : 

For 5««W^jnay_do_the_^me_things by 

"T^^pirit, m Syncerity, 

Whicir^mKeF~men_are tejnpted to, 

An? at the JDevils instance do ; 

And yet the Aftions be contrary, 

Just as the'^aints and Wicked vary. 

For as oiTTarw there is 'w~B7ast, 

BurTn~so5ie^2JF~ar^a's "Surest j 

ScrTrPthe"'^^7?i??2' there's rib Tlce, 

or which the 'Saints have not a spice ; 

An3^ yet jhat thing that's pious jn 

The one, in th' other is a Sin. 

Is't not Ridiculous, and Nonsence, 

A Saint should be a slave to Consciences' 

That ought to be above such Fancies, 

As far, as above Ordinances, 

She's of the Wicked, as I guess, 

B' her looks, her language, and her dress, ^ 

And though, like Constables, we search 

For false Wares, one anothers Church: 

Yet all of us hold this for true, 

No Fa ith i s t o the wi cked due ; 

For ''1 ruth is Precwus and Uivine, 



ns 



HUDIBRAS 

Too rich a Pearl for Carnal Swine, 

Quoth Hudibrl^als, All this is true, 
Yet 'tis not fit that all men knew 
Those Mysteries and Revelations ; 
And therefore Topical Evasions 
Of subtle Turns, and Shifts of sence. 
Serve best with th' Wicked for pretence, 
Such as the learned Jesuits use. 
And Presbyterians, for excuse. 
Against the Protestants, when th' happen 
To find their Churches taken napping. 
As thus : A breach of Oath is Duple, 
And either way admits a scruple. 
And may be ex parte of the Maker, 
More criminal, than the injur'd Taker. 
For he that strains too far a Vow, 
Will break it like an' o'er-bent Bow : 
And he that made, and forc'd it, troke it. 
Not he that for convenience took it : 
A broken Oath^ is, quatenST~Uath, 
As sound t' all purposes of Troth, 
As broken Laws are ne'er the worse, 
Nay till th' are broken, have no force. 
What's Justice to a man, or Laws, 
That never comes within their Claws ? 
They have no pow'r, but to admonish. 
Cannot controul, coerce, or punish. 
Until they 're broken, and then touch 
Those only that do make them such. 
Beside, no Engagement isallow'd, 
B y. men \n Prtsm^maSeCfSl ^oo^ ; 
Forwhen they 're .jgtgt^grjy, 

They_ii:g_iicasLJthL^£ g^gggwg«£ tQ a,_§E.t jree : 

The Rabbins write, when any/m; 
Did make to God, or Man, a Vow, 
Which afterward he found untoward. 
And stubborn to be kept, or too hard j 
Any three other Jews o' th' Nation, 
Might free him from the Obligation: 
And have not two Saints pow'r to use, 

136 



SECOND PART, CANTO II 

A greater Priviledge than three fews ? 
The Court of Co>is£cyence, which Jn Alan 
Should be supream and Soveraim : 
IsJJnt, jhouldjbe ja^ar^wa^f, 
Toe^riy_pett^ Gourt i' th' State, 
And "Have less Power thanthe_^H?r, 
TV^ed~with]^^r^^3ll3i^ure? 
Have~it's "proceedings disallow'd, or 
Allow'd, at fency of Py-powder? 
Tell all it does, or does not know, 
For swearing ex Officio? 
Be forc'd t' impeach a broken hedge, 
And Pigs unring'd at Vis. Franc. Pledge. 
Discover Thievees, and Bawds, Recusants, 
Priests, TVitches, Eves-droppers, and Nusance ; 
Tell who did play at Games unlawful. 
And who fill'd Pots of Ale but half fiill. 
And have no pow'r at all, nor shift. 
To help it self at a dead lift ? 
Why should not Conscience have Vacation 

Have equal powef^to'adjourn 
Appoint Appearance and Retorn ? 
And make as nice distinctions serve 
To split a Case ; as those that carve 
Invoking Cuckolds names, hit joints. 
Why should not tricks as slight, do points 
Is not the High-Court of "Justice sworn 
To judge that Law that serves their turn ? 
Make their own Jealousies High-Treason, , 
And fix 'em whomsoe'er they please on ? ( 
Cannot the Learned Councel there, 
Make Laws in any shape appear? 
Mould 'em as Witches do their Clay, 
When they make Pictures to destroy ? 
And vex 'em into any form, 
That fits their purpose to do harm ? 
Rack 'em until they do confess. 
Impeach of Treason, whom they please. ' 
And most perfidiously condemn. 



'37 



HUDIBRAS 

Those that engag'd their Lives for them ? 
And yet do nothing in their own sense, 
But what they ought by Oath and Conscience! 
Can they not juggle, and, with slight 
Conveyance, play with wrong and right ; 
And sell their blasts of wind as dear, 
As Lapland Witches botl'd Air? 
Will not Feat\Favor, Bribeyand^Grutch, 



seamen witmhe 
Will sev'ral different courses sail ; 
As when the Sea breaks o'er its bounds. 
And overflows the level grounds ; 
Those Banks and Dams, that like a Screen, 
Did keep it out, now keep it in : 
So vfhen_Tjrannical_JJsurpation 
I^|^s_thejfreedom ofliNation, 
The Laws o' thTLan3That were intended 

Do's notin~Vl5anc'ry ev'ry man swear. 

What makes best for him in his Answer ? 

Is not the winding up Witnesses, 

And nicking more than half the bus'ness ? 

For Witnesses, like Watches, go 

Just as they're set, too fast or slow. 

And where in Conscience, th' are strait lac'd ; 

'Tis ten to one, that side is cast. 

Do not your jfuries give their VerdiSl 

As if they felt the Cause not heard it ? 

And as they please make Matter of Fail 

Run all on one side, as th' are packt ? 

Nature has made Mans breast no Windores, 

To publish what he does within doors ; 

Nor what dark secrets there inhabit. 

Unless his own rash folly blob it. 

If Oaths can do a man no _good, 

IlThis ownfBus'ness,^ why they_shouy 

liTotliier matters do_him hurt, 

l^think there'sTiltre reason for't. 

Hejhat^ imposes an Path, makes it, 



138 



SECOND PART, CANTO II 

Not he, that for cx)nvenience takes_^ it : 

T^^uH^^can aHy'Tnan be" said 

To break an Oath he never made ? 

"Vii^sS^Reasons may peffiaps look odly 

To th' Wicked^ though they evince the Godly ; 

But if they will not serve to clear 

My Honor, I am ne'er the near. 

Honor is like that glassy Bubble 

That finds Philosophers such trouble, 

Whose least part crackt, the whole does fly. 

And Wits are crack'd, to find oui-^si^- 

Quoth Ralpho, Honor's but a AVordJ 
l^os^earby onlvvjO-Aioca^ 
In other men 'tis but a HufF, 
To vapour with, instead of proof, 
That like a Wen, looks big, and swels. 
Is sensless, and just nothing else. 

Letit(guoth he)^ be what it will, 
It HaTTKe 7F«?7^ opinion still. 
~EvX aTTtleh are not Wise that run 
The slightest hazard, they may shun : 
There may a Medium be found out 
To clear to all the World the doubt ; 
And thatis^ jfa man may do't 
liy_jV^^IwhTptj_^Su^itSer 

Though nice, and -dairk the Point appear, 
(Quoth Ralph) it may hold up and clear. 
That Sinners may supply the place 
Of suflF'ring Saints is a plain Case. 
Justice gives Sentence, many times, 
On one man for another's Crimes, 
Out JSre^\reiio{_Nnv^;^En£^and use 
CKoice^]^[«^^§£rf_ to excuse. 
And J}ang_^^tlQufltless in their stead. 
Of whom the Churches ISve less^need. 
As lately~~'niappen'd \~~m~& Town, 
There liv'd a Cobler, and but one. 
That out of DoSirine could cut Use, 
And mend mens Lives as well as Shooes, 
This precious Brother having slain. 



139 



HUDIBRAS 

In times of Peace, an Indian, 
(Not out of Malice but mere Zeal 
Because he was an Infidel) 
The mighty Tottipottymoy 
Sent to our Elders an Envoy, 
Complaining sorely of the Breach, 
Of League, held forth by Brother Patch, 
Against the Articles in force 
Between both Churches, his and ours : 
For which he crav'd the Saints to render 
Into his hands, or hang th' Offender : 
But they maturely having weigh'd, 
They had no more but him o' th' Trade, 
(A man, that serv'd them in a double 
Capacity, to Teach, and Cobble) 
Resolv'd to spare him, yet to do 
The Indian Hoghan Moghan too 
Impartial justice, in his stead did 
Hang an old Weaver that was Bed-rid. 
Then wherefore may not you be skip'd, 
And in your room another whip'd: 
For^ l Philosoph ers^\\t t\i& Sceptick , 
Holi'yP'hipping pasiy~^ Sympathetic}. ^ 

It is enough. Quoth 'tiudibras. 
Thou hast resolv'd, and clear'd the Case, 
And canst in Conscience, not refuse. 
From thy own Do£frine, to raise Use : 
I know thou wilt not (for my sake) 
Be tender-Conscienc'd of thy back : 
Then strip thee of thy Carnal Jerkin, 
And give thy outward-fellow a ferking. 
For when thy Vessel, is new hoofd. 
All Leaks of sinning will be stop'd. 

Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter. 
For in all Scruples of this Nature, 
No man includes himself, nor turns 
The Point upon his own Concerns. 
As no man of his own self catches 
The Itch, or amorous French aches : 
So no man does himself convince 



140 



SECOND PART, CANTO II 

By his^ owji Do£lrine of his Sins. 

And_th^ghIa II "crv^d own~^/j ^none me^ "" 

HIT own sel£jn a Ij ieral Sense. 

Beside, it is not only Foppish, 

But Vile, Idolatrous, and Popish, -— 

For one man, out of his own Skin, 

To frisk and whip another's Sin : 

As Pedants out of School-boys breeches. 

Do claw and curry their own Itches. 

But in this Case it is profane. 

And sinful too, because in vain : 

For we must take our _Q g^f__up^n.it, 

' imdiS~the(aeeq^when I have done it. 

Quoth Hudibras, That's answer'd soon -, 
Give us the Whip, we'll lay it on. 

Quoth Ralpho, That we may swear true, 
'Twere properer that I whip'd you : 
For when with your consent 'tis done. 
The An is really your own. 

Quoth Hudibras, It is in vain 
(I see) to argue 'gainst the grain ; 
Or, like the Stars, incline men to. 
What they're averse themselves to do, 
For when Disputes are weari'd out, 
'Tis Interest still resolves the doubt. 
But since no reason can confute ye, 
I'll try to force you to your Duty ; 
For so it is, how e'er you mince it, 
As ere we part I shall evince it ; 
And curry (if you stand out) whether 
You will or no, your stubborn Leather. 
Canst thou refuse to bear thy part, 
r [th'] publick Work, base as thou art? 
To higgle thus, for a iew blows. 
To gain thy Knight an opulent Spouse ? 
Whos e iv^olth h is bowels jycrn to purchase. 
Merely^ for tP^lnterest o fThe Churc^esi 
AndwHenTie has it^TnTiis claws, ' 

Will not be hide-bound to the Cause ; 
Nor shalt thou find him a Curmudgin, 



141 



HUDIBRAS 

If thou dispatch it without grudging : 
If not, resolve before we go, 
That you and I must pull a Crow. 

Y' had best (quoth Ralpho) as the Antients 
Say wisely. Have a care a' tF main chance^ 
And look before you ere you leap ; 
For^ as you sow, you are like to reap. 
And were y' as good as George a Green, 
I shall make bold to turn agen ; 
Nor am I doubtful of the Issue 
In a just parrel; and mine is so. 
Is't fitting for a man of Honor, 
To whip the Saints like Bishop Bonner, 
A Knight t' usurp the Beadles Office, 
For which y' are like to raise brave Trophies : 
But I advise you (not for fear, 
But for your own sake) to forbear. 
And for the Churches, which may chance 
From hence, to spring a variance ; 
And raise among themselves new Scruples, 
Whom common danger hardly couples. 
Remember how in Arms and Politicks, 
We still have worsted all your holy Tricks, 
Trappan'd your party with Intregue, 
And took your Grandees down a peg, 
New-modell'd th' Army, and Cashier'd 
All that to Legion SMEC adher'd. 
Made a mere Utensil o' your Church 
And after left it in the lurch, 
A Scaffold to build up our own. 
And when w' had done with't, pull'd it down. 
O'er-reach'd your Rabbins of the Synod 
And snap'd their Cannons with a Why-not. 
(Grave Synod-men that were rever'd 
For solid Face and depth of Beard) 
Their Classique-model prov'd a Maggot, 
Their Directory an Indian Pagod. 
And drown'd their Discipline like a Kitten, 
On which th' had been so long a sitting; 
Decry'd it as a Holy Cheat, 

142 



SECOND PART, CANTO II 

Grown out of Date, and Obsolete, 
And all the Saints o' the first Grass, 
As Casting Feles of Balams Ass. 

At this the Knight grew high in Chafe, 
And staring furiously on Ralphs 
He trembl'd and lookt pale with Ire, 
Like Ashes first, then Red as Fire. 
Have I (quoth he) been ta'en in fight. 
And for so many Moons lay'n by't ; 
And when all other means did fail, 
Have been exchang'd for Tubs of Ale : 
Not but they thought me worth a Ransom, 
Much more considerable and handsom. 
But for their own sakes, and for fear. 
They were not safe, when I was there ? 
Now to be baffl'd by a Scoundrel, 
An upstart Seii'ry and z Mungrel, 
SucIT^^Breed "oiit of peccant^ humors 
OTour own Church,^ikeff^ens, and JTumors 
AndTike a Maggot in a Bore, ~~ 
Would that which .gave_it Hfe,_devour. 
It never shall be done, nor said : 
With that he seiz'd upon his Blade. 
And Ralpho too, as quick, and bold, 
Upon his Basket-hilt laid hold. 
With equal readiness prepar'd 
To draw, and stand upon his Guard. 
When both were parted on the sudden. 
With hideous clamour, and a loud one, 
As [i]f all sorts of Noise had been 
Contra<Eled into one loud Din ; 
Or that some Member to be chosen. 
Had got the odds above a Thousand; 
And by the greatness of his noise, 
Prov'd fittest for his Countreys choice. 
This strange surprisal put the Knight, 
And wrathful Squire into a fright ; 
And though they stood prepar'd, with fatal. 
Impetuous rancour, to join Battel; 
Both though[t] it was their wisest course, 

H3 



HUDIBRAS 

To wave the Fight, and mount to Horse ; 

And to secure, by swift retreating, 

Themselves from danger of worse beating. 

Yet neither of them would disparage, 

By utt'ring of his mind, his Courage, 

Which made 'em stoutly keep their groum 

With horror and disdain, wind-bound. 

And now the cause of all their y^ar. 

By slow degrees approach'd so near. 

They might distinguish difPrent noise 

Of Horns, and Pans, and Dogs, and Boys, 

And Kettle Drums, whose sullen Dub 

Sounds like the hooping of a Tub : 

But when the Sight appear'd in view. 

They found it was an antique Show, 

A Triumph, that for Pomp, and State, 

Did proudest Romans emulate ; 

For as the Aldermen of Rome 

For foes at Training overcome. 

And not enlarging Territory, 

(As some mistaken write in Story) 

Being mounted in their best Aray, 

Upon a Carre, and who but they ? 

And foUow'd with a world of Tall Lads, 

That merry Ditties trol'd, and Ballads; 

Did ride, with many a good morrow. 

Crying, hey for our Town through the Burrough . 

So when this Triumph drew so nigh. 

They might particulars descry. 

They never saw two things so Pat, 

In all respefts, as this, and that. 

First he that led the Cavalcate, 

Wore a Sowgelder's Flagellate, 

On which he blew so strong a Levet, 

As well fee'd Lawyer on his Breviate. 

When over one another's heads 

They charge (three Ranks at once) like Suedes. 

Next Pans, and Kettles of all keys. 

From Trebles down to double-Base, 

And after them upon a Nag, 



144 



SECOND PART, CANTO II 

That might pass for a forehand Stag, 

A Cornet rode, and on his Staff, 

A Smock display'd, did proudly wave. 

Then Bagpipes of the loudest Drones, 

With snuffing broken-winded tones ; 

Whose blasts of Air in Pockets shut, 

Sound filthier than from the Gut, 

And make a viler noise than Swine 

In windy-weather, when they whine. 

Next, one upon a pair of Panniers, 

Full fraught with that, which for good manners 

Shall here be nameless, mixt with Grains 

Which he dispenc'd among the Swains, 

And busily upon the Crowd, 

At random round about bestow'd. 

Then mounted on a horned Horse, 

One bore a Gauntlet and Gilt-spurs, 

Ty'd to the Pummel of a long Sword, 

He held reverst the point turn'd downward. 

Next after, on a raw-bon'd Steed, 

The Conqueror's Standard-bearer rid. 

And bore aloft before the Champion 

A Petticoat displaid, and Rampant ; 

Near whom the Ama%on triumphant 

Bestrid her Beast, and on the Pump on't 

Sate Face to Tayl, and Bum to Bum, 

The Warrier whilome overcome ; 

Arm'd with a Spindle and a Distaff, 

Which as he rode, she made him twist ofFj 

And when he loiter'd, o'er her Shoulder, 

Chastiz'd the Reformado Souldier. 

Before the Dame, and round about, 

March'd Whiflers, and Staffers on foot, 

With Lacquies, Grooms, Valets, and Pages, 

In fit and proper equipages ; 

Of whom, some Torches bore, some Links, 

Before the proud Virago-Minx, 

That was both Madam, and a Don, 

Like Nero's Sporus, or Pope Jone ; 

And at fit Periods the whole Rout 



145 



HUDIBRAS 

Set up their throats with clam'rous shout. 
The Knight transported, and the Squire 
Put up their Weapons, and their Ire; 
And Hudibras, who us'd to ponder 
On such Sights, with judicious wonder. 
Could hold no longer to impart 
His Animadversions, for his Heart. 

Quoth he. In all my life till now, 
I ne'er saw so prophane a Show. 
It is a Paganish invention. 
Which Heathen Writers often mention : 
And he, who made it, had read Goodwin 
(I warrant him) and understood him : 
With all the Grecians Speeds and Stows : 
That best describe those Antient Shows, 
And_has observ'd ^ 11 fA Decorums, 
W£j^3ldescribM] jyqIH~H ?rfang«j. 
For as a Roman Conqueror, 
That put an end to forrain If^ar, 
Ent'ring the Town in Triumph for it. 
Bore a Slave with him, in his Chariot : 
So this insulting Female Brave, 
Carries behind her here, a Slave, 
And as the Ancients long ago, 
When they in field defy'd the foe. 
Hung out their Mantles della Guer ; 
So her proud Standard-bearer here. 
Waves, on his Spear, in dreadful manner, 
A Tyrian-Petl^tlicoat for a Banner: 
Next Links, and Torches, heretofore 
Still born before the Emperor : 
And as in Antique Triumphs, Eggs 
Were born for mystical intregues ; 
There's one in Truncheon, like a Ladle, 
That carries Eggs too, fresh or adle ; 
And still at random, as he goes. 
Among the Rabble-rout bestows. 

Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter; 
For, all th' Antiquity you smatter, 
Is but a Riding, us'd of course. 



146 



SECOND PART, CANTO II 

When the Grey Mares the better Horse. 
When o'er the Breeches greedy Women, 
Fight, to extend their vast Dominion, 
And in the cause impatient Grizel 
Has drubb'd her Husband with Bulls Pizle, 
And brought him under Covert-Baron, 
To turn her Vassail with a Murrain ; 
When Wives their Sexes shift, like Hares, 
And ride their Husbands, like Night-Mares, 
And they in mortal Battle vanquish'd, 
Are of their Charter dis-enfranchis'd, 
And by the right of War, like Gils, 
Condemn'd to Distaff, Horns, and Wheels; 
For when men by their Wives are Cow'd, 
Their Horns of course are understood. 

Quoth Hudibras, Thou still giv'st sentence 
Impertinently, and against sense. 
'Tis not the least disparagement. 
To be defeated by th' event : 
No[r] to be beaten by main force. 
That does not make a man the worse, 
Although his shoulders, with Batoon, 
Be claw'd and cudgell'd to some tune ; 
A Taylers Prentice has no hard 
Measure, that's bang'd with a true yard : 
But to turn Tail, or run away. 
And without blows give up the Day; 
Or to surrender ere the Assault, 
That's no man's fortune, but his fault : 
And renders men of Honor less 
Than all th' Adversity of Success, 
And only unto such this Shew 
Of Horns, and Petticoats, is due. 
There is a lesser Profanation, 
Like that the Romans call'd Ovation, 
For as Ovation was allow'd 
For Conquest, purchas'd without blood, 
So men decree those lesser Shows, 
For FiSt'ry gotten without blows. 
By dint of sharp hard words, which some 

K 2 147 



HUDIBRAS 

Give Battle with, and overcome ; 
These mounted in a Chair Curule, 
Which Moderns call a Cucking-stool, 
March proudly to the River's side, 
And o'er the Waves in Triumph ride. 
Like Dukes of Venice, who are sed 
The Adriatique Sea to wed, 
And have a gentler JVife, than those. 
For whom the State decrees those Shows. 
But both are Heathenish and come 
From th' Whores of Babylon and Rome, 
And by the Saints should be withstood, 
As Antichristian and Lewd, 
And we, as such, should now contribute 
Our utmost struglings to prohibite. 

This said, they both advanc'd, and rod, 
A Dog-trot through the bawling Crowd, 
T'attack the Leader, and still prest, 
Till they approach'd him breast to breast. 
Then Hudibras, with face and hand. 
Made signs for Silence, which obtain'd: 
What means (quoth he) this dev'ls Procession 
With men of Orthodox profession ? 
'Tis Ethnique and Idolatrous, 
From Heathenism deriv'd to us. 
Does not the Whore of Babylon ride 
Upon her Horned Beast astride, 
Like this proud Dame, who either is 
A Type of her, or she of this ? 
Are things of Superstitious fun£iion. 
Fit to be us'd in Gospel Sunshine? 
It is an Antichristian Opera, 
Much us'd in midnight times of Popery; 
A running after self-inventions 
Of wicked and profane Intentions; 
To scandalize that Sex, for scolding, 
To whom the Saints are so beholding, 
Women, who were our first Apostles, 
Without whose aid w' had all been lost else ; 
Women, that left no stone unturn'd, 



SECOND PART, CANTO II 

In which the Cause might be concern'd : 

Brought in their Childrens Spoons and Whistles^ 

To purchase Swords, Carbines, and Pistols : 

Their Husbands, Cullies, and Sweet-hearts, 

To take the Saints and Churches parts ; 

Drew several gifted Brethren in, 

That for the Bishops would have been, 

And fix'd them constant to the Party, 

With motives pow'rful and hearty: 

Their Husbands rob'd, and made hard shifts 

T' administer unto their Guifts; 

All they could rap, and run and pilfer. 

To scraps, and ends of Gold and Silver; 

Rub'd down the Teachers, tir'd and spent, 

With holding forth for Parliament; 

Pamper'd and edifi'd their Zeal 

With Marrow-puddings many a JVIeal ; 

Enabled them, with store of meat. 

On controverted Points to eat; 

And cram'd them till their guts did ake. 

With Cawdle, Custard, and Plum-cake, 

What have they done, or what left undone, 

That might advance the Cause^zX London^ 

]V!Ercli'dTanlc~an3~fire, with Drum und^ Ensign, 

T^eMrenchlhe "C?^,_for jigfence,_jnj 

'Kzi^iT'SMmpiers with their own_soft_Jhands, 

'rV'pirrTIii~Enemy^ to standsj 

From Ladies down to Oyster-wenches, 

Labour'd like Pioneers in Trenches, 

Fell to their Pick-axes and Tools, 

And help'd the men to dig like Moles P 

Have not the Handmaids of the City, 

Chosen o' their Members a Committee? 

For raising of a Common-Purse, 

Out of their Wages, to raise Horse? 

And do they not as Triers sit. 

To judge what Officers are fit? 

Have they ? At [that] an Egg, let fly. 

Hit him diredtly o'er the eye. 

And running down his Cheek, besmear'd, 

149 



HUDIBRAS 

With Orange-tawny-slime, his Beard: 

But Beard, and slime being of one Hue, 

The wound the less appear'd in view. 

Then he that on the Panniers rode. 

Let fly o' th' other side a load ; 

And quickly charg'd again, gave fully 

In Ralpho's face, another Volley. 

The Knight was startl'd with the smell. 

And for his sword began to feel: 

And Ralpho smother'd with the stink, 

Grasp'd his : when one that bore a Link, 

O' th' sudden, clap'd his flaming Cudgel, 

Like Linstock, to the Horse's touch-hole; 

And streight another with his Flambeaux, 

Gave Ralpho's, o'er the eyes, a damn'd blow. 

The Beasts began to kick, and fling. 

And forc'd the Rout to make a Ring. 

Through which they quickly broke their way. 

And brought them oflF from further fray ; 

And though disorder'd in Retreat, 

Each of them stoutly kept his seat : 

For quitting both their Swords and Rains, 

They grasp'd with all their strength the manes; 

And to avoid the foes pursuit. 

With spurring put their Cattle to't. 

And till all four were out of wind. 

And danger too, ne'r lookt behind. 

After th' had paus'd a while, supplying 

Their spirits spent with fight and flying, 

And Hudibras recruited force. 

Of Lungs, for aSiion or discourse: 

Quoth he, that man is sure to lose. 
That fouls his hands with durty foes : 
For where no honor's to be gain'd, 
'Tis thrown away in being maintain'd, 
'Twas ill for us, we had to do 
With so dishonorable a Foe : 
For though the Law of Arms does bar 
The use of venom'd shot in War, 
Yet by the nauseous smell, and noisom, 

ISO 



SECOND PART, CANTO II 

Their Case-shot savours strong of poison ; 

And doubtless have been chew'd with teeth 

Of some that had a stinking breath : 

Else when we put it to the push, 

They had not giv'n us such a brush. 

But as those Pultroons that fling durt. 

Do but defile, but cannot hurt ; 

So all the Honor they have won. 

Or we have lost, is much at one. 

'Twas weU we made so resolute 

A braveTCetreat, witl Tout3u?su' t ; 

Forir~weTTad notpwe had sped 

Much worse, to be in Triumph led ; 

Than which, the Ancients held no state, 

Of Man's life more unfortunate. 

But if this bold Adventure e'er 

Do chance to reach the Widows ear, 

It may, b'ing destin'd to assert 

Her Sex's Honor, reach her heart, 

And as such homely Treats (they say) 

Portend good fortune, so this may. 

Vespasian being dawb'd with durt. 

Was destin'd to the Empire for't: 

And from a Scavinger did come 

To be a mighty Prince in Rome: 

And why may not this foul Address 

Presage in Love the same success ? 

Then let us streight to cleanse our wounds, 

Advance in quest of nearest Ponds; 

A nd after ( as we firet desigrCd)^ 

Swear I've "pertoTin'd ^wMt she enjoin'd. 



151 



HUDIBRAS 



CANTO III. 



THE 

ARGUMENT. 

The Knight with various doubts possest 

To win the Lady, goes in ^est 

Of Sidrophel the Rosy-crucian, 

To know the Dest'nies resolution ; 

With whom being met, they both chop Logick 

About the Science Astrologick. 

Till falling from Dispute, to Fight, 

The Conjurer'^ worsted by the Knight. 



DOubtless the pleasure is as great 
Of being cheated, as to cheat. 
As lookers-on feel most delight, 
That least perceive a Juglers slight ; - 

And still the less they" understand. 
The more th' admire his slight of hand. 

Some with a noise, and greasie light, 
Are snapt, as men catch Larks by night ; 
Ensnar'd and hamper'd by th e Soul, — 
As Noozes by the legs catch Foul. 

Some with a Me£dne^ and Receipt, 
Are drawn to nitble at the Bait ; 
And though it be a two-foot Trout, 
'Tis with a single hair pull'd out. 

Others believe no l^oice t' an Organ ; 
So sweet as Lawyer in his Bar-gown. _ 

152 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

Until, with subtle Cobweb-cheats, 
Th' are catch'd in knotted Law^ like Nets: 
In which, when once they are imbrangled, 
The more they stir, the more th're tangled ; 
And whfle their Purses can dispute. 
There's no end of th' immortal Suit. 

Others still gape t* anticipate 
The Cabinet designs of Fate, 
A[^ly to Wlsards to fore-see "" 

What shall, and what shall never be : 
And as those Fulturs do foreboad. 
Believe Events prove bad, or good. 
A _flam m oresei^^_ Aan the Rogue ry 
0{^AAnispicy^ma~X^mrj. 
'ITiatout^of Garb'^^fol Cattle, 
Presag'd th' events of Trtue, or BattU; 
From fli^t of Birds, or Cbickins peeking. 
Success of great'st attempts vrould reckon ; 
Thm^hCheats, yettnoreinteUigftle, 
TEan tE^e' that ■wrS^jSe^'Siar j^ofnbMe. 
This /iaSfo^7~Ey~proofToundtrue, 
As in due time and place we'U shew. 
For He, with Beard and Face made clean. 
Being mounted on his Steed agen, 
(And Ralpbo got a Cock-horse too 
Upon his Beast, •with much ado) 
Advanc'd on for the Widows house, 
T* acquit himself and pay his Fows ; 
When various thoughts b^an to bustle. 
And with his inward man to justle. 
He thought what danger might accrue. 
If she should find he svjore untrue : 
Or, if his Squire, or he should &il, 
And not be piuid:ual in their Tale ; 
It might at once the ruine prove 
Both qS his Honor, Faith, and Love. 
But if he should forbear to go. 
She might conclude h' had broke his l^ow; 
And that he durst not now for shame 
Appear in Court to try his Claim. 



'53 



HUDIBRAS 

This was the Pen'worth of his thought. 
To pass time, and uneasie trot. 

Quoth he, in all my past Adventures, 
I ne'er was set so on the Tenters, 
Or taken tardy with Dilemma, 
That, every way I turn, does hem me ; 
And with inextricable doubt, 
Besets my puzled Wits about : 
For though the Dame has been my Bail, 
To free me from enchanted yail : 
Yet as a Dog committed close 
For some offence, by chance breaks loose, 
And quits his Clog; but all in vain. 
He still draws after him his Chain. 
So though my Ankle she has quitted, 
My Heart continues still committed. 
And like a BayFd and Main-priz'd Lover, 
Although at large, I am bound over. 
And when I shall appear in Court, 
To plead my Cause, and answer for't 
Unless the judge do partial prove, 
What will become of Me and Love? 
For, if in our account we vary. 
Or but in Circumstance miscarry, 
Or if she put me to stricS proof. 
And make me pull my Doublet ofF, 
To shew by evident Record, 
Writ on my skin, I've kept my word : 
How can I e'er expedi to have her. 
Having demurr'd unto her favour ? 
But Faith, and Love, and Honor lost, 
Shall be reduc'd t' a Knight o' tV Post: 
Beside, that Stripping may prevent 
What 1 m to prove by Argument ; 
And Justine I have^a__T««/, 
And jhat way"to5,_my ^rgo/" may fail. 
Or that I couid~enucleatej 
And solve the Problems of my Fate ; 
Or find by Necromantick Art, 
How far the Dest'nies take my part ; 



154 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

For if I were not more than certain, 
To win, and wear her, and her Fortune, 
I'd go no farther in this Courtship, 
To hazard Soul, Estate, and Worship. 
Fo r th ough an Oath obliges^not, 
Where any thing is'to be^ot, 
(Ar thou hast'prov'd,) yet 'tis pro^e 
And sinfuT, when mSn'lwear ^n va ui. 

Qiioth Ralph, Not far from hence"doth dwell 
A cunning man, hight Stdroj^hel^ 
That deals in Destinies dark Counsels, 
And sage Opinions of the Moon sells ; 
To whom all People far and near. 
On deep importances repair. 
When Brass and Pewter hap to stray, 
And Linnen slinks out of the way ; 
When Geese and Pullen are seduc'd, 
And Sows of sucking Pigs are chews'd ; 
When Cattle feel Indisposition, 
And need th' opinion of Physitian ; 
When Murrain reigns in Hogs, or Sheep, 
And Chickens languish of the Pip; 
When Yeast, and outward means do fail. 
And have no pow'r to work on Ale ; 
When Butter does refuse to come, 
And Love proves cross and humor some: 
To him with ^estions, and with Urine, 
They for discov'ry flock, or Curing. 
Quoth Hudibras, This Sidrophel 
I've heard of, and should like it well. 
I f thou canst prove the 5«/w?£_haye_free^Qm, 
TV]^/to~^ar^i?rr^wHen~tHey needJem. 

Sz^s^JR.alphOy^ Ther e's no jioubt of that : 
Those Principles I quoted late. 
Prove that the" Godly tiiay^alledge 
For any thrng~thefr PrtvttM^ ; 
And to the Dev'l himself_may_go. 
If they have~»w??wnHere^ta/ 
For as there is a War between 
The Dev'l and them, it is no Sin, 



155 



HUDIBRAS 

If they, by subtle Stratagem, 

Make use of htm, as he does them. 

Has not this present Parliament 

A Legar to the Devil sent, 

Fully empower'd to Treat about 

Finding revolted Witches out : 

And has not he, within a year, 

Hang'd threescore of them in one Shire ? 

Some only for not being drowrCd^ 

And some for sitting above ground. 

Whole days and nights upon their breeches, 

And feeling pain, were hang'd for Witches. 

And some for putting Knavish tricks 

Upon Green-Geese^ and Turkey Chicks, 

Or Pigs, that suddenly deceast. 

Of griefs unnat'ral, as he guest ; 

Who after prov'd himself a Witch, 

And made a Rod for his own breech. 

Did not the Dev'l appear to Martin 

Luther, in Germany, for certain ; 

And would have gull'd him with a Trick, 

But Mart, was too too Politick ? 

Did he not help the Dutch to purge, 

At Antwerp, their Cathedral Church? 

Sing catches to the Saints at Mascon, 

And tell them all they came to ask him ? 

Appear in divers shapes to Kelly ? 

And speak i' th' Nun at Lo^dons Belly ? 

Meet with the Parliament's Committee 

At Woodstock, on a Pars'nal Treaty ? 

At Sarum take a Cavalier 

I' th' Causers service. Prisoner ? 

As Withers in immortal Rime 

Has register'd to after-time ? 

Do not our great Reformers use 

This Sidrophel to foreboad News ? 

To write of ViElories next year. 

And Castles taken yet i' th' Air; 

Of Battels fought at Sea, and Ships 

Sunk, two years hence, the last Eclips ? 



156 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

A Total O'erthrow giv'n the King 
In Cornwal, Horse, and Foot, next Spring? 
And has not he point-blank foretold 
Whats'er the close Committee would ? 
Made Mars and Saturn for the Cause, 
The Moon for fundamental Laws ? 
The Ram, and Bull, and Goat declare 
Against the Book of Common Pray'r ? 
The Scorpion take the Protestation, 
And Bear engage for Reformation ? 
Made all the Royal Stars recant, 
Compound, and take the Covenant. 

Quoth Hudibras, The case is clear, 
The Saints ma' imploy a Conjurer; 
As thou hast prov'd it by their praSlice 
No Argument like matter of feft is: 
And we are best of all led to 
Mens Principles by what they do. 
Then let us strait advance in quest 
Of this profound Gymnosophist : 
Anitas the Fates, and He advise. 
Pursue, or wave this Enterprise. 
This said, he turn'd about his Steed, 
And eftsoons on th' adventure rid. 
Where, leave we Him and Ralph a while, 
And to the Conjurer turn our stile : 
To let our Reader understand 
What's useful of him, before hand. 

He had been long t'wards Mathematicks, 
Opticks, Philosophy, and Staticks, 
Magick, Horoscopy, Astrology, 
And was old Dog at Physiology ; 
But, as a Dog that turns the spit. 
Bestirs himself, and plies his feet, 
To climb the Wheel; but all in vain. 
His own weight brings him down again : 
And still he's in the self-same place. 
Where at his setting out he was. 
So in the Circle of the Arts, 
Did he advance his nat'ral Parts; 

157 



HUDIBRAS 

Till falling back still, for retreat, 

He feRtoJ^uggk, Cant, and Cheat; 

Fofas~tKose ^ /'g^ ^^hatf'livelgWater 

A"re~r5ver "wet , "ne~jidn5ur"sinattirT" 

Whate'y|helabour^J]^to]ap^aj[, 

KKsjnHg^taMmgj^dir^ascIeaf, 

Tet none a deeperknowIeHge boasted. 

Since old Hodg Bacon, and Bod Grosted, 

Th' Intelligible world he knew. 

And all, men dream on't, to be true : 

That in this World, there's not a Wart, 

That has not there a Counterpart; 

Nor can there on the face of Ground, 

An Individual Beard be found. 

That has not, in that foreign Nation, 

A fellow of the self-same fashion ; 

So cut, so colored, and so curl'd, 

As those are, in th' Inferior World. 

H' had read Dee's Prefaces before 

The Dev'l, and Euclide o'er and o'er. 

And all th' Intregues, 'twixt him and Kelly, 

Lescus, and th' Emperor, [would] tell ye. 

But with the Moon was more familiar 

Than e'er was Almanack well wilier. 

Her secrets understood so clear. 

That some believ'd he had been there. 

Knew when she was in fittest mood. 

For cutting Corns, or letting blood: 

When for anointing Scabs and Itches, 

Or to the Bum applying Leeches ; 

When Sows and Bitches may be spade. 

And in what Sign best Sider's made, 

Whether the Wane be, or Increase, 

Best to set Garlick, or sow Pease. 

Who first found out the Man i' th' Moon, 

That to the Ancients was unknown ; 

How many Dukes, and Earls, and Peers, 

Are in the Planetary Spheres, 

Their Airy Empire : and command 

Their sev'ral strengths by Sea and Land ; 



158 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

What laftions th' have, and what they drive at 

In publick Vogue, and what in private ; 

With what Designs and Interests, 

Each Party manages Contests, 

He made an Instrument to know 

If the Moon shine at full or no. 

That would as soon as e'er she shon, strait 

Whether 'twere Day or Night demonstrate ; 

Tell what her D'ameter t',an Inch is. 

And prove she is not made of Green Cheese : 

It would demonstrate, that the Man in 

The Moon's a Sea Mediterranean. 

And that it is no Dog., nor Bitch, 

That stands behind him at his breech ; 

But a huge Caspian Sea, or Lake 

With Jrms which Men for Legs mistake. 

How large a Gulph his Tail composes. 

And what a goodly Bay his Nose is ; 

How many German Leagues by th' scale, 

Cape-Snout's from Promontary-Tayl : 

He rhade a Planetary Gin, 

Which Rats would run their own heads in. 

And come o' purpose to be taken. 

Without th' expence of Cheese or Bacon ; 

With Lute-strings he would counterfeit 

Maggots, that crawl on dish of meat. 

Quote Moles and Spots, on any place 

O' th' body, by the Index-face : 

DeteiSl lost Maidenheads, by sneezing. 

Or breaking wind of Dames, or pissing. 

Cure Warts and Corns, with application 

Of Med'cines, to th' Imagination. 

Fright Agues into Dogs, and scare 

With Rimes the Tooth-ach and Catarrh. 

Chase evil spirits away by dint 

Of Cickle, Horseshooe, Hollow-flint. 

Spit fire out of a Walnut-shell, 

Which made the Roman Slaves rebell. 

And fire a Mine in China, here, 

With Sympathetick Gunpowder. 



159 



HUDIBRAS 

He knew whats'ever's to be known, 

But much more than he knew, would own. 

What MetTcine 'twas that Paracelsus 

Could make a man with, as he tells us. 

What figur'd Slats are best to make, 

On wat'ry surface, Duck or Drake. 

What Bow ling-stones f in running race 

Upon a Board, have swiftest pace. 

Whether a Pulse beat in the black 

List of a Dapl'd Louse's back. 

If Systole or Diastole move 

Quickest, when he's in wrath, or love : 

When two of them do run a race. 

Whether they Gallop, Trot, or Pace, 

How many scores a Flea will jump. 

Of his own length, from Head to Rump ; 

Which Socrates, and Charephon 

In vain, essay'd so long agon ; 

Whether his Snout a perfeft Nose is, 

And not an Elephant's Proboscis, 

How many different Specieses 

Of Maggots breed in rotten Cheese, 

And which are next of kin to those 

Engendred in a Chandler's nose. 

Or those not seen, but understood. 

That live in Vinegar and Wood; 

A paultry Wretch, he had, half-starv'd. 

That him in place of Zawji serv'd ; 

Hight Whachum^ bred to dash and draw. 

Not Wine, but more unwholesome Law : 

To make 'twixt words and lines, huge gaps. 

Wide as Meridians in Maps. 

To squander Paper, and spare Ink, 

Or cheat men of their words, some think ; 

From this, by merited degrees. 

He to more high Advancement rise : 

To be an Vnder-Conj'urer, 

Or Journy-man Astrologer : 

His bus'ness w as to pumpandwheedle, 

And_Men wjtlT'tfiHFown keys u nrid(Ue. 

1 60 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

To make t hem to themselves gire^nswers. 

For whicK~they pay the Necromancers. 

XO-i£t^.-and_carr^ Intelltgencey 

Of whom, and what, an3 where, and whence, 

Knrzl!i~TJtsceivertes dispersej 

AmSigth' whole fad of Conjurers ; 

WEat!o «??«?'w j ave left" vvith t£em, 

For_die^j;ight owners^STredeem ; 

Andj_ ^iat tHe y dare not vend,^ jfind_out, 

'l'cr^gain\them"selvesr "arid th' Art, repiUS- 

I^ra.w~~Figures,~'Sc^em7s^ zndTHoroscopes, 

Of Newgate, Bridewell, Brokers Shops. 

Of Thieves ascendent in the Cart, 

And find out all by rules of Art. 

Which way a Serving-man that's run 

With Cloaths or Mony away, is gone : 

Who pick'd a Fob, at Holding- forth. 

And where a Watch, for half the worth, 

May be redeem'd ; or Stolen Plate 

Restor'd, at Conscionable rate. 

Beside all this, he serv'd his Master 

In quality of Poetaster : 

And Rimes appropriate could make. 

To ev'ry month i' th' Almanack. 

When Terms begin, and end, could tell, 

With their Returns, in Doggerel. 

When the Exchequer opes and shuts. 

And Sowgelder, with safety cuts. 

When Men may Eat and Drink their fill. 

And when be temp' rate if they will. 

When use, and when abstain from vice. 

Figs, Grapes, Phlebotomy, and Spice. 

And as in Prisons, mean Rogues beat 

Hemp, for the service of the Great; 

So Whachum beat his durty brains, 

T' advance his Masters Fame and Gains ; 

And like the Devil's Oracles, 

Put into Dogrel-Rimes his Spells, 

Which over ev'ry months blank-page 

I' th' Almanack, strange Bilks presage. 



i6i 



HUDIBRAS 

He would an Elegy compose 

On Maggots squeez'd out of his Nose ; 

In Lyrick numbers write an Ode on 

'His Mistriss, eating a Black-pudden : 

And when imprison'd Air escap'd her, 

It puft him with Poetick Rapture : 

His Sonnets charm'd th' attentive Crowd, 

By wide-mouth'd Mortal troul'd aloud ; 

That, circl'd with his long-ear'd Guests, 

Like Orpheus look'd, among the Beasts, 

A Carman's Horse could not pass by. 

But stood ty'd up to Poetry, 

No Porter's Burthen past aJong, 

But serv'd for Burthen to his Song. 

Each Windore, like a Pill'ry appears. 

With heads thrust through, nail'd by the ears 

All Trades run in as to the sight 

Of Monsters, or their dear delight ; 

The Gallow-tree, when cutting Purse, 

Breeds bus'ness for Heroick Verse, 

Which none does hear, but would have hung 

T've been the Theme of such a Song. 

Those two together long had liv'd, 

In Mansion prudently contriv'd; 

Where neither Tree, nor House could bar 

The free deteftion of a Star ; 

And nigh an Antient Obelisk 

Was rais'd by him, found out by Fisk, 

On which was written, not in words. 

But Hieroglyphick Mute of Birds, 

Many rare pithy Saws concerning 

The worth of Astrologick Learning : 

From top of this there hung a Rope, 

To which he fastned Telescope; 

The SpeHacles, with which the Stars 

He reads in smallest CharaSters. 

It hapned as a Boy, one night, ■ 

Did fly his Tarsel of a Kite, 

The strangest long-wing'd Hauk that flies. 

That like a Bird of Paradise, 

162 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

Or Heralds Martlet, has no legs, 

Nor hatches young ones, nor lay[s] Eggs ; 

His Train was six yards long, milk-white. 

At th' end of which there hung a Light, 

Enclos'd in Lanthom made of Paper., 

That far oiF like a Star did appear. 

This Sidrophel by chance espy'd, 

And with. Amazement staring wide. 

Bless us, quoth he. What dreadful wonder 

Is that, appears in Heaven yonder ? 

A Comet, and without a Beard? 

Or Star, that ne'er before appear'd; 

I'm certain, 'tis not in the Scrawl, 

Of all those Beasts, and Fish, and Fowl, 

With which, like Indian Plantations, 

The Learned stock the Constellations: 

Nor those that drawn for Signs have bin, 

To th' Houses where the Planets Inn. 

It must be supernatural. 

Unless it be that Cannon-Bali, 

That, shot in th' Air, point-blank, upright, 

Was born to that prodigious height, 

That learn'd Philosophers maintain. 

It ne'er came backwards, down agen ; 

But in the Aery Region yet, 

Hangs like the Body o' Mahomet. 

For if it be above the Shade, 

That by the Earths round bulk is made, 

'Tis probable, it may, from far, 

Appear no Bullet but a Star. 

This said. He to his Engine flew, 
Plac'd near at hand, in open view. 
And rais'd it, till it levell'd right, 
Against the Glow-worm Tail of Kite. 
Then peeping through, {Bless us quoth he) 
It is a Planet now I see ; 
And if I err not, by his proper 
Figure, that's like Tobacco-stopper, 
It should be Saturn : yes 'tis clear : 
'Tis Saturn, But what makes him there? 

L 2 163 



HUDIBRAS 

He's got between the Dragon's Tail, 
And farther leg behind, o' th' Whale; 
Pray Heaven, divert the fatal Omen, 
For 'tis a Prodigy not common, 
And can no less than the Worlds end, 
0[r] Natures funeral portend. 
With that he fell again to pry 
Through Perspective more wistfully, 
When by mischance, the fatal string 
That kept the Tow'ring Fowl on wing, 
Breaking, down fell the Star: Well shot, 
(^oth Whachum, who right wisely thought 
H' had levell'd at a Star, and hit it: 
But Sidrophel more subtle-witted, 
Cry'd out, What horrible and fearful. 
Portent is this, to see a Star fall ; 
It threatens Nature, and the doom 
Will not be long before it come. 
When Stars do fall, 'tis plain enough, 
The Day of 'Judgment's not far off : 
As lately 'twas reveal'd to Sedgwick, 
And some of us find out by Magick. 
Then, since the time we have to live. 
In this world's shortned. Let us strive. 
To make our best advantage of it, 
And pay our losses with our profit. 

This feat fell out, not long before 
The Knight upon the forenam'd score. 
In quest of Sidrophel advancing. 
Was now in prospect of the Mansion : 
Whom he discovering, turn'd his Glass, 
And found far off, 'twas Hudibras. 

Whachum (quoth he) look yonder j some 
To try, or use our Art, are come: 
The one's the Learned Knight; seek out. 
And pump 'em, what they come about. 
Whachum advanc'd with all submissness, 
T' accost 'em, but much more, their bus'ness. 
He held the Stirrup, while the Knight, 
From Leathern Bare-Bones did alight, 



164 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

And taking from his hand, the Bridle, 

Approach'd the dark Squire to unridd!'j, 

He gave him first the time o' th' '^^y. 

And welcom'd him, as he might say : 

He ask'd them whence they came, and whither 

Their business lay ? Quoth Ralpho^ hither ; 

Did you not lose ? Quoth Ralpho, Nay ; 

Quoth Whachum, Sir, I meant your way. 

Your Knight Quoth Ralpho, is a Lover, 

And pains intollerable doth suffer. 

For Lovers hearts are not their own hearts. 

Nor Lights nor Lungs, and so forth downwards, 

What time Quoth Ralpho, Sir too long. 

Three years it off and on, has hung 

Quoth he, I meant what time o' th' day 'tis. 
Quoth Ralpho, between seven and eight 'tis. 
Why then (quoth Whachum) my small Art 
Tells me, the Dame has a hard Heart, 

Or great Estate Quoth Ralph, a Joynter, 

Which makes him have so hot a mind t' her. 

Mean while the Knight was making water. 

Before he fell upon the matter ; 

Which having done, the Wizard steps in, 

To give him [suitable] Reception; 

But kept his bus'ness at a Bay, 

Till Whachum put him in the way. 

Who having now by Ralpho's light. 

Expounded th' Errand of the Knight, 

And what he came to know, drew near. 

To whisper in the ConjWers ear. 

Which he prevented thus: What was't 

Quoth he, that I was saying last. 

Before these Gentlemen arriv'd.? 

Quoth Whachum, Venus you retriv'd, 

In opposition with Mars, 

And no benigne friendly Stars 

T' allay th' effeft. Quoth Wizard, So ! 

In Firgo ? Ha ! quoth Whachum, No. 

Has Saturn nothing to do in't? 

One tenth of's Circle to a minute. 



165 



HUDIBRAS 

'Tis well, quoth he Sir you'll excuse 

This rudeness, I am forc'd to use, 
It is a Scheme, and face of Heaven 
As the Aspeiis are dispos'd, this Everiy 
I was contemplating upon. 
When you arriv'd: but now I've done. 

Quoth Hudibras, If I appear 
Unseasonable in coming here 
At such a time, to interrupt 
Your Speculations, which I hop'd 
Assistance from, and come to use, 
'Tis fit that I ask your excuse. 

By no means, Sir, Quoth Sidrophel, 
The Stars your coming did foretel: 
I did expecJt you here, and know, 
Before you speak, your bus'ness too. 

Quoth Hudibras, Make that appear. 
And I shall credit whatsoe'er 
You tell me after, on your word, 
Howe'er unlikely, or absurd. 

You are in Love, Sir, with a Widow, 
Quoth he, that does not greatly heed you; 
And [for] three years has rid your Wit 
And Passion without drawing Bit: 
And now your bus'ness is, to know 
If you shall carry her, or no. 

Quoth Hudibras, you're in the right, 
But how the Devil you come by't, 
I cann't imagine; for the Stars 
I'm sure, can tell no more than a Horse, 
Nor can their Aspects (though you pore 
You[r] Eyes o[u]t on 'em) tell you more 
Than the Oracle of Sive and Sheers, 
That turns as certain as the Spheres; 
But if the Devils of your Counsel, 
Much may be done, my noble Donzel, 
And 'tis on this accompt I come, 
To know from you my fatal Doom. 

Quoth Sidrophel, If you suppose, 
Sir Knight, that I am one of those, 

1 66 



SECOND PARI, UANTO III 

I might suspeft, and take the Alarm, 
Your bus'ness is but to inform, 
But if it be; 'tis ne'er the near, 
You have a wrong Sow by the Ear, 
For I assure you, for my part, 
I only deal by Rules of Art, 
Such as are lawful, and judge by 
Conclusions of A strolog y : 
B uT^r th e Lfev tl, know nothing by him. 
But onlythis, thatldefi e hitnT' ' 

""Ciuotn he, Whatever others deem ye 
I jinderst and you r Metonym ie ; 
Your words of second h a nd intention^ 
W hen th ings _b y vyrongfu l names you mention ; 
Xlie MpH^^nj e of alP ]g^ur~ ''lefrns, 
TFat zxe'mSSSrhnt M'a^^Charj ns, 
Tora^ tEe~Uevtl, and mean one thing, 
And that is, down-right Conjuring: 
And in its self more warrantable, 
Than Cheat, or Canting to a Rabble, 
Or putting Tricks upon the Moon, 
Which by confederacy are done. 
Your Ancient Conjurers were wont 
To make her from her Sphere dismount, 
And to their Incantations stoop, 
They scorn'd to pore through Telescope, 
Or idly play at bo-peep with her, 
To find out cloudy, or fair weather. 
Which ev'ry Almanack can tell, 
Perhaps, as learnedly, and well, 

As you your self Then friend I doubt 

You go the farthest way about. 
Your Modern Indian Magician 
Makes but a hole i' th' Earth to piss in, 
And streit resolves all Questions by't, 
And seldom fails to be i'th' right, 
The R£sy-crucian yyay's more_sure, 
To bringtKiU Devil to _tKe ~Lu re, 



Jjl ach oi ^^a ha s a sevj a 
To catch Intel ligences i n. 



167 



HUDIBRAS 

Some by the Nose with fumes trappan 'urn, 

As Dunstan did the DeviPs Grannum. 

Others with CharaSters and Words, 

Catch 'em as Men in Nets do Birds. 

And some with Symbols, Signs, and Tricks, 

Engrav'd in Planetary Nicks. 

With their own influences, will fetch 'em, 

Down from their Orbs, arrest and catch 'em ; 

Make 'em depose, and answer to 

All S^estions, e'er they let them go. 

Bumbastus, kept a Devil's Bird 

Shut in the Pummel of his Sword, 

That taught him all the cunning Pranks, 

Of past and future Mountebanks. 

Kelly did all his Feats upon 

The Devil's Looking-Glass, a Stone, 

Where playing with him at Bo-peep, 

He solv'd all Problems ne'er so deep. 

Agrippa kept a Stygian-Pug, 
V th' garb and habit of a Dog, 
That was his Tutor ; and the Curr 
Read to th' occult Philosopher, 
And taught him subtly to maintain 
All other Sciences are vain. 

To this, quoth Sidrophello, Sir, 
Agrippa was no Conjurer, 
Nor Paracelsus, no nor Behman ; 
Nor was the Dog a Cacodamon, 
But a true Dog, that would shew tricks 
For th' Emperor, and leap o'er sticks ; 
Would fetch and carry, was more civil, 
Than other Dogs, but yet no Devil; 
And whatsoe'er he's said to do, 
He went the self-same way we go. 
As for the Rosie-cross Philosophers, 
Whom you will have to be but Sorcerers ; 
What they pretend to, is no more. 
Than Trismegistus did before, 
Pythagoras, old Zoroaster, 
And Appollonius their Master ; 



i68 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

To whom they do confess they ow, 
All that they do, and all they know. 

Quoth Hudibras, Alas what is't to us. 
Whether 'twere said by Trismegistus: 
If it be nonsence, false, or mystici. 
Or not intelligible, or sophistick. 
'Tis not Antiquity, nor Author, 
That makes truth truth, although time's daughter; 
'Twas he that put her in the Pit, 
Before he puU'd her out of it. 
And as he eats his Sons, just so 
He feeds upon his Daughters too. 
Nor do's it follow, cause a Herald 
Can make a Gentleman scarce a year old, 
To be descended of a Race, 
Of ancient Kings in a small space ; 
That we should all Opinion hold 
Authentick, that we can make old. 

Quoth Sidrophel, It is no part 
Of prudence, to cry down an Art ; 
And what it may perform, deny 
Because you understand not why. 
(As Averrhois play'd but [a] mean trick, 
To damn our whole Art for Excentrick) 
For who knows all that knowledge contains ? 
Men dwell not on the Tops of Mountains, 
But on their sides, or rising's seat ; 
So 'tis with knowledge's vast height. 
Do not the Hist'ries of all Ages 
Relate miraculous presages. 
Of strange turns in the tVorWs affairs. 
Foreseen b' Astrologers, Soothsayers, 
Chaldeans, Learn'd Genethliacks, 
And some that have writ Almanacks? 
The Median Emp'rour dreamt, his Daughter, 
Had pist all Asia under water. 
And that a Vine, sprung from her hanches, 
O'erspread his Empire, with its branches ; 
And did not Soothsayers expound it, 
As after by th' event he found it ? 

169 



HUDIBRAS 

When Ceesar in the Senate fell, 

Did not the Sun eclips'd foretel, 

And in resentment of his slaughter, 

Look'd pale for almost a year after? 

Augustus having, b' oversight, 

Put on his left Shooe, 'fore his right. 

Had like to have been slain that day. 

By Soldiers mutining for pay. 

Are there no myriads of this sort, 

Which Stories of all times report ? 

Is it not ominous in all Countreys, 

When Crows and Ravens croak upon Trees ? 

The Roman Senate, when v/ithin 
The City-walls an Owl was seen. 
Did cause their Clergy with Lustra tions, 
(O ur Synod calls H umiliations,) 
TKe rbund-fec'd Prodigy t' avert 
From doing Town or Country hurt. 
And if an Owl have so much pow'r. 
Why should not Planets have much more? 
That in a Region, far above 
Inferior fowls o' th' Air, move. 
And should see farther, and fore-know. 
More than their Augury below: 
Though that once serv'd the Polity 
Of mighty States to govern by; 
And this is that we take in hand, 
By pow'rful Art to understand. 
Which, how we have perform'd, all Ages 
Can speak th' Events of our presages. 
Have we not lately in the Moon 
Found a New World to th' Old unknown? 
Discover'd Sea and Land, Columbus 
And Magellan could never compass? 
Made Mountains, with our Tubes, appear 
And Cattle grazing on 'em there? 

Quoth Hudibras, You lie so ope. 
That I, without a Telescope, 
Can find your Tricks out, and descry 
Where you tell truth, and where you lie. 



170 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

For Anaxagoras long agon, 
Saw Hilh^ as well as you i' th' Moon ; 
And held the Sun was but a piece 
Of Red-hot-Ir'n as big as Greece; 
Believ'd the Heavens were made of Stone^ 
Because the Sun had voided one ; 
And rather than he would recant 
Th' Opinion, suffer'd Banishment. 
But what, alas, what is't to us, 
Whether i' th' Moon, men thus, or thus. 
Do eat their Porridge, cut their Corns, 
Or whether they have Tails or Horns ? 
What Trade from thence can you advance 
But what we nearer have from France? 
What can our Travellers bring home. 
That is not to be learnt at Rome? 
What Politicks, or strange Opinions, 
That are not in our own Dominions? 
What Science can be brought from thence. 
In which we do not here Commence ? 
What Revelations, or Religions, 
That are not in our Native Regions? 
Are sweating Lanthorns, or Screen-Fans 
Made better there, than th' are in France? 
Or do they teach to sing and play 
O' th' Gittarr there a newer [way]|? 
Can they make Plays there, that shall fit 
The Puhlick Humor with less Wit? 
Write wittier Dances, quainter Shows, 
Or fight with more ingenious Blows? 
Or does the Man i'th' Moon look big. 
And wear a huger Periwig, 
Shew in his Gate, or Face, more tricks 
Than our own Native Luna ticks ? 
But if w' out-do him here at home. 
What good of your design can come ? 
As wind i' th' Hypochondrias pent 
Is but a blast if downward sent ; 
But if it upwards chance to fly, 
Becomes new Light and Prophecy: 



171 



HUDIBRAS 

So when our Speculations tend, 

Above their just and useful end, 

Although they promise strange and great, 

Discoveries of things far fet. 

They are but idle Dreams and Fancies, 

And savor strongly of the Ganzas, 

Tell me but what's the nat'ral cause," 

Why on a Sign, no Painter draws 

The Full-Moon ever, but the Half, 

Resolve that with your Jacohs-staff; 

Or why wolves raise a Hubbub at her. 

And Dogs howl when she shines in water ; 

And I shall freely give my Vote, 

You may know something more remote. 

At this deep Sidrophel look'd wise, 
And staring round with Owl-like Eies, 
He put his face into a posture 
Of Sapience, and began to bluster ; 
For having three times shook his head 
To stir his wit up, thus he said. 

Art has no mortal enemies 
Next Ignorance, but Owls and Geese ; 
Those Consecrated Geese in Orders, 
That to the Capitol were Warders: 
And being then upon Petrol 
With noise alone beat ofF the Gaul. 
Or those Athenian Sceptick Owls, 
That will not credit their own Souls; 
Or any Science understand, 
Beyond the reach of Eye, or Hand: 
But meas'ring all things by their own 
Knowledge, hold, Nothing's to be known. 
Those whole-sale Criticks, that in Coffee- 
Houses, cry down all Philosophy. 
And will not know, upon what ground 
In Nature, we our doSirine found; 
Although with pregnant evidence. 
We can demonstrate it to sence. 
As I just now have done to you, 
Fortelling what you came to know. 



172 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

Were the Stars only made to light 

Robbers and Burglarers by night? 

To wait on Drunkards, Thieves, Gold-finders, 

And Lovers solacing behind Dores? ' 

Or giving one another Pledges 

Of Matrimony under Hedges ? 

Or Witches SimpUng, and on Gibbets 

Cutting from MalefaSlors snippets ? 

Or from the Pillory tips of Ears 

Of Rebel-Saints, and Perjurers? 

Only to stand hy and look on. 

But not know what is said or done ? 

Is there a Constellation there, ■ ] 

That was not born and bred up here ? 

And th[ere]fore cannot be to learn. 

In any inferior Concern. 

Were they not, during all their lives. 

Most of 'em Pirats, Whores, and Thieves? 

And is it like they have not still 

In their old Practises some skill ? 

Is there a Planet thzt by Birth 

Does not derive its House from Earth? 

And therefore probably must know 

What is, and hath been done below? 

Who made the Ballance, or whence came 

The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram? 

Did not we here, the Argo rigg 

Make Berenice's Periwig? 

Whose Liv'ry does the Coachman wear? 

Or who made Cassiopaa's Chair? 

And therefore as they came from hence. 

With us may hold Intelligence. 

Plato deny'd, T he,,^V/^^,£an-.be 

(jovern'd without Geometry,^ 

(ForT3ony~b'ing~the common_ScaJe 

Of"thingr'By~lneastire,~'\^^K^_and__tale ; 

In at^th:"-affaTr^o^l75^wF^d State, 

'Tts~&gth- the ■ Batmcf^^ znd'j^yf^eight :) 

Then much less can it be without 

Divine Astrology made out, 



'73 



HUDIBRAS 

That puts the other down in worth, 
As far as Heavenh above Earth. 

These reasons (quoth the Knight) I grant 
Are something more significant 
Than any that the Learned use, 
Upon this subject to produce ; 
And yet, th' are far from satisfaftory 
T' establish and keep up your FaSlory. 
The Egyptians say. The Sun has twice 
Shifted his setting and his rise ; 
Twice has he risen in the West^ 
As many times set in the East ; 
But whether that be true, or no. 
The Devil any of you know. 
Some hold, the Heavens, hke a Top, 
Are kept by Circulation up ; 
And 'twere not for their wheeling round, 
They'd instantly fall to the ground : 
As sage Empedodes of old. 
And from him Modern Authors [hold]. 
Plato believ'd the Sun and Moon, 
Below all other Planets run. 
Some Mercury, some Venus seat 
Above the Sun himself in height. 
The learned Scaliger complain'd 
'Gainst what Copernicus maintain'd. 
That in Twelve hundred years, and odd. 
The Sun had left his antient Road, 
And nearer to the Earth, is come 
'Bove Fifty thousand miles from home: 
Swore 'twas a most notorious Flam, 
And he that had so little Shame 
To vent such Fopperies abroad, 
Deserv'd to have his Rump well claw'd; 
Which Monsieur Bodin hearing, swore 
That he deserv'd the Rod much more, 
That durst upon a truth give doom, 
He knew less than the Pope of Rome. 
Cardan believ'd, Great States depend 
Upon the tip o' th' Bears Tails end ; 



174 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

That as she whisk'd it t'wards the Sun, 

Strow'd Mighty Empires up and down ; 

Which others say must needs be false. 

Because your true Bears have no Tails. 

Some say, the Zodiack-Constellations 

Have long since chang'd their antique Stations 

Above a Sign ; and prove the same. 

In Taurus now, once in the Ram ; 

Affirm the Trigons chop'd and chang'd. 

The JVatry with the Fiery rang'd; 

Then how can their effeSis still hold 

To be the same they were of old. 

This, though the Art were true, would make 

Our Modern Soothsayers mistake ; 

And is one cause they tell more lies. 

In Figures and Nativities., 

Than th' old Chaldean Conjurers, 

In so many hundred thousand years ; 

Beside their Nonsense in translating. 

For want of Accidence and Latine. 

Like Idus and Calendee Englisht 

The farter-days, by skilful Linguist, 

And yet with Canting, Slight, and Cheat 

'Twill serve their turn to do the feat ; 

Make Fools believe in their fore-seeing 

Of things before they are in Being ; 

To swallow Gudgeons ere th' are catch'd, 

And count their Chickens ere th' are hatch'd. 

Make them the Constellations prompt, 

And give 'em back their own accompt : 

But still the best to him that gives 

The best price for't, or best believes. 

Some Towns and Cities, some, for brevity. 

Have cast the Versal World's Nativity; 

And made the Infant-Stars confess, 

Like Fools or Children, what they please : 

Some calculate the hidden fates 

Of Monkeys, Puppy-Dogs, and Cats, 

Some Running-Nags, and Fighting-Cocks ; 

Some Love, Trade, Law-Suits, and the Pox ; 



175 



HUDIBRAS 

• 

Some take a measure of the lives 
Of Fathers, Mothers, Husbands, Wives, 
Make Opposition, Trine, and partite; 
Tell who is barren, and who fertile. 
As if the Planet's first aspe6l 
The tender Infant did infeft 
In Soul and Body, and instill 
All future good, and future ill : 
Which, in their dark fatalities lurking, 
At destin'd Periods fall a working; 
And break out like the hidden seeds 
Of long diseases into deeds, 
In Friendships, Enmities, and strife. 
And all th' emergencies of Life : 
No sooner does he peep into, ~ 

The World, but he has done his do, 
Catch'd all Diseases, took all Physick, , 
That cures, or kills a man that is sick 
Marry'd his punftual dose of Wives, 
Is Cuckolded, and Breaks, or Thrives. 
(There's but [the] twinkling of a Star 
Between a Man of Peace and War, 
A Thief and Justice, Fool and Knave,' 
A huffing Offil/ler and a Slave, 
A crafty Lawyer and Pick-pocket, 
A great Philosopher and a Blockhead, 
A formal Preacher and a Player, 
A learn 'd Physitian and Man-slayer, 
As if Men from the Stars did suck 
Old-age, Diseases, and ill-luck. 
Wit, Folly, Honor, Firtue, Vice, 
Trade, Travel, Women, Claps, and Dice ; 
And draw with the first Air they breath. 
Battel, and Murther, sudden Death. 
Are not these fine Commodities, 
To be imported from the Skies ? 
And vended here among the Rable, 
For staple Goods, and warrantable ? 
Like Mony by the Druids borrow'd, 
V ^r'oiKer'~WorlertS^e~resioPK 



176 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

Quoth Sidrophel, To let you know 
You wrong the Jrt and Jrtists too : 
Since Arguments are lost on those 
That do our Principles oppose ; 
I will (although I've don't before) 
Demonstrate to your sense once more. 
And draw a Figure that shall tell you 
What you perhaps forget, befel you ; 
By way of Horary inspection. 
Which some accompt our worst ereflion. 
With that, He Circles draws, and Squares 
With Cyphers, Astral CharaSiers ; 
Then looks 'em o'er, to understand 'em, 
Although set down Hab-nab, at random. 

Quoth he, This Scheme o' th' Heavens set 
Discovers how in fight you met 
At Kingston with a Maypole Idol, 
And that y' were bang'd both back and side well : 
And though you overcame the Bear, 
The Dogs beat you at Brentford Fair ; 
Where sturdy Butchers broke your Noddle, 
And handl'd you like a Fop-doodle. 

Quoth Hudibras, I now perceive 
You are no Confrer, W your leave. 
That Poultry story is untrue. 
And forg'd to cheat such Gulls as you. 

Not true ? quoth he. How e'er you vapor 
I can, what I affirm, make appear; 
Whachum shall justifie 't [t'] your face, 
An3~proveTie was uponTTEe glace : 
He'play'd the Sattinbanco'^ part, 
Transform'd t' a FrenchmcinhY my^ Art, 
He stole your Cloak, and pick'd your Pocket,' 
Chews'd, and Cajdes'd ye. like, a -Block-head : 
And what you lost I can produce 
If you deny it, here i' th' house. 

Quoth Hudibras, I do believe. 
That Argument's Demonstrative; 
Ralpho, bear witness, and go fetch us 
A Constable to seize the Wretches : 

M 177 



HUDIBRAS 

For though th' are both false Knaves and Cheats, 

Impostors, Juglers, Counterfets, 

I'll make them serve for perpendiculars, 

As true, as e'er were us'd by Brick-layers ; 

They 're guilty by their own Confessions, 

Of Felony ; and at the Sessions 

Upon the Bench I will so handle 'em. 

That the Vibration of this Pendulum 

Shall make all Taylors Yards, of one 

Unanimous opinion : 

A thing he long has vapour'd of. 

But now shall make it out by proof. 

Quoth Sidrophel, I do not doubt, 
To find friends, that will bear me out : 
Nor have I hazarded my Art, 
And Neck, so long on the States part. 
To be expos'd i' th' end to suffer, 
By [such] a Braghadochio HufFer. 

Huffer, quoth Hudibras, This Sword 
Shall down thy false throat. Cram that word, 
Ralpho, make haste, and call an Officer, 
To apprehend this Stygian Sophister; 
Mean while I'll hold 'em at a Bay, 
Lest he and Whachum run away. 

But Sidrophel, who from th' Aspect 
Of Hudibras, did now ereft, 
A Figure worse portending far. 
Than that of most malignant Star : 
Believ'd it now the fittest moment. 
To shun the danger that might come on't. 
While Hudibras was all alone. 
And he and Whachum, two to one j 
This being resolv'd. He spy'd by chance. 
Behind the Dore, an Iron Lance, 
That many a sturdy Limb had gor'd. 
And Legs, and Loyns, and Shoulders bord. 
He snatch'd it up, and made a Pass, 
To make his way through Hudibras. 
Whachum had a Fire-Fork, 
With which he vow'd to do his Work. 



178 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

But Hudtbras was well prepar'd. 
And stoutly stood upon his Guard. 
He put by Sidrophello's thrust. 
And in, right manfiilly, he rusht. 
The weapon A-om his gripe he wrung. 
And laid him on the earth along. 
Whacbum his Seacole-Prong threw by. 
And basely tum'd his back to fly. 
But__^a///^r]flf gave him a twitch 
As jjuict as Lig^ta^ in the TBreech. , 
Just in the fdac^"wSefe''^flw«rT lodg'd, ' 
As wise Phthsophers have judg'd ; 
Because a kick in that part more 
Hurts Honor^ than deep wounds before. 

Quoth Hudibras^ the Stars determine 
You are my Prisoners, base Vermine. 
Could they not tell you so, as well 
As what I came to know, foretel ? 
By_this, what Cheats you are, we find. 
That in ^our own Concerns are blind : 
Your Lives are now at my dispose. 
To be redeem'd by fine or blows : 
But who his Honor would defile. 
To take, or sell two lives so vUe ; 
I'D give you Quarter, but your Pillage, 
The Conqu'ring Warrier's Crap and Tillage, 
Which with his Sword he reaps, and plows ; 
That mine, the Law of Arms allows. 

This said [in haste], in haste he fell 
To romaging of Sidrophel. 
First, He expounded both his Pockets, 
And found a Watch, with Rings and Lociets, 
Which had been left with him, t' eteSt 
A Figure for, and so dete<ft. 
A Capper-Plate, with Almanacks 
Engrav'd upon't, with other knacks. 
Of Booker's, Lillie's, Sarah Jimmers, 
And Blank-Schemes to discover Nimmers ; 
A Moan-Dial, vrith Napier's bones. 
And several Canstellationstones, 

M 2 



'79 



HUDIBRAS 

Engrav'd in Planetary hours. 
That over Mortals had strange powers 
To make 'em thrive in Law, or Trade; 
And stab, or poyson, to evade; 
In Wit, or Wisdom to improve, 
And be viftorious in Love. 
Whachum had neither Cross nor Pile, 
His Plunder was not worth the while ; 
All which the Conqueror did discompt, 
To pay for curing of his Rump. 
But Sidrophel, as full of tricks, 
As Rota-men of Politicks, 
Streight cast about to over-reach 
Th' unwary Conqu'ror with a fetch. 
And make him glad, (at least) to quit 
His ViSiory, and fly the Pit, 
Before the SeculsiiJPrince_^i^_Darkness ' 
Arriv'3 t6~seize upon his Carkass. 
And, as a Fox, with hot pursuit, 
Chac'd through a Warren, cast about 
To save his credit, and among 
Dead Vermin on a Gallows hung ; 
And while the Dogs ran underneath, 
Escap'd (by counterfeiting Death) 
MQt-^Ut_of&inning, but iijXrain 
Of Atoms justljng in his Brain^ 
As_learirdJP^/^f£^^i^ give out : 
So Sidrophello castaBout, 
And fell to's w[o]nted Trade again. 
To feign himself in earnest slain. 
First, stretch'd out one leg, then another. 
And seeming in his Breast to smother, 
A broken Sigh ; Quoth he, Where am I, 
Alive, or Dead ? Or which way came I 
Through so immense a space so soon ? 
But now, I thought my self i' th' Moon ; 
And that a Monster with huge Whiskers, 
More formidable than a Switzers, 
My body through and through had dril'd. 
And Whachum by my side, had kill'd. 



i8o 



SECOND PART, CANTO III 

Had cross-examin'd both our Hose, 
And plunder'd all we had to lose ; 
Look there he is, I see him now, 
And feel the place I am run through. 
And there lies Whachum by my side. 
Stone-dead, and in his own blood dy'd. 
Oh ! Oh ! with that he fetch 'd a Grone^ 
And fell again into a swoun. 
Shut both his Eies, and stopt his Breath, 
And, to the Life^ out-afted Death. ^ 
That Hudihras^ to all appearing, 
Believ'd him to be dead as Herring. 
He held it now no longer safe, 
To tarry the return of Ralph ; 
But rather leave him in the Lurch ; 
Thought he, he has abus'd our Church, 
Refus'd to give himself one firk. 
To carry on the Publick work. 
Despis'd our Synod-men like Durt. 
And made their Discipline his sport ; 
Divulg'd the secrets of their Classes, 
And their Conventions prov'd High Places ; 
Disparag'd their Tith-Pigs, as Pagan, 
And set at nought their Cheese and Bacon ; 
Rail'd at their Covenant, and jear'd 
Their rev'rend Parsons to my Beard, 
For all which Scandals to be quit. 
At once, this JunSlure falls out fit. 
I'll make him henceforth, to beware. 
And tempt my fury, if he dare : 
He must (at least) hold up his hand, 
By twelve Free-holders to be scan'd. 
Who by their skill in Palmistry, 
Will quickly read his Destiny; 
And make him glad to read his Lesson, 
Or take a turn for't at the Session : 
Unless his Light and Gifts prove truer. 
Than ever yet they did, I'm sure ; 
For if he scape with Whipping now, 
'Tis more than he can hope to do. 



i8i 



HUDIBRAS 

I And that will disingage my Conscience, 

,Or'tH* OhUgafion, in his own sense. 
I'll make him now by force abide, 

jWhat he by gentle means deny'd, 

I To give my Honor satisfadiion, 
And right the Brethren in the A£lion, 

' Thir^eingTesoIvM^^wilh equal speedy 
And. Conduit, he approach'd his Steed; 
And with Ailivity unwont, 
Essay'd the lofty Beast to mount ; 
Which once atchiev'd, he spurr'd his Palfry, 
To get from th' Enemy, and Ralph, free ; 
Left Danger, Fears, and Foes behind. 
And beat, at least three lengths, the Wind. 



182 



AN HEROICAL EPISTLE 



AN 
HEROICAL EPISTLE 

OF 

HUDIBRAS 

TO 

SIDROPHEL. 



, ;■ ' ' ; ; ^T*- 



Ecce iterum Crispinus- 



WEll Sidrophely though 'tis in vain 
To tamper with your Crazy Brain, 
Without Trepanning of your Scull, 
As often as the Moon's at Full: 
'Tis not amiss, ere y' are giv'n o'er, 
To try one desp'rate Med'cine more : 
For where your Case can be no worse, 
The desp'rat'st is the wisest course. 
Is't possible, that you, whose Ears 
Are of the Tribe of Issachars, 
And might (with equal Reason) either 
For Merit, or extent of Leather, 
With William Pryn's, before they were 
Retrench'd, and Crucifi'd compare, 



183 



HUDIBRAS 

Should yet be deaf against a noise 
So roaring as the Publick Voice ? 
That speaks your virtues free and loud, 
And openly in ev'ry croud, 
As loud as one that sings his part 
T' a Wheel-barrow or Turnip Cart,- 



184 



Or your new Nicknam'd old Invention, 

To cry Green Hastings with an Engine. 

(As if the vehemence had stun'd. 

And torn your Drum-heads with the sound) 

And 'cause your Folly's now no news, 

But over-grown and out of use. 

Persuade your self there's no such matter, 

But that 'tis vanish 'd out of Nature, 

When Folly, as it grows in years, 

The more extravagant appears. 

For who but you could be possest 

With so much Ignorance, and Beast, 

That neither all mens Scorn, and Hate, 

Nor being Laugh'd and Pointed at. 

Nor bray'd so often in a Mortar, 

Can teach you wholesome Sense, and Nurture ? 

But (like a Reprobate) what course 

S'ever's us'd, grow worse and worse ? 

Can no Transfusion of the Blood, 

That makes Fools Cattle, do you good ? 

Nor putting Pigs t' a Bitch to Nurse, 

To turn 'em into Mungrel-Curs, 

Put you into a way, at least, 

To make your self a better Beast ? 

Can all your critical Intrigues 

Of trying sound from rotten Eggs ; 

Your several Newfound Remedies, 

Of curing Wounds, and Scabs in Trees ; 

Your Arts of Fluxing them from Claps, 

And Purging their infefted Saps, 

Recov'ring Shankers, Chrystallines, 

And Nodes and Botches in their Rindes, 

Have no effeft to operate 

Upon that duller Block, your Pate, 



AN HEROICAL EPISTLE 

But still it must be lewdly bent 

To tempt your own due Punishment- 



And like your whimsey'd Chariots draw 

The Boys to course you without Law ? 

As if the Art you have so long 

Profest, of making old Dogs young, 

In you had Virtue to renew 

Not only Youth, but Childhood too. 

Can you, that understand all Books 

By Judging only with your Looks, 

Resolve all Problems with your Face, 

As others do with B's, and A''s, 

Unriddle all that Mankind knows 

With solid bending of your Brows, 

All Arts and Sciences advance, 

With screwing of your Countenance, 

And with a penetrating Eye, 

Into th' abstrusest Learning pry, 

Know more of any Trade b' a hint. 

Than those that have been bred up in't, 

And yet have no Art true, or false 

To help your own bad Naturals ? 

But still the more you strive t' appear, 

Are found to be the wretcheder. 

For Fools are known by looking wise. 

As Men find Woodcocks by their Eies. 

Hence 'tis, that 'cause y' have gain'd o'th' Colledge^ 

A Quarter-share (at most) of Knowledge, 

And brought in none, but spent Repute, 

Y' assume a Pow'r as absolute 

To Judge and Censure, and Controll, 

As if you were the sole Sir Poll 

And saucily pretend to know 

More than your Dividend comes to. 

You'll find the thing will not be done. 

With Ignorance, and Face alone : 

No though y' have purchas'd to your Name, 

In History so great a Fame, 

That now your Talent's so well known, 

For having all Belief outgrown ; 

i8s 



HUDIBRAS 

That ev'ry strange Prodigious Tale 

Is measur d by your German Scale, 

By which the Virtuosi try 

The Magnitude of ev'ry Ly, 

Cast up to what it does amount: 

And place the big'st to your account. 

That all those stories that are lai'd 

Too truely to you, and those made. 

Are now still charg'd upon your score, 

And lesser Authors nam'd no more. 

Alas that Faculty destroys 

THose soonest, It'designs^ to raise. 

And all your vain ^Renown will spoil. 

As Guns o're-chargM the more recoyl. 

Though he that liSout rmpuSence 

To all things has a fair Pretence 

And put among his wants, but shame. 

To all the world may lay his claim : 

Though jrou have try'd that jiothing's bom 

With greateifease than PuKlique Scorn; 

That all affronts do stilF give " Place 

To your Impenetrable Face; 

That makes your way through all ailairs. 

As Pigs through Hedges creep with theirs. 

Yet as 'tis Counterfeit and Brass 

You must not think 'twill always pass 

For all Impostors, when they'r known. 

Are past their Labor, and undone. 

And all the best that can, befall 

An Artificial Natural, 

Is that which Madmen find, as soon 

As once th' are broke loose from the Moon 

And proof against her Influence, 

Relapse to ere so little Sense 

To turn stark Fools, and Subjefts fit 

For sport of Boys, and Rabble-wit. 



186 



ANNOTATIONS TO THE SECOND PART 

Annotations 

TO THE 

SECOND PART. 

But now t' observe, (sfc. 

THe beginning of this Second Part may perhaps seem strange and 
abrupt to those who do not know, that it was written of purpose, in 
imitation of Virgil, who begins the IV Book of his ^neides in the very 
same manner, At Regina gravi, <b'c. And this is enough to satisfie the 
curiosity of those who believe that Invention and Fancy ought to be 
measur'd (like Cases in Law) by Precedents, or else they are in the power 
of the Critick. 

A Saxon Duke did grow so fat. 

This History of the Duke of Saxony, is not altogether so strange as that 
of a Bishop his Country-man, who was quite eaten up with Rats, and 
Mice. 

King Pyrrhus cur'd his Splenetick, 
And testy Courtiers with a kick. 

Pyrrhus King of Epirus, who as Pliny says, had this occult QuaUty in his 
Toe, Pollicis in dextro Pede tailu Lienoiis medebatur. L. 7. C. 11. 

In close Catasta shut, i^c. 

Catasta is but a pair of Stocks in EngUsh, But Heroical Poetry must not 
admit of any vulgar word (especially of paultry signification) and 
therefore some of our Modern Authors are fain to import forrain words 
from abroad, that were never before heard of in our Language. 

'Twas he that made St. Francis do, &c. 

The antient Writers of the Lives of Saints, were of the same sort of 
People, who first writ of Knight- Errantry, and as in the one, they 
rendred the brave Aftions of some very great Persons ridiculous, by 
their prodigious Lies, and sottish way of describing them : So they have 
abus'd the Piety of some very devout Persons, by imposing such stories 
upon them, as this upon St. Francis. 

187 



HUDIBRAS 

This made the beautious Queen of Crete. 
The History of Pasiphae is common enough, only this may be observ'd, 
That though she brought the Bull a Son and Heir; yet the Husband was 
fain to father it, as appears by the Name, perhaps because the Countrey 
being an Island, he was within the four Seas, when the Infant was 
begotten. 

As your own Secretary Albertus. 
Albertus Magnus was a Sweedish Bishop, who wrote a very Learned 
Work, De Secretis Mulierum. 

Unless it be to squint and laugh. 
Pliny in his Natural History affirms that Uni animalium homini oculi 
depravantur, unde Cognomina Strabonum ic Patorum. Lib. %. 

As Fryer Bacon's Noddle was. 

The Tradition of Frier Bacon and the Brazen-Head, is very commonly 
known, and considering the times he liv'd in, is not much more strange 
then what another great Philosopher of his Name, has since deliver'd up 
of a Ring, that being ty'd in a string, and held like a Pendulum in the 
middle of a Silver Bowl, will vibrate of it self, and tell exaftly against 
the sides of the Divining Cup, the same thing with, Time is, Time 
•was, dye. 

Or like some Indians Sculls so tough, 
That Authors say th'are Musket proof. 
jimer[ic]an Indians, among whom (the same Authors affirm) that there are 
others, whose Sculls are so soft, to use their own words, Ut Digito 
perforari possunt. 

Or Oracle from Heart of Oak. 

Jufiters Oracle in Epirus, near the City of Dodona. Ubi Nemus erat Jovi 
sacrum, Querneum totum in quo Jovis Dodonmi Templum fuisse narratur. 

Semiramis of Babylon. 
Semiramis,- Queen of Assyria, is said to be the first that invented Eunuchs. 
Semiramis teneros mares castra-vit omnium Prima. Am. Marcel. L. 14. 
p. 2i. Which is something strange in a Lady of her Constitution, who 
is said to have receiv'd Horses into her embraces (as another Queen did 
a Bull) But that perhaps may be the reason, why she after thoi^t Men 
not worth the while. 

For some Philosophers of late here. 

S. K. D. in his Book of Bodies ; who has this story of the German-Boy, 
which he endeavours to make good by several Natural Reasons; By 
which those who have the Dexterity to believe what they please, may be 
fully satisfied of the probability of it. 



ANNOTATIONS TO THE SECOND PART 

A Persian Emp'ror whip'd his Granutn. 

Xerxes who us'd to whip the Seas and Winds. In Corum, atque Eurum 
solitus levire FlageUis. Juven. Sat. lo. 

So the antient Stoicks in their Porch. 

In Porticu (Stoicorum Schold Athenis) Discipulorum seditionibus, mille 
Quadringenti trtginta Cinies interfeSH sunt. Diog. Laert. in -vita Zenonis. 
p. 383. Those old Virtuoso's were better Proficients in those Exercises, 
than the Modern, who seldom improve higher than Cuffing, and 
Kicking. 

That Bonum is an Animal. 

Bonum is such a kind of Animal, as our Modern Virtuosi, from Don 
Quixot, will have Windmils under sail to be. The same Authors are of 
opinion. That all Ships are Fishes while they are afloat, but when they 
are run on ground, or laid up in the Dock, become Ships again. 

In a Town 



There liv'd a Cobler, and but one. 

This History of the Cobler has been attested by Persons of good credit, 
who were upon the place when it was done. 

Have been exchang'd for Tubs of Ale. 

The Knight was kept prisoner in Exeter, and after several exchanges 
propos'd, but none accepted of, was at last releas'd for a Barrel of Ale, 
as he often us'd, upon all occasions, to declare. 

Bore a Slave with him in his Chariot. 
Et sibi Consul. 



Ti'e placeat, curru servus fortatur eodem. Juven. Sat. 10. 

Hung out their Mantles Delia Guer. 

Tunica Coccinea solebat pridie quam dimicandum esset, supra Pratorium poni 
quasi admonitio iy indicium futura Pugna Lipsius in Tacit, p. 56. 

Next Links and Torches, i^c. 

That the Roman Emperors were wont to have Torches born before them 
(by day) in publick, appears by Herodian in Portinace. Lip. in Tacit. 
p. 16. 

Vespatian being daub'd with Durt. 

C. Caesar succensens, propter curam verrendis -viis non adhibitam, Lu,tojussit 
oppleri, congesto per milites in pnetexta sinum. Sueton in Vespas. Ca. 5. 

189 



HUDIBRAS 

Has not this present- Parliament, 
A Ledger to the Devil sent ? 

The Witchfinder in Suffolk, who in the Presbyterian times had a Com- 
mission to discover Witches, of whom (right or wrong) he caus'd 60 
to be hang'd within the compass of one year, and among the rest an old 
Minister, who had been a painful Preacher for many years. 

Did he not help the Dutch to purge, 
At Antwerp their Cathedral Church ? 

In the beginning of the Civil Wars of Flanders, the common people of 
Antiverp, in a tumult, broke open the Cathedral Church, to demolish 
Images and Shrines: and did so much mischief in a small time, that 
Strada writes. There were several Devils seen very busie among them, 
otherwise it had been impossible. 

Sing Catches to the Saints at Mascon. 

This Devil of Mascon deliver'd all his Oracles, like his Forefathers, in 
Verse, which he sung to Tunes : He made several Lampoons upon the 
Hugonots, and foretold them many things, which afterwards came to 
pass; as may be seen in his Memoires, written in French. 

Appear in divers shapes to Kelly, 

And speak i'th' Nun at Loudon^s Belly. 

The History of Dr. Dee and the Devil, published by Mer. Causabon, Isac. 
Fil. Prebend of Canterbury, has a large accompt of all those Passages ; 
in which the stile of the true and false Angels appears to be penn'd by 
one and the same person. The Nun of Loudon in France, and all her 
tricks have been seen by many Persons of Quality of this Nation, yet 
living, who have made very good observations upon the French Book 
written upon that occasion. 

Meet with the Parliaments Committee 
At Woodstock on a Pers'nal Treaty : 

A Committee of the long Parliament sitting in the Kings House in 
IVoodstock-Pari, were terrify'd with several Apparitions, the particulars 
whereof were then the News of the whole Nation. 

At Sarum took a Cavalier. 

IVtthers has a long story in Doggerel, of a Soldier of the Kings Army, 
who being a Prisoner at Salisbury, and drinking a health to the Devil 
upon his knees, was carried away by him through a single pane of 
Glass. 

190 



ANNOTATIONS TO THE SECOND PART 

Since old Hodg-Bacon, 
Roger Bacon, commonly called Frier Bacon, liv'd in the Reign of our 
Edward the I. and for some little skill he had in the Mathematicks, was, 
by the Rabble, accounted a Conjurer, and had the sottish story of the 
Brazen Head fether'd upon him, by the ignorant Monks of those days. 
Robert Grosthead was Bishop of Lincoln in the Reign of Hen. III. He 
was a Learned Man for those times, and for that reason suspefted by 
the Clergy to be a Conjurer, for which crime being degraded by Pope 
Innocent the IV. and summon'd to app[e]ar at Rome, he appeal'd to the 
Tribunal of Christ; which our Lawyers say is illegal, if not a 
Pramunire, for offering to sue in a Forraign Court. 

Which Socrates, and Charephon 
In vain assay'd so long agone. 
Aristophanes in his Comedy of the Clouds brings in Socrates and Charephon, 
measuring the Leap of a Flea, from the ones Beard to the others. 

Was rais'd by him, found out by Fisk. 

This Fisk was a late famous Astrologer, who flourish'd about the time of 
SiAtte and Face, and was equally celebrated by Ben. Johnson. 

Unless it be that Cannon-ball. 

This experiment was try'd by some Forreign Virtuoso's, who planted a 
Piece of Ordnance point-blanc against the Zenith, and having fir'd it, 
the Bullet never rebounded back again, which made them all conclude, 
that it sticks in the mark ; but Des Cartes was of opinion, That it does 
but hang in the Air. 

As lately was reveal'd to Sedgwyck. 
This Sedgwyck had many Persons (and some of Quality) that believ'd in 
him, and prepar'd to keep the day of Judgment with him, but were 
disappointed ; for which the false Prophet was afterwards call'd by the 
name of Doomesday Sed\g\'wyck. 

Your Modern Indian Magician 
Makes but a hole in th' Earth to piss in. 
This compendious new way of Magick is afBrm'd by Monsieur Le Blanc 
(in his Travels) to be us'd in the East-Indies. 

Bumbastus kept a Devils Bird, ^c. 
Paracelsus is said to have kept a small Devil pris'ner in the Pummel of his 
Sword, which was the reason, perhaps, why he was so valiant in his 
Drink; Howsoever it was to better purpose than Annibal carry'd 
poyson in his, to dispatch himself, if he should happen to be surpriz'd in 
any great extremity, for the Sword would have done the Feat alone, 
much better, and more Soldier-like. And it was below the Honor of so 
great a Commander, to go out of the World like a Rat. 

191 



HUDIBRAS 

Agrippa kept a Stygian Pug. 

Cornelius Agrippa had a Dog, that was suspefted to be a Spirit, for some 
tricks he was wont to do, beyond the capacity of a Dog, as it was 
thought ; but the Author of Magia Adamica has taken a great deal of 
pains to vindicate, both the Doftor and the Dog, from that aspersion, in 
which he has shown a very great respeft and kindness for them both. 

As Averrhoh play'd but a mean trick. 

Averrhois Astronomiam propter Excentricos contempsit. Phil. Melanfton 
in Elem. Phys. p. 781. 

The Median Emp'ror dreamt his Daughter. 

Astyages King of Media had this Dream of his Daughter Mandane, and the 
Interpretation from the Magi, wherefore he married her to a Persian of 
mean quality, by whom she had Cyrus, who conquer'd all Asia, and 
translated the Empire from the Medes to the Persians. Herodot. L. 2. 

When Casar in the Senate fell. 

Fiunt aliquando Prodigiosi, (b" longiores Solis De/ellus, quales occiso Casare 
Diilatore (&" Antoniano Bella, totius Anni Pallore continue, Plin. 

Augustus having b' oversight, l^c. 

Diims Augustus Lavum sihi prodidit calceum prapostere indutum, quo die 
seditione Militum prope affliShis est. Idem. Lib. 2. 

The Roman Senate when within, 
The City Walls an Owl was seen. 

Romani L. Crasso is" C. Marino"] Coss. Bubone visa orbem Itutrabant. 

For Anaxagoras long agone, 

Saw Hills, as well as you, i'th' Moon. 

A naxagoras affirmabat Solem Candens Ferrum esse, iS" Pelopi^nneso'\ major em: 
Lunam habitacula in se habere, (b" Colles, dy Folks. Fertur dixisse Calum 
omne ex Lapidibus esse Compositum ; Damnatus is" in exilium pulsus est, 
quod impie, Solem Candentem laminam esse dixisset. Diogen. Laert. in 
Anaxag. p. 11. 13. 

The Egyptians say, the Sun has twice 
Shifted his Setting and his Rise. 

JEgyptii Decern millia Annorum, iy amplius, recensent ; iy observatum est 
in hoc tanto Spatio, bis mutata esse Loca Ortuum iS" Occasuum solis ; it a 
ut Sol bis ortus sit ubi nunc occidit, is" bis descenderit ubi nunc oritur. 
Phil. Melanft. Lib. i. p, ^o. 

J92 



ANNOTATIONS TO THE SECOND PART 

Some hold the Heavens like a Top, 
Are kept by Circulation up. 

Causa quart Calum non cadit, (secundum Empedocleni) est •velocitas sui motus. 
Comment in L. s. Aristot. de Caclo. 

Plato believ'd the Sun and Moon 
Below all other Planets run. 

Plato Solem is" Lunam ceteris Planetis inferiores esse putavit. G. Cunning. 
in Cosmogr. L. i. p. ii. 

The Learned Scaliger complain'd. 

Copernicus in Liiris Revolutionum, deinde R£inholdus, post etiam Stadius, 
Mathematici nobiles perspicuis Demonst\r~\ationibus docueru[n'Jt, soils Apsida 
Terris esse pro[jiiJorem, quam Ptolomai atate duodecim partihus, i.e. uno 
iy triginta terra semidiametris. Jo. Bod. Met. Hist. p. 455. 

Cardan believ'd great States depend, fsff. 

Putat Cardanus, ab extrema Cauda Helices seu Majoris ursa omne magn[u']m 
Imperium pendere. Id. p. 325. 

Than th' old Chaldean Conjurers 
In so many hundred thousand years. 

Chalditi jaSant se quadringinta septuaginta Annorum millia in periditandis, 
experiundisque Puerorum Animis posuisse. Cicero. 

Like Money by the Druids borrow'd, fsfc. 

DruiJa pecuniam mutuo accipiebant in Posteriore vita redituri. Patricius 
Tom. 2. p. 97. 

That paultry story is untrue 

And forg'd to cheat such Gulls as you. 

There was a notorious Ideot (that is here describ'd by the Name and 
Charafter of Wbacum^ who counterfeited a Second Part of Hudibras, as 
untowardly as Captain Po, who could not write himself, and yet made 
a shift to stand on the Pillory, for Forging other Mens Hands, as his 
Fellow Whachum, no doubt deserv'd ; in whose abominable Doggerel 
This story of Hudibras and a French Mountebank at Brentford-Yaiv, is 
as properly describ'd. 

N 193 



HUDIBRAS 

That the vibration of this Pendulum, 
Shall make all Taylors Yards, of one 
Unanimous opinion. 

The device of the Vibration of a Pendulum, was intended to settle a 
certain Measure of Ells and Yards, is'c. (that should have its foundation 
in Nature) all the world over : For by swinging a weight at the end of 
a string, and calculating (by the motion of the Sun, or any Star) how 
long the Vibration would last, in proportion to the length of the String, 
and weight of the Pendulum ; they thought to reduce it back again, and 
from any part of time, compute the exaft length of any string, that 
must necessarily vibrate in so much space of time : So that if a man 
should ask in China for a Quarter of an Hour of Satin or Taffeta, they 
would know perfeftly what it meant. And all Mankind learn a new 
way to measure things no more by the Yard, Foot, or Inch, but by the 
Hour, Quarter, and Minute. 

Before the Secular Prince of Darkness. 

As the Devil is the spiritual Prince of Darkness, so is the Constable the 
Secular, who governs in the night with as great Authority as his 
Colleague, but far more imperiously. 



FINIS. 



1 94 



HUDIBRAS. 

THE 

Third and last 

PART. 



Written by the Authour 

OF THE 

First and Second Parts. 
LONDON, 

Printed for Robert Home, at the South Entrance 
of the Royal-Exchange. i6yg. 

N2 195 



Licensed and Entred according to the 
ASi of Parliament for Printing. 



196 



HUDIBRAS. 

The Third and Last Part. 

The ARGUMENT of the 
FIRST CANTO of the Third Part. 

The Knight and Squire resolve at once. 

The one the other to renounce. 

They both approach the Ladie's Bower, 

The Squire t' inform, the Knight to wooe her. 

She treats them with a Masquerade, 

By Furies and Hobgoblins made : 

From which the Squire conveys the Knight, 

And steals him, from himself, by Night. 

cjNro I. 



'"' I "IS true, no Lover has that Pow'r 

X T' enforce a desperate Amour, 
As he that has two Strings to's Bow, 
And burns for Love and Money too : 
For then he's Brave and Resolute, 
Disdains to render in his Suit, 
H'as all his Flames and Raptures double, 
And hangs or drowns with half the trouble. 

197 



HUDIBRAS 

While those who sillily pursue 

The simple downright way and true, 

Make as unlucky Applications, 

And steer against the Stream their passions. 

Some forge their Mistresses of Stars: 

And when the Ladies prove averse, 

And more untoward to be won, 

Then by Caligula the Moon, 

Cry out upon the Stars for doing 

111 Offices, to cross their wooing; 

When onely by themselves they're hindred, 

!^r tx\x^\ng~ihose' they made her "^indxMT' 

And still the ' harsher " and Hide-bouhdeT 

The Damsels prove, become the fonder. 

For what mad Lover ever dy'd, 

To gain a soft and gentle Bride? 

Or for a Lady tender-hearted. 

In purling Streams or Hemp departed ? 

Leap'd headlong int' Elizium, 

Through th' Windows of a dazling Room? 

But for some cross ill-natur'd Dame, 

The am'rous Fly burnt in his flame. 

This to the Knight could be no News, 

With all Mankind so much in use ; 

Who therefore took the wiser course. 

To make the most of his Amours, 

Resolv'd to try all sorts of ways, 

As follows in due Time and Place. 

No sooner was the bloody Fight 

Between the Wizard and the Knight 

With all th' Appurtenances over. 

But he relaps'd again t' a Lover: 

As he was always wont to doe 

When h' had discomfited a Foe, 

And us'd the onely Antick Philters 

Deriv'd from old Heroick Tilters. 

But now Triumphant and Viftorious, 

He held th' Atchievement was too glorious 

For such a Conquerour, to meddle 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

With Petty Constable^ or Beadle; 

Or fly for Refuge to the Hostess 

Of th' Inns of Court and Chanc'ry, justice: 

Who might, perhaps, reduce his Cause 

To th' Ordeal Tryal of the Laws ; 

Where none escape, but such as branded 

With red-hot Irons have past Bare-handed; 

And if they cannot reade one Verse 

r th' Psalms^ must sing it, and that's worse. 

He therefore, judging it below him, 

To tempt a shame the Devil might owe him, 

Resolv'd to leave the Squire for Bail 

And Mainprize for him, to the Gaol^ 

To answer, with his Vessel, all 

That might disastrously befall. 

He thought it now the fittest junfture, 

To give the Lady a Rencounter ; 

T' acquaint her with his Expedition, 

And Conquest o're the fierce Magician ; 

Describe the manner of the Fray, 

And shew the spoils he brought away; 

His bloody Scourging aggravate, 

The Number of the Blows and Weight : 

All which might probably succeed. 

And gain belief h'had done the deed. 

Which he resolv'd t' enforce, and spare 

No pawning of his Soul, to swear ; 

But, rather then^^produce his Back, 

To set his Conscience on the Rack : 

And, in pursuance of his \irg'mg 

Of Articles perform'd, and scourging. 

And all things else upon his part. 

Demand delivery of her Heart, 

Her Goods, and Chattels, and good Graces, 

And Person, up to his embraces. 

Thought he, the ancient Errant Knights 

Wone all their Ladies Hearts in Fights, 

And cut whole Giants into fitters. 

To put them into amorous twitters ; 

Whose stubborn Bowels scorn'd to yield 



199 



HUDIBRAS 

Until their Gallants were half kill'd: 
But when their Bones were drubb'd so sore 
They durst not wooe one Combat more. 
The Ladies Hearts began to melt, 
Subdu'd with Blows their Lovers felt. 
So Spanish Heroes with their Lances 
At once wound Bulls and Ladies fancies : 
And he acquires the noblest Spouse 
That Widow's greatest Herds of Cows. 
Then what may I exped: to doe, 
Wh' have quell'd so vzst a Buffalo? 

Mean while the Squire was on his way. 
The Knight's late Orders to obey; 
Who sent him for a strong Detachment 
Of BeadleSy Constables and JVatchmen, 
T' attack the Cunning-man for Plunder 
Committed falsely on his Lumber, 
When he, who had so lately sack'd 
V Tlie_Knen^~"ErJ done the Fact, 
) Ha3 riHeH^an his Pokes and Fobs 
j Of Gtmcracis, tVhims thiA Ji^utniobs, 
WE3Te~by hcKjk or crook lud "^^er'd, 
, AndTfor his own Inventions fetherM : 
; AiiJ when they should, at Gaol-delivery, 
Unriddle one another's Thievery, 
Both might have evidence enou^ 
To render neither halter-proof. 
He thought it desperate to tarry, 
And venture to be Accessary: 
But rather wisely slip his Fetters, 
And leave them for the Knight, his Betters. 
He call'd to mind th' unjust foul play 
He would have offer'd him that day. 
To make him curry his own Hide, 
Which no Beast ever did beside. 
Without all possible evasion. 
But of the Riding Dispensation. 
And therefore much about the hour. 
The Knight (for reasons told before) 
200 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

Resolv'd to leave him to the Fury 
Of 'Justice and an unpack'd Jury. 
The Squire concurr'd t' abandon him, 
AnJ'serve him in the self-same Trim,; 
T' acquaint the Lady what h'had done, 
And what he meant to carry 651 '^ 
Wha^ Pr£/V<f7 'twas he went about, 
When Sidro^EeTaxSTiieTSr'miX; 
His firm and ~sS3fast~ESolution7 
To swear her to an Execution; 
To pawn his inward Ears, to marry her, 
And Bribe the Devil himself to carry her. 
In which both dealt, as if they meant 
Their Party Saints to represent,_ 
Who never fail'd, upon their sharing 
In any Prosperous Arms-Bearing, 
To lay themselves out, to supplant 
Each other Cosin-German Saint. 
But e'r the Knight could doe his Part, 
The Squire had got so much the Start, 
H'had to the Lady done his Errand, 
And told her all his Tricks afore-hand. 
Just as he finish'd his Report, 
The Knight alighted in the Court ; 
And having ty'd his Beast t' a Pale, 
And taken time for both to stale. 
He put his Band and Beard in order. 
The Sprucer to accost and board her; 
And now began t' approach the Door : 
When she, wh' had spy'd him out before, 
Convey'd th' Informer out of sight, 
And went to entertain the Knight. 
With whom encountring after Longees 
Of humble and submissive Congees, 
And all due Ceremonies paid, 
He stroak'd his Beard, and thus he said: 
Madam, / do, as is my Duty, 
Honour the Shadow of your Shoe-tye: 
And now am come, to bring your Ear 
A Present yoiCl be glad to hear; 

201 



HUDIBRAS 

At least I hope so. The thing's done. 
Or may I never see the Sun; 
For which I humbly now demand 
Performance at your gentle Hand: 
And that you' Id please to doe your part. 
As I have done mine to my smart. 
With that he shrugg'd his sturdy Back, 
As if he felt his Shoulders ake. 
But she, who well enough knew what 
(Before he spoke) he would be at, 
Pretended not to apprehend 
The Mystery of what he mean'd : 
And therefore wish'd him to expound 
His dark expressions less profound. 
Madam, quoth he, / come to prove 
How much I've suffer' d for your Love, 
Which {like your Votary) to win, 
I have not spar'd my tatter' d skin: 
And, for those meritorious Lashes, 
To claim your favour and good Graces. 
Quoth she, / do remember once 
I freed you from th' inchanted Sconce ; 
And that you promis'd, for that favour. 
To bind your Back to th' good Behaviour, 
And for my Sake and Service vow'd 
To lay upon't a heavy Load, 
And what 'twould bear t' a scruple prove. 
As other Knights do oft make love. 
Which whether you have done or no. 
Concerns your self, not me, to know. 
But if you have, I shall confess, 
T' are honester then I could guess. 
Quoth he. If you suspeSl my troth, 
I cannot prove it but by Oath; 
And, if you make a question on't, 
I'll pawn my Soul, that I have don't. 
And he that makes his Soul his Surety, 
I think, does give the best security. 
Quoth she. Some say, the Soul's secure 
Against Distress and Forfeiture; 

202 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

Is free from ASiion, and exempt 

From Execution and Contempt; 

And to be summoned to appear 

In tV other world^ 's illegal here: 

And therefore few make any account, 

Inf what incumbrances they runt. 

For most Men carry things so even 

Between this World, and Hell and Heaven, 

Without the least offence to either. 

They freely deal in all together; 

And equally abhor to quit 

This World for both, or both for it. 

And when they pawn and damn their Souls, 

They are but Prisoners on Parols. 

For that, quoth he, 'tis rational. 

They may be accomptable in all. 

For when there is that intercourse 

Between Divine and Humane Powers, 

That all that we determine here 

Commands Obedience every where; 

When Penalties may be commuted 

For Fines, or Ears, and Executed; 

It follows, nothing binds so fast 

As Souls in Pawn and Mortgage past. 

For Oaths are tV onely Tests and Scales 

Of Right and Wrong, and True and False : 

And there's no other way to try 

The Doubts of Law and Justice by. 

Quoth she, What is it you would Swear? 

Therms no believing till I hear: 

For till tV are understood, all Tales 

{Like Nonsense) are not True, nor False. 

Quoth he. When I resolved i" obey 

What you commanded tV other day. 

And to perform my Exercise, 

{As Schools are wont) for your fair eyes ; 

T' avoid all Scruples in the Case, 

I went to doe't upon the Place. 

But as the Castle is inchanted 

By Sidrophel the Witch, and haunted 



203 



HUDIBRAS 

With evil Spirits^ as you know. 

Who took my Squire and me for two; 

Before I'd hardly time to lay 

My weapons by, and disarray, 

I heard a Formidable Noise 

Loud as the Stentrophonick Voice, 

That Roar'd far off". Dispatch and Strip, 

I'm ready with th' Infernal Whip, 

That shall devest thy Ribs of Skin, 

To expiate thy lingring Sin. 

Th' hast broke perfidiously thy Oath, 

And not perform'd thy plighted Troth ; 

But spar'd thy Renegado Back, 

Where th' hadst so great a Prize at Stake : 

Which now the Fates have order' d me 

For Penance and Revenge to Flay, 

Unless thou presently make haste. 

Time is. Time was : and there it ceas'd. 

With which though startled, I confess. 

Yet th' Horrour of the thing was less 

Then th' other Dismal apprehension 

Of Interruption or Prevention. 

And therefore snatching up the Rod, 

I laid upon my Back a load; 

Resolv'd to spare no Flesh and Bloud, 

To make my Word and Honour good. 

Till tir'd, and taking Truce at length. 

For new Recruits of Breath and Strength, 

I felt the Blows still ply'd as fast. 

As if th' had been by Lovers plac'd 

In Raptures ofJPJatonukJLashing, 

And chast Contemplative Bardashing. 

When facing hastily about. 

To stand upon my Guard and Scout, 

I found th' Infernal Cunning-man, 

And th' Under-witch, his Caliban, 

With Scourges {like the Furies) arm'd. 

That on my outward Quarters storm'd. 

In hast I snatch' d my weapon up. 

And gave their Hellish Rage a stop; 



204 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

Caird thrice upon your Name, and fell 
Courageously on Sidrophel: 
Who now transformed himself t'' a Bear, 
Began to roar aloud and tear ; 
When I as furiously prest on. 
My weapon down his Throat to run. 
Laid hold on him : but he broke loose. 
And turn'd himself into a Goose, 
Div'd under Water, in a Pond, 
To hide himself from being found. 
In vain I sought him, but as soon 
As I perceived him fled and gone. 
Prepared with equal Haste and Rage, 
His Under-Sorcerer f ingage. 
But bravely Scorning to defile 
My Sword with feeble bloud and vile ; 
I jud^d it better from a Quick- 
Set-Hedge to cut a knotted Stick, 
With which I furiously laid on ; 
Till in a harsh and dolefull tone 
It roar'd. Oh hold for pity. Sir, 
I am too great a Sufferer, 
Abused, as you have been, V a Witch, 
But conjured int' a worse Caprich : 
Who sends me out on many a fount. 
Old Houses in the Night to haunt. 
For opportunities f improve 
Designs of Thievery or Love ; 
With Drugs conveyed in Drink or Meat, 
All Feats of Witches counterfeit ; 
Kill Pigs and Geese with poudred Glass, 
And make it for Inchantments pass ; 
With Cow-itch meazle like a Leper, 
And choak with Fumes of Guiny-Pepper ; 
Make Leachers and their Punks with Dewtry 
Commit phantastical Advowtry; 
Bewitch Hermetick-men to run 
Stark staring mad with Manicon ; 
Believe Mechanick Virtuosi 
Can raise 'em Mountains in Potosi ; 



205 



HUDIBRAS 

And sillier then the Antick Fools, 

Take Treasure for a Heap of Coals: 

Seek out for Plants with Signatures, 

To Quack of Universal Cures; 

With Figures ground on Panes of Glass, 

Make People on their Heads to pass; 

And mighty heaps of Coyn increase, 

Refle£fed from a single piece : 

To draw in Fools, whose Nafral Itches 

Incline perpetually to Witches; 

And keep me in continual Fears, 

And Danger of my Neck and Ears : 

When less Delinquent have been scoured. 

And Hemp on wooden Anvils forged. 

Which others for Cravats have worn 

About their Necks, and took a Turn. 

I pity'd the sad Punishment 

The wretched Caitiffe underwent, 

And held my Drubbing of his Bones 

Too great an honour for Pultrones ; 

For Knights are bound to feel no Blows 

From paltry and unequal Foes, 

Who when they slash and cut to pieces. 

Doe all with civillest addresses : 

Their Horses never give a blow, 

But when they make a Leg and Bow. 

I therefore spar'd his Flesh, and prest him 

About the Witch with many a Question. 

Quoth he. For many years he drove 

A kind of Broking-Trade in Love, 

Employ'd in all th' Intrigues and Trust 

Of feeble Speculative Lust ; 

Procurer to tV Extravagancy 

And crazy Ribaldry of Fancy. 

By those the Devil had forsook. 

As things below him, to provoke. 

But b'ing a Virtuoso, able 

To Smatter, Quack, and Cant, and Dabble, 

He held his Talent most Adroit 

For any Mystical Exploit ; 

206 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

As others of his Tribe had done. 

And rais'd their Prizes Three to One. 

For one Predicting Pimp has th' Odds 

Of Chauldrons of plain downright Bauds. 

But as an Elf {the Devil's Valet) 

Is not so slight a thing to get. 

For those that doe his business best, 

In Hell are us'd the ruggedest; 

Before so meriting a Person 

Could get a Grant, but in Reversion, 

He served two Prentiships and longer 

r th" Mysfry of a Lady-Monger. 

For (as some write) A Witche's Ghost, 

As soon as from the Body loos' d. 

Becomes a Puiny-Imp it self, 

And is another Witche's Elf. 

He after seal/jching far and near, 

Athngihfound one in LancashirCj^ 

WlihTJuJ}orn~hTTargatn d bef^reUand, 

And, after Hanging, entertain'd. 

Since which h' has plaid a thousand Feats, 

And praSfis'd all Mechanick Cheats : 

Transform'd himself to th' ugly Shapes 

Of Wolves, and Bears, Baboons, and Apes; 

Which he has vary'd more then Witches, 

Or Pharaoh'f Wizards could their Switches ; 

And all with whom h' has had to doe, 

Turn'd to as Monstrous Figures too. 

Witness my self, whom h' has abus'd, 

And to this Beastly shape reduc'd. 

By feeding me on Beans and Pease, 

He crams in nasty Crevises, 

And turns to Comfits by his Arts, 

To make me relish for Disserts, 

And one by one with Shame and Fear 

Lick up the candid Provender. 

Beside But as h' was running on, 

To tell what other Feats h' had done, 

The Lady stopt his full Career, 

And told him, now 'twas time to hear: 



207 



HUDIBRAS 

If half those things (said she) be true, 

(T'h' are ail (quoth he) / swear by you :) 

TVhy then (said she) that Sidrophel 

Has damn d himself to th" Pit of Hell ; 

Who, mounted on a Broom, the Nag 

And Hackney of a Lapland Hag, 

In Quest of you came hither Post, 

Within an Hour {I'm sure) at most; 

Who told me all you swear and say. 

Quite contrary another way; 

Vow'd, that you came to him to know 

If you should carry me or no; 

And would have hir'd him and his Imps, 

To be your Match-makers and Pimps, 

T' ingage the Devil on your side. 

And steal (like Proserpine) your Bride. 

But he disdaining to embrace 

So filthy a Design and base. 

You fell to vapouring and huffing. 

And drew upon him, like a Ruffin; 

Surprized him meanly, unprepared. 

Before V had time to mount his Guard; 

And left him dead upon the Ground, 

With many a Bruise and desperate wound: 

Swore you had broke and robb'd his House, 

And stole his Talismanique Louse, 

And all his^ New-found Old Inventions, 

WitBfldi Felontour Ihteniions i 

Which he could bring out, where he had. 

And what he bought 'em for and paid ; 

His Flea, his Morpion, and Punese, 

H' had gotten for his proper ease. 

And all in perfeSl Minutes made. 

By tV ablest Artists of the Trade ; 

Which (he could prove it) since he lost. 

He has been eaten up almost; 

And all together might amount 

To many hundreds on account: 

For which h' had got sufficient warrant 

To seize the Malefa^ors_Errant^ 



208 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

Without capacity of Bail, 

But of a Cart's or Horse's Tail ; 

And did not doubt to bring the Wretches, 

To serve for Pendulums to Watches ; 

Which modern Virtuoso's say. 

Incline to Hanging every way. 

Beside he swore, and swore 'twas true. 

That e're he went in Quest of you. 

He set a Figure to discover 

If you were fled to Rye or Dover ; 

And found it clear, that, to betray 

Tour selves and me, you fled this way; 

And that he was upon pursuit. 

To take you somewhere hereabout. 

He vow'd h' had had Intelligence 

Of all that past before and since : 

And found, that e're you came to him, 

T' had been ingaging Life and Lim 

About a case of tender Conscience, 

Where both abounded in your own Sense ; 

Till Ralpho, by his Light and Grace, 

Had clear' d all Scruples in the Case ; 

And prov'd that you might swear, and own 

Whatever' s by the Wicked done. 

For which, most basely to requite 

The Service of his Gifts and Light, 

You strove f oblige him by main force. 

To scourge his Ribs in stead of yours, 

But that he stood upon his Guard, 

And all your vapouring outdar'd: 

For which, between you both, the Feat 

Has never been performed as yet. 

While thus the Lady talk'd, the Knight 

Turn'd th' Outside of his eyes to white. 

{As men of Inward Light are wont 

fo turrTWeiFjOftic^ln uj^on't.) 

He~won3er'dTiow~she carne^if know 

What he had done, and meant to doe: 

Held up his Affidavit hand, 

As if h' had been to be arraign'd: 

o 209 



HUDIBRAS 

Cast tow'rds the Door a ghastly look, 

In dread of Sidrophel, and spoke. 

Madam, if but one word be true 

Of all the Wizard has told you, 

Or hut one single Circumstance 

In all th' Apocryphal Romance, 

May dreadfull Earthquakes swallow down 

This Vessel, that is all your own; 

Or may the Heavens fall, and cover 

These Reliques of your constant Lover. 

You have provided well, quoth She, 

(/ thank you) for your self and me; 

And shewn your Presbyterian wits 

Jump punctual with the Jesuits. 

A most compendious way and civil. 

At once to cheat the World, the Devil, 

And Heav'n and Hell, your Selves and Those 

On whom you vainly think /' impose. 

Why then (quoth he) may Hell surprize. 

That trick (said she) will not pass twice: 

I've learn'd how far I'm to believe 

Tour pinning Oaths upon your Sleeve. 

But there's a better way of Clearing 

What you would prove then downright Swearing; 

For if you have perform' d the Feat, 

The Blows are visible as yet 

Enough to serve for satisfailion 

Of nicest scruples in the ASfion. 

And if you can produce those Knobs, 

Although th' are but the Witche's Drubs, 

I'll pass them all upon account. 

As tf your natural Self had don't. 

Provided that they pass th' Opinion 

Of able furies of old Women, 

Who, us'd to judge all matt'r of FaSls 

For Bellies, may doe so for Backs. 

Madam, (quoth he) your Love's a Million, 
To doe is less then to be willing. 
As I am, were it in my pow'r, 

210 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

y obey what you command, and more. 
But for performing what you bid, 
I thank you as much as if I did. 
You know I ought to have a care 
To keep my Wounds from taking Air : 
For Wounds in those that are all Heart 
Are dangerous in any Part. 

I find (quoth she) my Goods and Chattels 

Are like to prove but meer drawn Battels ; 

For still the longer we contend. 

We are but farther off the end. 

But granting now we should agree. 

What is it you expeSt from me ? 

Tour plighted Faith (quoth he) and Word 

Tou past in Heaven on Record, 

Where all Contraiis, to have and f hold. 

Are everlastingly inroVd. 

And if ^tis counted Treason, here 

To race Records, 'tis much more there. 

Quoth she, There are no Bargains driven 

Nor Marriages clapp'd up in Heaven : 

Ah£ thafs the reason, as some guess., 

There is no Heav'n th Marriages ; 

Two things that naturally press 

Too narrowly, to be at ease. 

Their business there is onely Love, 

Which Marriage is not like f improve. 

Love, that's too generous, f abide 

To be against its Nature ty'd : 

For where 'tis of it self inclin'd, 

It breaks loose when it is confin'd; 

And like the Soul, its harbourer, 

Debarr'd the freedom of the Air, 

Disdains against its will to stay. 

But struggles out, and flies away : 

And therefore never can comply, 

T' endure the Matrimonial tye. 

That binds the Female and the Male, 

Where th' one is but the other's Bail; 

O 2 211 



HUDIBRAS 

Like Roman Gaolers, when they slept. 
Chained to the Prisoners they kept. 
Of which the True and FaithfuWst Lover 
Gives best security, to suffer. 

Marriage is but a Beast, some say. 

That carries double in foul way ; 

And therefore 'tis not to F admired. 

It should so suddenly be tir'd: 

A bargain at a venture made 

Between two Partners in a Trade, 

(\F'\or whafs inferred by T"' have, and f hold. 

But something past away, and sold ?) 

That as it makes but one of two. 

Reduces all things else as low : 

And at the best is but a Mart 

Between the one and tV other part. 

That on the Marriage-day is paid. 

Or hour of Death, the Bet it laid. 

And all the rest of Betfr or worse 

Both are but losers out of Purse. 

For when upon their ungot Heirs 

TV intail themselves, and all that's theirs. 

What blinder Bargain e're was driven. 

Or Wager laid at six and seven ? 

To pass themselves away, and turn 

Their Children's Tenants e're th' are born ? 

Beg one another Idiot 

To Guardians, e're they are begot ; 

Or ever shall, perhaps, by th' one. 

Who's bound to vouch 'em for his own. 

Though got b' Implicit Generation, 

And General Club of all the Nation : 

For which she's fortify' d no less 

Then all the Island, with four Seas ; 

Exaifs the Tribute of her Dow'r 

In ready Insolence and Pow'r ; 

And makes him pass away, to Have 

And Hold, to her, himself, her slave. 

More wretched then an Ancient Villain, 

212 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

Condemn' d to Drudgery and Tilling; 

While all he does upon the By, 

She is not bound to justifie, 

Nor at her proper cost and charge 

Maintain the Feats he does at large. 

Such hideous Sots were those obedient 

Old f^assals to their Ladies Regent ; 

To give the Cheats the Eldest hand 

In Foul Play, by the Laws o" tV Land; 

For which so many a legal Cuckold 

Has been run down in Courts, and truckled. 

A Law that most unjustly yokes 

J??7^ohns of Stiles^'fo Joans of Nokes, 

Without distinifion of Degree, 

Condition, Age^ or Quality ; 

Admits no Pow'r of Revocation, 

Nor valuable Consideration, 

Nor Writ of Errqr^nor Reverse 

Of 'Judgement past For better or worse ; 

Will not allow the Priviledges 

That Beggars challenge under Hedges, 

Who, when tV are griev'd, can make dead Horses 

Their Spiritual Judges of Divorces ; 

While nothing else but Rem in Re, 

Can set the proudest Wretches free : 

A Slavery beyond enduring. 

But that 'tis of their own procuring. 

As Spiders never seek the Fly, 

But leave him, of himself, f apply : 

So men are by themselves betray'd, 

To quit the freedom they injofd. 

And run their Necks into a Nooze, 

They'ld break 'em after, to break loose. 

As some, whom Death would not depart. 

Have done the Feat themselves by Art. 

Like Indian-Widows, gone to Bed 

In Flaming Curtains to the Dead: 

And Men as often dangled for't. 

And yet will never leave the Sport. 



213 



HUDIBRAS 

Nor do the Ladies want excuse 

For all the Strategems they use, 

To gain th' advantage of the Set, 

And lurch the Amorous Rook and Cheat. 

For as a Pythagorean Soul 

Runs through all Beasts, and Fish, and Fowl, 

And has a smack of ev'ry one : 

So Love does, and has ever done. 

And therefore, though ^tis ne'r so fond. 

Takes strangely to the Vagabond. 

'Tis but an Ague that's reverst. 

Whose hot fit takes the Patient first. 

That after burns with cold as much 

As Ir'n in Greenland does the touch ; 

Melts in the Furnace of desire, 

Like Glass, that's but the Ice of Fire ; 

And when his heat of Fancy's over. 

Becomes as hard and frail a Lover. 

For when he's with Love-powder laden. 

And Prim'd, and Cocked by Miss, or Madam, 

The smallest sparkle of an Eye 

Gives Fire to his Artillery; 

And off the loud Oaths go, but while 

TV are in the very ASt, recoil. 

Hence_^tisj^ so few dare take their chance 

Without ja_sep' rate matniehance : 

And Widows, who have try' d one Lover, 

Trust none agdin^tUrTh' have made jver. 

Or if they 'Eoe^^ore tl5eyniarry. 

The Foxes weigh the Geese they carry : 

And e're they venture o're a stream. 

Know how to size themselves and them. 

Whence witty'st Ladies always choose 

To undertake the heaviest Goose. 

For now the World is grown so wary. 

That few of either Sex dare marry. 

But rather trust on tick t'~Amours, 

The_ Crgse and Pile for Bett'r orWorse : 

A Mode that is held honourable, 

As well as French and fashionable. 



214 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

For when it falls out for the best, 

Where both are incommoded least. 

In Soul and Body two unite, 

To make up one Hermaphrodite ; 

Still Amorous, and fond, and Billing, 

Like Philip and Mary on a Shilling, , 

Th' have more Punililio's and Capriches] 

Between the Petticoat and Breeches, 

More petulant Extravagancies, 

Then Poets make 'em in Romances. 

Though, when their Heroes 'spouse the Dames, 

We hear no more of Charms and Flames: 

For then their late attraSls decline. 

And turn as eager as Prick' d Wine ; 

And all their Catterwauling tricks. 

In earnest to as jealous Piques : 

Which th' Ancients wisely signify'd. 

By th' yellow Manto's of the Bride. 

For Jealousie is but a kind 

Of CT^^^^anajGrincam~^ the Mind, 

'i he liaturar~^e£r~df~CmJe, " 

As other Flames and Aches prove : 

But all the mischief is, the doubt 

On whose account they first broke out. 

For though Chineses go to Bed, 

And lie in in their Ladies stead. 

And for the pains they took before. 

Are nurs'd and pamper' d to doe more : 

Our Green-men doe it worse, when th' hap 

To fall in Igbpur of a Clap ; 

Both lay the Child to one another : 

But who's the Father, who the Mother, 

'Tis hard to say in multitudes. 

Or who imported the French fioa^ 

But Health and Sickness b'ing all one. 

Which both ingag'd before to own. 

And are not with their Bodies hound 

To Worship onely when th' are sound ; 

Both give and take their equal shares 

Of all they suffer by false Wares : 



215 



HUDIBRAS 

• A Fate no Lover can divert 
With all his caution, JVit, and Art. 
For 'tis in vain to think to guess 
At Women by Appearances, 
That Paint and Patch their ImperfeSiions 
Of IntelleSfual Complexions, 
And daub their Tempers o're with Washes 
As artificial as their Faces ; 
Wear under Fi%ard-Masks their Talents 
And Mother Wits before their Gallants ; 
Until tV are hampered in the Nooze, 
Too fast to dream of breaking loose : 
When all the Flaws they strove to hide 
Are made unready, with the Bride, 
\That with her Wedding-cloaths undresses 
Her Complaisance and Gentilesses ; 
^ries all her Arts, to take upon her 
The Government from tV easie owner. 
Until the Wretch is glad to wave 
His lawfull Right, and turn her Slave ; 
Winds all his Having, and his Holding, 
Reduc'd f eternal Noise and Scolding, 
The Conjugal Petard, that tears 
Down all Portcullices of Ears, 
And makes the Folly of one Tongue 
For all their Leathern Shields too strong, 
'.When onely arm'd with Noise and Nails, 
The Female Silk-worms ride the Males, 
Transform 'em into Rams and Goats, 
Like Sirens with their charming Notes, 
Sweet as a Screech-Owl's Serenade, 
Or those inchanting murmurs made 
By th' Husband Mandrake and the Wife, 
Both bury'd {like themselves^ alive. 

Quoth he, these Reasons are but strains 
Of wanton, over-heated Brains, 
Which Ralliers in their Wit or Drink 
Do rather wheedle with, then think. 
Man was not Man in Paradise, 

2l6 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

Until/ he was Created twice. 

And had his better half, his Bride, 

Carv'd from tV Original, his side, 

T"' amend his Natural defeifs, 

And perfeEl his recruited Sex, 

Inlarge his Breed, at once, and lessen 

The Pains and labour of increasing, 

By changing them for other cares, 

As by his drfd-up Paps appears. 

His Body, that stupendious Frame, 

Of all the World the Anagram, 

Is of two equal parts compaEi 

In Shape and Symmetry exaSl. 

Of which the Left and Female side 

Is to the Manly Right a Bride, 

Both joyn'd together with such Art, 

That nothing else but Death can part. 

Those Heavenly AttraSis of yours, your Eyes, 

And Face, that all the World surprize. 

That dazle all that look upon ye. 

And scorch all other Ladies Tawny; 

Those ravishing and charming Graces, 

Are all made up of two Half Faces, 

That in a Mathematick Line, 

Like those in other Heavens, join. 

Of which if either grew alone, 

''T would fright as much to look upon: 

And so would that sweet Bud, your Lip, 

Without the other's fellowship. 

Our Noblest Senses ait by Pairs, 

Two Eyes to see^ to" hear two Ears ; 

Th' Intelligencers of the Mind, 

To watt upon the Soul design d. 

Bur those that serve the Body alone, 

Are single arid confined to one. 

The World is hut two Parts, that meet. 

And close at tV MquinoSiial, fit ; 

And so are all the Works of Nature, 

Stamped with her signature on Matter : 

Which all her Creatures, to a Leaf, 



217 



HUDIBRAS 

Or smallest Blade of Grass, receive. 
All which sufficiently declare 
How intirely Marriage is her care, 
The onely method that she uses. 
In all the wonders she produces. 
And those that take their rules from her. 
Can never be deceived, nor err. 
Forjwhat secures the Civil Life 
But pawns of 'Childreif and a Pf^ife ; 
That lie,' like Hostages, at Ifdle^' ' 
To pay for 'all 'M^en uncCertah ? 
To wBom it 'ts~a~s~Tiecessary,' 
As to he born and breath, to marry; 
So Universal, all Mankind 
In nothing else is of one mind. 
For in what stupid Age, or Nation, 
JVas Marriage ever out of Fashion ? 
Unless among the Amazons, 
Or Vestal Friers, and Cloister' d Nuns, 
Or Stoicks, who, to bar the Freaks 
And loose Excesses of the Sex, 
Preposterously would have all Women 
Turned up to all the World in common. 
' Though Men would find such mortal Fewds 
In sharing of their publick Goods, 
,'Twould put them to more charge of Lives, 
I Then tV are supply" d with now by Wives ; 
Until they Graze, and wear their Gloaths, 
As Beasts doe, of their Native Growths : 
For simple wearing of their Horns, 
Will not suffice to serve their turns. 
^.For what can we pretend t' inherit, 
[Unless the Marriage-deed will hear it ? 
•Could claim no Right to Lands or Rents, 
jBut for our Parents settlements. 
Had been but younger Sons o' th" Earth, 
Debarred it all, but for our Birth. 
What Honours, or Estates of Peers 
\ Could be preserv'd but by their Heirs ? 
And what security maintains 

2l8 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

Their Right and Title, but the Banes ? 
What Crowns could he Hereditary, 
If greatest Monarchs did not marry. 
And with their Consorts consummate 
Their weightiest Interests of State ? 
For all tV Amours of Princes are 
But Guarranties of Peace or War. 
Or what but Marriage has a Charm, 
The~Rage of Empires to disarm. 
Make Bloud and Desolation cease. 
And Fire and Sword unite in Peace, 
When all their fierce contests for Forrage 
Conclude in Articles of Marriage ? 
Nor does the Genial Bed provide 
Less for the Interests of the Bride ; 
Who else had not the least Pretence 
T' as much as Due Benevolence ; 
Could no more Title take upon her 
To Vertue, Quality, and Honour, 
Then Ladies Errant, unconfin'd. 
And Feme-Coverts to all Mankind. 
All Women would be of one piece, 
1 he'^ertuoiis~Matron^anS~the~ Miss ; 
The Npfiphr'of'7MsrTymi3.'s''"Trdtn, 
TSridmT'wilkl^oseyn'Tlewkner'l-^afu ; 
BuP^f^f^fyi^renceAiarriage makes 
'TwixtWtves, and Ladies of the Lakes. 
BesideT,' the~ioys~of Place and Birth, 
ThT^exefFaradtse on Earth ; 
A prtviT^ eso sacred held, 
"i hat none wflT to their Mothers yield ; 
Sui rather then 'not £o befqrj, 
AtandoiTTLeaven aT_WiDosr. 
AndTifJE^' indulgent Law allows 
A greater freedom to the Spouse ; 
The reason is, because the Wife 
Runs greater hazards of her Life ; 
Is trusted with the Form and Matter 
Of all Mankind by carefull Nature. 
Where Man brings nothing but the Stuff, 

I 219; 



HUDIBRAS 

She frames the wondrous Fabrkk off: 

Who therefore. In a streight, may fredy 

Semand ihfulefgy'^ her Eel]^ 

And make ii'7dvejher\the_jame way, 

It seldom misses to "betray. 

Unless both partus ^unsely enter 

Into the Liturgy-Indenture. 

And though some fits of small contest 

Sometimes fall out among the Best, 

That is no more then every Lover 

Does from his Hackney-Lady suffer. 

That makes no Breach of Faith and Love, 

But rather {sometime') serves f improve. 

For, as in Running, ev'ry Pace 

Is hut between two Legs a Race, 

In which both doe their uttermost 

To get before, and win the Post ; 

Yet when tF are at their race's ends, 

Th' are still as kind and constant friends. 

And to relieve their weariness. 

By turns give one another ease : 

So all those false Alarms of strife 

Between the Husband and the Wife, 

And^itile__S^mrrelsj_of^ 

Tobe_but_jiewjreg;mt^ 

WToen those wF are always~£tnd or coy. 

In time must either Tire, or Cloy. 

Nor are their loudest Clamours more. 

Then as tV are relished. Sweet, or Sour : 

Like Musick, that proves bad, or good. 

According as 'tis understood. 

In all Amours a Lover burns. 

With Frowns, as well as Smiles, by turns 

And Hearts have been as oft with sullen. 

As charming looks, surpriz'd and stollen. 

Then why should more bewitching Clamour 

Some Lovers not as much enamour F 

For Discords make the sweetest Airs, 

And Curses are a kind of Prayers : 

Too slight Alloys for all those grand 



220 



THIRD PART, CANTO 1 

Felicities by Marriage gain'd. 

For nothing else has pow'r to settle 

Th' interests of Love perpetual. 

An A£t and Deed that makes one Heart 

Become another's Counter-part, 

And passes Fines on Faith and Love, 

InroPd and Registred above. 

To seal the slippery knot of Fows, 

Which nothing else but Death can loose. 

And what Security's too strong, 

'l£^^^mrd^J^ai~genne~TTeart from wrong, 

That to its Friend is glad to pass ~~ 

It self awa/y^_^nd ~airTrhas_\ 

And^ like an Anchorite, gives over 

This World, for tU FJeaven of a Lover ? 

I grant (quoth she) there are some few 

Who take that course, and find it true : 

But Millions, whom the same does sentence 

To Heaven V another way. Repentance. 

Love's Arrows are but shot at Rovers, 

Though all they hit they turn to Lovers. 

And all the weighty consequents 

Depend upon more blind events 

Then Gamesters, when they play a Set 

With greatest cunning at Piquet, 

Put out with caution, but take in 

They know not what, unsight-unseen. 

For what doe f,overSjWhen tV are Jast 

lri~one fano tlHr' s JirmsemSroTT, 

Buistrive to plunder and convey 

F^F^ other, like a Prize, away ? 

To change the property of selves. 

As sucking Children are by Elves ? 

And if they use their Persons so. 

What will they to their Fortunes doe ? 

Th eir Fortunes! t he perpetual aims 

Of all their £cstasiesand~Ftames. 

For when the Money' s~on the~Book, 

And, All my Worldly Goods but spoke; 

221 



HUDIBRAS 

{The Formal Livery and Seisin 

That puts a Lover in possession") 

Tojthat alone the BridegroonC s wedded, 

TJi&_Bride a Flam that's superseded. 

To thal_J^iixI^a.it}CJs_jiUJ^a^e_good, 

Ind aU the Oaths to us they vovfd. 

For w hen w^e'^ce~resigh "our Fow'rs, 

W' h ave' notFing left vjT7an~7air~ours. 

Our~Money^s now becomfTBe^MisT, 

Of''att~^our'jptves a nd~ ~ Service s ; 

yind we forsaken, and Post-pon^d, 

But Bawds to what before we own'd. 

Which as it made y' ot firs t Gallan t us, 

So~now hires others to supplant us, 

tJntir'its~a'tl~lWr~>td''outvf~do'ors, 

{As we had been) for new Amours. 

For what did ever Heiress yet 

By being born to Lordships get? 

When the more Ladie sh' is of Mannors, 

She's but exposed to more Trepanners, 

Pays for their ProjeSis and Designs, 

And for her own destruction Fines, 

And does but tempt them with her Riches, 

To use her as the Dev'l does Witches ; 

Who takes it for a special Grace, 

To be their Cully for a space. 

That, when the time's expired, the Drazels 

For ever may become his Vassals. 

So she, bewitched by Rooks and Spirits, 

Betrays her self, and all sF inherits 

Is bought and sold, like stollen goods. 

By Pimps, and Match-makers, and Bawds 

Until they force her to convey, 

And steal the Thief himself away. 

These are the everlasting Fruits 

OfalI~ymr~p'3's'stonaIe~X^e^suits, 

Th^'lffeSis of atrjmr amorous jancies 

1o FortionT and Tnljerttancesj 

Toiir Love-sick Raptures for Fruition 

Of Dowry, "Jointure, and Tuition ; 

222 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

To which you make Address and Courtship, 

And with your Bodies strive to Worship, 

That th' Infant's Fortunes may partake 

Of Love too, for the Mother's sake. 

For these, you play at Purposes, 

And love your Loves with A's and B's: 

For these, at Beast and Uhombre wooe. 

And play for Love and Money too ; 

Strive who shall be the ablest Man 

At right Gallanting of a Fan, 

And who the most Gentilely bred 

At sucking of a Fizard Bead, 

How best f accost us in all garters 

T' our question-and-command New Garters, 

And solidly discourse upon 

All sorts of Dresses Pro and Con. 

For there's no Mystery nor Trade, 

But in the Art of Love is made. 

And when you have more Debts to pay 

Then Michaelmas and Lady-day, 

And no way possible to do 't. 

But Love and Oaths and restless Suit, 

To us y' apply, to pay the Scores 

Of all your cully' d past Amours ; 

ASl o're your Flames and Darts again. 

And charge us with your wounds and pain. 

Which others influences long since 

Have charm' d your Noses with, and Shins ; 

For which the Surgeon is unpaid. 

And like to be, without our aid. 

Lord ! what an Amorous thing is Want ! 

How Debts and Mortgageflnchant ! 

What Graces must that' Lady 'have. 

That can from Executions save ! f 

What~CEarms, that can reverse Extent, 

And~rMtr^ecree~dnd' Exigent ! 

What Magicfir~AItra£ls'arSr Graces, 

That can redeem from Scire facias ; 

From Bonds and Statutes can discharge. 

And from Contempts of Courts inlarge I 



223 



HUDIBRAS 

These are the highest Excellencies 

Of all our true or false Pretences. 

And you would damn your selves, and swear 

As much /' an Hostess Dowager, 

Grown fat and pursy by Retail 

Of Pots of Beer, and Bottled Ale ; 

And find her fitter for your turn. 

For Fat is wondrous apt to burn ; 

Who at your Flames would soon take Fire, 

Relent, and melt to your desire. 

And, like a Candle in the Socket, 

Dissolve her Graces inf your Pocket. 

By this time 'twas grown dark and late, 
When th' heard a knocking at the Gate, 
Laid on in haste with such a powder, 
The blows grew louder still and louder. 
Which Hudibras, as if th' had been 
Bestow'd as freely on his Skin, 
Expounding by his Inward Light, 
Or rather more Prophetick fright. 
To be the Wizard, come to search, 
And take him napping in the lurch, 
Turn'd pale as Ashes, or a Clout ; 
But why, or wherefore, is a doubt : 
For Men will tremble, and turn paler, 
With too much, or too little Valour. 
His Heart laid on, as if it try'd 
To force a passage through his Side, 
Impatient (as he vow'd) to wait 'em. 
But in a Fury to fly at 'em ; 
And therefore beat, and laid about, 
To find a cranny to creep out. 
But she, who saw in what a taking 
The Knight was by his furious Quaking, 
Undaunted, cry'd. Courage, Sir Knight, ^ 
Know I'm resolved to break no Rite 
Of Hospitality f a Stranger, 
But to secure you out of danger. 
Will here my self stand Sentinel, 



224 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

To guard this Pass ''gainst Sidrophel. 
Women, you know, do seldom fail. 
To make the stoutest Men turn tail: 
And bravely scorn to turn their Backs 
Upon the desperai'st Attacks. 

At this the Knight grew resolute 
As Iron-side or Hardy-knute ; 
His fortitude began to rally, 
And out he cri'd aloud, to sally. 
But she besought him, to convey 
His Courage rather out o'th' way, 
And lodge in Ambush on the Floor, 
Or fortifi'd behind a Door, 
That if the Enemy should enter, 
He might relieve her in th' Adventure. 

Mean while, they knock'd against the Door, 

As fierce as at the Gate before; 

Which made the Renegado Knight 

Relapse again t' his former fright. 

He thought it desperate to stay 

Till th' Enemy had forc'd his way, 

But rather post himself, to serve 

The Lady, for a fresh Reserve. 

His Duty was not to dispute. 

But what sh' had order'd execute : 

Which he resolv'd in haste t' obey, 

And therefore stoutly march'd away; 

And all h' encountred fell upon, 

Though in the dark, and all alone. 

Till Fear, that braver Feats performs 

Then ever Courage dar'd in Arms, 

Had drawn him up before a Pass, 

To stand upon his Guard, and face. 

This he courageously invaded. 

And having enter'd, Barricado'd : 

Insconc'd himself as formidable 

As could be underneath a Table ; 

Where he lay down in Ambush close. 



225 



HUDIBRAS 

T' expedt the arrival of his Foes. 

Few minutes had he lain perdue, 

To guard his desp'rate Avenue, 

Before he heard a dreadfull shout, 

As loud as putting to the Rout ; 

With which impatiently alarm'd, 

He fansi'd th' Enemy had storm'd. 

And after entring Sidrophel 

Was fall'n upon the Guards pell-mell. 

He therefore sent out all his Senses, 

To bring him in Intelligences. 

Which Vulgars out of ignorance 

Mistake, for falling in a Trance : 

But those that trade in Geomancy, 

Affirm to be the strength of Fancy : 

In which the Lapland-Magi deal. 

And things incredible reveal. 

Mean while the Foe beat up his Quarters, 

And storm'd the Out-works of his Fortress. 

And as another of the same 

Degree, and Party, in Arms and Fame, 

That in the same Cause had ingag'd. 

And War with equal condu6t wag'd. 

By vent'ring onely but to thrust 

His Head a Span beyond his Post, 

B' a GerCral of the Cavaliers 

Was dragg'd through a Window by th' Ears : 

So he was serv'd in his Redoubt, 

And by the other end pull'd out. 

Soon as they had him at their mercy. 
They put him to the Cudgel fiercely, 
As if they scorn'd to trade and barter. 
By giving or by taking Quarter : 
They stoutly on his Quarters laid. 
Until his Scouts came in t' his aid. 
For when a Man is past his Sense, 
There's no way to reduce him thence. 
But twindging him by th' Ears or Nose, 
Or laying on of heavy Blows, 



226 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

And if that will not doe the Deed, 
To burning with Hot Irons proceed. 

No sooner was he come t' himself, 

But on his Neck a sturdy Elf 

Clapp'd in a trice his cloven Hoof, 

And thus attack'd him with Reproof. 

Mortal, thou art betray'd to us 

E' our Friend, thy evil Genius, 

Who for thy horrid Perjuries, 

Thy Breach of Faith, and turning Lies, 

The Brethrens Privilege, {against 

The Wicked) on themselves, the Saints, 

Has here thy wretched Carcass sent 

For just Revenge and punishment ; 

Which thou hast now no way to lessen. 

But by an open, free Confession. 

For if we catch thee failing once, 

^ Twill fall the heavier on thy Bones. 

What made thee venture to betray. 

And filch the Ladie^s Heart away? 

To Spirit her to Matrimony — .'' 

That which contrails all Matches, Money. 

It was tV inchantment of her Riches, 

That made rrC apply f your Croney Witches: 

That in return would pay tU expence. 

The Wear-and-tear of Conscience ; 

Which I could have patched up, and turned. 

For tV hundredth part of what I earrCd. 

Didst thou not love her then? speak true. 

No more (quoth he) then I love you. 

How wouldst tV have us'd her, and her Monev? 

First, turned her up to Alimony ; 

And laid her Dowry out in Z,aw, 

To null her fointure with a Flaw, 

Which I before-hand had agreed 

T' have put, of purpose, in the Deed ; 

And bar her Widow' s-mamng-over 

T' a Friend in Trust, or private Lover. 

What made thee pick and chuse her out, 

P2 227 



HUDIBRAS 

7"' imploy their Sorceries about? 
That which makes Gamesters play with those 
Who have least Wit, and most to lose. 
But didst thou scourge thy Vessel thus. 
As thou hast damrCd thy self to us ? 
I see you take me for an Ass : 
I'Tis true, I thought the Trick would pass 
Upon a Woman well enough. 
As 't has been often found by Proof; 
Whose Humours are not to be won 
But when they are imposed upon. 
For Love approves of all they doe 
That stand for Candidates, and wooe. 
Why didst thou forge those shamefull Lies, 
Of Bears and Witches in Disguise ? 
That is no more then Authours give 
The Rabble credit to Believe ; 
\A Trick of Following their Leaders, 
VTo entertain their Gentle Readers. 
\And we have now no other way 
' Of passing all we doe or say; 
Which when ''tis natural and true, 
I Will be believed F a very few. 
Beside the danger of offence, 
i The fatal enemy of Sense. 
Why didst thou chuse that cursed Sin, 
Hypocrisie, to set up in ? 
Because it is the thriving' st Calling, 
The onely Saints-Bell that rings all in. 
In which all Churches^ are concerted. 
And is the easiest to befearVd. 
For no degrees, unless tV imploy V, 
Can ever gain much, or enjoy 't. 
A Gift that is not onely able 
To domineer among tFe''Rabble, 
But by^ the Law''s impowr'd to rout 
And jaw the greatest that stand out. 
Which Tew hold forth against^or fear 
Their hands should slip, and come too near. 
For no Sin else^amtmg the Saints 

228 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

lstm^t_jo_tenderly against. 
Woat made'thee break tti^ flighted Fowi? 
That which makes others break a House, 
And hang, and scorn ye all, before 
Endure the Plague of being poor. 
Quoth he, / see you have more Tric ks 
Then all our^^^ing Politick, 
Thar'arfgrovm^ld, and out of Fashion, 
Compared with your jiew Reformation : 
That we must come jto School toyou, 
To^ learn ymr rmrejre^d^jand New. 
Quoth he. If you will give meJeave 
To tell you what I now perceive, 
Tou'ld find your self an arrant Chouse, 
If y^ were hut at a Meeting-House. 
'Tis true, quoth he, we ne^r come there, 
because w' have let them out by tF year. 
Truly, quoth he, you can't imagine 
What wondrous things they will engage in : 
That as your Fellow-Fiends in Hell 
Were Angels all before they fell; 
So you are like to he agen 
Compared with th' Angels of us Men. 
Quoth he, / am resolved to be 
Thy Scholar in this Mystery; 
And therefore first desire to know 
Some Principles on which you go. 
What makes a Knave a Child of God, 

And one of us ? A Livelihood. 

What renders Beating out of Brains 
And Murther Godliness? — Great Gains. 

What's tender Conscience? 'Tis a Botch 

That will not bear the gentlest touch. 
But breaking out, dispatches more 
Then th' Epidemical' st Plague-sore. 
What makes y' encroach upon our Trade, 

And damn all others ? To be paid. 

Whafs Orthodox and true Believing 

Against a Conscience ? A good Living. 

What makes Rebelling against Kings 



229 



HUDIBRAS 

A Good Old Cause ? Administrings. 

What makes all DoSfrines plain and clear f 

About Two hundred pounds a year. 

And that which was prov'd true before. 

Prove false again ? Two hundred more. 

What makes the Breaking of all Oaths 

A holy Duty ? Food and Cloaths. 

What Laws and Freedom, Persecution? 

B'ing out of Pow'r, and Contribution. 

What makes a Church a Den of Thieves? 

A Dean and Chapter, and White Sleeves. 

And what would serve, if those were gone. 

To make it Orthodox ? Our own. 

What makes Morality a Crime, 

The most notorious of the Time F 

Morality, which both the Saints 

And Wicked too cry out against? 

'Cause Grace and Vertue are within 

Prohibited Degrees of Kin : 

And therefore no true Saint allows 

They should be suffer'd to espouse. 

For Saints can need no Conscience 

That with Morality dispense; 

As Vertue" s impious, when 'tis rooted 

In Nature oneP, and not imputed. 

But why the Wicked should doe so. 

We neither know, nor care to do. 

What's Liberty of Conscience, 

V th' Natural and Genuine Sense? 

'Tis to restore with more security 

Rebellion to its ancient Purity; 

And Christian Liberty reduce 

To th' elder Pra£tice of the Jews. 

For a Large Conscience is all one. 

And signifies the same with None. 

It is enough (quoth he) for once. 
And has repriev'd thy forfeit Bones : 
Nick Machiavel had ne'r a Trick, 
{Though he gave 's Name to our Old Nick) 



230 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

But was below the least of these, 
That pass i" th^ World for Holiness. 

This said, the Furies and the Light 
In th' instant vanish'd out of sight ; 
And left him in the dark alone, 
With stinks of Brimstone, and his own. 

The Queen of Night, whose large Command 

Rules all the Sea and half the Land, 

And over moist and crazy Brains 

In high Spring-tides at Midnight reigns. 

Was now declining to the West, 

To go to Bed and take her rest. 

When Hudibras, whose stubborn Blows 

Deni'd his Bones that soft repose. 

Lay still expecting worse and more, 

Stretch'd out at length upon the Floor : 

And though he shut his Eyes as fast 

As if h' had been to sleep his last, 

Saw all the Shapes that Fear or Wizards 

Do make the Devil wear for Vizards. 

And pricking up his Ears, to hark 

If he could hear too in the dark. 

Was first invaded with a Groan, 

And after, in a feeble Tone, 

These trembling words. Unhappy Wretch! 

What hast thou gotten by this Fetch? 

Or all thy Tricks in this New Trade, 

The Holy Brotherhood o" th" Blade? 

By Santring still on some Adventure, 

And growing to thy Horse a Centaur, 

To stuff thy Skin with swelling Knobs 

Of cruel and hard-wooded Drubs ? 

For still th' hast had the worst orCt yet, 

As well in Conquest as defeat. 

Night is the Sabbath of Mankind, 

To rest the Body and the Mind: 

Which now thou art deni'd to keep. 

And cure thy laboured Corps with Sleep. 



231 



HUDIBRAS 

The Knight, who heard the words, explain'd 

As meant to him this Reprimand, 

Because the Charafter did hit 

Point-blank upon his Case so fit ; 

Believ'd it was some drolling Sprite 

That staid upon the Guards that Night, 

And one of those h' had seen, and felt 

The Drubs he had so freely dealt. 

When, after a short Pause and Grone, 

The dolefuU Spirit thus went on. 

This 'tis t' ingage with Dogs and Bears 

Peltnell together by the Ears ; 

And after painfull Bangs and Knocks, 

To lie in Limbo in the Stocks ; 

And from the Pinacle of Glory, 

Fall headlong into Purgatory: 

(Thought he, This Devil's full of Malice, 

That on my late Disasters Rallies.) 

Condemned to Whipping, but declined it. 

By being more Heroick-minded ; 

And at a Riding handled worse. 

With Treats more slovenly and course ; 

Ingag'd with Fiends in stubborn Wars, 

And hot Disputes with Conjurers ; 

And when tV hadst bravely won the day. 

Wast fain to steal thyself away. 

(I see, thought he, this shameless Elf 

Would fain steal me too from my self. 

That impudently dares to own 

What I have suffer'd for and done :) 

And now hut ventring to betray. 

Hast met with Vengeance the same way. 

Thought he. How does the Devil know 

What 'twas that I design'd to doe ? 

His Office of Intelligence, 

His Oracles are ceas'd long since : 

And he knows nothing of the Saints, 

But what some treacherous Spy acquaints. 

This is some Pettifogging Fiend, 

Some Under-Door-keeper's Friend's Friend, 



232 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

That undertakes to understand, 

And juggles at the Second handj 

And now would pass for Spirit Po, 

And all mens dark Concerns fore-know. 

I think I need not^ fear him for't : 

These Rallying T5eyils doe nq_hurt._ 

With that he rouz'd his "drooping Heart, 

And hastily cri'd out, ff^hat art F 

A Wretch (quoth he) whom want of Grace 

Has brought to this unhappy Place. 

I do believe thee, quoth the Knight, 

Thus far I'm sure th' art in the Right ; 

And know what 'tis that troubles thee, 

Better then thou hast guest of me. 

Thou art some paltry Black-guard Sprite, 

Condemn'd to Drudg'ry in the Night, 

That hast no work to doe in th' House, 

Nor Half-penny to drop in Shoes : 

Without the raising of which Sum, 

You dare not be so troublesome. 

To pinch the Slatterns black and blue. 

For leaving you their Work to doe. 

This is your business, good Pug Robin, 

And your Diversion dull Dry Bobbing ; 

T' intice Fanaticks in the Dirt, 

And wash 'em clean in Ditches for 't. 

Of which conceit you are so proud. 

At ev'ry Jest you laugh aloud. 

As now you would have done by me, 

But that I barr'd your Rallery. 

Sir, (quoth the Voice) y' are no such Sophy 

As you would have the World judge of ye. 

If you design to weigh our Talents 

I' th' Standard of your own false Balance, 

Or think it possible to know 

Us Ghosts as well as we do you : 

We, who have been the everlasting 

Companions of your Drubs and Basting, 

And never left you in Contest 



233 



HUDIBRAS 

TVith Male or Female, Man or Beast, 
Butprov\i^ as true t' ye and intire 
tnalTadventures as your' Squire. 

Quoth he, That may be said as true 

By tP idlest Pug of all your Crew : 

For none could have betray'd us worse 

Then those Allies of ours and yours. 

But I have sent him for a Token 

To your Low-Countrey Hogen Mogen, 

To whose Infernal Shores I hope 

He'l swing like Skippers in a Rope. 

And if y' have been more just to me 

{As I am apt to think) then he, 

I am afraid it is as true. 

What tV Ill-affe£ted say of you, 

T' have 'spous'd the Covenant and Cause, 

By holding up your Cloven Paws. 

Sir, quoth the Voice, V« true, I grant. 

We made and took the Covenant. 

But that no more concerns the Cause, 

Then other Perfries doe the Laws, 

Which when they're prov'd in open Court, 

Wear wooden Peccadillo's for't. 

And that's the Reason Cov" nanters 

'Held up their Hands, like Rogues at Bars. 

I see, quoth Hudibras, from whence 

'These Scandals of the Saints commence, 

That are but natural EffeSis 

Of Satan'i Malice, and his SeSls, 

Those Spider-Saints, that hang by Threds 

Spun out of th' Entrals of their Heads. 

Sir, quoth the Voice, that may as true 

And properly be said of you; 

Whose Talents may compare with either. 

Or both the other put together. 

For all the Independents doe 

Is onely what you forc'd them to. 

You, who are not content alone, 

WtihTricks to put_ i^e Devil down, 

234 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

But must have Armies rais'd, to back 
TEeGos^Uworkjjou undertake ': 
AstjAritnery, and 'Elge-tooir 
Were tV onely Engines to save Souls. 
IVhile He, poor Devil, has no pow'r 
By force to run down and devour ; 
Has ne^r a Classis, cannot sentence 
To Stools or Poundage of Repentance ; 
Is ti'd up onely to Design, 
y Intice, and Tempt, and Undermine: 
In which you all his Arts out-doe. 
And prove your selves his Betters too. 
Hence 'tis Possessions doe less evil 
Then mere Temptations of the Devil, 
Which all the horrid'st ASiions done. 
Are charg'd in Courts of Law upon ; 
Because unless you help the Elf, 
He can doe little of himself : 
And therefore where he's best Possest, 
ASts most against his Interest ; 
Surprises none but those wh' have Priests' 
To turn him out, and Exorcists, 
Supply' d with Spiritual Provision, 
Arid Magazines of Ammunition, 
With Crosses, Relicks, Crucifixes, 
Beads, PiStures, Rosaries, and Pixes, 
The Tools of working out Salvation 
By meer Mechanick Operation, 
With HoTy Waief^~ltke'~a~Sluce, 
To overflow all Avenues. 
But those wh' are utterly unarm'd 
T' oppose his Entrance if he storm' d. 
He never offers to surprize. 
Although his falsest Enemies ; 
But is content to be their Drudge, 
And on their Errands glad to trudge. 
For where are all your Forfeitures 
Intrusted in safe hands, but ours ? 
Who are but failours of the Holes 
And Dungeons where you clap up Souls ; 



23s 



236 



HUDIBRAS 

Like Under-keepers, turn the Keys 
y your Mittimus Anathemaes ; 
And never boggle to restore 
The Members you deliver o're 
Upon Demand, with fairer Justice 
Then all your Covenanting Trustees : 
Unless to punish them the worse, 
Tou put them in the Secular Pow'rs, 
And pass their Souls as some demise 
The same Estate in Mortgage twice. 
When to a Legal Utlegation 
Tou turn your Excommunication, 
And for a Groat unpaid that's due, 
Distrain on Soul and Body too. 

Thought he, 'Tis no mean part of civil 

State-Prudence, to cajoul the Devil, 

And not to handle him too rough, 

When h' has us in his cloven Hoof. 

'Tis true, quoth he, that intercourse 

Has past between your Friends and ours ; 

That as you trust us in our way. 

To raise your Members, and to lay, 

JVe send you others of our own. 

Denounced to Hang themselves or Drown, 

Or, frighted with our Oratory, 

To leap down headlong many a story; 

Have us'd all means to propagate 

Tour mighty interests of State, 

Laid out our Spiritual Gifts to further 

Tour great designs of Rage and Murther. 

For if the Saints are nam'd from Blood, 

We oner have made that Title good: 

And if it were but in our power. 

We should not scruple to doe more. 

And not he half a Soul behind 

Of all Dissenters of Mankind. 

Right, quoth the Voice, and as I scorn 

To be ungratefull in return 

Of all those kind good Offices, 



THIRD PART, CANTO I 

/'// free you out of this Distress, 

And set you down in safety, where. 

It is no time to tell you here. 

The Cock crows and the Morn draws on, 

When 'tis decreed I must be gone : 

And if I leave you here till Day, 

YovCl find it hard to get away. 

With that the Spirit grop'd about 

To find th' Inchanted Hero out, 

And try'd with haste to lift him up ; 

But found his Forlorn Hope, his Croop, 

Unserviceable with Kicks and Blows 

Receiv'd from hardned-hearted Foes. 

He thought to drag him by the Heels, 

Like Gresham Carts, with Legs for Wheels. 

But Fear, that soonest cures those Sores, 

In danger of Relapse to worse. 

Came in t' assist him with its Aid, 

And up his sinking Vessel weigh'd. 

No sooner was he fit to trudge. 

But both made ready to dislodge. 

The Spirit hors'd him like a Sack, 

Upon the Vehicle, his Back, 

And bore him headlong into th' Hall, 

With some few Rubs against the Wall. 

Where finding out the Postern lock'd. 

And th' Avenues as strongly block'd, 

H' attack'd the Window, storm'd the Glass, 

And in a moment gain'd the Pass, 

Through which he dragg'd the worsted Souldiers 

Fore-quarters out by th' Head and Shoulders ; 

And cautiously began to scout, 

To find their Fellow-Cattel out. 

Nor was it half a Minute's Quest, 

E're he retriev'd the Champion's Beast, 

Ty'd to a Pale in stead of Rack, 

But ne'r a Saddle on his Back, 

Nor Pistols at the Saddle-bow, 

Convey'd away the Lord knows how. 

He thought it was no time to stay, 

237 



HUDIBRAS 

And let the Night too steal away. 
But in a trice advanc'd the Knight 
Upon the Bare Ridge bolt upright. 
And groping out for Ralpho's Jade, 
He found the Saddle too was straid, 
And in the place a Lump of Sope, 
On which he speedily leap'd up; 
And turning to the Gate the Rein, 
He Kick'd and Cudgell'd on amain. 
While Hudibras, with equal haste, 
On both sides laid about as fast, 
And spurr'd as Jockies use, to break. 
Or Padders, to secure a Neck. 
Where let us leave them for a time. 
And to their Churches turn our Rhyme ; 
To hold forth their declining State, 
Which now come near an Even Rate. 



238 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

THE ARGUMENT 
OF THE 

SECOND CANTO 

Of the Third Part. 

The Saints engage in fierce Contests 
About their Carnal Interests ; 
To share their Sacrilegious Preys, 
According to their Rates of Grace; 
Their various Frenzies to Reform, 
When Cromwel left them in a Storm: 
Till, in th' Effigie £/" RUMPS, the Rabble 
Burns all their Grandees of the Cabal. 

CANTO II. 



THE Learned write, An InseSi Breeze 
Is but a Mungrel Prince of Bees, 
That falls, before a Storm, on Cows, 
And stings the Founders of his House ; 
From whose corrupted Flesh that Breed 
Of Vermine did at first proceed. 
So, e'r the Storm of War broke out, 
Religion spawn'd a various Rout, 
Of Petulant Capricious Sedls, 
The Maggots of Corrupted Texts, 
That first run all Religion down, 
And after every Swarni its^own. 
For as the Persian Magi once 
Upon their Mothers got their Sens, 

239 



HUDIBRAS 

Who were incapable t' injoy 
That Empire any other way : 
So Presbyter begot the other 
Upon the Good Old Cause, his Mother, 
That bore them like the Devil's Dam, 
Whose Son and Husband are the same. 
And yet no nat'ral Tie of Blood, 
Nor Intr'est for their common good. 
Could, when their Profits interfear'd, 
I Get Quarter for each other's Beard. 
For when they thriv'd, they never fedg'd. 
But onely by the ears engag'd : 
Like Dogs that snarl about a Bone, 
And play together when th' have none. 
As by their truest Charafters, 
Their constant AcSions, plainly appears. 

Rebellion now began for lack 
Of Zeal and Plunder to grow slack ; 
The Cause and Covenant to lessen. 
And Providence to b' out of Season : 
For now there was no more to purchase 
O' th' King's Revenue and the Churche's, 
But all divided, shar'd, and gone, 
That us'd to urge the Brethren on. 
Which forc'd the Stubborn'st for the Cause 
To cross the Cudgels to the Laws ; 
That what by breaking them t' had gain'd, 
By their Support might be maintain'd : 
Like Thieves, that in a Hemp-plot lie, 
Secur'd against the Hue-and-cry. 
'For Presbyter and Independent 
Were now turn'd Plaintiff and Defendant, 
>Laid out their ApdstoTick Fundlions 
.;On Carnal Orders and Injunffions, 
;And all their Precious Gifts and Graces 
\On Out-lawries and Scire facias ; 
At Michaelh Term had many a Trial, 
Worse then the Dragon and St. Michael, 
Where thousands fell, in shape of Fees, 

240 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

Into the Bottomless Abyss. 
For when, like Brethren and Friends, 
They came to share their Dividends, 
And ev'ry Partner to possess 
His Church and State Joint-Purchaces, 
In which the Ablest Saint and Best 
Was nam'd in Trust by all the rest, 
To pay their Money, and, in stead 
Of ev'ry Brother, pass the Deed ; 
He straight converted all his Gifts 
To pious Frauds and holy Shifts, 
And settled all the others Shares 
Upon his outward Man and 's Heirs ; 
Held all they claim'd as Forfeit Lands, 
Deliver'd up into his hands. 
And past upon his Conscience, 
By Pre-intail of Providence ; 
Impeach'd the Rest for Reprobates, 
That had no Titles to Estates, 
But by their Spiritual Attaints 
Degraded from the Right of Saints. 
This being reveal'd, they now begun 
With Law and Conscience to fall on ; 
And laid about as hot and Brainsick 
As th' Utter Barrister of Swanswick ; 
Ingag'd with Money-bags, as bold 
As men with Sand-bags did of old ; 
That brought the Lawyers in more Fees, 
Then all unsanctifi'd Trustees : 
Till he who had no more to show 
I' th' Case, receiv'd the overthrow ; 
Or both sides having had the worst, 
They parted as they met at first. 

Poor Presbyter was now Reduc'd, 
Secluded, and Cashier'd, and Chews'd, 
Turn'd out and Excommunicate 
From all Affairs of Church and State, 
Reform'd t' a Reformado Saint, 
And glad to turn Itinerant, 

Q. 241 



HUDIBRAS 

To strowl and teach from Town to Town, 
And those he had taught up Teach down, 
And make those Uses serve agen 
^gainst the New-inlightned men, 
(As fit as when at first they were 
vReveal'd against the Cavalier ; 
Damn Anabaptist and Fanatick, 
As pat as Popish and Prelatick ; 
And with as little variation, 
To serve for any Sedl i' th' Nation. 
The Good Old Cause, which some believe 
To be the DevU that tempted Eve 
With Knowledge, and does still invite 
The World to Mischief with New Light, 
Had store of Money in her Purse, 
When he took her for betfr or worse ; 
But now was grown Deform'd and Poor, 
And fit to be turn'd out of Door. 

The Independents (whose first station 

Was In "the Kere of Reformation, 

A Mungrel kind of Church-Dragoons, 

That serv'd for Horse and Foot at once. 

And in the Saddle of one Steed 

The Saracen and Christian rid. 

Were Free of ev'ry Spiritual Order, 

To Preach, and Fight, and Pray, and Murther) 

No sooner got the Start to lurch 

Botji Disciplines, of War and Church, 

And Providence enough to run 

The chief Commanders of 'em down, 

But carried on the War against 

The Common Enemy o' th' Saints ; 

And in a while prevail'd so far. 

To win of them the Game of War, 

And be at Liberty once more, 

T' Attack themselves as th' had before. 

For now there was no Foe in Arms, 
T' unite their FacStions with Alarms, 

242 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

But all reduc'd and overcome, 

Except their worst, themselves at home, 

Wh' had compast all they Praid, and Swore, 

And Fought, and Preach'd, and Plunder'd for, 

Subdu'd the Nation, Church and State, 

And all things but their Laws and Hate. 

But when they came to treat and transaft. 

And share the spoils of all th' had ransackt, 

To Botch up what th' had torn and rent, 

Religion and the Government, 

They met no sooner, but pregaT'd 

To pull down ^iri;Tie~WaF'had spar'd ; 

Agreed in nothing, but t^' Abolish, 

Subvert, Extir pate, and Demolish. 

For Knaves and Fools b'ing near of Kin, 

As Dutch-Boors are t' a Sooterkin, 

Both Parties join'd to doe their best. 

To Damn the Publick Interest ; 

And Hearded onely in Consults 

To put by one anothers Bolts, 

T' out-cant the Babylonian Labourers, 

At all their Dialedts of Jabberers, 

And tug at both ends of the Saw, 

To tear down Government and Law. 

For as two Cheats, that play one Game, 

Are both defeated of their Aim : 

So those who play a Game of State, 

AnT^iiely Cavil in Debate, """ 

AltiiougR fhere's nothing lost nor^won. 

The PublTck Business is undone,' 

WhidTifni' theTongeFTis^TiT^oihg, 

Becomes the surer-j^JY to Ruine. 

This wh en the (^gyg^I?^ perceiv'd, 

(Who to their Faith as firmly cleav'd. 

And own'd the Right they had paid down 

So dearly for. The Church and Crown,) 

Th' united constanter, and Sided 

The more, the more their Foes divided. 

For though out-number'd, overthrown. 

And by the Fate of War run down ; 

0.2 243 



HUDIBRAS 

Their Duty never was defeated. 
Nor from their Oaths and Faith retreated. 
For Loyalty is still the same, 
] Whet her it win or lose the Game ; 
' True as a Dial to the Sun, 
Although it he not shin^d upon. 
But when these Brethren in evil, 
Their Adversaries and the Devil, 
Began once more to shew them Play, 
And hopes, at least, to have a day, 
They Rallied in Parades of Woods, 
And unfrequented Solitudes, 
Conven'd at Midnight in Out-houses, 
'T' appoint New-rising Rendezvouses, 
And with a Pertinacy unmatch'd 
For new Recruits of Danger watch'd : 
No sooner was one Blow diverted. 
But up another Party started. 
And, as if Nature too in haste. 
To furnish out Supplies as fast. 
Before her time had turn'd Destruftion 
T' a new and numerous Produftion ; 
No sooner those were overcome. 
But up rose others in their Room, 
That, like the Christian Faith, increast 
The more, the more they were Supprest : 
Whom neither Chains, nor Transportation, 
Proscription, Sale, nor Confiscation, 
Nor all the desperate events 
Of former try'd Experiments, 
Nor Wounds could terrifie, nor Mangling," 
To leave ofF Loyalty and Dangling, " 

Nor Death (with all his Bones) affright 
From vent'ring to maintain the Right, 
From staking Life and Fortune down 
'Gainst all together, for the Crown ; 
But kept the Title of their Cause 
From Forfeiture, like Claims in Laws ; 
And prov'd no Prosp'rous Usurpation 
Can ever settle on the Nation, 



244 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

Until, in spight of Force and Treason, 
They put their Loy'lty in Possession ; 
And by their Constancy and Faith, 
Destroy'd the Mighty men of Gath. 

Toss'd in a furious Hurricane, 
Did Oliver give up his Reign ; 
And was believ'd, as well by Saints, 
As Moral men and Miscreants, 
To Founder in the Stygian Ferry, 
Until he was retriev'd by Sterry: 
Who, in a false erroneous Dream, 
Mistook the New yerusalem, 
Prophanely, for th' Apocryphal, 
False Heaven at the End o" th" Hall; 
Whither it was decreed by Fate, 
His Precious Reliques to Translate. 
So Romulus was seen before 
B' as Orthodox a Senator ; 
From whose Divine Illumination 
He stole the Pagan Revelation. 

Next him his Son and Heir Apparent 
Succeeded, though a Lame Vicegerent : 
Who first laid by the Parliament, 
The onely Crutch on which he leant ; 
And then Sunk underneath the State, 
That rode him above Horseman's Weight. 

And now the Saints began their Reign, 

For which th' had yearn'd so long in vain. 

And felt such Bowel-Hankerings, 

To see an Empire all of Kings, 

Deliver'd from th' Mgyptian Awe 

Of Justice, Government, and Law, 

And free t' erecS what Spiritual Cantons 

Should be reveal'd, or Gospel Hans-Towns, 

To Edifie upon the Ruines 

Of John of Leyden's old Out-goings, 

Who for a Weather-cock hung up 

245 



HUDIBRAS 

Upon their Mother-Churche' s Top, 

Was made a Type by Providence 

Of all their Revelations since ; 

And now fulfiU'd by his Successors, 

Who equally mistook their Measures : 

For when they came to shape the Model, 

Not one could fit another's Noddle ; 

But found their Light and Gifts more wide 

From Fadging then th' Unsanctifi'd ; 

While ev'ry individual Brother 

Strove hand to fist against another. 

And still the Maddest and most Crackt 

Were found the busiest to Transact. 

For though most Hands dispatch apace, 

And make light work, (the Proverb says) 

Yet many different Intellefts 

Are found t' have contrary Effects ; 

And many Heads t' obstruft Intrigues, 

As slowest Insefts have most Legs. 

Some were for setting up a King, 

But all the rest for no such thing. 

Unless King "Jesus : Others tamper'd 

For Fleetwood, Desborough, and Lambert ; 

Some for the Rump, and some, more crafty. 

For Agitatours and the Safety ; 

Some for the Gospel, and Massacres 

Of Spiritual Affidavit-makers, 

That swore to any Humane Regence 

Oaths of Supremacy and Allegeance, 

Yea though the Ablest swearing Saint, 

That vouch'd the Bulls o' th' Covenant : 

Others for pulling down th' High places 

Of Synods and Provincial Classes, 

That us'd to make such hostile Inroads 

Upon the Saints, like Bloudy Nimrods : 

Some for Fulfilling Prophecies, 

And th' Extirpation of Excise ; 

And some against th' /Egyptian Bondage 

Of Holy-days, and paying Poundage : 

246 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

Some for the cutting down of Groves, 
And reftifying Bakers Loaves ; 
And some for finding out Expedients 
Against the Slav'ry of Obedience. 
•Some were for Gospel-Ministers, 
And some for Red-Coat Seculars, 
As men most fit t' hold forth the Word, 
And wield the one and th" other Sword. 
Some were for carrying on the Work 
Against the Pope, and some the Turk : 
Some for engaging to suppress 
The Camisado of Surplices, 
That Gifts and Dispensations hinder'd. 
And turn'd to th' Outward Man the Inward; 
More proper for the cloudy Night 
Of Popery, then Gospel-Light. 
Others were for Abolishing 
That Tool of Matrimony, a Ring, 
With which th' unsanctifi'd Bridegroom 
Is marri'd onely to a Thumb ; 
(As wise as Ringing of a Pig, 
That uses to break up ground and Dig;) 
The Bride to nothing but her Will, 
That nulls the After-marriage still. 
Some were for th' utter Extirpation 
Of Linsey-JVoolsey in the Nation ; 
And some against all Idolizing 
The Cross in Shop-Books, or Baptizing. 
Others, to make all things recant 
The Christian or Surname of Saint ; 
And force all Churches, Streets, and Towns, 
The Holy Title to renounce. 
Some 'gainst a Third Estate of Souls, 
And bringing down the Price of Coals. 
Some for Abolishing Black-Pudding, 
And eating nothing with the Bloud in ; 
To abrogate them Roots and Branches : 
While others were for eating Haunches 
Of Warriors, and now and then 
The Flesh of Kings and Mighty men ; 



247 



HUDIBRAS 

And some for Breaking of their Bones 
With Rods of Ir'n by Secret ones; 
For Thrashing IVIountains, and with Spells 
For Hallowing Carriers Packs and Bells. 
Things that the Legend never heard of, 
But made the Wicked sore afeard of. 
The Quacks of Government (who sate 
At th' unregarded Helm of State, 
And understood, this wild Confusion 
Of fatal Madness and Delusion 
Must, sooner then a Prodigie, 
Portend~Destru6lion to benigh) 
ConsidgI*d"''tiffiely7T''ow'T'~witndraw 
■fflid" lave tliefr_\V m£igi^s_jf^n~uieLaw : 
For one Rencounter attKeBar """ 
Was worse then all th' had scap'd in War : 
And therefore met in Consultation, 
To Cant and Quack upon the Nation ; 
Not for the sickly Patient's sake, 
Nor what to give, but what to take ; 
To feel the Pulses of their Fees, 
More wise then fumbling Arteries ; 
Prolong the Snuff of Life in pain. 
And from the Grave recover — Gain. 
'Mong these there was a Politician, 
With more Heads then a Beast in Fision, 
And more Intrigues in ev'ry one 
Then all the Whores of Babylon ; 
So politick, as if one eye 
Upon the other were a Spy; 
That to trapan the one to think 
The other Blind, both strove to blink : 
And in his dark Pragmatick way 
As busie as a Child at Play. 
H' had seen three Governments Run down, 
And had a hand in ev'ry one, 
Was for 'em and against 'em all, 
But Barb'rous when they came to fall : 
. For by Trapanning th' old to Ruine, 
\ He made his Int'rest with the New one ; 

248 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

Plaid true and faithfull, though against 

His Conscience, and was still advanc'd. 

For by the Witch-craft of Rebellion 

Transform'd t' a feeble State-Camelion, 

By giving aim from side to side. 

He never fail'd to save his Tide, 

But got the Start of ev'ry State, 

And at a Change ne'r came too late : 

Could turn his Word, and Oath, and Faith, 

As many ways as in a Lath ; 

By turning, wriggle, like a Screw 

Int' highest Trust, and out for New. 

For when h' had happily incurr'd, 

In stead of Hemp, to be preferr'd. 

And past upon a Government, 

He play'd his trick and out he went : 

But being out, and out of hopes 

To mount his Ladder (more) of Ropes, 

Would strive to raise himself upon 

The Publick Ruine and his own. 

So little did he understand 

The desp'rate Feats he took in hand. 

For when h' had got himself a Name 

For Fraud and Tricks ; he spoil'd his Game, 

Had forc'd his Neck into a Nooze, 

To shew his play at Fast and Loose ; 

And when he chanc'd t' escape, mistook 

For Art and Subtlety, his Luck. 

So right his Judgment was cut fit. 

And made a Tally to his Wit, 

And both together most Profound 

At Deeds of Darkness under ground : 

As th' Earth is easiest undermin'd 

By Vermine Impotent and Blind. 

By all these Arts, and many more 
H' had praftis'd long and much before. 
Our State-Artificer foresaw 
Which way the World began to draw. 
For as Old Sinners have all Points 



249 



HUDIBRAS 

O' th' Compass in their Bones and Joints, 
Can by their Pangs and Aches find 
All Turns and Changes of the Wind, 
And better then by Napier's Bones, 
Feel in their own the Age of Moons : 
So guilty Sinners in a State 
Can by their Crimes prognosticate, 
And in their Consciences feel Pain 
Some days before a Showr of Rain. 
He therefore wisely cast about 
All ways he could, t' insure his Throat ; 
And hither came t' observe and smoke 
What Courses other Riskers took ; 
And to the utmost doe his best 
To save himself, and Hang the rest. 

To match this Saint, there was another, 

As busie and perverse a Brother, 

An Haberdasher of Small wares 

In Politicks and State-AfFairs ; 

More yew then Rabbi Achitophel, 

And better gifted to R.eber : 

For when h' had taught his Tribe to Spouse 

The Cause, aloft, upon one House, 

He scorn'd to set his own in Order, 

But try'd another, and went further ; 

So sullenly addifted still 

To's onely Principle, his Will, 

That whatsoe'r it chanc'd to prove. 

No force of Argument could move. 

Nor Law, nor Cavalcade of Ho'born, 

Could render half a grain less stubborn. 

For he at any time would hang, 

fFor th' opportunity t' harangue, 

^And rather on a Gibbet dangle, 
Then miss his dear delight, to wrangle : 
In which his Parts were so accomplisht, 
That, right or wrong, he ne'r was non-plust ; 
But still his Tongue ran on, the less 
Of weight it bore, with greater ease, 

250 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

And with its Everlasting Clack 

Set all mens Ears upon the Rack. 

No sooner could a hint appear, 

But up he started to Pickere, 

And made the stoutest yield to mercy, 

When he ingag'd in Controversie : 

Not by the force of Carnal Reason, 

But indefatigable Teazing; 

With Volleys of eternal Babble, 

And Clamour more unanswerable. 

For though his Topicks^ frail and weak, 

Could [ne' er] amount above a Freak : 

He still maintain'd 'em, like his Faults, 

Against the desperat'st Assaults ; 

And back'd their feeble want of Sense 

With greater Heat and Confidence : 

As Bones of HeSlors when they differ, 

The more th' are CudgePd, grow the Stiffer. 

Yet when his Profit moderated, 

The fury of his Heat abated: 

For notliing l)ut Tiis Interest 

Could' lay his Devil of Contest. 

It was his Choice^ or' Chance, or Curse, 

T' espouse the Cause for Beti'r or worse ; 

And with his worldly Goods and Wit, 

And Soul, and Body, worshipp'd it : 

But when he found the sullen Trapes 

Possest with th' Devil, Worms, and Claps, 

The Trojan Mare in Fole with Greeks 

Not half so full of Jadish Tricks, 

Though Squeamish in her outward Woman, 

As loose and rampant as Dol common ; 

He still resolv'd to mend the matter, 

T*^ adhere and cleave the pbstinater ; 

And stfUthe skittisher and looser 

Her Freaks appear'd, to sit the closer. 

For Fools are stubborn in their way ; 

As Coins are hardned by tV Allay : 

And Obstinacy 's ne'r so stiff. 

As when 'tis in a wrong Belief. 

251 



HUDIBRAS 

These two, with others, being met, 
And close in Consultation set ; 
After a discontented pause, 
And not without sufficient cause. 
The Oratour we mention'd late, 
Less troubled with the pangs of State, 
Then with his own impatience. 
To give himself first Audience, 
After he had a while look'd wise. 
At last broke silence, and the Ice. 

Quoth he, There's nothing makes me doubt 

Our last Out-goings brought about^ 

More then to see the Charailers 

Of real Jealousies and Fears, 

Not feign' d, as once, hut sadly horrid, 

Scor'd upon ev'ry Member's Forehead : 

Who, 'cause the Clouds are drawn together. 

And threaten sudden change of Weather, 

Feel Pangs and Aches of State-turns, 

And Revolutions in their Corns ; 

And, since our Workings-out are crost. 

Throw up the Cause before 'tis lost. 

Was it to run away, we meant. 

When, taking of the Covenant, 

The lamest Cripples of the Brothers 

Took Oaths, to run before all others ; 

But, in their own sense, onely swore 

To strive to run away before ? 

And now would prove, the Words and Oath 

Ingage us to renounce them both? 

'Tis true, the Cause is in the lurch. 

Between a right and Mungrel Church, 

1 he Presbyter and Independent, 

That stickle which shall make an end on't: 

And 'twas made out to us the last 

Expedient, (/ mean, Margret'i Fast') 

When Providence had been suborn'd, 

What answer was to be return'd. 

Else why should Tumults fright us now. 



252 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

We have so many times gone through, 

And understand as well to tame. 

As, when they serve our turns, t' inflame ? 

Have prov'd how inconsiderable 

Are all Engagements of the Rabble, 

Whose Frenzies must he reconciled '- 

With Drums and Rattles like a Child; 

But never prov'd so prosperous. 

As when they were led on by us. 

For all our Scouring of Religion 

Began with Tumults and Sedition ; 

When Hurricanes of fierce Commotion 

Became strong Motives to Devotion ; 

(As Carnal Seamen in a Storm 

Turn pious Converts, and reform ;) 

When rusty Weapons with chalked Edges 

Maintain d our feeble Priviledges, 

And brown Bills levied in the City 

Made Bills to pass the Grand Committee ; 

When Zeal with aged Clubs and Gleaves 

Gave chase to Rochets and White Sleeves, 

And made the Church and State and Laws 

Submit f old Iron and the Cause. 

And as we thrived by Tumults then, 

So might we better now agen. 

If we know how, as then we did. 

To use them rightly in our need. 

Tumults by which the Mutinous 

Betray themselves in stead of us ; 

The Hollow-hearted DisaffeSfed, 

And Close Malignant are deteSied; 

Who lay their Lives and Fortunes down. 

For Pledges to secure our own. 

And freely sacrifice their Ears, 

T' appease our Jealousies and Fears. 

And yet for all these Providences 

W' are offer'd, if we had our senses. 

We idly sit, like stupid Block-heads, 

Our hands committed to our Pockets, 

And nothing but our Tongues at large. 



^53 



HUDIBRAS 

To get the Wretches a discharge. 
Like men condemned to Thunderbolts, 
Who, e'r the blow, become meer Dolts; 
Or Fools besotted with their Crimes, 
That know not how to shift betimes. 
And neither have the hearts to stay. 
Nor wit enough to run away. 
Who, if we could resolve on either. 
Might stand, or fall {at least) together : 
No mean nor trivial solaces 
To Partners in extream distress. 
Who use to lessen their Despairs, 
By parting them int' equal shares ; 
As if the more there were to hear. 
They felt the weight the easier ; 
And ev'ry one the gentler hung. 
The more he took his turn among. 

But *tis not come to that as yet. 

If we had Courage left or Wit ; 

Who, when our Fate can be no worse. 

Are fitted for the bravest course ; 

Have time to Rally, and prepare 

Our last and best defence, Despair ; 

Despair, by which the gallanfst Feats 

Have been atchiev'd in greatest streights. 

And horrid'st dangers safely wav'd. 

By b'ing courageously out-brav'd. 

As Wounds by wider wounds are heal'd. 

And Poisons by themselves expell'd. 

And so they might be now agen. 

If we were, what we should be. Men ; 

And not so dully desperate. 

To side against our selves with Fate : 

As Criminals condemtCd to suffer. 

Are blinded first, and then turned over. 

This comes of Breaking Covenants, 
And setting up Exauns of Saints, 
That Fine, like Aldermen, for Grace, 



254 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

To be excus'd the Efficace. 

For Spiritual men are too Transc enden t, 

That mount their Banks for (Tndependent^ , 

To hang like Mahomet in th' Air~ 

Or St. Ignatius at his Prayer, 

By pure Geometry, and hate 

Dependency on Church or State ; 

Disdain the Pedantry a' tV Letter, 

And since Obedience is better 

(The Scripture says') then Sacrifice, 

Presume the less orCt will suffice ; 

And scorn to have the moderat'st stints 

Prescribed their peremptory Hints, 

Or any Opinion, true or false. 

Declared as such, in Do£lrinals, 

But left at large to make their best on. 

Without Ving call'd f account or question. 

Interpret all the Spleen reveals. 
As Whittington explain" d the Bells ; 
And bid themselves turn back agen 
Lord Mafrs of New Jerusalem. 
But look so big and over-grown. 
They scorn their Edifiers f own. 
Who taught them all their sprinkling Lessons, 
Their Tones and sanSlifi'd expressions ; 
Bestowed their Gifts upon a Saint, 
Like Charity on those that want, 
And learned th" Apocryphal Bigots, 
T' inspire themselves with Short-hand Notes : 
For which they scorn and hate them worse. 
Then Dogs and Cats do Sowgelders. 
For who Jirst bred them up to Pray, 
AndTeach,_the House of Commons way ? 
Where ~Bad they all their Gifted Phrases, 
Bui from our Calamies and Cases ? 
Without whose Sprinkling an d Sow ing, 
Who e'r had heard of Nye "or Owen ? 
TFetr dispensations had been stified, 
iiit~for our AdonrratrT Bi fiel3T 



25s 



HUDIBRAS 

And had They not begun the War, 
Th' had ne'r been Sainted as they are. 
For Saints in Peace degenerate, 
And dwindle down to Reprobate: 
Their Zeal corrupts like standing Water, 
In tV Intervals of War and slaughter ; 
Abates the sharpness of its Edge, 
Without the Pow'r of Sacriledge. 
And though th' have Tricks to cast their Sins, 
As easie as Serpents do their Skins, 
That in a while grow out agen. 
In Peace they turn meer Carnal men, 
And from the most Refin'd of Saints, 
As naturally grow Miscreants, 
As Barnacles turn Soland-Geese 
In th' Islands of the Orcades. 
Their Dispensation 's but a Ticket, 
For their conforming to the Wicked ; 
With whom their greatest difference 
Lies more in words and shew, then sense. 
For as the Pope, that keeps the Gate 
Of Heaven, wears three Crowns in state ; 
So he that keeps the Gate of Hell, 
Proud Cerberus, wears three Heads as well: 
And, if the World has any troth. 
Some have been Canoniz'd in both. 
But that which does them greatest harm. 
Their Spiritual Gizzards are too warm. 
Which puts the over-heated Sots 
In Fevers still, like other Goats. 
For though the Whore bends Hereticks 
With Flames of Fire, like crooked Sticks ; 
Our Schismaticks so vastly differ, 
Th' hotter they are, they grow the sttffer ; 
Still setting off their spiritual goods. 
With fierce and pertinacious fewds. 
For Zeal's a dreadfull Termagant, 
jf hat teaches bainnjo^^Tjfir^^am^K,^:^ 
And ~In3e pen'denis,to profess 
j The Do^tSl_ ofT Sp^ndences ; 



256 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

Turns meek and sneaking Secret ones. 

To Raw-heads fierce and Bloody Bones : 

And not content with endless quarrels 

Against the Wicked and their Morals, 

The Gibellins, for want of Guelfs, 

Divert their rage upon themselves. 

For now theJ(Var^ is not between 

The Brethren, and the Men of sin i 

But Saint and Saint, to spill the Blood 

Of one dhother' s~ Brotherhood^^' 

tvhfre neither side can lay" pretence 

To Liberty of Conscience, 

Or zealous suffering for the Cause, 

To gain one Groats-worth of Applause : 

For though endur'd with Resolution, 

'Twill ne'r amount to Persecution. 

Shall Precious Saintj and Secret ones 

Break one anoiher's^^^usxS^^^Ssnes?^ 

And eat theFIeshof Brethren, 

In stead of Kings and Mighty men ? 

When Fiends agree among themselves. 

Shall they be found the greater Elves ? 

When Bel'j at Union with the Dragon, 

And Baal-Peor Friends with Dagon, 

When Savage Bears agree with Bears, 

Shall Secret ones lug Saints by tV Ears, 

And not atone their fatal wrath. 

When common Danger threatens both ? 

Shall Mastiffs by the Collars puWd, 

Engaged with Bulls, let go their hold? 

And Saints, whose Necks are pawned at stake. 

No notice of the Danger take ? 

But though no Pow'r of Heaven or Hell 

CanpacifiJ'^Fanatick Zeal; "^ 

PJ^To°'w^llff'Tioi' guesT there might be hopes. 

The fear of Gallowses and Ropes 

Before their Eyes might reconcile 

Their Animosities a while ? 

At least until tVhad a clear Stage, 

And equal Freedom to engage, 

R 257 



258 



HUDIBRAS 

Without the danger of Surprise 
By both our common Enemies? 

This none but we alone could doubt. 

Who understand their Workings-out, 

And know 'em both in Soul and Conscience, 

Giv'n up t' as Reprobate a Non-sense, 

As Spiritual Out-laws whom the Pow'r 

Of Miracle can ne'r restore. 

We whom at first they set up under. 

In Revelation onely of Plunder, 

Who since have had so many Trials 

Of their encroaching Self-denials, 

That rooked upon us with design 

To Out-reform and Undermine; 

Took all our Interests and Commands 

Perfidiously out of our hands ; 

Involv'd us in the Guilt of Bloud, 

Without the Motive-gains allowed. 

And made us serve as Ministerial, 

Like younger Sons of Father Belial. 

And yet for all th' inhumane wrong 

Th' had done us and the Cause so long. 

We never fail'd to carry on 

The Work still, as we had begun : 

But true and faithfully obeyed. 

And neither Preach' d them hurt, nor Pray'd; 

Nor troubled them to crop our Ears, 

Nor hang us like the Cavaliers ; 

Nor put them to the Charge of Gaols, 

To find us Pillories and Carts-tails, 

Or Hangman's Wages, which the State 

Was forc'd {before them) to be at. 

That cut like Tallies to the Stumps 

Our Ears for keeping true Accompts, 

And burnt our Fessels, like a New- 

Seal'd Peck or Bushel, for b'ing true. 

But hand in hand, like faithfull Brothers, 

Held forth the Cause against all others. 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

Disdaining equally to yield 

One Syllable of what we held. 

And though we differed now and then 

'Bout outward things^ and outward Men : 

Our inward Men and constant Frame 

Of Spirit still were near the same. 

And till they first began to Cant, 

And Sprinkle down the Covenant, 

We ne'r had Call in any place, 

Nor dream' d of Teaching down Free-Grace ; 

But join'd our Gifts perpetually 

Against the Common Enemy: 

Although 'twas our and their Opinion, 

Each other's Church was but a Rimmon. 

And yet for all this Gospel-Union, 

And outward shew of Church-Communion, 

They'l ne'r admit us to our shares. 

Of Ruling Church or State Affairs ; 

Nor give us leave t' absolve, or sentence 

T' our own Conditions of Repentance : 

But shar'd our Dividend o' th' Crown 

We had so painfully Preach'd down ; 

And forc'd us, though against the Grain, 

T' have Calls to teach it up again. 

For 'twas but Justice to Restore 

The Wrongs we had receiv'd before ; 

And when 'twas held forth in our way, 

W had been ungratefull not to pay : 

Who for the Right w' have done the Nation, 

Have earn'd our Temporal Salvation, 

And put our Vessels in a way. 

Once more to come again in Play. 

For if the turning of us out. 

Has brought this Providence about. 

And that our onely Suffering 

Is able to bring in the King: 

What would our Anions not have done. 

Had we been suffer' d to go on ? 

And therefore may pretend t' a share 

At least in carrying on th' Affair, 

R2 259 



HUDIBRAS 

But whether that be so or not, 

JV have done enough to have it thought ; 

And that's as good as if w' had don't. 

And easier past upon account, 

Forifit_he^ut half^en£d, 

'Tis_£^F~as goocTjiS-pistify'd. 

'tliefVofTd is^ nat'rally avejcse 

TT^lUklJiiuth^^it sees ^orhears, 

But swallows iJjmrien§e_-0]ji^^a^ie 

With ^eediness_/fnd ^ gluf 1;nny ; 

And though it have the Pique, and long, 

' Tis still for something in the wrong : 

As Women long, when th' are -with Child, 

For things extravagant and wild. 

For Meats ridiculous, and fulsom. 

But seldom any thing that's wholsom ; 

And, like the World, Men's fobhernoles 

Turn round upon their Ears, the Poles ; 

And what th' are confidently told. 

By no sense else can be controU'd. 

And this, perhaps, may prove the means. 

Once more, to hedge in Providence, 

For, as Relapses make Diseases 

More desp'rate than their first Accesses ; 

If we but get again in Pow'r, 

Our Work is easier than before ; 

And we more ready and expert 

I'th' Mystery, to do our Part. 

We, who did rather undertake 

The first War to create, than make : 

And when of Nothing 'twas begun, 

Rais'd Funds as strange, to carry' t on ; 

Trepann'd the State, and fac'd it down, 

With Plots and Projects of our own : 

And if we did such Feats at first. 

What can we now w'are better vers'd? 

Who have a freer Latitude 

Than Sinners give themselves allow' d? 

And therefore likeliest to bring in 



260 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

On fairest Terms, our Discipline. 

To which it was reveai'd long since, 

We were ordain' d by Providence: 

When Three Saints Ears, our Predecessors, 

The Cause's Primitive Confessors, 

B'ing Crucified, the Nation stood 

In just so many Tears of Blood : 

That multipWd by Six, expressed 

The perfeSt Number of the Beast. 

And prov'd that we must he the Men, 

To bring this Work about agen : 

And those who laid the first Foundation, 

Compleat the thorow Reformation : 

For who have Gifts to carry on 

So great a Work, but we alone ? 

What Churches have such able Pastors ? 

And Precious, Powerful, Preaching-Masters F 

Poss ess' d with Absolute Dominisps, 

(TrErefhren'sPurses and Opinions ? 

^Snd trustedTwlth the Double Keys 

Of Heaven, and their Ware-houses : 

Who, when the Cause is in Distress, 

Can furnish out what Sums they please. 

That Brooding lie in Bankers Hands, 

To be dispos'd at their Commands : 

And daily increase and multiply. 

With DoSlrine, Use and Usury. 

Can fetch in Parties {as in War, 

All other Heads of Cattel are ;) 

From th' Enemy of all Religions, 

As well as High and Low Conditions ; 

And share them from Blew Ribbands down. 

To all Blew Aprons in the Town. 

From Ladies hurried in Calleches, 

With Cornets at their Footmen's Breeches, 

To Bawds as fat as Mother Nab, 

All Guts and Belly like a Crab. 

Our Party's great, and better ti'd 

With Oaths, and Trade, than any side : 

Has one considerahl' Improvement, 

261 



HUDIBRAS 

To double fortifie the Covenant : 
I mean our Covenants to purchase 
Delinquents Titles and the Churches: 
That pass in Sale, from Hand, to Hand, 
Among our selves, for Current Land. 
And Rise or Fall, like Indian ASfions, 
According to the Rate of Factions : 
Our best Reserve for Reformation, 
When New-Outgoings give occasion : 
That keeps the Loins of Brethren girt. 
The Covenant {their Creed) f assert : 
And when tV have packed a Parliament, 
Will once more try tV Expedient, 
Who can already muster Friends, 
To serve for Members, to our Ends : 
That represent no part o'th' Nation, 
But Fisher' j-Folly Congregation : 
Are only Tools to our Intrigues, 
And sit like Geese to hatch our Eggs : 
Who, by their Precedents of Wit, 
T' out-fast, out-leiter, and out-sit : 
Can order matters under hand. 
To put all Business to a stand : 
Lay Publick Bills aside, for Private, 
And make 'em one another drive out ; 
Divert the Great and Necessary, 
With Trifles to contest and vary ; 
And make the Nation represent. 
And serve for us in Parliament ; 
Cut out more Work than can be done 
On Plato'f Year \ but finish none. 
Unless it be the Bulls of Lenthal, 
That always past for Fundamental. 
Can set up Grandee against Grandee, 
To squander time away, and Bandy, 
Make Lords and Commoners lay Sieves 
To one another's Privileges ; 
And, rather than compound the Quarrel, 
Engage, to th' inevitable peril " 
Of both their Ruins \ tnonly Scope 



262 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

And Consolation of our Hope : 

Who^ though we do not play the Game, 

Assist as much by giving Aim. 

Can introduce our ancient Arts, 

For Heads of Faaions, fait their Parts. 

Know what a Leading-Voice is worth ; 

A Seconding, a Third, or Fourth : 

How much a Casting Vote comes to. 

That turns up Trump, of I, or No ; 

And by adjusting all at tV End, 

Share ev'ry one his Dividend. 

An Art that so much Study costj 

AndTnoi^TJn ganger tq^^Jqst^ 

LTnlesr our Ancient Virtuoso's^ 

That foiind it out, get into th' Houses. 

TBese' are the Courses that we took 

To carry things, by Hook, or Crook : 

And pra£iic'd down from Forty four, 

Until they turned us out of Door ; 

Besides the Herds of Routefeus, 

We set on work, without the House. 

When ev'ry Knight and Citizen 

Kept Legislative fourney-men. 

To bring them in Intelligence 

From all Points of the Rabbles Sense ; 

And fill the Lobbies of both Houses 

With Politick. Important Buzzes : 

Set up Committees of Cabals, 

To pack Designs without the Walls. 

Examine, and draw up all News, 

And fit it to our present Use. 

Agree upon the Plot o'tF Farce, 

And every one his Yaxt rehearse. 

Make p'j of Answers, to way-lay 

What tV other Pariies'^like to say : 

PVhat Repartees, and smart Reflections 

Shall be returned to all Objections : 

And who shall break the Master-Jest, 

And what, and how, upon the rest : 

Help Pamphlets out, with safe Editions, 



263 



HUDIBRAS 

Of Proper Slanders and Seditions : 

And Treason for a Token send. 

By Letter, to a Country Friend. 

Disperse Lampoons, the only W^it, 

That Men, like Burglary, commit : 

Wit, falser than a Padder's Face, 

That all its Owner does, betrays : 

Who therefore dare not trust it, when 

He's in his Calling, to he seen. 

Disperse the Dung on Barren Earth, 

To bring new Weeds of Discord forth. 

Be sure to keep up Congregations, 

In spight of Laws and Proclamations ; 

For Chiarlatans can do no good. 

Until th' are mounted in a Crowd : 

And when th' are punished, all the Hurt 

Is but to fare the better for't ; 

As long as Confessors are sure 

Of double Pay for all tU endure : 

And what they earn in Persecution, 

Are paid t'a Groat in Contribution. 

Whence some Tub-holder s-f or th have made 

In Powdring-Tubs, their richest Trade : 

And while they kept their Shops in Prison. 

Have found their Prices strangely risen. 

Disdain to own the least Regret 

For all the Christian Blood w'have let ; 

'Twill save our Credit, and maintain 

Our Title, to do so again : 

That needs not cost one Dram of Sense, 

But Pertinacious Impudence: 

Our Constancy four Principles, 

In time, will wear out all things else ; 

Like Marble Statues, rub'd to pieces. 

With Gallantry of Pilgrim's Kisses : 

While those who turn and wind their Oaths 

Have swell' d, and sunk like other Froths. 

Prevail'd a while, hut 'twas not long. 

Before from World to World they swung : 

As they had turn' d from side, to side; 



xiiif 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

And as the Changelings liv'd they died. 

This said ; the impatient States-Mon^r\ 
Could now contain himself nounger ; 
Who had not spar'd to shew his Picques, 
Against th' Haranguers Politicks ? 
With smart Remarks of Leering Faces, 
And Annotations of Grimaces, 
After h'had ministred a Dose 
Of SnufF-Mundungus, to his Nose ; 
And powder' d th'inside of his Skull, 
Instead of tU outward Johhernol : 
He shook it, with a scornful Look 
On tV Adversary, and thus he spoke. 
In Dressing a Calve' s Head, although 
The Tongue and Brains together go, 
Both keep so great a distance here, 
'Tis strange, if ever they come near : 
For, who did ever play his Gambols, 
With such unsufferahle Rambles ? 
To make the bringing in the King, 
And keeping of him out^ one things' 
Which none uin do, but thosT'who swore 
T^as Point-blank Non-sense heretofore: 
That to Defend was to Invade, 
And to Assassinate, to Atd : 
Unless because you drove him out, 
{And that was never made a Doubt) 
No Pow'r is able to restore 
And bring him in, hut on your Score. 
A Spiritual DoSlrine, that conduces 
Most properly, to all your Uses. 
'Tis true, a Scorpion's Oyl is said 
To cure the Wounds the Fermine made ; 
And Weapons drest with Salves, restore 
And heal the Hurts they gave before: 
But whether Presbyterians have 
So much Good Nature as the Salve, 
Or Virtue in them as the Fermine, 
Those who have tri'd 'em can determine. 



265 



HUDIBRAS 

Indeed, 'tis pity you should miss 

Th' Arrears of all your Services, 

And for th' Eternal Obligation 

T'have laid upon th' Ungrateful Nation : 

B'us'd so unconscionable hard, 

As not to find a fust Reward. 

For letting Rapine loose, and Murther, 

To rage just so far, hut no further : 

And setting all the Land on fire. 

To burn t'a Scantling, hut no higher: 

For venturing to assassinate. 

And cut the Throats of Church and State: 

And not he allow' d the fittest Men 

To take the Charge of both agen. 

Especially, that have the Grace 

Of Self-denying, Gifted Face ; 

Who, when your Proje£fs have miscarri'd. 

Can lay them, with undaunted Fore-head, 

On those you painfully trepanned. 

And sprinkled in at Second Hand. 

As we have been, to share the Guilt 

Of Christian Blood, devoutly spilt ; 

For so our Ignorance was flam'd. 

To damn our selves, f avoid being damrCd: 

Till finding your old Foe, the Hang-man, 

Was like to lurch you at Back-Gammon ; 

And win your Necks upon the Set, 

As well as ours, who did but Bet: 

(For he had drawn your Ears before. 

And nick'd 'em on the self-same Score ;) 

We threw the Box and Dice away. 

Before y'had lost us at foul Play : 

And brought you down to Rook, and Lye, 

And Fancy only, on the By. 

Redeem' d your forfeit Jobbernoles, 

From pearching upon lofty Poles: 

And rescued all your Outward Traitors 

From hanging up like' Allegators : 

For which ingeniously y'have shew'd 

Tour Presbyterian Gratitude: 



266 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

Would freely have paid us home in kind. 

And not have been one Rope behind. 

Those were your Motives to divide. 

And scruple, on the other side. 

To turn your Zealous Frauds, and Force, 

To Fits of Conscience and Remorse. 

To be convinced they were in vain. 

And face about for New again : 

For Truth no more unvail'd your Eyes, 

Than Maggots are convinc'd to Flies: 

And therefore, all your Lights and Calls 

Are but Apocryphal, and False, 

To charge us with the Consequences 

Of all your Native Insolences. 

That to your own Imperious Wills, 

Laid Law and Gospel Neck and Heels: 

C orrupted the Old Testament, 

To serve the New fofTrecedent : 

T'amend its Errors and^nefeSh, 

With Murther~and KeBelliorPTexts : 

Ofwhtch there is~not~anf~one 

In all toe Book, to~sow upon : 

AndTtBeTeJore (^jrom your 1 nbe) the Jews 

Held'~Christtan Doifrine forth _a'nd Use: 

As MaEomet {your Chief) began 

To mix them in the Alchoran: 

iym5iintcr~and~frafT[^^~wW^ Fierce Devotion, 

And bended Elbows on the Cushion : 

Stole from the Beggars all your Tones, 

And Gifted-Mortifying Groans : 

Had Lights where better Eyes were blind. 

As Pigs are said to see the Wind: 

FilVd Bedlam with Predestination, 

And Knights-Bridge with Illumination: 

Made Children, with your Tones, to run for't. 

As bad as Bloody Bones or Lunsford. 

While Women, Great with Child, miscarri'd. 

For being to Malignants marri'd: 

Transformed all Wives to Dalilahs, 

Whose Husbands were not for the Cause : 

267 



HUDIBRAS 

And turrCd the Men to Ten-Horned Cattel, 
Because they came not out to Battel: 
Made Taylors Prentices turn Heroes, 
For fear of being transformed to Meroz ; 
And rather forfeit their Indentures, 
Than not espouse the Saints Adventures. 

Could Transubstantiate, Metamorphose, 

And charm whole Herds of Beasts, like Orpheus ; 

Inchant the King's and Churches Lands, 

T'obey and follow your Commands: 

And settle on a New Free-hold, 

As Marcly-Hill had done of Old. 

Could turn the Covenant, and translate 

The Gospel into Spoons and Plate: 

Expound upon all Merchants Cashes, 

And open th'intricatest Places : 

Could Catechise a Money-Box, 

And prove all Powches Orthodox ; 

Until the Cause became a Damon, 

And Pythias, the wicked Mammon. 

) And yet, in spight of all your Charms, 
j To conjure Legion up, in Arms ; 

And raise more Devils in the Rout, 
! Than e'er y'were able to cast out: 
\T'hav£^been_redu^dj^and_^by those Fools, 
\Bred uf {jou say')in^our owrT^cEoofs^^ 
I Who, though l)Ut fffied at your feet, 
\Have ygade it pttntr,' they have more Wit. 

By whom you have~BeenTo oft tr-lpan'd. 

And held forth out of all Command: 

Out-gifted, Out-impuls' d. Out-done, 

And Out-reveal'd at Carryings on. 

Of all your Dispensations Worm'd, 

Out-providenc'd, and Out-reform'd. 

EjeSfed out of Church, and State, 

And all things, but the People's Hate: 

And spirited out of th' Enjoyments 

Of precious, edifying Employments ; 

268 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

By those who lodged their Gifts and Graces, 

Like better Bowlers, in your Places. 

All which you bore, with Resolution, 

Charged on tV Account of Persecution ; 

And though, most Righteously opprest, 

Against your Wills, still acquiest : 

And never HunCd and HaVd Sedition, 

Nor snuffled Treason, nor Misprision, 

That is, because you never durst ; 

For, had you preach' d and prayed your worst, 

Alas, you were no longer able 

To raise your Posse of the Rabble : 

One single Red-Coat Sentinel 

Out-charm' d the Magick of the Spell; 

And with his Squirt-fire, could disperse 

Whole Troops, with Chapter rais'd, and Verse: 

We knew too well those tricks of yours. 

To leave it ever in your Powers : 

Or trust our Safeties, or Undoings, 

To your Disposing of Out-goings ; 

Or to your Ordering Providence, 

One Farthings-worth of Consequence. 

For, had you Pow'r to undermine. 
Or Wit to carry a Design, 
Or Correspondence, to trepan, 
Inveagle, or betray one Man ; 
There's nothing else that intervenes. 
And bars your Zeal to use the means. 
And therefore wondrous like, no doubt. 
To bring in Kings, or keep them out: 
Brave undertakers to restore. 
That could not keep your selves in pow'r 
T' advance the Interests of the Crown, 
That wanted Wit to keep your own. 

'Tis true, you have {for I'M be loth 
To wrong ye) done your Parts, in Both ; 
To keep him out, and bring him in. 
As Grace is introduc'd by Sin ; 

269 



HUDIBRAS 

For 'twas your %eakus want of Sense, 

And san£iifi'd Impertinence: 

Your carrying business in a Huddle, 

That forced our Rulers to New-Model ; 

Oblig'd the State to tack about, 

And turn you. Root and Branch, all out; 

To Reformado, One and All, 

T'your Great Croysado,. General: 

Tour greedy slav'ring to devour 

Before, 'twas in your Clutches, Pow'r. 

That sprung the Game you were to set. 

Before y'had time to draw the Net: 

Tour spight to see the Churches Lands 

Divided into other Hands. 

And all your Sacrilegious Ventures, 

Laid out on Tickets and Debentures ; 

Tour Envy to be sprinkled down. 

By Under Churches in the Town. 

And no Course us'd to stop their Mouths, 

Nor th' Independants spreading Growths. 

All which consider'd, 'tis most true. 

None bring him in so much jas you. 

Who have prevailed, beyond their Plots, 

Their Midnight' "Juntas, and seal'd Knots ; 

That thrive more by your Zealous Piques, 

Than all their own rash Politicks. 

An3~This way you may claim ~a Share, 

In carrying {as you brag) th' Affair; 

Else Frogs, and Toads, that croak'd the fews, 

From Pharo, and his Brick-kills-loose: 

And Flies, and Mange, that set them free. 

From Task-Masters, and Slavery : 

Were likelier to do the Feat, 

In any indiffrent Man's Conceit; 

For who e'er heard of Restoration, 

Until your thorough Reformation; 

That is, the King's and Churches Lands 

Were sequestred int'other Hands ? 

For, only then, and not before. 

Tour Eyes were opened to restore. 



270 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

And when the Work was carrying on. 

Who crost it, but your selves alone ? 

Asy by a World of Hints, appears. 

All plain, and extant, as your Ears. 

But first o'tU first ; The Isle of Wight 

Will rise up, if you should denft ; 

Where Hindersorij and th'other Masses, 

Were sent to cap Texts, and put Cases, 

To pass for Deep and Learned Scholars ; 

Although hut Paltry, Ob-and-SolIers : 

As if tFunseasonable Fools 

Had been a Coursing in the Schools ; 

Until tFhad proved the Devil Author 

O'th' Covenant ; and the Cause, his Daughter : 

For, when they charged him with the Guilt 

Of all the Blood that had been spilt ; 

They did not mean. He wrought th'Effusion 

In Person, like Sir Pride, or Hughson ; 

But only those, who first begun'' ' 

The Quarrel, were by him set on. 

And who could those be but the Saints, 

Those Reformation-Termegants ? 

But e'er this past, the wise Debate 

Spent so much time, it grew too late ; 

For Oliver had gotten Ground, 

T' enclose them, with his Worriers, round: 

Had brought his Providence about. 

And turned the untimely Sophists out. 

Nor had the Uxbridge business less 

Of Non-sence in t, and sottishness. 

When from a Scoundrel Holder forth. 

The Scum, as well as Son o'th' Earth, 

Your Mighty Senators took Law 

At his Command, were forc'd t' withdraw ; 

And_sacrifice^jh£jPeace^ o'th' Nation 

To DoSirtne, Use and Application. 

So~when iBe Scofs^~yiur constant Cronies, \ 

Th' Espousers of your Cause, and Monies: 

Who had so often, in your Aid, 

So many ways been soundly paid; 



271 



HUDIBRAS 

Came in at last, for better Ends, 

To prove themselves your trusty Friends, 

Tou basely left them, and the Church, 

Th'had trained you up to, in the Lurch, 

And suffered your own Tribe of Christians 

To fall before, as true Philistines. 

This shews what Utensils fhave been. 

To bring the King's Concernments in : 

Which is so far from being true. 

That none but He can bring in you. 

And if he take you into trust. 

Will find you most exaStly just : 

Such as will punifuaJly repay 

With double Interest, and betray. 

Not that I think those Pantomimes, 
Who vary ASiion with the Times: 
Are less ingenious in their Art, 
Than those who dully ait one Part; 
Or those who turn from Side, to Side; 
More guilty than the Wind and Tide. 
All Countries are a Wise Man's Home, 
'•And so are Governments to some. 
Who change them for the same Intrigues 
That States-Men use in breaking Leagues: 
While others in Old Faiths and Troths, 
Look odd, as in Out-of-fashiorC d Cloaths: 
And nastier, in an old Opinion, 
Than those who never shift their Linnen. 

For True and Faithful's sure to lose. 
Which way soever TKe^Game goes: ' 
And~ whether Parties'^lose or win. 
Is always nick'd, or else hedg'd in. 
While Pow'r usurp' d like stol'n delight. 
Is more bewitching than the Rightj, 
"AndTwhen the Times begin to alter, 
None rise so hish as from the Halter. 

And so may we, if w'have but Sense 



272 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

To use the necessary Means, 

And not your usual Stratagems 

On one another. Lights and Dreams. 

To stand on Terms as positive. 

As if we did not take, but give : 

Set up the Covenant on Crutches, 

'Gainst those who have us in their Clutches; 

And dream of pulling Churches down. 

Before w'are sure to prop our own: 

Tour constant Method of Proceeding, 

Without the Carnal Means of Heeding : 

Who, 'twixt your Inward Sense, and Outward, 

Are worse, than if y' had none, accoutred. 

I grant, all Courses are in vain. 

Unless we can get in again; 

The only way that's left us now. 

But all the difficulty's. How? 

'Tis true ! w'have Money, th'only Pow'r 

That all Mankind falls down before : 

Money, thai, like the Swords of Kings, 

Is the last Reason of all things. 

And therefore, need not doubt our Play 

Has all Advantages that way; 

As long as Men have Faith to sell. 

And meet with those that can pay well. 

Whose half-starv'd Pride and Avarice, 

One Church and State will not suffice, 

T' expose to Sale; beside the .JVage^ 

Of storing Plagues to after Ages_. 

Nor is our Money less our own. 

Than 'twas before we laid it down: 

For 'twill return, and turn f Account, 

If we are brought in Play upon't; 

Or, but by Casting Knaves, get in. 

What Pow'r can hinder us to win ? 

We know the Arts we us'd before. 

In Peace and War, and something more : 

And by the unfortunate Events, 

Can mend our next Experiments. 



273 



HUDIBRAS 

For, when w'are taken into Trust, 

How easie are the Wisest choust? 

Who see but tF out-sides of our Feats, 

And not their secret Springs and Weights; 

And while tVare husie at their ease. 

Can carry what Designs we please: 

How easie is't to serve for Agents, 

To prosecute our old Engagements ? 

To kee^ the Good Old Cause on Foot, 

And' present Power from taking^Root ? 

Inflame them both with false Alarms, 

uf "Plots, ~cm3rParties, "t'oEng^ Arms ; 

To~^eep'~fM^^JSfaiion's Wounds too wide 

For healing up of Side ~to Side. 

Profess the passionat'st Concerns, 

For both their Interests, by Turns. 

The only way ^improve our own, 

By dealing faithfully with none ; 

{As Bowls run true, by being made 

Of purpose false, and to be sway'd) 

For, if we should be true to either, 

'T would turn us out of both together: 

And therefore have no other Means, 

To stand upon our own Defence ; 

But keeping up our Ancient Party 

In Vigor, Confident, and Hearty: 

To reconcile our late Dissenters, 

Our Brethren, though by other Venters, 

Unite them, and their different Maggots, 

As long and short Sticks are in Faggots. 

And make them joyn again as close. 

As when they first began f Espouse ; 

EreSi them into Separate, 

New Jewish Tribes, in Church and State ; 

To joyn in Marriage and Commerce, 

And only among themselves Converse. 

And all that are not of their Mind, 

Make Enemies to all Mankind : 

Take all Religions in and stickle. 

From Conclave, down to Conventicle; 



274 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

Agreeing still, or disagreeing, 

According to the Light in Being. 

Sometimes, for Liberty of Conscience, 

And Spiritual Mis-rule, in one Sense : 

But in another quite contrary. 

As Dispensations chance to vary : 

And stand for, as the Times will bear it. 

All Contradiiiions of the Spirit : 

Protect their Emissaries, impowr'd 

To preach Sedition and the Word : 

And when tVare hamper'd by the Laws, 

Release the LaVrers for the Cause ; 

And turn the Persecution back. 

On those that made the first Attack. 

To keep them equally in awe. 
From breaking, or maintaining Law, 
And when they have their Fits too soon. 
Before the Full-Tides of the Moon : 
Put off' their Zeal fa fitter Season, 
For sowing FaHion in, and Treason ; 
And keep them hooded, and their Churches, 
Like Hawks from bating on their Perches. 
That when the Blessed Time shall come. 
Of quitting Babylon and Rome, 
They may be ready to restore 
Their own Fift-Monarchy, once more; 
Mean while, be better ArrrCd to Fence, 
Against Revolts of Providence ; 
By watching narrowly, and snapping 
All blind sides of it, as they happen : 
For, if Success could make us Saints, 
Our Ruin turn'd us Miscreants : 
A Scandal that would fall too hard 
Upon a Few, and unprepar'd. 

These are the Courses we must run, 
Spight of our Hearts, or be undone : 
And not to stand on Terms and Freaks, 
Before we have secur'd our Necks. 

s 2 275 



HUDIBRAS 

But do our Work, as out of sight. 
As Stars by Day, and Suns by Night: 
All Licence of the People own. 
In opposition to the Crown. 
And for the Crown as fiercely side, 
'The Head and Body to divide ^ 
The end of all we first designed. 
And all that yet remains behind: 
Be sure to spare no publick Rapine, 
On all Emergencies that happen ; 
For 'tis as easie to supplant 
Authority, as Men in want: 
As some of us, in trusts, have made 
The one hand with the other Trade; 
Gain'd vastly, by their foint-Endeavour ; 
The Right a Thief, the Left Receiver: 
And what the one, by tricks, fore-staWd, 
The other, by as sly, Retail'd. 
For Gain has wonderful EffeSts, 
T'improve the FaSfory of Se£ts ; 
The Rule of Faith in all Professions, 
And great Diana of the Ephesians : 
! Whence turning of Religion's made 
The means to turn and wind a Trade, 
And though some change it for the worse. 
They put themselves into a Course ; 
And draw in store of Customers, 
. To thrive the better in Commerce : 
; For, all Religions flock together, 
; Like Tame, and Wild-Fowl of a Feather j 
■ To nab the Itches of their SeSis : 
i As fades do one another's Necks. 
■ Hence 'tis, Hypocrisie, as well, 
' Will serve t'improve a Church, as Zeal: 
, As Persecution, or Promotion, 
1 Do equally advance Devotion. 

Let Business, like ill Watches, go. 
Sometime too fast, sometime too slow: 
For, things in order are put out 

276 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

So easie. Ease it self will do't. 

But when the Feat's desigrCd and meant. 

What Miracle can bar th" event? 

For 'tis mo re easie to betray, 

Than ruin any other way. 

All possible occasions start. 

The Weighty' St Matters to divert: 

ObstruSi, Perplex, Distrait, Intangle, 

And lay perpetual Trains to wrangle: 

But in Affairs of less Import, 

That neither do us Good nor Hurt, 

And they receive as little by. 

Out-fawn as much, and Out-comply: 

And seem as scrupulously just. 

To bait our Hooks for greater Trust. 

But still be careful to cry down 

All publick AStions, though our own : 

The least Miscarriage aggravate. 

And charge it all upon the State : 

Express the horrid'st Detestation, 

And pity the distra£led Nation. 

Tell Stories,_scandalous and false, 

rW^fofer^ Lang uage of Cabals : 

Where all a sublifSiSres-man says 

Is half in Words, and half in Face : 

{As Spaniards talk in Dialogues, 

Of Heads and Shoulders, Nods and Shrugs) 

Entrust it under solemn Vows 

Of Mum and Silence, and the Rose 

To be Retail'd again in Whispers, 

For th'easie credulous to disperse. 

Thus far the States-man. When a Shout, 

Heard at a distance, put him out. 

And strait another, all agast, 

Rush'd in with equal Fear and Haste: 

Who star'd about, as pale as Death, 

And for a while, as out of Breath; 

277 



278 



HUDIBRAS 

Till having gather'd up his Wits, 
He thus began his Tale by fits. 

That beastly Rabble, that came down 

From all the Garrets in the Town, 

And Stalls, and Shop-boards, in vast Swarms, 

With new-chalk' d Bills, and rusty Arms, 

To cry the Cause up, heretofore. 

And bawl the Bishops out of Door; 

Are now drawn up, in greater Shoals, 

To Roast and Boil us on the Coals: 

And all the Grandees of our Members 

Are Carbonading on the Embers; 

Knights, Citizens and Burgesses — 

Held forth by Rumps of Pigs and Geese. 

That serve for Characters and Badges, 

To represent their Personages. 

Each Bone-fire is a Funeral-Pile, 

In which they Roast, and Scorch, and Broil; 

And ev'ry Representative 

Have vow'd to Roast and Broil alive ; 

And 'tis a Miracle, we are not 

Already, sacrific'd Incarnate. 

For, while we wrangle here, and jar. 

Ware Grylly'd all at Temple Bar: 

Some, on the Sign-post of an Ale-house, 

Hang in Effigy, on the Gallows, 

Made up of Rags, to personate 

Respective Officers of State; 

That henceforth they may stand reputed, 

Proscrib'd in Law, and Executed, 

And while the Work is carrying on. 

Be ready Listed under Dun; 

That worthy Patriot, once the Bellows, 

And Tinder-box of all his Fellows. 

The aSiiv'st Member of the Five, 

As well as the most Primitive: 

Who, for his faithful Service then. 

Is chosen for a Fifth agen; 

{For, since the State has made a Quint 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

Of Generals, he's listed in't.) 

This Worthy, as the World will say. 

Is paid in Specie, his own way ; 

For, moulded to the Life in Clouts, 

Th'have picked from Dung-hills hereabouts : 

He's mounted on a Hazel Bavin, 

A crop'd Malignant Baker gave 'em : 

And, to the largest Bonefire riding, 

Th'have roasted Cook already, and Pride-m. 

On whom, in Equipage, and State, 

His Scare-crow Fellow- Members wait; 

And March in Order, two and two. 

As at Thanksgivings th'us'd to do : 

Each in a tatter'd Talismane, 

Like Vermine in Effigie slain. 

But (what's more dreadful than the rest) 
Those Rumps are but the Tail o'th' Beast ; 
Set up by Popish Engineers, 
As by the Crackers plainly appears : 
For, none but Jesuits have a Mission, 
To preach the Faith with Ammunition; 
And propagate the Church with Powder, 
Their Founder was a blown up Soldier. 
These Spiritual Pioneers o'th' Whores, 
That have the Charge of all her Stores ; 
Since first they fail'd in their Designs, 
To take in Heav'n by springing Mines ; 
And with unanswerable Barrels 
Of Gun-powder, dispute their Quarrels : 
Now take a Course more praSiicable, 
By laying Trains to fire the Rabble, 
And blow us up in th'open Streets ; 
Disguis'd in Rumps, like Sambenites ; 
More like to Ruin, and Confound, 
Than all their DoSlrines under-ground. 

Nor have they chosen Rumps amiss, 
For Symbols of State-Mysteries ; 
Though some suppose, 'twas but to shew 



279 



HUDIBRAS 

Hvaj much they scorned the Saints, The Fewi 

If^ho, 'cause tPare wasted t» the Stumps, 

Are represented best by Rumps. 

But y estates have deeper Reaches 

In all their Politick Far-fetches : 

And from their Captick Priest, Kirkenis, 

Found out this Afystici way to jear us. 

For, as the ^Egyptians us'd, by Bees, 

T" express their Antici Ptolmmes; 

And by their Stings, the Swords they wore. 

Held forth Authority and Paw'r : 

Because these subtil Animals 

Bear all their Inf rests in their Tails i 

And when th'are orue impaired in that. 

Are banisFd their WeU-vrder'd State : 

They thought, all Governments were best. 

By Hieroglyphick Rumps, exprest. 

For, as in Bodies Natural, 
. The Rune's the Fundament of all; 
So, in a Commonwealth, or Realm, 
The Government is calPd the Helm : 
JVith which, like Vessels under Sail, 
TV are tunCd and winded by the Tail, 
The Tail, which Birds and Fishes steer 
Their Courses with, through Sea and Air ; 
To whom the Rudder of the Rump is 
The same thing JVith the Stem and Compass. 
This shews, hew perfeSh the Rump 
I Ahd^' Commonwealth in Nature jump. 
For, as a Fly, that goes to Bed, 
Rests with Ins Tail above his Head; 
So in this Mungril State of ours. 
The Rabble are the Supreme Powers. 
That Hors'd us on their Backs to show us 
A Jadish trick at last, and throw us. 

The Learned Rabbins of tht J^ews 

JVrite, there's a Bone, which they call Luez, 



280 



THIRD PART, CANTO II 

I'th' Rump of Man, of such a Vertue, 
No force in Nature can do hurt to ; 
And therefore, at the last Great Day, 
All tV other Members shall, they say. 
Spring out of this, as from a Seed, 
All sorts of Vegetals proceed : 
From whence, the Learned Sons of Art, 
Os Sacrum, justly stile that part. 

Then what can better represent. 
Than this Rump-bone, the Parliament ? 
That after several rude EjeSiions, 
And as prodigious Re'surreSiions ; 
With new Reversions of nine Lives, 
Starts up, and, like a Cat, revives? 

But now, alas, tVare all expir'd. 
And tV House, as well as Members, fir'd ; 
Consumed in Kennels, by the Rout, 
With which they other Fires put out: 
Condemned t'ungoverning Distress, 
And Paultry, Private Wretchedness : 
Worse than the Devil to Privation, 
Beyond all hopes of Restauration ; 
And parted like the Body and Soul, 
From all Dominion and Controul. 

We, who could lately, with a Look, 

EnaSt, Establish, or Revoke; 

Whose Arbitrary Nods gave Law, 

And Frowns kept multitudes in Awe: 

Before the Bluster of whose Huff, 

All Hats, as in a Storm, flew off. 

Ador'd and bow'd to, by the Great, 

Down to the Foot-man, and Valet, 

Had more bent Knees than Chappel-Mats, ' 

And Prayers, than the Crowns of Hats ; 

Shall now be scorned as wretchedly. 

For Ruin's just as low as high ; 

Which might be suffered, were it all 

281 



HUDIBRAS 

The Horrour, that attends our Fall: 

For, some of us have Scores more large 

Than Heads and Quarters can discharge. 

And others who, by restless scraping. 

With Puhlick Frauds, and Private Rapine; 

Have mighty Heaps of Wealth amass'd. 

Would gladly lay down all at last : 

And to be but undone. Entail 

Their Vessels on perpetual Jail; 

And bless the Devil to let them Farms 

Of forfeit Souls, on no worse Terms. 

This said, A near and louder Shout 

Put all th' Assembly to the Rout: 

Who now begun f out-run their fear, 

As Horses do, from those that bear : 

But crouded on, with so much haste, 

Until tVhad blocked the Passage fast ; 

And Barricadoed it with Haunches 

Of Outward Men, and Bulks, and Paunches : 

That with their shoulders strove to squeeze. 

And rather save a Cripled piece 

Of all their crush" d and broken Members, 

Than have them Grillied on the Embers: 

Still pressing on with heavy Packs, 

Of one another, on their Backs : 

The Van-Guard could no longer bear 

The Charges of the Forlorn Rere ; 

But born down head-long by the Rout, 

Were trampled sorely under Foot. 

Tet nothing proved so formidable. 

As the horrid Cookery of the Rabble : 

And Fear that keeps all Feeling out. 

As lesser Pains are, by the Gout, 

Relieved 'em with a fresh Supply 

Of rallied Force, enough to fly ; 

And heat a Tuscan Running Horse, 

Whose focky-Rider is all Spurs. 



282 



THIRD PART, CANTO III 



CANTO III. 



The ARGUMENT. 

The Knight and Squire's Prodigious Flight, 
To quit tVlnchanted Bo-ui'r by Night : 
He plods to turn his Amorous Suit 
T'a Plea in Law, and prosecute : 
Repairs to Counsel, to advise 
'Bout managing the Enterprize : 
But first resolves to try by Letter, 
And once more, fair Address, to get her. 

WHo would believe what strange Bugbears 
Mankind creates it self, of Fears ? 
That spring like Fern, that Inseft Weed, 
Equivocally, without Seed; 
And have no possible Foundation, 
But merely in th'Imagination : 
And yet can do more dreadful Feats, 
Than Hags, with all their Imps and Teats : 
Make more bewitch and haunt themselves, 
Than all their Nurseries of Elves. 
For fear does things so like a Witch, 
'Tis hard t'unriddle which is which. 
Sets up Communities of Senses, 
To chop and change Intelligences : 
As Rosi-crusian [Virtuoso's, 
Can see with Ears, and hear with Noses: 
And when they neither see nor hear, 
Have more than both suppli'd by Fear ; 
That makes 'em in the dark see Visions, 

283 



HUDIBRAS 

And hag themselves with Apparitions : 

And when their Eyes discover least, 

Discern the subt'lest Objefts best. 

Do things not contrary alone 

To th'Course of Nature, but its own: 

The Courage of the Bravest daunt. 

And turn Pultroons as valiant ; 

For Men as resolute appear 

With too much, as too little Fear, 

And when th'are out of hopes of flying. 

Will run away from Death by dying : 

Or turn again to stand it out, 

And those they fled, like Lions Rout. 

This Hudibras had prov'd too true, 

Who, by the Furies, left Perdue : 

And haunted with Detachments, sent 

From Marshal-Legion\ Regiment ; 

Was by a Fiend, as counterfeit, 

Reliev'd and Rescu'd with a Cheat ; 

When nothing but himself and fear 

Was both the Imps and Conjurer: 

As by the Rules o'th' Virtuosi, 

It follows in due Form of Posie. 

Disguis'd in all the Masks of Night, 

We left our Champion on his flight : 

At Blind-MarC s-Buff, to grope his way, 

In equal fear, of Night and Day : 

Who took his dark and desp'rate Course, 

He knew no better than his Horse ; 

And by an unknown Devil led, 

(He knew as little whether) fled. 

He never was in greater need. 

Nor less Capacity of Speed: 

Disabled both in Man and Beast, 

To fly, and run away, his best ; 

To keep the Enemy, and Fear, 

From equal falling on his Rere. 

And though with Kicks and bangs he ply'd 

The further, and the nearer side : 



284 



THIRD PART, CANTO III 

(As Sea-men ride with all their force, 
And Tug as if they Rowed the Horse ; 
And when the Hackney Sails most swift. 
Believe they lag^ or run a-drift) 
So though he posted e'er so fast, 
His Fear was greater than his Haste: 
For Fear though fleeter than the Wind, 
Believes 'tis always left behind. 
But when the Morn began to appear. 
And shift f another Scene his Fear ; 
He found his new Officious Shade, 
That came so timely to his Aid: 
And forc'd him from the Foe t'escape. 
Had turn'd it self to Ralpho's shape. 
So like in Person, Garb and Pitch, 
'Twas hard t' interpret which was which. 

For Ralpho had no sooner told 
The Lady all he had t'unfold, 
But she convey'd him out of sight. 
To entertain the approaching Knight. 
And while he gave himself Diversion, 
T' accommodate his Beast and Person ; 
And put his Beard into a posture. 
At best advantage to accost her : 
She orde r'd th' Antimasqu erade, \ 

(For his Keception]r«^'ijfljW.* ; 

But when the Ceremony was done. 
The Lights put out, and Furies gone ; 
And Hudihras, amongst the rest, 
Convey'd away, as Ralpho guest : 
The wretched Caitiff all alone, 
(As he believ'd) began to moan. 
And tell his Story to himself; 
The Knight mistook him for an Elf. 
And did so still, till he began 
To scruple at Ralph's Outward Man : 
And thought, because they oft agreed, 
T'appear in one another's stead; 
And aft the Saint's and Devil's Part, 



285 



HUDIBRAS 

With undistinguishable Art. 

They might have done so now perhaps, 

And put on one another's Shapes ; 

And therefore, to resolve the doubt. 

He star'd upon him, a[n]d cry'd out. 

What art ? My Squire, or that bold Sprite, 

That took his Place and Shape to Night ? 

Some busie Independent Pug, 

Retainer to his Synagogue ? 

Alas, quoth he, I'm none of those 

Your Bosom-Friends, as you suppose ; 

But Ralph himself, your trusty Squire, 

Wh'has drag'd your Dunship ottt o'th' Mir£; 

And from~WFTncl}animents of a Widdow, 

WWhiaS turned you ~inP''a Beast, have freed you, 

jfnZ^ iBoicgh a Prisoner "^ War, " 

Have brought you safe, where now you are. 

Which you would gratefully repay. 

Your constant Presbyterian -way. 

That's stranger (quoth the Knight) and stranger: 

Who gave thee notice of my danger P 

Quoth he, Th'Infernal Conjurer 

Pursu'd and took me Prisoner ; 

And knowing you were here about. 

Brought me along, to find you out. 

Where I in Hugger-mugger hid. 

Have noted all they said and did : 

And though they lay to him the Pageant, 

I did not see him, nor his Agent ; 

Who plai'd their Sorceries out of sight, 

T'avoid a fiercer, second Fight. 

But, didst thou see no Devils then? 
Not one, quoth he, but Carnal Men. 
A little worse than Fiends in Hell, 
And that She-Devil, Jezabel ; 
That laugh' d and tee-he'd with derision. 
To see them take your Deposition. 
What then (quoth Hudibras) was he. 
That plaid the Dev'l, to examine me ? 



286 



THIRD PART, CANTO III 

A Rallying Weaver in the Town^ 

That did it in a Parson's Gown: 

Whom all the Parish takes for gifted ; 

But, for my part, I ne'er believ'd it. 

In which you told them all your Feats, 

Tour Conscientious Frauds and Cheats ; 

Deny'd your Whipping, and confess'd 

The naked Truth of all the rest : 

More plainly than the Reverend Writer, 

That to our Churches veil'd his Mitre. 

All which_the^_took^in Black and^ ^'^£££1 

AnS~^udgel'd m e to under-write. 

WEat made IFee, wEenTtH^rall were gone, 

And none but thou and I alone ; 

To acft the Devil, and forbear 

To rid me of my Hellish Fear ? 

Quoth he, / knew your constant Rate, 

And Frame of Sp'rite, too obstinate. 

To be by me prevail' d upon 

With any Motives of my own : 

And therefore strove to counterfeit 

The Dev'l a while, to Nick your Wit. 

The Devil, that is your constant Crony, 

That only can prevail upon ye ; 

Else we might still have been disputing, 

And they with weighty Drubs confuting. 

The Knight, who now began to find 

Th'had left the Enemy behind ; 

And saw no farther harm remain, 

But feeble Weariness and Pain ; 

Perciev'd, by losing of their Way, 

Th'had gain'd th'advantage of the Day; 

And by declining of the Road, 

They had by chance their Rere made good. 

He ventur'd to dismiss his Fear, 

That parting's wont to Rant and Tear. 

And gives the desperat'st Attack 

To danger, still behind its Back. 

For, having paws'd to recoUedl, 

287 



288 



HUDIBRAB 

And on his past Success refleft, 

T'examine and consider why, 

And whence, and how, he came to fly; 

And when no Devil had appear'd, 

What else, it could be said, he fear'd ? 

It put him in so fierce a Rage, 

He once resolv'd to re-engage ; 

Tost like a Foot-ball back again, 

With Shame, and Vengeance, and Disdain. 

Quoth he. It was thy Cowardise 
That made me from this Leaguer rise ; 
And when I had half reduced the place. 
To quit it infamously base. 
Was better covered by thy New 
Arrived Detachment than I knew: 
To slight my new Acquests, and run 
FiSloriously, from Battels won. 
And reclining all I gain'd or lost. 
To sell them cheaper than they cost. 
To make me put my self to flight ; 
And Conquering, run away by Night. 
To drag me out, which tV haughty Foe, 
Durst never have presumed to do. 
To mount me in the dark by force. 
Upon the bare Ridge of my Horse. 
Exposed in Querpo to their Rage, 
Without my Arms and Equipage; 
Lest, if they ventured to pursue, 
I might the unequal Fight renew. 
And, to preserve thy Outward Man, 
Assumed my Place, and led the Van. 

All this, quoth Ralph, / did, 'tis true. 

Not to preserve my self, but you, 

Tou, who were damned to baser Drubs, 

Than Wretches feel in Powd'ring Tubs : 

To mount two wheel'd Carroches, worse 

Than mannaging a Wooden Horse : 

Drag'd out through straiter Holes, by th'Ears, 



THIRD PART, CANTO III 

Erased, or Coufd for Perjurers. 

Who., though the Attempt had prov'd in -vain. 

Had had no reason to complain : 

But since it prospered, ^tis unhandsome 

To blame the Hand that paid your Ransome ; 

And rescued your obnoxious Bones 

From unavoidable Battoons. 

The Enemy was reinforced. 

And we disabled and unhors'd: 

Disarmed, unqualified for Fight ; 

And no way left, but hasty Flight. 

Which, though as desperate in the Attempt, 

Has giv'n you freedom to condemn' t. 

But were our Bones in fit Condition 

To re-inforce the Expedition, 

'Tis now unseasonable, and vain. 

To think of falling on again : 

No Martial ProjeSf to surprize. 

Can ever be attempted twice ; 

"Nor cast design serve afterwards. 

As Gamesters tear their losing Cards. 

Beside, our bangs of Man and Beast 

Are fit for nothing now but Rest. 

And for awhile will not be able 

To rally, and prove serviceable. 

And therefore I with reason chose 

This Stratagem, t'amuse our Foes. 

To make an Honourable Retreat, 

And wave a total sure Defeat: 

For, those that fly, may fight again. 

Which he can never do that's slain. 

Hence timely Runnings no mean part \ 

Of ConduSi, in the Martial Art. I 

By which some Glorious Feats atchieve. 

As Citizens, by breaking, thrive. 

And Cannons conquer Armies, while 

They seem to draw off and recoyl. 

Is held the gallantest Course, and bravest. 

To great Exploits, as well as safest: 

T 289 



HUDIBRAS 

That spares the Expence of Time and Pains, 

And dangerous beating out of Brains. 

And in the end prevails, as certain. 

As those that never trust to Fortune ; 

But make their Fear do Execution, 

Beyond the stoutest Resolution ; 

As Earth-quakes kill, without a Blow, 

And only trembling, overthrow. 

If th^ Ancients Crowned their bravest Men 

That only sav'd a Citizen, 

What ViSlory could e'er be won. 

If ev'ry one would save but one ? 

Or Fight endangered to be lost. 

Where all resolve to save the most ? 

By this means, when a Battel's won. 

The War's as far from being done : 

For those that save themselves, and fly. 

Go halves, at least, in th'Viilory : 

And sometime, when their loss is small. 

And danger great, they challenge all : 

Print new Additions to their Feats, 

And Emendations in Ga%ets ; 

And when, for furious haste to run. 

They durst not stay to fire a Gun : 

Have don't with Bone-fires, and at home. 

Make Squibs and Crackers overcome. 

To set the Rabble on a Flame, 
And keep their Governors from Blame : 
Disperse the News, the Pulpit tells, 
Confirm'd with Fire-works, and with Bells : 
And though reduc'd to that Extream, 
They have been forc'd to sing Te Deum ; 
Yet, with Religious Blasphemy, 
By flattering Heaven with a Lie, 
And for their Beating, giving Thanks, 
Th'have rats' d Recruits, and fill'd their Banks ; 
For those who run from the Enemy, 
Engage them equally to fly. 
, And when the Fight becomes a Chace, 



290 



THIRD PART, CANTO III 

Those win the Day, that win the Race ; I 

And that which would not pass in Fights, 

Has done the Feat with easie Slights. 

Recover'd many a desfrate Campain, 

With Bourdeaux, Burgundy and Champain. 

Restored the fainting High and Mighty 

With Brandy-Wine and Aqua-Vita. 

And made them stoutly overcome. 

With Bacrach, Hocamore and Mum : 

Whom, the uncontrouVd Decrees of Fate 

To ViSiory necessitate. 

With which, although they run or hum. 

They unavoidably return : 

Or else their Sultan-Populaces 

Still strangle all their routed Basso's. 

Quoth Hudibras, / understand 
What Fights thou meanest at Sea and Land; 
And who those were that run away. 
And yet gave out th'had won the day: 
Although the Rabble souc'd them for't. 
O'er Head and Ears in Mud and Dirt. 
'Tis true, our Modern way of War 
Is grown more __politick by far ; 
But not so resolute and bold. 
Nor tfd to Honour, as the Old. 
For, now they laugh at giving Battel, 
Unless it be to Herds of Cattel : 
Or fighting Convoys of Provision, 
The whole design of the Expedition. 
And not with down-right blows to rout 
The Enemy, but eat them out: 
As Fighting in all Beasts of Prey, 
And Eating are performed one way. 
To gi ve defianc e_to their teeth, 
Arid_^^iLJhe^_7tu})born Guts to death. 
And those atchieve^ the high'st Renown^ 
That bring the other Stomachs down. 
Therms now no fear of wounds nor maiming, 
~Jangers~are reduced to Famine. 

T2 



291 



HUDIBRAS 

And Feats of Arms, to Plot, Design, 

Surprize, and Stratagem, and Mine. 

But have no need, nor use of Courage, 

Unless it be for Glory, or Forrage : 

For if they fight, 'tis but by chance, 

When one side venturing to Advance, 

And come uncivilly too near. 

Are charged unmercifully i'tV Rere: 

And forced with terrible resistance. 

To keep hereafter at a distance. 

To pick out Ground to incamp upon 

Where store of largest Rivers run. 

That serve instead of peaceful Barriers 

To part tU Engagements of their Warriers. 

Where both from side to side may skip. 

And only encounter at Bo-peep. 

For Men are found the stouter hearted. 

The certainer th'are to be parted. 

And therefore post themselves in Bogs, 

As the ancient Mice attack' d the Frogs ; 

And made their mortal Enemy, 

The Water-Rat, their great Ally. 

For 'tis not now, who's stout and bold ; 

But who bears Hunger best, and Cold : 

And he's approv'd the most deserving. 

Who longest can hold out at starving : 

But he that routs most Pigs and Cows, 

The formidablest Man of Prowess. 

So, the Emperor Caligula, 

That triumph' d o'er the British Sea ; 

Took Crabs and Oysters Prisoners, 

And Lobsters, 'stead of Curasiers ; 

Engag'd his Legions in fierce Bustles, 

With Periwinkles, Prawns and Muscles : 

And led his Troops with furious Gallops, 

To charge whole Regiments of Scallops. 

Not like their ancient way of War, 

To wait on his Triumphal Cam 

But when he went to Dine or Sup, 

More bravely eat his Captives up ; 



292 



THIRD PART, CANTO III 

And left all Wars by his Example, 
Reduc'd to viit'ling of a Camp well. 

Quoth Ralph, by all that you have said. 

And twice as much that I could add, 

'Tis plain, you cannot now do worse. 

Than take this out-of-fashion^ d course : 

To hope by stratagem to woo her. 

Or waging Battle to subdue her. 

Though some have done it in Romances, 

And bang'd them into amorous Fancies, 

As those, who won the Amazons, 

By wanton drubbing of their bones : 

And stout Rinaldo gained his Bride 

By Courting of her Back and Side. 

But since those times and feats are over. 

They are not for a Modern Lover : 

When Mistresses are too cross-grain' d, 

By such Addresses, to he gained : 

And if they were, would have it out. 

With many other kind of Bout. 

Therefore I hold no Course s'infesible 

As this of force to win the Jezabel. 

To storm her heart, by th'Antick Charms 

Of Ladies Errant, force of Arms ; 

Bu t rather strive by Law to winher. 

An d try the T itf^^y ou [have t rT her. 

iour~7aseis jlear\you have her Word , 

And me to witn e ss the Accord, 

Besides two more of her Ketinue, 

To testifie what passed between you. 

More probable, and like to hold, 

Than Hand, or Seal, or breaking Gold : 

For which so many that renounced 

Their plighted Contrails, have been trounc'd. 

And Bills upon Record been found, 

That forced the Ladies to compound : 

And that unless I miss the matter. 

Is all the business you look after : 

Besides, Encounters at the_ Bar, 

293 



HUDIBRAS 

Are hravernoWy than those in War. 
In whichtFe Law doefT^xecufion, 
With less Disorder and Confusion : 
Has more of Honour in't some hold, 
Not like the New way, hut the Old. 
When those the Pen had drawn together. 
Decided Quarrels with the Feather, 
And winged Arrows kilVd as dead. 
And more than Bullets now of Lead. 
'So all their Combats now, as then, 
Are managed chiefly by the Pen. 
That does the Feat, with braver Vigours, 
In words at length, as well as Figures. 
Is fudge of all the World performs. 
In voluntary Feats of Arms. 
And whatso'ere's atchiev'd in Fight, 
Determines which is wrong or right; 
For whether you Prevail or Lose, 
All must be try'd there in the close. 
And therefore 'tis not wise to shun, 
What you must trust to, ere y'have done. 

The Law, that settles all you do. 
And marries where you did hut woo ; 
That makes the most perfidious Lover, 
A Lady, that's as false, recover : 
And if it Judge upon your side. 
Will soon extend her for your Bride : 
And put her Person, Goods, or Lands, 
Or which you like hest int'your hands ; 

For Law's the Wisdom of all Ages 
And managed by the ablest Sages, 
Who though their Business at the Bar 
Be hut a kind of Civil War, 
In which tVingage with fiercer Dudgeons 
Than e're the Grecians did and Trojans. 
They never manage the Contest, 
T' impair their publick Interest ; 
Or by their Controversies, lessen 



294 



THIRD PART, CANTO III 

The dignity of their Profession : 
Not like us Brethren, who divide 
Ou r Common-wea lth, tEe Cause and Side, 
And though w' are all as near of Kindred 
ATtlyjutwar3' Man is to 'l^TTinwardi ; 
VFe agree tn nothing hut to wrangle 
Ahouithe j lightesi [fngle fanghj 
WhTTe Lawyers ha ve more soheri_sense. 
Than to argueat~iFeir ownexj^nce. 
But make their best Advantages, 
7^ other quarrels, like the Swiss, 
fnd out ^'Foreign Controversies, 
By aiding~hoth sides, fill their Purses. 
Bui have no intWest in the Cause, 
For wMchth^e^a^e^Jand~wage the Laws : 
Nor~furtherProspeJf than~theif~Pay, 
Whether they lose or win the Day. 
And though tF abounded in all Ages, 
With sundry learned Clerks, and Sages. 
Though all their business be Dispute, 
With which they canvas every Suit ; 
Th' have no disputes about their Art, 
Nor in Polemicks controvert. 
While all Professions else are found. 
With nothing but Disputes f abound : 
Divines of all sorts, and Physicians, 
Philosophers, Mathematicians ; 
The Gallenist, and Paracelsian, 
Condemn the way each other deals in. 
Anatomists disseSl and mangle. 
To cut themselves out Work to wrangle. 
Astrologers dispute their Dreams ; 
That in their Sleeps they talk of Schemes. 
And Heralds stickle, who got who. 
So many hundred Years ago. 

But Lawyers are too wise a Nation, 
T^ expose their Trade to Disputation: 
Or make the busie Rabble Judges, 
Of all their secret Pi\(f\ues, and Grudges: 



295 



HUDIBRAS 

In which whoever wins the day. 
The whole Profession's sure to pay. 

Beside, no Mountebanks, nor Cheats 

Dare undertake to do their Feats ; 

IVhen in all other Sciences, 

They swarm, like InseSfs, and Increase: 

For what Bigot durst ever draw, 

By Inward Light, a Deed in Daw ? 

Or could hold forth, by Revelation, 

An Answer to a Declaration ? 

For those that meddle with their Tools 

Will cut their Fingers, if tFare Fools. 

And if you follow their Advice, 

In Bills, and Answers, and Replies : 

They'l write a Love-Letter in Chancery 

Shall bring her upon Oath to Answer ye. 

And soon Reduce you to Vyour Wife, 

Or make her weary of her Life. 

The Knight who us'd with Tricks and Shifts, 

To Edifie by Ralpho'% Gifts : 

But in appearance cry'd him down, 

To make them better seem his own, 

(All Plagiary ^ Constant Course 

C!>i_jinMng, when {Sey take a Purse ) 

Resolv'd tofoIIowTiis''S3vice, 

But kept it from him in disguise : 

And after stubborn Contradiction, 

To Counterfeit his own Conviftion, 

And by Transition, fall upon 

The Resolution, as his own. 

Quoth he ; This Gambol thou advisest. 
Is of all others, the unwisest ; 
For if I think by Law to gain her, 
There's nothing sillier nor vainer. 
'Tis but to hazard my Pretence, 
Where nothing's certain but th' Expence, 
To ASi against my self, and Traverse 



296 



THIRD PART, CANTO III 

My Suit and Title to her favours. 
And if she should, which Heaven forbid, 
O'rethrow me, as the Fidler did, 

What after-course have I to take, 

^Gainst losing all I have at Stake ? 

He that with injury is _£]2S^, 

And goes~to^cm) Jo he RJItev^d ; 

Is stllter~ than a sottish Chews, 

iPTo wBerTa Thief has RoFd his house ; 

AffNes^ himself to Cunning-men 

Tohe^ him to. his Goods ~again. 

IVhen all he can expeSt to gain. 

Is but to squander more in vain : 

And yet I have no other way. 

But is as difficult, to play. 

For to reduce her, by main force. 

Is now in vain, by fair means, worse : 

But worst of all, to give her over. 

Till she's as desfrate to recover. 

For bad Games are thrown up too soon. 

Until tUare never to be won. 

But since I have no other Course, 

But is as bad t^ attempt, or worse: 

He that complies against his Will, 

Is of his own Opinion still ; 

Which he may adhere to, yet disown. 

For Reasons to himself best known : 

But 'tis not to be avoided now. 

For Sidrophel resolves to sue: 

Whom I must answer, or begin 

Inevitably, first with him. 

For I've reciev'd Advertisement, 

By times, enough of his intent ; 

And knowing, he that first complains, 

Th' advantage of the business gains. 

For Courts of "Justice understand 

The Plaintiff to be eldest hand ; 

Who what he pleases may aver 

The other nothing till he swear: 



297 



HUDIBRAS 

Is freely admitted to all Grace, 

And Lawful Favour by his place : 

And for his bringing Custom in. 

Has all Advantages to win. 

I who resolve to oversee 

No lucky Opportunity, 

Will go to Counsel, to advise 

Which way (encounter or surprize. 

And after long consideration. 

Have found out one to fit tU occasion ; 

Most apt, for what I have to do, 

As Counsellor, and Justice, too. 

And truly so, no doubt, he was, 

A Lawyer fit for such a Case. 

An Ol d Dull Sot^; wh'had told the Clock, 
For many years at Bridewel-Dock. 
At Westminster, and Hickses-Hall, 
And Hiccius-Doc\f\ius play'd in all ; 
Where in all Governments, and Times, 
H'ha3~b een""5otK /^jfg^T^JIJ^'^" Crimes, 
And us*3 two_ equal ways of gaiiimg," 
By hind/ring Justice, or maintaining : 
To many a "WKbre gave i'rivtledge^ 
And whip'd, for want of Quarteridge, 
Cart-loads of Bawds, to Prison sent 
For b'ing behind a Fortnights Rent. 
And many a trusty Pimp and Croney, 
To Puddle-dock, for want of money. 
Ingag'd the Constable to seize 
All those, that would not break the Peace. 
Nor give him back his own foul words. 
Though sometimes Commoners, or Lords : 
And kept 'em Prisoners, of Course, 
For being sober at ill hours. 
That in the Morning he might Free, 
Or bind 'em over, for his Fee. 
Made Monsters fine, and Puppet-plays, 
For leave to praftice, in their ways : 
Farm'd out all Cheats, and went a share. 



298 



THIRD PART, CANTO III 

With th' Headborough, and Scavenger, 

And made the Dirt ith' Streets Compound, 

For taking up the Publick Ground : 

The Kennel, and the King's High-way, 

For being unmolested, Pay. 

Let out the Stocks, and Whipping-Post, 

And Cage, to those that gave him most; 

Impos'd a Tax on Bakers Ears, 

And for False Weights on Chandeliers. 

Made FiSiuallers, and Fintners Fine 

For Arbitrary Ale, and Wine. 

But was a kind and constant Friend 

'T^~5Sr ~^ax^R7 guJaf!y~~5SSiS~r~ 

KsKesl3enttary~'Baw3r, 

And Brokers that receive stoll'n Goods ; 

That cheat in Lawful Mysteries, 

And pay Church-duties, and his Fees ; 

But was implacable and auker'd 

To all that Interlop'd, and HawkeT'd. 

To this brave Man, the Knight repairs 

For Counsel, in his Law-Affairs ; 

And found him mounted, in his Pew, 

With Books, and Money plac'd, for shew. 

Like Nest-eggs, to make Clients lay 

And for his false Opinion pay : 

To whom the Knight, with comely Grace, 

Put off his Hat, to put his Case : 

Which he as proudly entertain'd. 

As the other courteously strain'd. 

And to assure him, 'twas not that, 

He look'd for; Bid him put on's Hat. 

Quoth he, there is one Sidrophel 

Whom I have cudgeVd Very well. 

And now he brags, fhave beaten me. 
Better, and better still, quoth he. 
And vows to stick me to a Wall 

Where ire he meets me best of all. 

'Tis true, the Knave has taken's Oath, 

299 



HUDIBRAS 

That I roVd him Well done in troth. 

When V has confest, he stole my Cloak, 
And pick'd my Fob, and what he took. 
Which was the cause, that made me bang him. 

And take my Goods again marry hang him : 

Now whether I should, before hand 

Swear he rob'd me? I understand. 

Or bring my AStion of Conversion 

And Trover for my Goods ? Ah Whorson. 

Or if 'tis better to indite. 

And bring him to his Trial? Right, 

Prevent what he designs to do. 

And swear for th' state against him? True 

Or whether he that is Defendant 

In this Case, has the better end orCt ; 

Who putting in a new cross-bill. 

May traverse tV Aiiion better still. 

Then there's a Lady too. 1 marry, 

That's easily prov'd accessary. 
A Widow, who by solemn Vows, 
Contraiied to me, for my Spouse, 
Combin'd with him to break her word. 

And has abetted all Good Lord, 

Suborn'd the aforesaid Sidrophel, 
To tamper with the Dev'l of Hell. 
Who put rrCinto horrid fear. 

Fear of my Life, Make that appear. 

Made an assault, with Fiends and Men 

Upon my body. Good agen. 

And kept me in a deadly fright 

And false Imprisonment all Night, 

Mean while, they rob'd me, and my Horse, 

And stole my Saddle, worse and worse ; 

And made me mount upon the bare-ridge, 
T' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage: 

Sir, quoth the Lawyer, not to flatter ye. 
You have as Good, and Fair a Battery, 
As heart can wish, and need not shame. 
The proudest Man alive to claim. 



300 



THIRD PART, CANTO III 

For if tV have us'd you, as you say, 
Marry, quoth /, God give you joy, 
I would it were my Case, Vd give. 
More than I'll say, or you'll believe. 
I would so trounce her, and her Purse, 
rid make her kneel for bett'r or worse ; 
For Matrimony, and Hanging_here, 
Bothgojydesitny so~clear, 
T'Saiyou as~Jure,"may~Flck and Choose, 
As Cross I win, and Pile you lose. 
And if I durst, I would advance 
As much, in Ready Maintenance ; 
As upon any Case I've known. 
But we that praSfice dare not own. 
The Law severely contrabands. 
Our taking business off Mens hands ; 
'Tis Common barratry, that bears 
Point blank an ASlion 'gainst our Ears, 
And crops them, till there is not Leather, 
To stick a Pin in, left of either ; 
For which, some do the Summersault 
And ore the Bar, like Tumblers, vault. 
Butyou maj_jwear_at any rate 
Things not in Mature, foF'thl State : 
For 'in ~air Courts ^offusTtcF'Sere 



A TVitness~is~not saia 

Bicfmake Oath, IFai is, in plain terms. 

To forge whatever 'he affirms T~ 

(I thank you, quoth the Knight, for that. 

Because 'tis to my purpose pat ) 

[F'\or "Justice, though she's painted blind. 

Is to the weaker side enclin'd 

Like charity, else right, and wrong. 

Could never hold it out so long. 

And like blind Fortune, with a slight. 

Conveys Mens Interest, and Right, 

From Stile's Pocket, into Nokeses : 

As easily as Hocus Pocus. 

Plays fast and loose, makes Men Obnoxious, 

And clear again, like Hiccius-Doifius. 



HUDIBRAS 

Then whether you would take her life. 

Or but recover her for your Wife : 

Or he content with what she has, 

And let all other matters Pass, 

The Business to the Law's alone, 

The proof is all it look's upon. 

And you can want no Witnesses, 

To swear to any thing you please. , 

That hardly get their meer Expences 

By tV Labor of their Consciences, 

Or letting out to hire, their Ears, 

To Affidavit-Customers : 

At inconsiderable values. 

To serve for fury-men, or Tales, 

Although retatn'd in tV hardest matters. 

Of Trustees, and Administrators : 

For that, quoth he, let me alone, 

W have store of such, and all our own ; 

Bred up and tutor'd, by our Teachers, 

The ablest of Conscience-stretchers. 

That's well! Quoth he, But I should Guess, 

By weighing of Advantages. 

Tour surest way is first to Pitch 

On Bongey, for a Water-witch : 

And when y' have hang'd the Conjurer, 

T' have time enough, to deal with her. 

In th' Intrim ; Spare for no Trepans, 

To draw her Neck, into the Banes : 

Ply her with Love-Letters, and Billets, 

And Bait 'em well, for Quirks, and Quillets 

With Trains f inveigle and surprise. 

Her Heedless Answers, and Reply's : 

And if she miss the Moustrap-Lines, 

They II serve for other By-Designs : 

And make an Artist understand. 

To Copy out her Seal, or Hand : 

Or find void Places in the Paper, 

To steal in something to Intrap her. 

'Till with her worldly Goods, and Body, 

Spight of heart, she has indow'd ye. 



302 



THIRD PART, CANTO III 

Retain all sorts of fVttnesses, 

That ply itV Temples, under trees. 

Or walk the Round, with Knights [o'th'] Posts : 

About the Cross-le^d Knights, their hosts. 

Or wait for Customers, hettveen 

The Piller-Rows in Lincolns-Inn. 

Where Vouchers, Forgers, Common-bayl, 

And Affidavit-men, ne'r fail 

T' expose to Sale, all sorts of Oaths, 

According to their Ears, and Cloaths. 

Their only Necessary Tools, 

Besides the Gospel, and their Souls. 

And when yarefumisVd with all Purveys 

I shall be ready, at your service. 

I would not give, quoth Hudibras, 

A straw to understand a Case, 

Without the admirabler skill 

To Wind, and Manage it at Will : 

To Vere, and Tack, and stear a Cause, 

Against the Weather-gage of Laws ; 

And Ring the Changes upon Cases, 

As plain, as Noses upon Faces. 

As you have well instructed me 

For which you have earrid {here 'tis) your Fee, 

I long to praifice your advice. 

And try the subtle Artifice : 

To bait a Letter, as you hid. 

As not long after, thus he did. 

For having pumfd up all his Wit, 

A\n\d hunCd upon it, thus he Writ. 



303 



HUDIBRAS 



An Heroical Epistle of Hudibras to his Lady 

I Who was once as great as Casar, 
Am now reduc'd to Nebuchadnezar. 
And from as fam'd a Conqueror, 
As ever took degree in War, 
Or did his Exercise in Battel, 
By you turn'd out to Grass with Cattel. 
For since I am deny'd access 
To all my Earthly Happiness. 
Am fallen from the Paradise 
Of your good Graces, and fair Eyes. 
Lost to the World, and you, I'me sent 
To Everlasting Banishment 
Where all the Hopes I had, t' have won 
Tour heart, being dash'd, will break my own. 
Yet if you were not so severe 
To pass your doom, before you hear, 
You'll find, upon my just defence. 
How much y' have wrong'd my Innocence, 
That once I made a Vow to you. 
Which yet is unperform'd ^tis true ; 
But not, because it is unpaid, 
'Tis Violated, though delay" d : 
Or if it were, it is no fault 
So hainous, as you'ld have it thought. 
To undergo the loss of Ears, 
Like vulgar Hackney Perjurers, 
For there's a difference in the case 
Between the Noble, and the Base : 
Who always are observ'd t' have don't. 
Upon as dilFerent an account : 
The one for great, and weighty Cause, 
To salve in Honour ugly Flaws. 
For none are like to do it sooner. 
Than those, who are nicest of their Honour. 
The other, for base Gain, and Pay, 
Forswear, and Perjure, by the Day ; 



AN HEROICAL EPISTLE 

And make th' exposing, and retailing 
Their Souls, and Consciences, a CaJling. 

It is no Scandal, nor Aspersion, 

Upon a Great and ruble Person, 

To say, he Nat'rally abhorr'd 

Th' old fashion'd trick, to keep his Word 

Though 'tis perfidiousness, and shame, 

In meaner Men, to do the same. 

For to be able to Forget, 

Is found more useful, to the Great : 

Then Gout, or Deafness, or bad Eyes, 

To make 'em pass for wondrous wise. 

But though the Law, on Perjurers, 

Infli£)s the Forfeiture of Ears ; 

It is not just, that does exempt 

The Guilty, and punish the innocent. 

To make the Ears repair the wrong, 

Committed by th' ungovern^d Tongue ; 

And when one Member is forsworn. 

Another to be cropt or torn. 

And if you should, as you design, 

By course of Law recover mine. 

You're like, if you consider right. 

To Gain but little Honour by't. 

For he that for his Ladies sake 

Lays down his Life, or Limbs at Stake, 

Does not so much deserve her Favour, 

As he, that pawns his Soul to have her. 

This y'have acknowledg'd I haye_done, 

AIlH"ougH~~you~irow_ 'dtsdairr Jiq qwn± 

But sen tenc^ "what you rather ought 

T' esteem good Service, then a Fault, 

Besides, Oaths are not bmind to bear 

That Lijeral Seme, _the^ words jnfer, 

But by the praftice of the Age, 

Are To be'judg'd how farth engage. 

Aiid'wHereTlTe~sense"By^ Custom's checkt. 

Are found void, and of none effe£t. 

For no Alan takes, or keeps a vow, 



305 



3o6 



HUDIBRAS 

But just as he sees others do, 

Nor are th' obliged to be so brittle, 

As not to yield, and bow a little, 

For as best temper'd Blades are found 

Before they break, to bend quite round, 

So truest Oaths are still most tough. 

And though they how, are breaking proof. 

Then wherefore should they not b'allow'd 

In love a greater Latitude ? 

For as the Law of Arms approves 

All ways to Conquests, so should Loves ; 

And not be ty'd to true or false. 

But make that justest, that prevails. 

For how can that which is above 

All Empire, High and Mighty Love, 

Submit it's great Prerogative, 

To any other power alive ? 

Shall Love, that to no Crown gives place 

Become the subjeft of a Case ? 

The Fundamental Law of Nature, 

Be over-rul'd ! by those made after ? 

Commit the censure of its Cause 

To any, but it's own Great Laws? 

Love, that's the Worlds preservative. 

That keeps all Souls of things alive ? 

Controuls the Mighty pow'r of Fate, 

And gives Mankind a longer date. 

The Life of Nature, that restores. 

As fast [as] Time, and Death devours. 

To whose free gift, the World does ow 

Not only Earth but Heav'n too : 

For Love's the only Trade that's driven 

The Interest of State in Heaven, 

Which nothing but the Soul of Man, 

Is capable to entertain. 

For what can Earth produce, but Love 

To represent the Joys above ? 

Or who, but Lovers, can converse. 

Like Angels, by the Eye Discourse? 



AN HEROICAL EPISTLE 

Address, and complement by vision. 

Make Love, and Court by intuition ? 

And burn in Amorous Flames as fierce, 

As those Celestial Ministers ? 

Then how can any thing offend 

In order, to so great an end? 

Or Heav'n it self a Sin resent, 

That for its own supply was ment ? 

That merits in a kind mistake, 

A Pardon for the offences sake. 

Or if it did not, but the Cause 

Were left to'th injury of Laws, 

What tyranny can disapprove 

There should be Equity in Love ? 

For Laws, that are Inanimate 

And feel no sense of Love, or Hate : 

That have no Passion of their own 

No[r] pity to be wrought upon. 

Are only proper to inflidl 

Revenge, on Criminals, as strict : 

But to have Power to forgive. 

Is Empire, and Prerogative ; 

And 'tis in Crowns, a nobler fern. 

To grant a Pardon, then condemn. 

Then since so few do what they ought, 

Tis great, t'indulge a well meant fault. 

For why should he, who made address 

All humble ways, without success : 

And met with nothing in return. 

But Insolence, Affronts, and Scorn, 

Not strive by Wit to countermine. 

And bravely carry his Design ? 

He who was us'd so unlike a Soldier, 

Blown up with Philters of Love-Powder ? 

And after letting Blood and Purging, 

Condemn'd to voluntary Scourging? 

Alarm'd with many a horrid Fright, 

And claw'd, by Goblins, in the Night? 

Insulted on, Revil'd and Jear'd, 

With rude Invasion of his Beard ? 

U 2 307 



HUDIBRAS 

And when your Sex was foully scandal'd, 

As foully by the Rabble handled ? 

Attack'd by despicable Foes, 

And drub'd with mean and vulgar blows ; 

And after all, to be debarr'd 

So much as standing on his Guard ? 

When Horses being spurr'd and prici'd. 

Have leave to kick, for being kicked? 

Or why should you, whose Mother Wits 

Are furnish'd with all Perquisits ? 

That with your Breeding Teeth begin, 

And Nursing Babies, that Lie in ? 

B' allow'd to put all tricks upon 

Our Cully-Sex, and we use none ? 

We, who have nothing but frail Vows, 

Against your Stratagems t'oppose ? 

Or Oaths, more feeble than your own. 

By which, we are no less put down ? 

You wound, like Parthians, while you fly. 

And kill, with a Retreating Eye; 

Retire the more, the more we press. 

To draw us into Ambushes. 

As Pyrates all false Colours wear, 

T'intrap th'unwary Mariner : 

So Women, to surprize us, spread 

Their borrowed Flags, of White and Red. 

Display 'em thicker on their Cheeks, 

Than their old Grandmothers, the Pi£fs: 

And raise more Devils with their Looks, 

Than Conjurers less subtil Books. 

Lay Trains of Amorous Intriegues, 

In Towrs, and Curls, and Perriwigs. 

With greater Art, and cunning rear'd. 

Than Philip Ny's Thanks-giving-beard, 

Prepost'rously t'intice, and Gain, 

Those to adore 'em they disdain : 

And only draw 'em in, to clog 

With idle Names, a Catalogue. 



308 



AN HEROICAL EPISTLE 

A Lover is, the more he's brave, 
T'his Mistress, but the more a Slave, 
And whatsoever she commands 
Becomes a Favour from her hands ; 
Which he's oblig'd to obey, and must, 
Whether it be unjust, or just. 
Then when he is compell'd by her 
T'Adventures, he would else forbear. 
Who, with his Honour, can withstand. 
Since Force is greater than Command ? 
And when Necessity's obey'd 
Nothing can be unjust or bad : 
And therefore, when the mighty Pow'rs 
Of Love, your great Allie^ and yours ; 
Joyn'd Forces, not to be withstood 
By frail enamoured Flesh and Blood ; 
All I have done unjust or ill 
Was in obedience to your Will : 
And all the blame that can be due 
Falls to your cruelty and you. i 

Nor are those Scandals I confest, 

Against my Will, and Interest, 

More than is daily done of course 

By all men, when th'are under force. 

Whence some, upon the Rack, confess 

What th' Hang-man and their Prompters please. 

But are no sooner out of pain 

Then they deny it all again. 

But when the Devil turns Confessor, 

Truth is a Crime, he takes no pleasure 

To hear, or pardon, like the Founder 

Of Lyars, whom they all claim under. 

And therefore, when I told him none, 

I think it was the wiser done. 

Nor am I without Precedent, 

The first that on th' Adventure, went : 

All Mankind ever did of course. 

And daily does the same, or worse. 

For what Romance can shew a Lover, 



309 



HUDIBRAS 

That had a Lady to recover, 

And did not steer a nearer Course, 

To fall aboard in his Amours ? 

And what at first was held a Crime, 

Has turn'd to Honourable in time. 

To what a height did Infant Rome, 

By Ravishing of Women come ? 

When Men upon their Spouses siez'd. 

And freely Marry'd where they pleas'd : 

They ne'er Forswore themselves nor Lfd, 

Nor in the Minds they were in, Dfd: 

Nor took the pains f address and sue. 

Nor plaid the Masquerade to wooe. 

Disdain'd to stay for Friends Consents, 

Nor juggled about Settlements : 

Did need no License, nor no Priest, 

Nor Friends, nor Kindred to assist ; 

Nor Lawyers, to joyn Land, and Money, 

In th'Holy State of Matrimony : 

Before they setled Hands and Hearts, 

Till Alimony, or Death departs : 

Nor would endure to stay, until 

Th'had got the very Bride's Good Will, 

But took a wise and shorter Course, 

To win the Lady's, Down-right Force. 

And justly made 'em Prisoners then. 

As they have often since, us Men ; 

With ASting Plays, and Dancing Jiggs, 

The luckiest of all Love's Intrigues : 

And when they had them at their pleasure. 

Then talk'd of Love, and Flames, at leisure. 

For, after Matrimony's over. 

He that holds out but Half a Lover, 

Deserves for ev'ry Minute, more 

Than half a Tear of Love before : 

For which the Dames, in Contemplation 

Of that best way of Application, 

Prov'd Nobler Wives than e'er were known. 

By Suit, or Treaty, to be won : 



310 



AN HEROICAL EPISTLE 

And such as all Posterity 

Could never equal, nor come nigh. 

For Women first were made for Men, 
^^oF^MenTorjthem .^^^^^^^^inollows"then, 
That^M en have~S7gfi t "to ever^T^oneT" 
And they no I'reedom oi theirown : 
AH3~tKereTore~KIerr have pow^'r to~cliuse. 
But they no Charter to refuse. 
Hence 'tis apparent, that what Course 
So e'er we take to your Amours, 
Though by the indireftest way, 
'Tis no Injustice, nor Foul Play. 
And that you ought to take that Course 
As we take you, for Betfr or Worse ; 
And gratefully submit to those 
WKoyoiT, beto"re"another, 'diose : 
FoFwhy sh5iil3"^ery Savage Eeast 
Exceed his Threat Lord's Interest ? 
Have freer Pow'r, than he, in Grace, 
Jnd Nature, o'er the Creature has ? 
Because the Laws he since has made 
Have^ut ofF all the Pow'r he had ; 
Retrench'd the absolute Dominion, 
That Nature^gave him, over Women. 
When all his Pow'r will not extend, 
One Law of Nature to suspend : 
And but to offer to repeal 
The smallest Clause, is to rebel. 
This, if Men rightly understood 
Their Privilege, they would make good ; 
And not, like Sots, permit their Wives 
T'encroach on their Prerogatives. 
For which Sin, they deserve^to_ be 
Kept, as they are, in Slavery. 
And this, some precious TQifted Teachers 
Unrev'rently reputed Leachers ; 
And disobey'd in making Love, 
Have vow'd to all the World, to prove 



HUDIBRAS 

And make ye suffer, as ye ought, 
For that uncharitable Fault. 

But, I forget my self, and rove 
Beyond th'Instrud:ions of my Love. 
Forgive me (Fair) and only blame 
Th'extravagancy of my Flame, 
Since 'tis too much, at once to shew 
Excess of Love, and Temper too. 
All I have said that's had, and true. 
Was never ineant to aim at you ; 
Who have so Sov'rain a Controul 
O'er that poor Slave of yours, my Soul: 
That, rather than to forfeit you, 
Has ventur'd loss of Heaven too. 
Both with an equal Pow'r possest, 
To render all that serve you blest: 
But none like him, who's destin'd, either 
To have, or lose you, both together. 
And if you'l but this fault release, 
(For so it must be, since you please,) 
I'll pay down all that Vow, and more. 
Which you commanded, and I swore. 
And expiate upon my Skin, 
The Arrears in full of all my 'Sin. 
For, 'tis but just, that I should pay 
Th'accruing Penance for Delay. 
Which shall be done, until it move 
Your equal pity, and your Love. 

The Knight, perusing this Epistle, 

Believ'd h'had brought her to his TVhistle ; 

And read it, like a jocund Lover, 

With great Applause t'himself, twice over ; 

Subscrib'd his Name, but at a Fit, 

And humble distance, to his wit: 

And dated it with wondrous Art, 

Giv'n from the bottom of his heart : 

Then seal'd it with his Coat of Love 

A smoaking Faggot and above 



312 



AN HEROICAL EPISTLE 

Upon a Scroll / burn, and weep. 

And near it For her Ladyship ; 

Of all her Sex, most excellent, 
These to her gentle Hands present. 
Then gave it to his Faithful Squire, 
With Lessons how t'observe and eye her. 

She first consider'd which was better, 

To send it back, or burn the Letter: 

But, guessing that it might import. 

Though nothing else, at least, her Sport. 

She open'd it, and read it out, 

With many a smile, and learing Flout : 

Resolv'd to answer it in kind. 

And thus perform'd what she design'd. 



3'3 



HUDIBRAS 

THE 
LADY'S ANSWER 

TO THE 

KNIGHT. 

THat you'r a Beast^ and turn'd to Grass, 
Is no strange News, nor ever was ; 
At least, to me, who once, you know, 
Did from the Pound, Replevin you. 
When both your Sword, and Spurs, were won 
In Combat, by an Amazon ; 
That Sword, that did (like Fate) determine 
Th'Inevitable Death of Vermine : 
And never dealt its furious blows, 
But cut the Threds of Pigs and Cows; 
By Trulla was, in single Fight, 
Disarm'd and wrested from its Knight. 
Your Heels Degraded of your Spurs, 
And in the Stocks, close Prisoners. 
Where still th'had Layn in base Restraint, 
If I, in pity of your Complaint, 
Had not on Honourable Conditions, 
Releast 'em from the worst of Prisons ; 
And what Return that favour met, 
You cannot (though you would) forget ; 
When being free, you strove t'evade 
The Oaths you had in Prison made : 
Forswore your self, and first deny'd it ; 
But after own'd, and justify'd it : 
And when y'had falsely broke one Vow, 
Absolv'd your self by breaking two. 
For while you sneakingly submit, 
And beg for Pardon at our Feet : 

3H 



THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT 

Discourag'd by your guilty Fears, 
To hope for Quarter, for your Ears. 
And doubting 'twas in vain to sue, 
You claim us boldly as your due. 
Declare that Treachery and Force 
To deal with us is th'only Course. 
Who have no Title nor Pretence, 
To Body, Soul or Conscience : 
But ought to fall to that Man's share, 
That claims us for his proper Ware. 
These are the ^lotiveSj^ which^ t'induce, 
OnngHt~uFTntoTrove^"you use, 
A pretty new way of^^TIanHng, 
Between'~SoiMJing~Sii~SMnting ; 
LTlce~stur3y~Beggars7 that'Tntreat 
For CBartty'zt once, and tlifmt. 
But smce~ybu undertake to prove 
Your own Propriety in Love, 
As if we were but Lawful Prize 
In War, between two Enemies ; 
Or Forfeitures, which ev'ry Lover 
That would but sue for, might recover, 
It is not hard to understand 
The Myst'ry of this Bold Demand : 
That cannot at our Persons aim. 
But something capable of Claim. 

'Tis not those poultry counterfeit 
French Stones, which in our Eyes you set : 
But our Right Diamonds, that inspire. 
And set your Amorous Hearts on fire. 
Nor can those false St. Martins Beads, 
Which on our Lips you lay for Reds ; 
And make us wear, like Indian Dames, 
Add Fewel to your Scorching Flames. 
But those true Rubies of the Rock, 
Which, in our Cabinets we lock. 

'Tis not those Orient Pearls, our Teeth, 
That you are so transported with : 
But those we wear about our Necks, 
Produce those Amorous Effedls. 

315 



HUDIBRAS 

Nor is't those Threads of Gold, our Hair, 
The Periwigs you make us wear : 
But those bright Guinneys in our Chests, 
That light the Wild Fire in your Breasts. 
These Love- tricks I've been vers'd in so. 
That all their sly Intrigues I know. 
And can unriddle, by their Tones, 
Their Mystick Cabals, and Jargones. 
Can tell what Passions, by their Sounds, 
Pine for the Beauties of my Grounds: 
What Raptures fond, and Amorous 
O'th' Charms and Graces of my House. 
What Exstacy, and Scorching Flame 
Burns for my Mony, in my Name. 
What from th'unnatural desire 
To Beasts and Cattel, take[s] its fire. 
What tender Sigh, and trickling Tear, 
Longs for a thousand Pound a Tear. 
And Languishing Transports are fond 
Of Statute, Mortgage, Bill and Bond. 

These are th'Attrafts which most Men fall 
Inamour'd, at first sight, withal. 
To these th'address with Serenades, 
And Court with Balls and Masquerades ; 
And yet, for all the yearning Pain 
Y'have sufFer'd for their Loves, in vain : 
I fear they'l prove so nice and coy, 
To have and t'hold, and to enjoy ; 
That all your Oaths, and Labour lost, 
They'l ne'er turn Ladies of the Post. 
This is not meant to disapprove 
Your Judgment in your Choice of Love ; 
Which is so wise, the greatest part 
Of Mankind study't as an Art. 
For Love should, like a Deodand, 
Still fall to tW owner of the Land : 
And where there's Substance, for its Ground 
Cannot but be more firm, and sound, 
Than that which has the slighter Basis 
Of Airy Vertue, Wit and Graces: 



316 



THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT 

Which is of such thin Subtilty, 
It steals and creeps in at the Eye. 
And, as it can't endure to stay, 
Steals out again as nice a way. 

BijtLov£jthat_its_Extra(Slion owns 
From solidGaM, and precious Stones ; 
M^t^TTKejts^^anmgTParents prove 
As Solid, and as Glorious Love. 
Hence^tis, yoiiTiave no way t'express 
Our Charms and Graces, but by these : 
For, what are Lips, and Eyes, and Teeth, 
Which Beauty invades, a[n]d conquers with ? 
But Rubies, Pearls and Diamonds ; 
With which a Philter Love commands ? 

This is the way all Parents prove. 
In imagining their Children's Love ; 
That force 'em t' inter-marry and wed. 
As if th'were Bur'ing of the Dead. 
Cast Earth to Earth, as in the Grave, 
To joyn in Wedlock all they have. 
And when the Settlement's in force. 
Take all the rest. For Better, or Worse ; 
Ij or M oney has a Power above 
The Stars and' Fate, to manage Love: 
Whose Arrows^ Learned "Poets'Tiold, 
That never miss, are tipfd with Gold. 
And though some say, the Parents claims 
To make Love in their Children's Names. 
Who, many times, at once, provide 
The Nurse, the Husband, and the Bride. 
Feel Darts and Charms, Attracts and Flames ; 
And woo, and contrail, in their Names, 
And as they Christen, use to marry 'em. 
And, like their Gossips, answer for 'em : 
Is not to give in Matrimony ; 
B\u']t sell and prostitute for Mony. 
'Tis better than their own Betrothing j 
Who often do't for worse than nothing. 
And when th'are at their own Dispose, 
With greater disadvantage chuse. 

317 



HUDIBRAS 

All this is rig ht! But for the Course 

You J alce" to d o^t, by~ l'"raud, or If'orce : 

'I'ls lo nHiculous, as soon 

As told, 'tis never to be done. 

No more than Setters can betray^ 

That tell what Tricks they are to play. 

Marriage^ at best, is but a Vow ; 

Which all Men either break, or bow : 

Then what will those forbear to do, 

Who perjure, when they do but woof 

Such as, beforehand, swear and lye. 

For Earnest to their Treachery: 

And, rather than a Crime confess, 

With greater, strive to make it less. 

Like Thieves, who, after Sentence past. 

Maintain their Innocence to the last. 

And when their Crimes were made appear 

As plain as Witnesses can swear. 

Yet, when the Wretches come to dye. 

Will take upon their Deaths a Lye. 

Nor are the Vertues, you confest 

T'your Ghostly Father, as you guest. 

So slight, as to be justifi'd, 

By being, as shamefully, deny'd. 

As if you thought your Word would pass 

Point-blank, on both sides, of a Case, 

Or Credit were not to be lost, 

B'a Brave Knight Errant of the Post. 

That eats, perfidiously, his Word, 

jAnd swears his Ears through a two Inch Board 

Can own the same thing, and disown ; 

And perjure Booty, Pro and Con. 

Can make the Gospel serve his turn. 

And help him out to be forsworn ; 

When 'tis laid hands upon, and kissed. 

To be betrayed, and sold, like Christ. 

These are the Vertues, in whose Name, 
A Right to all the World you claim : 
And boldly challenge a Dominion, 
In Grace and Nature, o'er all Women. 



318 



THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT 

Of whom, no less will satisfie, 
Than all the Sex, your Tyranny. 
Although you'll find it a hard Province, 
With all your crafty Frauds and Covins, 
To govern such a numerous Crew, 
Who, one by one, now govern you : 
For if you all were Solomons, 
And Wise and Great as he was once, 
You'll find Th'are able to subdue, 
{As they did him) and baffle you. 

And if you are impos'd upon, 
'Tis by your own Temptation done : 
That with your Ignorance invite, 
And teach us how to use the slight. 
For, when we find y'are still more taken 
With false AttraSis of our own making ; 
Swear that's a Rose, and that a Stone, 
Like Sots to us that laid it on : 
And what we did but slightly prime, 
Most ignorantly daub in Rhime : 
You force us in our own Defences, 
To copy Beams and Influences ; 
To lay PerfeSiions on the Graces, 
And draw AttraSis upon our Faces : 
And, in compliance to your Wit, 
Your own faJse Jewels counterfeit. 
For, by the practice of those Arts, 
We gain a greater share of Hearts : 
And those deserve in reason most, 
That greatest pains and study cost ; 
For, great Perfections are like Heav'n, 
Too rich a Present to be given. 
Nor are those Master-strokes of Beauty 
To be perform'd without hard Duty. 
Which, when th'are nobly done, and well. 
The simple Natural excel. 

How fair and sweet the Planted Rose, 
Beyond the Wild in Hedges grows ? 
For, without Art, the Noblest Seeds 
Of Flow'rs degenerate to Weeds : 

319 



HUDlBKAb 

How dull and rugged e'er 'tis Ground, 

And Polish'd, looks a Diamond ? 

Though Paradise was e'er so fair, 

It was not kept so without Care. 

The whole World, without ^rt and Dress, 

Would be but one great Wilderness. 

And Mankind but a Savage Heard, 

For all that Nature has conferr'd. 

This does but Rough-hew, and Design, 

Leave jirt to Polish, and Refine. 

Though Women first were made for Meii, 
Yet Men were made for them agen : 
For when (out-witted by his Wife), 
Man first turn'd Tenant, but, for Life, 
If Women had not interven'd. 
How soon had Mankind had an end ? 
And that it is in Being yet. 
To us alone, you are in Debt, 
Then where's your liberty of Choice, 
And our unnatural No-voice ? 
Since all the Privilege you boast, 
And falsly usurp'd, or vaJhlylost, 
Is now oiir Right j^t^ whose 'Creation, 
You owe your Happy Restoration. 
And if we had not weighty Cause 
To" not appear in making Laws^ 
We could, in spight of all your Tricks, 
And Shallow, Formal Politicks ; 
P'orce you, our Managements t'obey, 
As we to yours (in shew) give way. 
Hence 'tis, that while you vainly strive 
T'advance your high Prerogative, 
You basely, after all your Braves, 
Submit, and own your selves our Slaves. 
And 'cause we do not make it known, 
Nor publickly our Int'rests own ; 
Like Sots, suppose we have no shares 
In ordering you, and your Affairs: 
When all your Empire and Command 
You have from us at Second Hand, 



320 



THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT 

As if a Pilot, that appears 
To sit still only, while he steers : 
And does not make a noise and stir, 
Like every common Mariner: 
Knew nothing of the Card, nor Star; 
And did not guide the Man of War. 
Nor we, because we don't appear 
In CoSnctls, do hot govern there. 
VTlile like the Mghty Pr ester "yhhn. 
Whose Person none dares look upon ; 
But is preserv'd in Close Disgiaie 
From being made cheap to vulgar Eyes. 
W'enjoy as ^rge a Po'w'r unseen, 
'VSr^verir him, zs "^ does ^MST: 
Andj in tEe Right of'our'Tojft^' jFoan, 
Make Emperors at ouf7teet 'SITJown. 
Or ^oan the PucePs braver Name, 
Our Right to Arms and ConduM claim. 
Who, though a Spinster, yet was able. 
To serve France for a Grand Constable. 

We make and execute all Lav/s ; 
Can pidge the Judges, and the Cause. 
Prescribe all Rules of Right or Wrong, 
To th^Long Robe, and the Longer Tongue: 
'Gainst which the World has no Defence, 
But our more paw'rful Eloquence. 
We manage things of greatest weight 
In all the World's Affairs of State. 
Are Ministers of War and Peace, 
That sway all Nations how they please. 
We rule all Churches, and their Flocks, 
Heretical, and Orthodox. 
And are the Heavenly Vehicles 
O'th' Spirit, in all Conventicles. 
By us is all Commerce and Trade 
Improved, and Manag'd, and Decayed. 
F or, nothi ng can go offsq well. 
Nor bea ii jffiat Price, as •what nue s ell 
We rule m &i rj' Puhlick Meeting, 
And make Men do what we judge fitting. 

X 321 



HUDIBRAS 

Are Magistrates in all great Towns ; 

Where Men do nothing, but wear Gowns. 

We make the Man of War strike Sail, 

And to our braver Conduit vail. 

And, when h'has chac'd his Enemies, 

Submit to us upon his Knees. 

Is there an Officer of State, 

Untimely rats' d; or Magistrate, 

That's Haughty, and Imperious F 

He's but a Journy-man to us. 

That, as he gives us cause to do't, 

Can keep him in, or turn him out. 

We are your Guardians, that increase. 

Or Waste your Fortunes, how we please. 

And, as you humour us, can deal 

In all your Matters, /// or well. 
'Tis we t hat c an d ispos e alone, 

WhetHer^your ii«?TMaH~Eie your ovj xl. 

To'~^ ose Integ rity you rnujL. 

In spight o f all your Caution, trusty. 

An3'^ess~"you fly beyondTth e Seas^ 

Can fit you with what Heirs we please : 

And force you t'own 'em, though begotten 

By French Valets, or Irish Foot-men. 

Nor can the rigorousest Course 

Prevail, unless to make us worse. 

Who, still the harsher we are us'd, 

Are fiirther off from being reduc'd : 

And scorn t'abate, for any Ills, 

The least PunSiilio of our Wills. 

Force does but whet pur Wits to apply 

Arts, born with us, for Remedy : 

WKicIT air your Politicks, as yet. 

Have ne'er been able to defeat. 

For, when y'have try'd all sorts of ways. 

What Fools d^we make of you in Plays ? 

While all the Favours we afford 

Are but to girt you with the Sword, 

To fight our Battels in our steads. 

And have your Brains heat out o'your Heads 



32a 



THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT 

Encounter in despight of Nature ; 

And fight at once with Fire and Water, 

With Pyrates, Rocks, and Storms, and Seas, 

Our Pride and Vanity f appease. 

Kill one another, and cut T^hroats, 

For our good Graces, and best Thoughts ; 

To do your Exercise for Honour, 

And have your Brains heat out the sooner ; 

Or crack'd, as Learnedly, upon 

Things that are never to he known : 

And still appear the more industrious. 

The more your ProjeSis are prepostrous. 

To square the Circle of the Arts ; 

And run stark mad to shew your Parts. 

Expound the Oracle of Laws, 

And turn them which way we see Cause. 

Be our Solicitors, and Agents, 

And stand for us in all Engagements. 

And these are all the Mighty Powers, 

You vainly boast, to cry down ours. 

And what in real Value's wanting, 

Supply with Vapouring and Ranting : 

Because your selves are terrify'd, 

And stoop to one another's Pride : 

Believe we have as little Wit 

To be Out-hei.tor' d, and Submit: 

By your Example, lose that Right 

In Treaties, which we gain'd in 

And terrify'd into an" Awe, 

Pss ' on our selves a SaTick Law, 

Or, "as some" Nations 'use,' give place, 

And truckle to your Mighty Race. 

Let Men usurp th'unjust Dominion, 

As if they were the better Women. 



FINIS. 



X2 323 



READINGS OF THE FIRST AUTHORISED 
EDITION. 



p. 3, 1. II. civil Dudgeon first. 1. 24. rode Colonelling. 

p. 4, 1. 3. never bovsr'd his. 

I. 23. For't has been held by many, that 

As Mountaigne, etc. 
U. 27-8. Not in 1st Edn. 
p. 5, 11. 9-10. And truly so he vyas perhaps, 

Not as a Proselyte, but for Claps. 

II. 35-6. Not in 1st Edn. 

1. 37. But when he pleas'd to shew't, his speech 
In loftiness, etc. 
p. 6, 11. 23-6. Not in 1st Edn. 11. 37-8. Not in ist Edn. 

p. 7, 11. 13-4. Not in 1st Edn. 

I. 15. He'd tell where Entity and Qiiiddity, 

II. 23-6. A second Thomas, or, at once 

To nanae them all, another Dunce. 
For he a Rope of sand could twist, 
As tough as learned Sorbonist; 
p. 8, 11. 3-4. Not in 1st Edn. 
p. 9, 11. 4-5. Not in 1st Edn. 
p. 10, 1. 8. was monastick, and. 
p. II, 11. 33-8. Not in 1st Edn. 
p. 12, 11. 1-2. Not in 1st Edn. 
p. 13, 1. 6. Of Warrants, Exigents. 

11. 30-1. The 1st Edn. adds between these lines; 
These would inveigle Rats with th' sent, 
To forrage when the Cocks were bent. 
And sometimes catch 'em with a snap 
As cleverly as th' ablest trap. 
p. 14, 1. 12. hold on tail. 



325 



p- 


IS, 


1. 


ij- 


p- 


i8, 


1. 


31. 


p- 


19, 


1. 


33- 


p- 


20, 


1. 


4- 


p- 


22, 


1. 


34. 


p- 


23, 


1. 


9- 






1. 


18. 


p- 


24, 


1. 


6. 



READINGS OF THE 

more stately tone. 1. 38. it Gifts, and. 

thimble or a. 

which anon we mean to. 1. 39. talking to Familiar, 
thus we do accost. 

our own selves, without cause. 
Nor for free Liberty of Conscience. 

made internecine war. 
to me. 
after 1. 34 add (Tussis pro crepitu, an Art 

Under a Cough to slur a Fart) 

p. 25, 11. 16-7. Thou wilt at best but suck a Bull, 

Or shear Stuine, All Cry, and no IVooll. 
1. 25. Compr'hend them inclusive both. 

I. 27. As likely pass. 

p. 26, 1. 4. Ware slurr'd and. 1. 20. need not copy. 

p. 27, 1. 3. as yerst the. 

p. 28, 11. 2-5 of the Argument. 

Of tW Enemy'' s best men of War; 

To ivhom the Knight does make a speech. 

And they defie him: after nuhich 

He fights twith Talgol, routs the Bear, 

p. 30, 11. 14-5. Who now began to draw in field. 

As Knight from ridge of Steed beheld. 

I. 19. From off his. 1. 20. Yet not. 

II. 22-3. Wherefore he bids the Squire ride further, 
T' observe their numbers, and their order. 

II. 30-1. Courage and Steel, both of great force, 
Prepar'd for better or for worse. 

To free Sword. 

From rusty Durance he bayl'd Tuck. 

Arms sate loose. 

. Rnlpho rode on with no less speed, 
Then Hugo in the Forrest did; 
But with a great deal more retum'd. 
For now the Foe he had discern'd. 
the Knot of Noose. 
Next foUow'd Orsin. 
11. 24-5. He knew when to fall on pell-mell, 
To fall back and retreat as well. 

P- 33, !• ^7- ^6 th' undoubted President. 

p. 34, 1. 13. Wounds nine miles. 1. 25. the Breech that. 

326 







1. 


35- 






1. 
1. 


37- 
39- 


p- 


31, 


11. 


4-7 






1. 


21. 


p- 


32> 


1. 


12. 



FIRST AUTHORISED EDITION 

p. 35, 11. 15-7. Did stew their meat between their Bums 

And th' Horses backs o're which they straddle, 
And every man eat up his Saddle. 

p. 36, 1. 13. many Fatherless. 

p. 38, 11. 16-9. Not in ist Edn. 

p. 40, 1. 8. had a harder. 1. 36. several Countries round. 

p. 42, 1. 4. by either House. 1. 27. " Cry'd out. 

p. 43, 1. 19. Calves or Steers. 

p. 44, 11. 36-9. For to transcribe a Church invisible, 

As we have sworn to doe, it is « bull. 

p. 45, U. 1-4. For when we swore to do it after 
The best-reformed Churches that are. 

p. 46, 1. 14. Is lam'd and tir'd in halting hither. 

p. 47, 1. 13. Keep it self in lodging. 1. 26. all the Pride. 

1. 32. Turn Death of Nature to thy work. 

p. 48, 1. 20. he should ne're. 

I. 25. Stand stiff as 'twere transform'd to stock. 
1. 27. Truncheon smote at Knight. 

II. 28-9. But he with Petronel up-heav'd, 

Instead of shield, the blow receiv'd. 
1. 38. his rugged Sword. 
1. 39. With stomack huge he laid about, 
p. 49, 11. 26-7. But now fierce Colon 'gan draw on, 
To aid the distrest Champion. 
A dismal Combat 'twixt them two. 
Metal, th' other Wood. 

Not in 1st Edn. 1. 5. underneath the Tail. 

Of Steed, with pricks as sharp as nail. 
And feel regret on Fundament. 1. 11. from Thistle. 
That gall'd him sorely under his tail, 
the Knight's Steed such a. 

As made him reel. 1. 22. catching foe by. 

him thrice his. 

He strove t' escape pursuit of Knight. 
Urine, cast in sownd. 1. 6. And listing it. 

up, to fall on Knight. 1. 11. and skin upon, 

beheld pernicion. 

Approaching Knight from fell Musician. 
The Skin encounter' d. 
blow on side and arm. 
Knight entraunc'd fro harm. 





1. 29- 




1. 30. 


p- 


so, 11. 3-4. 




1. 6. 




1. 8. 




1. 12. 




1. 16. 




1. 17. 




1. 24. 


p- 


51, 1. 18. 


p- 


52, 1- 3- 




1. 7. 




1. 18. 




1. 19. 




1.27. 




1. 30. 




1. 31. 



READINGS OF THE . 

p. 52, 1. 36. Squire right, 1. 37. setting conquering foot 

p. 55, 1. 2. A Nothingness in. 
p. 57, 1. 8. Leaning on shoulder. 

1. aa. Chain, or Bolt, or Grate, 
p. 59, 1. ai. as suer as. 
p. 60, 1. I. Thinking h' had. 1. zi. heart of grace, and 

1. 23. For by this time, the routed Bear. 
p. 61, 1. 35. and slav'd it. 
p. 63, 1. 4. Until the Mastives. 
p. 65, 1. 17. with his bones, 
p. 66, 1. 9. O' th' Rascals, but loss of my Bear. 

1. 29. of the old. 
p. 67, 11. 27-8. As now he did, and aiming right. 

An Arrow he let flie at Knight. 
p. 68, 1. 34. bore, until the. 
p. 69, 1. 14. Quoth he. 

p. 70, 1. 39. Which they thought best to sally at. 
p. 71, 1. 27 by turns those. 
p. 72, 1. 40. his whiniard, and. 
p. 73, 11. 22-4. As Ralpho might; but he with care. 

1. 25. his hurt forbare. 

1. 28. For he with Cerdon b'ing engag'd. 

1. 29. encounter, they both. 

1. 30. The fight so well, 'twas hard to say. 

1. 35. When the disaster. 

I. 37. Their fell intent, and forc'd them part, 
p. 74, 1. 19. Of Hudibras. 

p. 75, 11. 7-8. Not in 1st Edn. 1. 10. his bonny Steed. 

II. 15-6. As a man may say, with might and main 

He hasted to get up again. 
1. 24. Whom Orsin. 
p. 79, 1. 20. Which in all feats. 
p. 80, 1. 23. more wore thy. 
p. 81, 11. 22-31. 

Shall I have quarter now ? you Ruffin ; 

Or wilt thou be worse then thy huffing.' 

Thou saidst th' woud'st kill me, marry would'st thou : 

Why dost thou not, thou Jack-a-Nods thou? 

p. 83, 1. 30. make that quarter, 
p. 84, 1. 34. 'gainst the Fort. 



328 



FIRST AUTHORISED EDITION 

p. 8s, 1. I. that built the. 1. 14. them in Hackly f th' hole. 

p. 86, 1. 15. for time to. 

I. 19. that is in Battel slain. 1. 38. not draw, 
p. 87, 1. 6. That Cuckow's tone. 

p. 88, 1. 15. this later Age. 1. 31. mulcts on Sin. 

p. 89, 1. 19. make their spiritual. 
p. 91, 1. 1. And Bishop-secular, 
p. 105, 11. i-z of the Argument. 

the Knight., by Damnable Magician, 
Being cast illegally in Prison:, 
\. $ of the Argument, he revi's the. 

II. 2-5 of Canto I. Let bloody Steel a while be sheathed 

And unto Love turn we our style, 
11. 6-7. The 1st Edn. adds betnveen these tivo lines: 
By this time tyr'd with th' horrid sounds 
Of blows, and cutts, and bloud, and wounds : 
1. 10. That a mans fancy should 
p. 106, 1. 19. We whilom left. 

1. 35. The Errata in the 1st Edn. states that your should be read 
here, but the correSion 'was not made later. 
p. 107, 1. 24. This twatling Gossip. 

11. 38-9. That is, to see him deliver'd safe 

Of's wooden burthen, and Squire Raph; 
p. 108, 1. 21. their dreadfulst shapes. 
p. 109, 1. 9. Discoursing thus upon his Beard. 

1. 31. such elenftique case, 
p. Ill, 11. 28-9. To his good Grace, for some offence. 
Forfeit before, and pardond since: 

I. ii- the Princely blows. 
p. 114, 1. 20. Transform'd his. 
p. 117, 1. 8. Knight Errant. 

p. 118, 1. 9. or douce in. The Errata in the ist Edn. states that 
dive should be read here. It ivas altered later to 
plunge. 

II. 20-5. Not in 1st Edn. 

p. 120, 1. 21. No more, then on the thing they lean. 

I. 40. Not in 1st Edn. 
p. 121, 11. 1-3. Not in 1st Edn. 
p. 122, 1. 2. your gentler Fate. 

p. 123, 1. 4. y' were sold. 1. 11. all the Pro-vender. 

p. 124, 1. 8. never shall be. 

329 



READINGS OF THE 

p. 124, 1. 10. The Errata in the 1st Edn. states that Nature should be 
read here, but the corre{Hon ivas not made later. 

p. 126, 11. 18-9. I here engage my self to loose yee, 

And free your heels from Caperdeiusie. 

p. 127, 1. 35. with Legislative blows. 

p. 128, 1. 7. The Errata in the jst Edn. states that Squirer should be 
read here, but it ivas not altered later. 
11. 16-9. And in the Lanthorn of the Night 

With shining Horns, hung out her light: 
p. 130, 1. 18. to rub his. I. 37. He scratch'd it first, and. 

p. 131, 1. 6. a tittle, may. 
P- 134, 1- 33- But meer. 

p. 137, 1. 29. The Errata in the ist Edn. states that just should be 
read here, but it ivas not altered later. 

p. 138, 1. 35. folly blab it. 

p. 141, 1. 7. The Errata in the 1st Edn. states that firk should be read 
here, but it luas not altered later. 

p. 142, 1. 34. Capoch'd your. 

p. 143, 11. 6-7. Not in 1st Edn. 

p. 144, 1. 10. They might discern respective noyse. 

1. 34. blew as strong. 11. 36-7 Not in 1st Edn. 

I. 38. Next, Pan, and. 
p. 14s, 1. s- With snuffling, 
p. 146, 1. 12. he that made. 

II. 13-5. Or Ross, or Calius Rodogine, 
p. 148, 1. 38. Women, that were 

p. 149, 1. 22. or left what undone. 1. 30. Falne to. 

p. 151, 1. II. Retreat, to avoyd Pursuit. 

11. 22-7. Not in 1st Edn. 

p. 152, 1. 3. of the .Argument. To Sidrophel. 

1. 27. as Lawyers in. 

P' ^SSi '• 9- ^un after JVisards. 

p. 155, 1. 22. And Chicken languish, 

p. 156, 1. 4. A Ledger to. 

p. 158, 1. 8. and Bob Grosted. 

p. 160, 1. 2j. Of those, 

p. 161, 1. 9. not vent, find. 

p. 163, 1. 20. be the Cannon-Bail. 1. 40. makes he there, 

p. 166, 1. IS. and knew. 1. 16. you spake, your, 

p. 170, 1. 9. there not myriads. 



3:50 



FIRST AUTHORISED EDITION 



p- 171, 
p- 174, 



p- 17s 



p. 181, 

p- 197. 
p. 198, 

P- 2«)3, 

207, 
214, 

240, 

246, 
P- 247. 
p- 252, 
25s 
259. 

262, 

26s, 

272, 

p. 278, 
p- 285, 
296, 

300, 
301. 
30Z. 



L 9. alas, is it to. 

IL 27-33. About the Suns and Earths approach; 

And swore, that he, that dar'd to broach 
Such paultry Fopperies abroad, 

L 38. He knew no more then th' Pope of Rome. 

IL 5-7. Some say, The Stars ith' Zodiaek, 

Are more then a whole Signe gone back, 
Since Ptolomy; and prove the same, 

L 8. now, then in. 

L 26. rev'rend Persons to. 

1. 16. Strings t' his Botv. 

L 3j. us'd as only Antick. 

1. 2 J. and Seals. 

1. 2. their Prices Three. 



L 30. 
L 30. 



L 9. V« ere so. 

1. I. That were. 

1. 37. of th' Excise. 

L 22. That is to. 

L 24. Who, taking. ]. 

1. 7. Dependence upon. 

L 13. 'twas ours and. 

1. 21. out-loiter. 

L 10. of his Soul. 

L 17. less ingenuous in. 

L 10. and Broil us. 

1. 19. she convoy'd him, 

1. 8. in Lavi. 1. 17 

L 26. into a horrid. 

L 16. business of Mens. 

1. 20. of all Conscience. 

L 22. weighing all Advantages, 

1. 40. of her heart, 

p. 313, 1. 5. his Faithless Squire, 

p. 319, L 6. now governs you. 

1. 23. on and Graces. 

p. 320, 1. 9. That does, 

p. 321, 1. 29. Ministers in War. 

1. 30. how we please. 

p. 323, L 17. To be our. 



the Goose they, 
the iiuon~cry. 



As 'twas. 



1. 26. as Out of fashioned. 



Reduce her to. 



Pen 



L 15. still most taken. 



33' 



ERRATA. 

The following misprints in the texts printed from have 
been noted : 

p. 3, 1. 17. swear /or sweaa The correiHon is noted in some copies 
of the 1678 Edn. 1. 18. knew /or know. Also 

correSled in some 1678 copies. 
vent for vent. 
Below for Bolow it. for it 

Shoulders /or Soulders 1. 15. With /or Whith 

1. 18. meat. /or meat, ^ 
further for fruther 

cost for costs 1. 17. Needle /or Neele 1. 29. in 
(as in 1st Edn.) for and 1. 40. rehearse for 

reherse CorreSied in some 1678 copies. 
descry'd for descr'yd 
makes /or make 

Isthmian /)r Istmian 1. 28. other /or others 

Authority, for Authority. - / 

Antichristiaii for Antichristiam 1. 17. Provincial, 

for Provincial 
less, for less. 

Lists he led (as in 1st Edn.) for Lists led 
which so oft (as in 1st Edn.) for which has so oft 
1. 3a. ever (as in 1st Edn.) for never 
P- 34, !• 5- Lampoons, for Lampoons) 1. 8. From him his 

(as in ist Edn.) for From his 1. 13. solder, 

for solder 1. 21. Piss, for Piss. 

P- 35, !• 7- Target /or Tarket 1. 8. langued /or languid 

1. 13. with. _/or with, 1. 15. Muscovite /or 

Mascovite 1. i$. is, for is 

p. 36, 1. 3. blood: /or blood 1. 6. hs for he, 1. 13. made. 
for made 



p- 
p- 
p- 


6, 1. 13. 
8, 1. 4. 
II, 1. 4. 


p- 
p- 


14, 1. 15. 
16, 1. 13. 


p- 


18, 1. 2. 


p- 
p- 
p- 


19, 1- 13. 

21, 1. 5. 

22, 1. 2. 


p- 


24, 1. 7. 


p- 
p- 
p- 


25, 1. 28. 

32, 1. 18. 

33, 1- 28. 



P- 37. 1 


. 8. 


P- 38, 


. 13. 


p. 40, 1 


• 3»- 


p. 41, 


. 36. 


p. 42, 


. 14. 


P- 45. 


• ^9- 


p. 46, 1 


. a. 


P- 47, 1 


. 12. 


P- 49, 


. 10. 


P- 52, 


. i. 


P- S3, 


. 20. 


P- 57, 


• 3J- 


P- 58, 


. 19. 


P- 59, 


. 4. 


p. 61, 1 


. 18. 


p. 62, 1 


. 12. 


p. 63, 


. iS- 


p. 64, 


. 12. 


P- 65, 


1- J. 


p. 68, 


• 37- 


p. 69, 1 


• ^1- 


P- 73, 


. 36. 


P- 74, 


. 38. 


P- 77, 


. X. 


P- 79, 


. 6. 


p. 80, 


• 19- 


p. 82, 


. 30. 


P- 83, 


■ 17. 


P- 85, 


. 38. 


p. 86, 


1. I. 


p. 87, 


. 8. 


p. 89, 


\. 20. 


p. 92, 


1. 28. 


p. 93, 


. 38. 


P- 97, 


. J. 


P- 99, 


. 18. 



ERRATA 

Arms /or Ams 

to for too 

head for head. 

out, for out. 

settle /or settle, 1. 18. women /of* woman 

chief /or chief, 1. 39. I'll for i'U 

word. /or word; 1. 12. O 'thy /or O'th thy 

Skull for Sknll 1. 20. times he smote (as in 

jst Edn.) for times smote 

engag'd, for engag'd. 
fall, /,r fall 1. 12. Detriment /or Detriment. 

fly /or fly. 1. 32. Viftory. The /or Viftory, the 

there for their 

Delinquent for DeUquent 
the for she 

he for be 

trip for tript 1. 25. attempt for artempt 

wanting for wonting 

foes, for foes 1. 30. ruin ? for ruin, 1. 32. 

guep. for guep, 1. 23. part? /or parts 1. 38. 
budget, for budget, 
me for me. 

disdain for disdain. 

Conquerer? for Conquerer 

And /or And' 

but if they (as in 1st Edn.) for but they 
foes, for foes, 
lurch. /or lurch ? 1. 35. thee /or the 

she /or he 

Whether /or Whither 

yerst for perst 
finger for finger, 
ancients for ancient 

thou for thon 1. 12. call) for call. 1. 32. 

Bearward, for Bearward. 

Handkerchief for Handerchief 

o'erthrown. for o'erthrown, 

agen. for agen, 
Aristotle /or Aristotle, 

Vickars. for Vickars 1. 19. Authority for 

Authothority 

333 



ERRATA 



p. lOI, 1 


. I. 


p. io6, 1 


3S- 


p. 107, 1 


. ly. 


p. 108, 1 


. 31. 


p. 110, 1 


. 27. 


p. Ill, 1 


■ 17- 


P- "3. 1 


. 22. 


p. 114, 1 


• 5- 


P- ii5> ' 


. 18. 


p. 117, 1 


• 37- 


p. 122, 


. 32. 


P- 123, 1 


. 16. 


p. 124, I 


. 6. 


P- I25> 1 


. 10. 


p. 128, 


. la. 


P- i3i> 


. 16. 


P- 135- 


. 23- 


p. 136, 


1. 2. 


P- 137. 


1. 2. 


p. 141, 


1. 33. 


P- 143. 


1. 30. 


p. 144, 


1. 2g. 


P- MS. 


I. 17. 


p. 146, 


. 49. 


P- 147. 


. ao. 


p. 149, 


1. 38. 


p. ISO, 


1. 36. 


P- ^SS, 


1. 18. 


P- 157, 


1. 28. 


P- 1S8, 


1. an. 


p. iS9> 


1. 36. 


p. 162, 


1. 40. 


p. 163. 


1. 2. 


p. 164, 


1. 6. 


p. i6S> 


1. a4. 


p. 166, 


1. 2Z. 



dispence t /or dispence, 
flesh for flesh 1. 39. 

1. 2y. wear ybr were 
warrant for wrrrant 



Dame /or Dame. 1. 12. Commons ^or Commous 

Her /or He 

Of /or Af 

Delinquent for Deliquent 

maim, for maim. 

Fists, /or Fists. 1. 49. 

breath, for breath, 
fault, for fault, 1. 17. 

to for too 

Lovers for Lover's 

own. for own. 

Proprietors for Propeietors 

Virility's for Virilities 
lose, for lose. 

else /or else. 1. 13. 

Light, /or Light. 1. 18. Sphere, /or Sphere. 

be a Sin for be a be Sin 

vary, for vary 

Hudibras /or Hudibrrs 
Conscience for Conseience 

r th' publick for V tV the publick 

if /or of 1. 40. thought /or though 

descry, for descry. 1. 36. heads for heads. 

1. 37. Suedes, for Suedes 

spurs, for spurs. 

Petticoat for Peteicoat 

Nor /or not 

At that an for At that at an 

'Twas /or Twas 

chews'd; for chews'd 1. 31. 

hand, for hand, 

would (as in iji Edn.) for would not 

Cickle, for Cickle 

Paradise, for Paradise, 
lays for lay 1. 33. right, for right. 

Or for Of 1. 32. Hudibras. for Hudibras, 

him suitable (as in 1st Edn.) for him a suitable 

Quoth /or Quoth, 1. 23. And for three (as in 

1st Edn.) for And three 1. 32. Your Eyes 

out for You Eyes ont 



Saints /or Saints, 



334 



p. 


169, 1. 


»3- 


p- 


170, 1. 


7- 


p- 


171. 1- 


i6. 


p- 


172, 1. 


40. 


p- 


173, 1- 


15- 


p- 


174. 1- 


20. 


p- 


17s. 1- 


24. 



ERRATA 

but a mean (as in 1st Edn.) for but mean 
day, for day. 
way for away 
know, for know, 
therefore ybr threfore 

hold _/br old (correSed in some 1678 copies') 
Twill for Twill 

p. 176, 1. a. Husbands, _/br Husbands 1. 21. but the twinkling 

(as in iJt Edn.) for but twinkling 1. 24. 

Officer for Officer 

't t' your yor 't 't to your 1. 33. Pocket, /or Pocket 

such ybr which (altered in some 1678 copies) 

Hudibras ybr Hudibaas 1. 29. said in haste, in haste 
he (as in ist Edn.) for said, in haste he 

wonted ./or wanted 

Scull, for Scull, 
croud, for croud. 

wise, for wise. 

American for Amercian 
oi for (of 

appear for appaar 1. 29. Sedgwyck for Sedwyck 
1. 30. Magician for Magician. 

p. 192, 1. 23. Mario for Maria 1. 26. Peloponneso for 

Peloponesso 

p. 193, 1. II. Demonstrationibus docuerunt for Demonstationibus 
docueruut 1. 12. propiorem _/br propriorem 

1. 15. magnum for magnnm 



p- 


177, 1. 29. 


p- 


178, 1. 18. 


p- 


179, 1. 9. 


p- 


180, 1. 29. 


p- 


183, 1. 10. 


p- 


184, 1. 4. 


p. 


i8s 1. iS- 


p- 


188, 1. 23. 


p- 


190, 1. 4. 


p- 


191, 1. 9. 



p. 207, 1. 


, 17. 


searching for seachin 


p. 212, 1. 


II. 


For /or Por 


p. 251, 1. 


12. 


ne'er for near 


p. 286, 1. 


J- 


and for aad 


p. 292, 1. 


8. 


i'th' for i'th, 


p. 294, 1. 


23- 


woo ; for woo. 


p- 29s, 1- 


39- 


Piques ^r Pipues 


p. 298, 1. 


18. 


Vo&ius for Dockius 


p. 300, L 


28. 


Mentor Men. 


p. 301, 1- 


16. 


business /or business, 


p. 302, 1- 


30. 


Bait /or Bait, 



1. 31. For for Eor 

335 



ERRATA 

p. 303, 1. 3. o'th' for ot'h 1. 30. And for Aud 

p. 305, 1. 17. Ears ybr Ears, 

p. 306, 1. 14. above for above, 1. 19. as Time for and Time 

p. 307, 1. 18. ^or for Not 

p. 316, 1. 16. takes for take 

p. 317, 1. iz. and /or aud 1. 36. But /or Bnt 

p. 319, 1. 8. once, for once. 

p. 320, 1. 13. Wife), for Wife) 1. 14. Life, for Life. 



CAMBRIDGE: PRINTED BY JOHN CLAY, M,A. AT THE UNIVERSITY PRESS.